


From Another Perspective

by StreetSolo



Series: Signs and Smoke Signals [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Basically all the tags from the first 3, Canon-Typical Violence, Comedy, Drama, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Sensitivity, Force-Sensitive Reader, Happy Ending, Humor, Interpreting, Kissing, Kylo Ren Redemption, Languages and Linguistics, Linguistics, Manipulation, Mind Games, Moral Ambiguity, POV Second Person, Play Fighting, Plot, Politics, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Reader-Insert, Resistance, Romance, Sign Language, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Sparring, The First Order, The Force, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-08-31 15:18:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 151,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8583364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StreetSolo/pseuds/StreetSolo
Summary: You wanted it, and you got it. Kylo and Reader's journey may have ended on a happy note, but there is still much more of the story left for us to discover. Revisit key moments of A Flare in the Dark, A Candle in the Night, and A Glow in the Dawn from the perspective of Kylo Ren and other key characters as we get to learn about our Reader and a galaxy far, far away in a whole new way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> “I choose fantasy to vent, to process complex political, sexual and social politics at the safe distance of fiction."  
> -Natalie Dormer
> 
> Greetings!! For anyone just joining me, my name is Krasava (nickname Krae, a.k.a. streetsolo) and this is part 4 of the Signs and Smoke Signals trilogy that somehow managed to be over a million words long!! Still, I know there were a lot of people that didn't want it to end, myself included, so I've gone back and rewritten key moments of the trilogy from the perspective of Kylo Ren and other key characters, so we can get a look at what life was like for our favorite characters outside of Reader's limited perspective. If you've got any questions or have any requests for a scene you would like to see re-written, I've left my contact information below, so feel free to contact me anytime!! Otherwise, let's get this thing started!! 
> 
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Flare in the Dark  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel to 13, when he visits Reader when she’s drunk  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader

               He shouldn’t be doing this. He knew that he shouldn’t be doing this, and yet each and every step brought him closer and closer to your door. People would start to notice that he had been entering this area of the ship more and more often, they would notice and they would talk, and that talk would lead to rumors that would eventually reach Hux’s ears, which by default meant that they would eventually capture the attention of the Supreme Leader, who he had not been totally upfront with about his involvement with you. He suspected that, on some level, the Supreme Leader knew that too, but that was not something he had to concern himself with now. As long as he could insist that going to see you was an order, it made him feel a lot better about the whole thing.

               He felt a whole lot less guilty, for one. In spite of how he had betrayed his uncle, he considered himself to be a remarkably unselfish person. He knew what he wanted and he knew what he had to do in order to get it, but there wasn’t a great deal that he actually wanted for himself. He had goals and ideals, the same as anyone, but they had more or less merged with what was best for the First Order, and what was best for the Supreme Leader himself. He had slowly allowed himself to slip away, to dissolve himself into his position as one of the Knights of Ren, and he regarded himself more as a member of that group and less of an individual in his own right.

               The mask helped with that some, but he was starting to feel, and, well, that was sort of the problem. He was starting to _feel_. He could not ever before recall a time that he had experienced such lust, such hunger, beyond his thirst for power. There was something new that he coveted now, something tangible, and what was more, he could have it. He could take it. He could take _you_ , and what was worse was that, on some level, he almost suspected that you wanted him to.

               And that was something that still didn’t make any sense to him. He had choked you, he had hurt you, fuck, he could have easily killed you, and yet you seemed to brush that aside as if it was inconsequential. A part of him assumed that you had been hurt worse in your past, that your story of your childhood had been authentic and not rehearsed, and he felt a momentary bubble of anger thinking about the ways in which you must have been mistreated and abused in the past. He knew the unscrupulous characters that Han Solo often associated with, vile smugglers who deserved no one’s respect, and for a moment he paused to consider the bubble of anger that had flared up so suddenly in his chest. Was it because of the mere thought of Han Solo and the son he had abandoned, or was it because he was angry at the mistreatment he perceived in your younger self?

               He couldn’t be sure, and this troubled him.

               He was not good at living to help other people. Luke had so often tried to teach him to be sympathetic and to empathize with others. He said it was the Jedi way to help others in their moment of need, and yet the Jedi had all been eliminated in such a short span of time, and who had come to their aid then? How many of the people that they saved actually spoke out to try to protect them? Hardly any, as they knew better. They could see the Jedi for who they really were, just as Anakin Skywalker had done when he had left behind the Jedi Council in order to become Darth Vader and take his rightful seat at the Emperor’s side. It couldn’t have been easy for Anakin Skywalker to have left everything he had once knew behind to chart a new course; it would have been far easier for him to stay submissive to a Council that would never truly recognize his talents or appreciate his efforts, and so Anakin Skywalker had done the brave thing and had rebelled against them, charting his own course in the galaxy, with the intent of ruling it in order to bring an end to the chaos of a fragmented Senate and justice to the galaxy. He dared to believe that there could be an end to the petty squabbling and the Clone Wars, and as he had vowed to make it so, he had succeeded, casting away his former self to do what he knew to be right.

               And so Ben Solo had attempted to do the same, leaving Luke and his inane teachings behind him, in order to chart a new course. At least Snoke was able to sense that he had been unhappy. He had become frustrated with Luke’s teachings, constantly feeling as though he was on the edge of something greater, on the edge of some new, greater burst of power, and yet Luke had always encouraged him to remain contented with what he had, chiding him against having _too_ much power, all the while touting that it could have negative effects without ever explaining what that meant. It was only Snoke who explained to him that there were no drawbacks to ultimate power if you were strong enough to control it, and confirmed what Ren had been beginning to suspect, that Luke was weak, and he was afraid of Ren growing stronger than himself.

               But that was beside the point. In the end, Ren had proven that he was able to overcome the familiar and head out into uncharted territory, just as his grandfather had done, burning all the bridges behind him in order to ensure that he could never succumb to weakness and fall back into that old way of life that would surely serve to only stagnate his growth and his potential. The Supreme Leader saw great things in him, treated him with the attention he so rightfully deserved, and Ren allowed himself to become contented with himself once again as he approached your door, rapping on the door with the backs of his knuckles. He deserved anything he pleased, and if he coveted you, then he could have you. He could take you, and he would allow no one to question him or make him feel inferior for wanting what he wanted.

               But as you opened the door, a bit breathless, hair pulled back, the corner of your lips pulled back in a gentle smirk, Ren couldn’t help but let his earlier confidence slide away from him, crawling just slightly out of reach from his gloved fingertips. There was something about you, not in the way that you stood or the way that you spoke, but something intangible that seemed to radiate outwards like a soft glow, glimmering like the pristine white snow outside the base whenever the sun hit it at just the right angle in the early hours of the morning.

               “Hi,” you chirp happily, and suddenly Ren notices that you seem just a bit, well, _off_. You seem a bit looser than usual, just a little too happy. He had always been able to sense at least some level of cautious trepidation when you opened the door, but now you seemed almost downright giddy, as if you had been anticipating his arrival.

               Ren wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that.

               As Ren stepped over the threshold and shut the door behind him, he couldn’t help but look you over as he tried to ascertain just what felt off to him. You laugh, suddenly, and Ren couldn’t help but admit that he had been unfortunately startled by the motion. “I’m sorry,” you say, “but you need to take off that helmet.”

               Ren complies with your request, slowly, watching as you slowly move the side of your thumb back and forth against your lower lip while you watch him slip off his helmet, as if this was an action that you secretly liked watching. “I’m never going to get used to that,” you say, and Ren just simply lets the words drop lifelessly to his feet as he sweeps his hair back out of his face with one hand. “Not what I meant, just that you’re attractive, under there, I didn’t expect that.”

               For a moment, Ren isn’t quite sure how to respond to this. He was a great many things, but attractive was far from among them, what with his angular jaw, long nose and long ears that he had been teased about as a child, from his so-called friends growing up as a child on Hosnian Prime, and even Han Solo, who had teased him on occasion. His long hair at least served to hide it now, and there were only a handful of people left alive who could recognize his countenance beneath his helmet.

In other words, no one had to know what he truly looked like anymore, and that pleased him.

               But he detected no amount of dishonesty from you, in fact, you seemed downright open today, your guard lying in a puddle at your feet, and he considered for a moment that he could probably get you to say absolutely anything in this state, to get you to admit to whatever it was that he wanted.

               It would be a lie to say that this didn’t concern him at least a little.

               “Are you okay?” Ren asks slowly as he looks you over again, his eyes travelling the length of your body.

               “Fine,” you reply simply, and Ren notes that your voice seems to steady somewhat as you take a deep breath. “So, you uh, got my message? Right? That I was trapped?” Ren dips his head forward slightly, and as a grin spreads across your face, Ren isn’t sure what to do with the feeling that suddenly stirs in his chest to see you looking at him like that. “I knew it. I knew you’d come through for me.”

               The amount of confidence you had in a man that had so recently tried to kill you was unnerving, to say the least. “And how were you so sure of that?” he asks. His voice is guarded, trying to remind you that he was not someone to be trifled with, but you seemed completely unaffected as you answered.

               “Because you like me.” The words are simple, and you pushed them out into the narrow space between you as if you were simply stating a fact. Ren can’t help but flinch, can’t help reject not the words themselves, but the intimation of those words. He knew what they implied, and he knew how dangerous they were for you both. “It’s not a crime, you know. People like me. I’m a likeable person.”

               Also, apparently, quite foolish, although he could hardly blame you. He knew that you probably knew nothing about Supreme Leader Snoke, or how dangerous his visits to see you truly were. He knew that you were up to _something,_ that there was something that you were not telling him, and yet you sometimes seemed to downright ignorant to your own Force powers, to everything going on around you, that he couldn’t help but wonder what kind of game you were trying to play with him. It almost made him believe that you were truly innocent, and he hated the sudden feeling of protectiveness that seemed to overcome him.

               “I don’t like you,” Ren says firmly, although in honest truth, this was something that he was saying to himself more than to you. The Force knew that this wouldn’t be the first time he had spoken your name aloud, not the first time he insisted that you were just an objective, an assignment, and absolutely nothing more. He could see something pass over your features, some haunted look of rejection, but he can’t risk alienating you when he needed to find out the truth. He couldn’t risk pushing you away, even if it was in the best interests of you both. “But I don’t _dislike_ you.”

               “Well, that’s something,” you relent, as if you seemed to realize that was as much as you were going to be able to get out of him. “So why are you here? Are you going to try to read my mind again?” Ren hesitates, unsure of how to answer you. To tell the truth, he wasn’t sure exactly why he had come to see you again. He had just wanted to, his feet had simply led him in your direction, and while he had tried to rationalize each step and assign it some greater purpose, he didn’t know how to say that he had simply wanted to see you without making it sound that, well, obvious. Fortunately for him, you keep talking without giving him a chance to say much of anything. “Because it’d probably be easy to do right now. I did knock a little bit of the wall in my head down to call out for you, and I’m glad we have that connection now otherwise I might still be stuck in that room, okay, well, I probably would’ve starved to death by now, but at any rate-”

               You were starting to ramble, your words slurred, and Ren resisted the urge to sink his face into both hands in exasperation. “Are you drunk?” he demands, watching with some idle bit of frustration as you spread your hands out in front of you like a child pleading innocence.

               “It’s real wine from Alderaan,” you offer. “Like, can you blame me?”

               Ren had absolutely no idea where in the galaxy you could have gotten that from, but at any rate, that wasn’t one of his concerns. Right now, you were drunk, and while Ren knew that he could talk you into almost anything, there was no guarantee that you wouldn’t regret it in the morning and hold it against him the next evening. For some stupid reason, he cared what you thought of him, and while he hated that he cared, he remained resolute in his decision not to hurt you.

               Not again.

 _Never_ again.

               Instead, he had to do what was best for the both of you, since you were apparently not in a state to think clearly for yourself. “I should go.” He didn’t truly want to go, which he regarded as yet another reason why he probably should.

               “No.” Just as Ren had turned to leave, he heard the words behind him, firm and clear, as if you were giving him an order. It looks like you make a move to grab him, but as his eyes narrow, you seem to think better of it.

               “Are you attempting to give me orders?” Ren asks, making the warning ring clear in each syllable.

               “No,” you reply, but you don’t appear to back down, either. No one on the First Order base would speak to him in such a way, no one would dare, and yet you seemed to be remarkably bold for someone who seemed so powerless against him. If you had any secret powers that you were holding against him, he thought that you would have had revealed them in order to save your own life, but no, he had come close to taking it and yet you had only gotten decidedly weaker. Something else was at play, something keeping him from reading your thoughts, and while he was determined to find out just what that was, a part of him was just content to use this as an excuse to keep seeing you, not that he would ever admit to that.

               “I’m attempting to stop you from making a mistake,” you continue, and Ren can’t help but feel at least a brief wave of surprise wash over him.

               “And what mistake would that be?” Ren asks as he raises his eyebrows, attempting to humor your obvious drunken rationalizations.

               “I don’t know when’s the last time you’ve been touched,” you venture. “But I liked it when you touched me. And I think you liked it when I touched you back. And someone made me realize lately that being touched is, well, good, so I think we should keep touching each other.” You visibly wince as if the whole thing was embarrassing to say, but Ren was regarding you with nothing short of curiosity now. He had never touched anyone like that before, had never watched them come undone underneath his hands, never seen them silently beg for more with each roll of their hips, and he had never allowed anyone to come close enough to touch him that way, not ever. He had tried to convince himself that he was above that, that he didn’t need human contact in order to be complete, that lust was just an idle distraction that prevented him from obtaining his real goals, and yet for some reason, he craved your touch more than anything, and he honestly couldn’t explain why.

               You open your eyes again and seem to come to some sort of decision about something. “You know what, just go back to choking me again. Torture me, whatever, at least that will get me to shut my mouth.”

               _You really don’t know anything, do you?_ Ren's eyes dipped down to your neck, raw and exposed, and he thought about how he could close his fingers around your throat and watch you struggle for life again. A part of him wanted to, wanted to completely overshadow how he wished to have his lips there again, desperate to hear your soft moans as he brushed the delicate skin there with his tongue. He could picture himself doing it now, and he couldn’t help but feel his erection hardening against his thigh. “There are other ways to do that,” he ventures softly, but you seem ignorantly unaware of his innuendo.

               “Oh, well, yeah,” you agree. “I mean, you could always-”

               But this was too much talking for Ren, and he couldn’t hold back any longer. Words would only stall for time, and that was something that existed in short supply, especially on this base. Instead, he reached forward and closed his lips around yours, and he’s pleased to see that you wait no longer that a second before you reach up to kiss him back, running your hands through his thick, wavy hair. You moan against his lips as Ren guides you around to the end of your bed, and you quickly straddle him, wrapping your legs around his waist. Ren wastes no time in tearing off his gloves so he could feel your warm skin underneath his fingertips, sliding them down the bare skin of your back as he tries to absorb every inch of you.

               _This_ is what he had wanted. _This_ is what he risked so much for, just to feel your lips against his and the warmth of your body against his rough palms. He could feel you wanting him, could feel you desperate for him, and this honestly gave him a greater rush of power than anything Snoke could have promised. He had hardly done anything to earn your affections, in fact, he had done the opposite, enough to seemingly banish them for good, and yet you seemed to be just as stuck on him as he was to you. He couldn’t sense much from you, but he could at least tell that you didn’t know why either, didn’t know where your feelings were coming from, only that they were genuine and that you weren’t as intent on fighting them as he was.

               Ren breaks the kiss to finally, finally reach down to brush his lips against your neck, finding much more pleasure in the action that he probably should have. “Are you still trying to distract me to get into my head?” you murmur, and Ren's expression can’t help but sour. Here he was, trying to please himself, trying to please _you_ , and yet you had reminded him that he had a greater role to play, that there was a greater mission here and that there were things at stake. He had responsibilities, and while he had always wanted to have them, suddenly now he simply wanted to want what he wanted without having to consider the consequences of doing just that.

               “Stop talking.” There’s a command in Ren’s voice, and you fall blissfully silent as Ren’s hands explore your body. He makes the decision not to dip his fingers into your pants again, and as much as he was desperate to suck your sticky juices from his fingers again, you were still drunk, and he didn’t want to do anything that you might regret later, something that might ban him from getting to touch you at all. But you had indicated just a few moments ago that you liked being touched, and he liked touching you, and so he was more than content to simply run his hands along your sides, placing gentle kisses along your neck, your shoulder, your collarbone, anywhere he felt like, while you simply moaned and rolled your hips against his in response.

               He reaches up a hand to pull your hair out of your ponytail, gently detangling it between his long fingers as he holds you by the nape of your neck, directing your mouth over his, delicately sliding his tongue between your parted lips. You simply moaned in response as you moved your hips languidly against his, as if you truly wanted this simple bit of contact as much as he did. You both liked this. You both needed this, and for a moment Ren couldn’t help but be reminded that there was something more here. You weren’t just anyone. You were _something,_ although he couldn’t quite say what that was. He reasoned that there was only one person in the galaxy who could have the power to distract him from his goals, but he couldn’t figure out how you were doing it, or why. It wasn’t just that he couldn’t read your thoughts as easily as he could anyone else’s, it was that he sensed something about you, felt some sense of familiarity when he was with you, as if he recognized a part of himself, and that was something he still couldn’t understand.

               “I don’t get it,” you venture quietly as you rest your head against his shoulder. “Why aren’t you trying to get inside my head? It would probably be so easy right now.”

               _Shut up. Just shut up._ “Don’t tempt me,” he warns. For some reason, he doesn’t want to make you suspicious, and quickly attempts to justify this decision to you, to himself. “But I’m not going to take advantage of you. I want you to open your mind to me because you can; I’m not going to force you again.”

 _I’m not going to hurt you again. I still have barely been able to forgive myself for it the last time I did, and I will never hurt you again._ He again felt a bubble of protectiveness towards you rise up in his chest that he quickly tried to push down and away from himself.

               “Because you like me,” you venture, and for a moment he stiffens, cautiously pondering if you would seriously insist upon hearing him say it. But he couldn’t admit that to you, not when he wasn’t sure if he felt that way himself. He felt _something,_ but the pull he felt towards you was too strong to put into words. It was something that went beyond simple liking, and yet he couldn’t describe just what it was that seemed to draw him to you.

               “I don’t like you,” he insists, needing to hear those words said aloud. Maybe if he said them enough, at least part of him could convince himself that it was true.

               “Okay,” you relent. “You don’t like me.” You seem disappointed by this, and Ren can’t help the momentary rush of panic in his blood at the thought of seeing you pull away from him. He didn’t know how to quantify it, he didn’t know how to describe it, but he wanted you close. He wanted you to stay, in whatever way that meant.

               “You’re a weakness,” he finally admits, hoping that this choice of words would finally be the right one to explaining how he really felt.

               “No I’m not,” you say softly, and Ren can’t help but look up into your eyes and something finally seems to click into place for you, drawing his attention. “You’re the great Kylo Ren. You don’t have any weaknesses. I’m just a pawn at your disposal. You’re just using me as you see fit.” You refocus your gaze, keeping Ren completely enraptured by your words, although he still looks wary all the same. “You’re still using me for your own ends, trying to wind me down, trying to get me to let down my defenses so you can get inside my head. That is your primary objective and everything else is just-” You place a hand on his chest as your lips move closer to his, whispering the last word. “-incidental.”

               _Thank you._ Ren grabs the back of your head with both of his large hands as he kisses you roughly, nipping at your lower lip with his teeth before he wraps both arms around your back and pulls you close to him. This was it. This was what he needed to hear in order to convince himself to keep coming back here, night after night, without feeling guilty, and somehow you had realized that, you had pieced that together for yourself. You knew that he felt something tangible, and yet you didn’t force him to try to proclaim it aloud. You could sense his struggle, somehow, and you knew the exact right words to say in order to console him and alleviate his fears. A part of this concerned him, but another part of it thrilled him. He had never met anyone who truly understood him besides Snoke, and that was solely because it was so easy from him to break into his thoughts. And yet, he felt no such intrusion coming from you. You seemed to understand him, implicitly, and he only wished that he could do the same.

               Ren allows himself to kiss you with all the fervor he can muster until you’re breathless, and he wraps both arms around you tightly as you sink into his shoulder, resting your head against him. Ren could feel a steady current building between you, and while he wasn’t sure if it was the Force, he couldn’t be sure it was anything else. You weren’t strong in the Force, you couldn’t be, and yet there was something innate about the way you seemed to understand him, as if you were channeling the Force without consciously recognizing that you were doing so. Was such a thing even possible? How were you able to read him so well without entering his thoughts?

               He can feel you now, so close to him, and it’s not just your physical closeness, your hot breath against his neck, that has prompted this new feeling. He can feel a charge building in the air now, something that made every fine hair on his arms stand on end, and he knew that he would only have one chance at this. You were still buzzed, only now you were drowsy as well, and he felt close enough to you that he should be able to peek into your thoughts without you being too aware of such an intrusion. You had been able to reach out to him with your mind before, and if you had thrown the rope in order to anchor your mind to his, then he should be able to trace it back to you.

               As you murmur sleepily and cuddle closer against his chest, Ren hesitates for a moment, wondering if he really should pry into your thoughts at all. But he has to, he knows he has to, not just to see whatever information he might need, but because this may be his one chance to understand you as well as you seemed to understand him. Quickly, he puts two fingers against your temple and pushes gently, first waiting for a reaction. You grunt slightly, eyebrows knotted together as you brace yourself, but overall you don’t seem to be in any more pain than you can handle.

               Ren pushes a little harder, striking something he can only think to describe as a wall, as if there was something physically in place keeping him from venturing any further into your thoughts. But that shouldn’t be possible. You were as vulnerable now as you ever were, and what was more, you seemed to trust him. If he could only…

               “You can trust me,” he says gently, not realizing he was speaking the words aloud until they already left his lips. “I won’t hurt you. Just let me look. I won’t hurt you, not again.”

               “I trust you,” is the sleepy reply Ren gets back, and that’s all the confirmation he needs. Feeling closer to you than ever, he pushes again, gently at first, and then a little more firmly, until things start to come to him in flashes. They’re brief, lasting no more than a tenth of a second at most, but he can start to put things together. A flash of pride as one of her instructors, B, praised her in front of the class. Walking through a green field on a dirt pathway with a girl about her own age, that other girl, Sadie, as they laughed and walked through the warm sunshine of their home planet. He pushed further back, sensing something darker, deeper, and while you squirmed uncomfortably underneath his hands, he pushed onwards before he was confronted with a bitter sense of loneliness that seemed to permeate you to your core.

               You were sitting in a dark grey room, and it appeared that you were in some sort of cargo ship by the thick gray walls imprinted with some sort of charcoal Aurebesh letters written in a vertical strike down one side. The room was small, not tall enough for anyone to stand up in comfortably, let alone someone of his height, and yet there was a small cot propped up against the side of the room. It was a dark green color, and scratchy, like it had been roughly constructed out of an old burlap sack that you had found. There was a knock on the door beside the cot, and before you could even get up to open it, he could hear a gruff man’s voice. “Get up. Captain wants you. Pretty sure those pirates from the Western Reaches are set to double cross us again. You better not fuck this up for us; you don’t want to end up like the last one who disobeyed us by doing what she thought was right.”

               You groan slightly and pull away, but just before you do, he catches a glimpse of something else. This memory is much harder to make out, flashes of bright sun, and of dark sand, and of a man, older, grey hair, a bottle in his hand, ripped clothes stretched across his wide body. He seems more or less indifferent as your tiny arms lunge towards him as if hoping he’ll reach out to grab you time, before strong arms pick you up and hoist you up over their shoulder, as if you weighed no more than a feather. He can hear your screams and cries of terror, your small voice filled with uncertainty, and all at once, Ren knew you hadn’t been lying about your past.

               You were clearly in no state to be fabricating anything, and he knew without a doubt now that everything you told him that day had been true. You were sold off at a young age to buy your father more drink. You had served as an interpreter, and somehow you found your way to the academia that you had been sent from, and made friends with Sadie, who you regarded as your sister, while you took classes with her and served as one of B’s pupils. You were telling the truth. There was nothing you were hiding from him. You weren’t a secret spy from the Resistance or someone who was plotting against the First Order. You were simply here on an assignment from the academia, and that was all.

               And what was more, Ren could get the sense that you truly hadn’t known anything much about him before you had stepped foot on this base. You had heard stories, but who he was, what he was, was completely foreign to you. You knew nothing about the Force, and while Ren was somewhat relieved that you weren’t a threat, that still begged the question of how you were keeping him out of your thoughts. You were naturally strong in the Force, but you had no idea how to control it. Did that mean that someone else was helping you channel your Force abilities without your conscious recognition? Ren couldn’t be sure, but he knew without a doubt that whatever was going on, you were somehow involved, and it was beginning to look more and more like you were the unfortunate victim of circumstances. If that was the case, the best thing he could do was to either stay far away from you for your own safety, or keep coming by to check on you, to keep making sure that you were okay.

               You gently stir against his shoulder as you snuggle into him, and Ren brushes your hair back out of your face, laughing quietly to himself at the way you lean up and into his hand, as if you were silently savoring the small point of contact and silently encouraging him to do it again. He bends down to kiss you again, adjusting his position, as he adjusts you in his lap. “I should get going,” he murmurs against your lips, and you blink yourself sleepily awake, gently sliding off of his lap as if in no mood to argue. If you had noticed that he had recently been able to ascertain a few select images from your mind, you showed no sign of it.

               “Come back tomorrow,” you tell him as you watch him slide his thick leather gloves back over his hands.

               “Maybe.” The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them, although now that they were there, they seemed to be as good as any. He needed more time to think about what he had just seen, and overall, more time to figure out what exactly this had meant. If you were no one of any real value, then who was keeping him out of your mind? And why bother, especially if you had nothing to hide from him? And if you really were keeping him out on your own, how were you managing it without being aware of it?

               And, a bit more secretly, why was he so drawn to you? Why were you the last thing he thought about when he went to sleep at night? Why did he wake up almost wishing that you were there beside him? Why did he idly wish he was going to pass you in the halls when he crossed the Starkiller Base, and why did his thoughts drift over to wondering what you were doing when he received a spare moment to think for himself? It seemed to be unintentionally done, but how could it be? There was something wrong, some detail that was missing, and he wouldn’t stop until he knew what it was.

               Regardless, he’s shaken from his thoughts as you reach down and grab his hand. “Tomorrow,” you say, looking up at him. “You can try to get into my mind then.”

               _So she really has no idea._

True, he hadn’t been able to gain much from you, but he would have thought that you would have felt _something_. Apparently you weren’t strong enough in the Force to realize that your thoughts had been searched, at least slightly, and yet you seemed strong enough to be able to somehow understand his? Something wasn’t right here, but he was secretly hoping the more time he spent with you, the more answers would reveal themselves. If not, well, it wasn’t as though visiting you each night was a completely intolerable affair.

               “Maybe,” he repeats, although he can’t help but let a small bit of warmth creep into his voice as he bends down and kisses you on your forehead. He can feel your eyes watching him leave before he slips on his helmet and heads out the door, leaving you to shut the door behind him as he headed back to his own quarters for maybe an hour or two of sleep at best before he had to attend to Hux’s orders.

               From somewhere behind him, Ren thinks he can feel a shiver of melancholy, and for a moment he can feel you reaching out to him again. In the back of his mind, he can picture you asleep in your bed, rolled over onto your side, one arm curled around your pillow, your other arm reaching over the covers as though they were reaching out for him. As his footsteps carried him to his door, Ren allowed himself to imagine that he was there with you, that you were curled into his chest, one arm draped lazily over his narrow hips. He can feel your hot breath against his chest, inhale the smell of your breath as his lips lazily brushed against your forehead, and-

               Suddenly it was there, right there. For a moment he wasn’t sure where he was, all he knew was that he was with you, in his bed, in his room. He could feel you in his arms as if you were physically there in that moment, curled up beside him. As you looked up at him, he can see your eyes shining with nothing sort of adoration, of trust, but something pulled him back. There was something heavy in his chest, some sort of guilt that pulled him back from embracing this moment completely, and as he searched himself to try to discover _why_ , suddenly the vision broke and he opened his eyes to find himself standing alone in the middle of his living room, eyes directed out towards the snowy landscape that rested outside the base.

               It didn’t take him more than a few seconds to cross the threshold into his bedroom, and for a moment he honestly expected to see you there, waiting for him, curled up on your side with your arm stretched across his side of the bed, as if waiting for him to return. He could still smell you, could still feel you in his arms, and he wasn’t sure if it had been from your earlier interaction or if this had been something else. He had wanted a tangible sign, wanted solid answers, and yet the ones the Force seemed to be providing were more confusing than anything. Was that a sign of what was to come, or merely of something that he _wanted_? He wanted you to look at him like that, like there was nothing in the galaxy that you wanted but him, but where were those thoughts coming from? He had a future with the First Order, with the Supreme Leader, and you could not be a part of that future, no matter how much he wanted you to be.

               But those were thoughts for another time. As for right now, he wanted you, and being near you was the only way he could think of to get answers, not that he was really trying all that hard to explore any other avenues or methods of approach. The Force, he hoped, would reveal more answers in time, if he was patient, and while that was not something he was necessarily comfortable with being, he could at least try. In the meantime, a lack of answers gave him the excuse to spend more time with you, and that was something he wasn’t exactly adverse to, even if his rational side tried to chide him against such childish thinking.

               Still, as he drifted off to sleep that night, he couldn’t help but roll over onto his side and let his arm drape out into open space on the other side of the bed. He usually slept in the middle of his bed, sprawled over onto his stomach, but tonight he slept on his side, arm outstretched as if it was draped over you, eyes shut tight as he tried to replay the fantasy in his mind of you snuggling into his chest. He could feel the happiness radiating from you, and he tried to picture that now, tried to find solace in that daydream for no discernable reason.

               Maybe it was just his fantasy, maybe it was just something he wanted, but a small part of him hoped that it was something that you wanted as well. A small part of him hoped that maybe this fantasy might become a reality, and in his sleepy state, he allowed himself to put all of his fears and burdens and responsibilities out of his mind as he just focused on you and you alone. For some reason, this action wasn’t as hard as he had expected it to be. In some way, it almost felt right.

               _Who was this girl?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends the first chapter!! I wanted to begin really showing off the trepidation and the doubt that's going through Kylo's mind as he tries to figure out who the Reader is and what her real purpose is on the Starkiller Base, although I think it definitely helps knowing the ending and how it's all going to play out. 
> 
> So now I've got some bad news for you guys, unfortunately. Even though I've been updating almost everyday this week, I am revising my posting schedule and I'm going to post a chapter for this story every Friday. I know it's only once a week but with Rogue One and the holidays coming up, my BB-8 droid has yet to be finished, my Poe Dameron story has yet to be completed, and I got promoted at work so I have a ton on my plate right now! But you will get consistent updates once a week for a long time yet, I can assure you of that!! ^_^ 
> 
> Next chapter is also going to be from Kylo's perspective, and it's going to be another key scene from Flare...can you guess which one? ;) Until then, cheers!! <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Flare in the Dark  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel to 32, where he sends her away  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader, LN-2829/Ladson

               It was just as he feared.

               No, no, it was worse than he feared. Kylo Ren knew that Snoke had been interested in you for quite some time, and while he had always been wary of this, he didn’t presume to know what Snoke’s interest in you was beyond your own relation to him. He was worried that Snoke would one day use you to test him, but he had never envisioned that Snoke would suddenly demand that you be trained as his apprentice, trained in the ways of the dark side of the Force. It wasn’t that Ren didn’t think you could handle it, he knew that you could, but he couldn’t help but be concerned by this nonetheless. He had already seen the subtle signs that you were changing, seen how you seemed different after your conversations with Phasma and your talks of getting rid of Hux once and for all so that you both could rule the First Order together. While those had just seemed like childish, fantastical notions at first, Ren was more than just a little troubled by the fact that you seemed to have developed a thirst for power, and he knew firsthand that that impulse was a hard one to curb once someone truly got the taste for it.

               And you had gotten the taste for it, although he supposed that was more his fault than anyone else’s. He had allowed you to fall down this dark path when he had invited you into his chambers instead of sending you straight home where you belonged. He had that option, knew he had, and yet he had insisted to himself that the reason he kept you onboard was because he wanted to keep you safe, that he could look after you better if you were within his sights. He had no way of knowing if Hux would ever send out a small squadron to eliminate you and your friends for good for your role in aiding the Resistance, and while he reasoned Hux wouldn’t see you four as a viable military target worth pursuing, he had still decided that it was best to keep you here, where he could care for you and watch over you, making sure that no harm would come to you.

               But harm had come to you. Hux had locked you away and although he had never been able to confirm it directly, he knew that Snoke had been behind it, that Snoke had been the one to give that order. Hux, as intolerable as he was, would never have gone through something like that in his own right, and while he often went to great lengths to prove that he had great control over Ren, this was far over the line that he was used to crossing. Everything that Hux did was either a direct result of an order from no one but Supreme Leader Snoke, or it was the result of careful thought and query, and aside from angering him, there was no way that imprisoning and starving you could benefit him or the Order in any way.

               No, Ren had been blind, too caught up in himself. He was selfish, selfish that he had kept you here, and selfish to think that you had been tortured in order to test _him_. No, that was Snoke, testing your resolve, testing your strength of will, testing your loyalty to Ren himself to see if you would ever be able to trust in him after such an act of perceived betrayal. And yes, while you had been angry, you had come around again in hardly any time at all to warm up by Ren’s side again, and there could be no greater proof of your loyalty to him than to put all of his previous transgressions behind him and follow him along the dark path. And Supreme Leader Snoke wanted you to do just that.

               In retrospect, Ren should have been thrilled, should have been overjoyed, about what this meant for you. This was finally approval that he would get to keep you, and, in a way, assurance that no harm would come to you so long as you obeyed his and Snoke’s instructions. Snoke saw how fiercely devoted you were to him, and knew implicitly that you would never go against anything that he should ask, so long as that act didn’t endanger your friends or those you cared for in any way, you could be convinced to do what he thought was best, and that was something that Snoke intended to take full advantage of.

               And yet, despite this, Ren couldn’t help but feel that this was wrong in some way, and he absolutely hated that. He should be selfish, and he should be damned pleased that he was, as it would finally allow him to get everything he had ever wanted, seemingly without stipulations. But there were, he knew, and he knew that if he allowed you to be trained in the dark ways of the Force that he would lose you in the process. You would surrender to it, in time you would, and then he would inevitably lose you. Your light, the very thing that he secretly coveted about you, would be snuffed out forever, and how could he go on knowing that his selfishness had destroyed the very thing he loved about you? He would break you and then hate you for being broken, and he didn’t know how he had suddenly become so attached to you so quickly, but he had.

               Part of it was the Force bond, he knew that implicitly, allowing him to feel you as if you were part of himself, and he had come to regard you as just that. You _were_ a part of himself now, and to lose you would mean that a part of himself would inevitably be lost, and he wasn’t sure how to cope with that apparent destruction of self. It was his own selfishness that had led him astray to begin with, his own lust for power, and it would seem like karmic justice to lose you the same way he had lost himself. Either way, he could not allow that to happen. It would be selfish to let you go because he didn’t want to be responsible for what would happen to you when you fell. It would be selfish to keep you, knowing that he would be the very thing that would cause your descent down the dark path. No matter what decision he made, it would be the selfish choice and he would have to live with the pain and the burden of that decision either way.

               He could always leave the decision up to you, but he knew deep down that that choice would only be an easy escape to temporarily try to free himself from the guilt that would eventually burn him alive later. He could offer you the choice, but he knew that you would stay. You would do whatever it took to stay by his side, and while a part of him hated you for that, it was part of the reason why he felt things for you that he couldn’t even explain as a product of the Force bond. You would support him through anything, any decision, so determined and resolved to see the best in whatever he did. He did not tell you about the transgressions committed in his past, could not, too afraid that that would be the final thing that finally pushed you away from him once and for all. A part of him wanted to test you, to see how much harm he would have to do to push you away from him for good, but another part of him would dare not chance it. He had never encountered another person who adored him to the point of veneration, and he couldn’t risk losing the way your eyes lit up whenever he walked into the room, as if the sun rose and set with his very presence.

               He had become such an integral part of your life just in the way that you had become a part of his, and he supposed that it was just fate that it was always supposed to end this terribly. His life had always been marred by people going, by people leaving, by being abandoned time and time again, even by his own parents. Even Luke, who seemingly wanted to teach him that he was stronger facing the darkness _on his own_ , had left his side and ignored the signs that he was falling. Luke was blinded by the fact that he was able to face his own demons and come out stronger, but that struggle was not true for all, and he had paid for that ignorance dearly; Ren had made sure of it.

               But Snoke had promised him power to make sure that he would get to keep whatever it was that he coveted, that only through power could you make people stay, and while that had remained true, at least for a while, he knew that he didn’t need to coerce you to stay. You wanted to stay, wanted to remain by his side, and although he had choked you, compelled you to touch his lightsaber as a trial of trust, and given you plenty of reasons to leave, you had remained resolved to stay by his side through whatever trials you may endure. You wanted to do this together, if he suffered then you suffered, and in your mind, Ren knew, that you were incomplete without him, just as he was incomplete without you.

               Which brought everything around full circle. He had been selfish and allowed you to stay, and that had set off a chain of events that not even he could have predicted. If he had sent you away, you could have been safe, could have moved on with your life, but there was no chance of that happening now. No, you knew how much that he loved you, how much he coveted you, how much you meant to him, and you were resolved to do whatever you could to make that feeling last as long as you possibly could if it meant staying by his side forever.

               Which made what he had to do even harder: he was going to have to end it. He knew if he gave you the choice that you would stay and join the dark side to be with him, so he had to take that choice away from you. He had to push you away and tell you that he no longer desired to be with you. You would cry, and you would be hurt, yes, but at least then you would be safe and have no desire to seek him out. You would do your best to move on with your life, and you would do your best to forget about what happened on the Starkiller Base. He had already been training your friend, LN-2829, to pilot a shuttle in the event you ever needed to make a hasty escape from the base, and he would send you off with him. Captain Phasma wouldn’t be happy when she found out, but that was so far down the list of his concerns that it almost wasn’t worth thinking about.

               His heart trembled suddenly, and he wasn’t sure if it was through the Force bond or because of something else, and he knew at once he needed it to be because of the Force bond. You had already told him that you loved him without any hint of apology, and he knew it to be sincere, that you truly did love him with all of your being. Your knowledge of the Force was still limited, yet, and he didn’t know how much of the bond was affecting your judgement, or how much you were simply reflecting his own feelings towards you, but either way, he had to admit that he loved you now, and he didn’t want to go through with this. He didn’t want to have to push you away, even if it was for your own good. Part of him was afraid that you might be able to see right through it, that he would be forced to explain himself and why he really wanted to send you away, but he couldn’t risk that. That would only convince you to stay, and he had seemingly made the decision already that that could no longer happen. He would be punished terribly for this, he knew, but he couldn’t risk putting you in danger. Your planet was a neutral one, and he knew that as long as you stayed there, you should be safe, lest they risk getting the New Republic involved as a perceived risk to the planet’s sovereignty. While your presence here made training you convenient, he didn’t think Snoke would regard you as a target worth pursuing, and if he did, he might be able to get word to you in that time in order to get you someplace safer, should such an event ever occur. Otherwise, it was better if you just stayed out of this, a war that you never wanted to be part of in the first place.

               Struck with sudden decision, he got up from his place of reflection as he made his way down the corridor towards the conscripts’ barracks. He hardly ever went through this part of the base, but he was set with purpose and the Force guided him right to the spot he needed to go to, as he could sense your friend’s presence from among the helmets that he passed. He had not been completely overcome by the previous techniques that previously worked on others, although it was true that Hux’s methods were far more effective on children than adults. He could break him, he knew, had he so wished to, but he wouldn’t dare risk his relationship with you by even attempting such a thing. He didn’t care for Hux’s troops one way or another, and simply left the matter alone, but he knew if your friend still had a portion of his old self remaining, that he would be prepared to defend you with his own life, if necessary, and so Ren considered it his good fortune that Ladson hadn’t completely succumbed to the brainwashing after all.

               The Force was in his favor, as he found LN-2829 walking towards him from the other end of a long hallway. While the other Storm Troopers usually just walked past him with a deferent _“sir_ ” he could already see LN-2829 turn his head away, as though he knew that Ren was looking for him specifically. Ren casually holds out his hand in front of him as he approaches as a sign for LN-2829 to stop, and he does so immediately, standing straight with his shoulders squared. Without turning around, Ren could sense that they were alone in the long hallway, secretly pleased that merely his presence there seemed to have warned others to stay away, lest they too share in the misfortune of whoever it was he was trying to find.

               “It’s time.”

               LN-2829’s helmet quirks upwards and to the side as he looks up into the polished black mask. “An attack?” he asks, his voice also distorted somewhat by the heavy white helmet, and Ren quirks an eyebrow up as he considers this. He didn’t want to tell you the truth as to why he was forcing you away from the base, nor did he truly want to tell you that things were over between you for good, not that you truly would have believed that anyway. You could feel him just as much as he could feel you, and he didn’t want to risk you becoming curious about his true motives and seeking him out.

               “Tell no one,” Ren commands, his voice firm through the supplemental voice distortion. “Gather your things and prepare for departure.” LN-2829 dips his head forward and heads back the way he came, walking quickly down the hallway but not fast enough to arouse suspicion. He was probably more than just a little excited to leave, and Ren silently hoped that LN-2829 would lend you some of his enthusiasm if it made getting you off this base any easier. He had no idea how you were going to react, or how much you were going to want to bargain with him to stay.

               If there was an attack, though, if he feared for your safety, you would leave, he was quite certain about that. That was seemingly the only option and Ren quickly turned and headed back towards his own quarters, at a much faster pace than necessary, finally allowing his emotions to overwhelm him. He didn’t want to send you away. He wanted you to stay, more than anything. You completed him, and sometimes he was almost afraid that just the simple touch of your warm skin against his lips helped convince him that all of this had a point and a purpose, that he hadn’t just betrayed his family for no reason. Surely, if he had not betrayed them, he wouldn’t have met you; therefore, all of his previous transgressions were simply the will of the Force, they were simply meant to be and he simply hadn’t opposed his destiny.

               He had always thought that you had come into his life for a reason, but now he wondered if the sole reason that you had was merely so that the Force could punish him, or test him, to see if he would allow you to fall or if he would try to prevent it.  He hated this trial, hated that this had been thrust upon him, but it would do him no good to lament what had already been done. He had already made his decision, whether consciously or not, and he was not going to allow himself to lose you for good. Deep down, he always knew that had he told you about his past and what he had really done, what he continued to do, that you would never be able to look at him the same way again. He simply wasn’t being honest with you, and you deserved better than to risk your life and your light simply for his happiness.

               It was a mistake that he would soon correct.

               As he approached his doorway now, he allowed himself to believe that there truly was an attack, that it was imminent, that your life truly was in danger. It was, and while there wasn’t an attack by the Resistance, per say, there was the threat that Snoke would be able to sense what he was up to if he didn’t hurry, if he didn’t get you off the base in time. He had no idea if Snoke would try to stop such a thing from occurring or not or if this had simply been another of Ren’s tests, but either way, he didn’t want to risk it.

               As he walked into the room, he made sure to seem as out of breath as possible, raking in deep gulps of air as he pulled off his helmet. At once, he could feel your concerned energy as you instantly appeared in the entrance to the doorway and headed into the living room to see what was wrong.

               “There you are.” He closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath in an effort to look more panicked than he would otherwise feel comfortable seeming. In truth, he could feel his heart beating a little bit faster, and it suddenly occurred to him that he wasn’t actually sure just how much he was pretending.

               “Here I am,” you reply uncertainly as you search his face. “Kylo, what’s wrong? Are you all right? Did something happen?”

               Ren doesn’t answer right away as he rubs at his forehead with one gloved hand, trying to figure out just what to say. Should he just give in and tell you the truth? Should he tell you that he no longer cared for you and wanted you out of his sight for good? As he looked down at you, his eyes travelled down your face, from your large, concerned eyes, to your small nose, to your soft, parted lips, and he knew right then he would never be able to go through with it when every impulse in his body commanded that he kiss you right then and there. He wanted to take you, to make you his, to make you moan for him. He wanted to claim you for his own and never let you leave, and that drive, somehow, motivated him to do just what needed to be done.

               “I fear a rebel attack on the base is imminent.”

               The words come out of him almost of their own accord, and he decides to follow their lead almost without thinking. “I no longer believe it is safe for you to be on base. I have a pilot on standby outside to take you back to your home planet. Please stay there; you should be safe.”

               You grab his arm, and he can tell that you’re about as affected as he feels, although he’s not altogether sure how much of it you can feel through the Force bond in comparison to your own true fear of leaving him behind. From the look in your eyes, he was guessing it was more than just a little bit of both. “And what about you?” you insist, and that’s when Ren knows once and for all that you are much too good for him. You had just been told your life was in danger, and here you were, putting your concern for his safety above your own. Against his better judgement, he’s touched by this thought, and can’t help but let a shy, sad smile grace his lips, even as you fight back tears. “I know you have to stay, but, but…” Your voice catches in your throat and you can barely get the words out. “I don’t want to leave you.”

               That was the moment when Kylo Ren knew he had made the right decision. You would have stayed in a heartbeat, and he couldn’t allow you to lose yourself to the dark side of the Force like he had. If he truly did love you, then he had to hurt you, especially if it meant that it would keep you safe from this war and Snoke’s manipulations. Still, he can’t help himself as he rips off his gloves and lets them drop to the floor as he takes your face in both hands, pulling you close to kiss your forehead before he wraps his arms around you and rests his chin on the top of your head, embracing you for what would probably be the final time.

               “I won’t go,” you say firmly, although your voice is muffled against his chest, and Ren lets his eyes slip closed as he sighs. He thought that this would be the one sure way to get you to leave for good, had gone to great lengths to convince you that such an attack _was_ imminent, and yet you were still determined to stay by his side even if such a decision proved fatal for you both. “I don’t want to leave you, I can’t.”

               “You need to.” Ren takes your hand in his and guides it up to his cheek where he lets your fingertips rest against his temple, trying to channel all of his fear into you, fear that the time that he had with you now was short and that something bad would happen to you if you stayed. It was far from a fabricated feeling, and he knew that if he could believe it, then you could as well, and this might be the final push that you needed in order to convince you to leave once and for all.

               You seem to be convinced by this as you close your eyes and bite your lower lip, as if trying to steady your resolve. “When will I see you again?”

               Suddenly, it occurs to him that this could be the perfect way to ensure that you stayed on your home planet and didn’t rush off into the galaxy in a vain attempt to figure out where he was, again putting yourself at risk of getting swept up in a war you had no desire to be part of. “I will find you,” he says at length, hoping beyond hope that you can’t sense the emptiness in his words. “When this is over, I will find you. I’ll send for you.”

               A myriad of painful emotions flicker across your face, as if sensing his resolve. Ren could sense that you knew that he was going to make sure that you were off this base one way or another, and there was nothing you could do to prevent it. “Do you promise?” you ask as you gaze into his dark eyes again, as if it was the last time you ever would, and Ren can see all the pain and confusion and hurt reflected in your expression only to find it echoed within his own heart.

               He was again being given a choice, although this one was seemingly much easier than the one he was forced to make previously. He considered telling you the truth, that he was a threat to you, and that he had to stay as far away from you for your own protection. You wouldn’t understand it, you couldn’t, which only left him with the unsavory option of lying directly to your face, however much he wished against it. He knew how you felt about promises, but in this case, it wouldn’t have mattered. Not long ago, he had once told you that he was never going to see you ever again, and while he was glad that fate had brought you to his side once again, he knew that if it was the will of the Force that you would again meet, then there would be little he could do to prevent it. In the meantime, he decided that he had to do what was right by you, and even if that meant wordlessly hardening his resolve that he could never, ever see you again, it was what he had to do.

               Silently, he dipped his head forward in the smallest of nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and then we all know how that plays out! I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and had a Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrated it!! Black Friday is upon us which means I've been scavenging out all the best Star Wars deals...I just ordered a Darth Vader union suit that has a hood AND a cape, like seriously, it has a CAPE. If you're interested, it's 20 right now marked down from 50 at JC Penny's, but men have a similar suit on sale at both Kohl's and JC Penny's for 30. (I bought them both because 1. can never have enough Star Wars 2. all of my onsies usually shrink in the wash so I need to get more every year anyway 3. I'm already drowning in snow over here...t'is a dark and snowy...day). Anyway, if you're looking for a Star Wars specific gift-idea to give to someone or looking for a piece of Star Wars merch you're not sure exists, feel free to message me, I can probably point you in the right direction! xD 
> 
> And next week is going to be our first chapter without Reader in it at all, although it's from Kylo's perspective so of course she's mentioned! If I remember correctly, he has an interesting conversation with Phasma about....something? ;) Until then, cheers!! <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Flare in the Dark  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Events after A Flare in the Dark  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Captain Phasma

               He had no idea why his feet were leading him straight to her door, but he didn’t question it. He didn’t question much anymore. He didn’t question why his gloved hand stretched forward and pounded twice on the heavy material that separated her apartment from the rest of the base, or why she didn’t seem the least bit surprised to open the door to find a masked and moody Kylo Ren standing on the other side.

               “Ren,” she says, and her lips are parted in a signature frown, although her eyebrows are raised slightly, showing…what? Interest? Perhaps concern, but a large part of him doubted it. Phasma’s concerns were few and far between, and very few of them could be linked back to anything personal in nature. Then again, if she was concerned that his recent moods could be detrimental to the Order, well, at least she wouldn’t be wrong on that account. His recent fits had increased in frequency lately, and he had started to care less and less about who got in his way. Not that there was anything really wrong with one less helmet aboard this ship, anyway. One less person to get in his way.

               He doesn’t answer. He’s got nothing to say, and she seems to sense this as she sighs and sinks her face into one hand. She’s not wearing her gloves, and he can still see the raw, charred flesh from where she had been shot with a blaster in a training incident gone south. Why she didn’t just take a day off and leave it soaked it in a tub of bacta for a good while was behind him, but she preferred just rubbing the salve on it every morning and every night and keeping it bandaged, letting it heal slowly. Maybe it helped her feel like she was still alive, still at least somewhat human beneath that chrome helmet. If that was the case, at least a part of him understood.

               “Would you like to come in?” Phasma offers at last, and Ren dips his head forward in what could barely be called a nod, although the motion is almost imperceptible with his helmet partially concealed by his hood. He strides past her and doesn’t even bother taking notice of her living quarters through the tiny slit that he had to see through. Without thinking, he somehow is able to sense what’s around him, as his feet lead him further into the room and suddenly, without his conscious recognition, he’s sitting in a chair, or on a couch, not that it really mattered. You were gone, and that was the only thought that could occupy his mind. You were gone, so far away that he could barely even feel you, and he had no idea how to cope with that. He was never great at coping in general, but this seemed to take on a new level, even for him.

               Phasma is still standing near the doorway, watching him closely, and it suddenly occurs to him now that she may be afraid of him. He still had the lightsaber attached to his belt, and Phasma knew that he was more than capable of striking out with it if he chose to do so. He had no intention of hurting her, but even he had to admit that his moods were volatile, unpredictable, and he had no way to control an attack of rage when it took over him, consumed him, burning him like a fire from the inside out until the only release he could muster was just to strike out at everything and everyone in his path.

               Still, he can’t help but feel slightly… _guilty_ about this, and he knows without thinking that it’s because of you, some of your residual influence that he would never be able to scrub off of him no matter how hard he tried. So, in a conscious effort to show Phasma that he meant her no harm, he slowly removed his helmet, trying to dispel how uncomfortable and vulnerable it made him feel. Instead, he simply looked down at the silver slit in his helmet as if he appeared to be studying it with great interest, staring down at the dark slit that usually had his unblinking eyes staring back.

               It seems to have its desired effect, as he can sense Phasma visibly relax somewhat as she takes a few steps closer into the room. “Can I offer you anything?” she asks at length, but Ren says nothing, does nothing, and suddenly every breath he takes is deliberate and shallow, each exhale a forced contraction of his lungs. Phasma stands there for a few moments, giving him his space, before she speaks again. “I don’t need to have the astute powers of the Force to sense that you miss her.”

               This catches Ren’s attention immediately, as it was intended to, as he looks up at her, before he looks back down again, as if he’s guilty, or vulnerable, or perhaps both. His emotions were always veiled from view from behind his helmet, but now he wasn’t quite sure if the crease between his eyebrows was natural or forced, if he meant to look like this as a show for her or whether it presented itself of its own accord.

               Ren says nothing, knowing any admission of the affirmative would be indicative of weakness, and he didn’t want to hear Phasma chide him for that. Hux had been suspiciously silent, as far as you were concerned, all of the gloating that he would have usually have suspected strangely absent. Regardless, Phasma pulls him from these thoughts as she speaks again. “I know you sent her away, Ren, but I still don’t understand why. Was she in danger?”

               Ren doesn’t answer, but his expression must change as Phasma gives a small snort, as if his silence had confirmed her suspicions. “I suspected as much. The moment Hux told me that he wanted her promoted, I knew it was only a matter of time before you were going to send her away. Not that I blame you. My own feelings on the matter are quite conflicted, although you can sense that, can’t you?”

               He couldn’t, actually, if he was telling the truth. His own Force abilities had been somewhat impacted by your departure as well, and things seemed more…clouded, as of late. He had always been keen to read the thoughts and expressions of others easily, to sense their true intentions, but now this seemed to be something that he couldn’t achieve without constant, steady focus. What had you done to him? You had ruined him, destroyed him, made him weak, and-

               “What?” Ren’s voice cuts like a knife in his throat, sharp and derisive as he finally looks up at her, narrowing his dark eyes as he searches her face for any sign of a lie. “What do you mean _Hux_ wanted her _promoted_?”

               “As I said,” Phasma replies, spreading her hands at her sides. He can sense her confusion now, as if she had assumed that this was something that he had already known. “Hux wanted her promoted. He had heard what an exceptional job she was doing training the auxiliary staff that he wanted her to start working with me to help train some of the newer recruits as well. Apparently he was very impressed with her skills.”

               This assertion does strange things to his insides as he dwells over what she had said. Hux had been impressed with you? When? When had he seen what you were capable of? You had never mentioned that you had encountered Hux, that he had been watching you, and a part of him was suddenly suspicious as to why, although suddenly he couldn’t be all that certain that you had known. You didn’t like Hux more than anyone, and if you were suddenly being watched by him, or at least, _knew_ that you were being watched, you _would_ have said something. Ren could not bring himself to doubt you now. No, if anything, this new piece of information combined with Hux’s questionable silence meant something.

               But what? He had an unnerving suspicion that both Hux and the Supreme Leader were talking about him from behind his back, but he couldn’t be sure of what they were saying or what things they were planning. Did they deem him too volatile to be controlled, and perhaps expendable? Perhaps they were looking to eliminate him entirely or try to pull you back into the folds of the First Order. If that was the case, he knew that he was going to have to make a conscious effort to dispel his wild swings of mood, to control his rage, at least as well as he was able. You may not have been there to console him, but if they were looking to replace him with you, then he would have to do everything in his power to show them that he was still an asset, that he could still be trusted and that he was not as weak as they were both starting to believe.

               Still, he had no idea if these thoughts were just paranoid delusions or ones that were actually based in fact. His mind was filling with doubts, and he could hardly bring himself to try to piece together any of them. He wanted to see you, wanted to feel you again, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that. If he got so much of a taste of you again, he would never be able to leave your side; he knew that, implicitly. He _was_ weak, that was no illusion, and he had no idea how to get back his former strength. The only thing he knew how to do was to try to protect you as best you could, and that meant that he was going to need to start making allies, people who could watch Hux when he was not around, people who he could trust not to tell Hux what he was thinking.

               “I want you to watch Hux,” Ren says at length.

               “Ren, I can’t just-”

               “I just need to know if he’s watching her,” Ren says firmly, his dark eyes blazing, and Phasma seems to soften at this. “I need to know if he’s having her watched, if he’s having her movements monitored.”

               “And if he is?” Phasma asks, as if this is hardly a concern to her. “Ren, you know as well as I do that the Resistance is starting to gain favor from several influential Senators in the New Republic. If they decide to support them, to give them armament and funding, well, that is something that we cannot afford. Hux has his attentions diverted elsewhere at the moment, you know he does.”

               Of course he did. Hux was set on obliterating Hosnian Prime with what seemed like a personal obsession, some sort of vendetta that he couldn’t explain, not that he really dared to. While he could have easily delved into Hux’s mind, while his skills were sharp enough for it, he stayed clear. The way Hux thought was all logic and reason, sharp barbed wire that would cut anyone that got too close. No, Ren had no desire to see what Hux was thinking, it wasn’t something that appealed to him. Your mind had always been pleasing, warm sunshine on his face on a cold day, something that he could savor just by being near you. And now that light was being withheld from him.

               Phasma frowns as she crosses her arms over her chest, as if she can sense where his thoughts are going. “Why don’t you go to her?” she asks. “She always seemed incredibly devoted; why don’t you just go and bring her back?”

               “It’s not safe for her here,” Ren says at length, although the answer is automatic, erupting from his lips of his own accord. There’s something that catches in his voice as he speaks, and Phasma picks up on it immediately.

               “Did you do something?” she asks, and Ren quickly shakes his head. Still, she persists, and her tone turns slightly darker as she tilts her chin forward, narrowing her gaze. “Did you hurt her?”

               “No.” Ren’s heart jumps in his chest and he can feel his blood beginning to boil in his veins again, a cold sweat forming on his brow. Hurt you? No, he had done that _once_ , okay, maybe a brief handful of times he had _scared_ you, but he had only seriously hurt you once and it was something that he had regretted so fiercely it was something that still plagued his nightmares. He could have killed you and if he had, if he had…

               “No, I would _never_ hurt her.”

               “You did once.” Phasma’s voice is flat and matter-of-fact, and Ren just lets out a sigh as he looks away. Why had he even come here? He didn’t need Phasma to tell him what he already knew. Yes, he missed you. Yes, he would give anything, absolutely anything, to have you back but for your own protection, he needed to stay as far away from you as possible. Anything else was dangerous, and he had already put you in more danger than he felt comfortable with. He would never make the same mistake twice, if he could help it, and a part of him wanted to believe that you were happier on your home planet without him. In a way, it would make the whole thing easier, somehow.

               In a way, it would make the whole thing worse.

               He needed his mind to be quiet, and there was only one way to do that. Quickly, he gets to his feet and slips the helmet back over his head. Phasma takes a step forward as if she wants to say something, but seems to think better of it. Good. He didn’t want to take anything out on her; that would get him absolutely nowhere except to possibly confirm Hux’s suspicions that he was too volatile to be controlled and thus a risk to the Order.

               “If anyone is looking into her whereabouts, inform me immediately.” His voice is low and commanding through the familiar voice distortion of his helmet, and Phasma recognizes his authority at once.

               “Yes, sir,” she echoes, her shoulders squaring at the height of obedience, and Ren hesitates for a moment. A part of him wanted to apologize to her for acting this way. He wanted to tell her that he didn’t mean to be intruding on her in the early hours of the morning when she should have been asleep, that he shouldn’t have been bothering her with things that were so personal in nature when he knew how little she cared for attachments. She couldn’t understand what he had felt for you, only knew the fact that he _did_ , although she was one of the few that didn’t seem to judge him for it. He wanted to thank her for that, and yet the words wouldn’t come.

               Instead, he just turned on his heel and left her quarters. He considered going back to his own room, back to his large empty bed, where you usually sat so patiently waiting for him, day after day. But now you were gone and the only thing left in his quarters was the empty shadow of happier memories that threatened to swallow him whole.

               In truth, he was starting to think that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea if they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter today, but given how early things are in their friendship, I couldn't imagine them having a longer chit-chat about Hux or life on the Starkiller Base or the lack-of-weather. Still, I like this chapter a lot because it toys with the fact that Hux did want Reader more involved with the First Order than Kylo had originally thought, and it makes things interesting jumping forward to Glow. Was that truly Hux trying to get her to join the First Order while they sat and traded barbs in Phasma's kitchen, or was that already Snoke? Guess somethings are just better left to the imagination. ;) 
> 
> Next week still takes place after A Flare in the Dark, from Kylo's perspective, and perhaps includes a one-on-one with...maybe...Snoke himself? >.> Until then, cheers!! <3
> 
> By the way, my husband did the impossible and got a custom made tricked out Kylo Ren helmet with its own custom voice modulator...check it out by clicking [here](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/post/153964251644/custom-made-kylo-ren-helmet-with-its-own-tricked) I am floored, this is the best thing ever!! ^_^


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Flare in the Dark  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: After A Flare in the Dark  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader Snoke

               That’s when he felt it.

               He sat bolt upright in bed and for a moment he could have sworn that you were right there beside him, squeezing his hand with all the force you could muster. He turned to his side, but no, your side of the bed is still as empty as ever, and he couldn’t bring himself to start sleeping in the middle again and start taking up the whole bed to himself, just in case you returned. You wouldn’t, he couldn’t let you, but none of that seemed to matter now.

               His head was spinning and he couldn’t help but feel downright nauseous as he dressed quickly. He could feel a gentle probing in the back of his mind, and he knew that the Supreme Leader was reaching out to him, silently encouraging him to seek his counsel. If that was the case, it was unnecessary, as that was already where he was planning on going. He had to see him. He was the only one who could truly understand the implications of this. How serious this was.

               This couldn’t be true, and yet-

               Goosebumps prickled over his forearms as he slipped on his helmet and stalked down the hallway. It was the dead of night and the corridors were thankfully empty as he wound his way down into the depths of the base. He felt dizzy and lightheaded and he wasn’t sure how much of it was the fear of facing the Supreme Leader, or the fact that he was struggling to accept what had happened. It couldn’t be true. It had to be a dream. He felt it through the Force, but there was something else, something that twisted in his gut and made his heart beat faster with every passing step.

               He was definitely going to throw up.

               If he had the patience to try, he probably could have counted each individual strand of hair on his head, each one standing at attention as they seemed to pull at his roots. His helmet, which had always seemed like a valued form of protection before, suddenly felt heavy and oppressive, making him feel unnaturally claustrophobic. How could this have happened? How could he have _let_ this happen? It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be. He wasn’t sure if he almost wanted it to be or not but considering the circumstances, it just wasn’t right. He had wanted to keep you safe, and yet this was sure to put you in more danger than ever.

               No, no, no. It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be.

               And yet, as he walked down the long bridge suspended over the dark abyss beneath him, he felt diminutive in comparison to the large hologram that stood glaring down at him. At least, he thought it was a glare. He wasn’t sure if the Supreme Leader was perhaps incensed by what had transpired or Ren’s reaction to it, but he couldn’t help himself, not now. The _worst_ had happened, and he had no way to explain it to anyone when he couldn’t even rationalize it to himself.

               He stops in front of the Supreme Leader, the last of his footfalls echoing in the oppressive silence. He closes his eyes beneath the helmet and lowers his head silently, as if waiting for the final judgement to be cast upon him. “So,” Supreme Leader Snoke begins, drawing out the last syllable of the word. “You have felt it.”

               “I have,” Ren’s voice is clear and crisp in the silence, but he offers nothing more than affirmation. Snoke leans forward to study him for a moment, and when he hums in consideration, it’s a steady vibration that seems to shake Ren’s bones to their core.

               “You…are afraid,” Snoke notes as he looks him over, and Ren can feel something cold seize in his chest as he gives his head a small shake.

               “I don’t understand how this could have happened,” he admits, although his voice sounds small in the vastness, almost like a child pleading innocence. Snoke hums again, but the sound is less intimidating than it was before. Snoke himself doesn’t seem altogether _angry_ , although Ren isn’t sure if he can call that a good thing given his present circumstances.

               “What can you sense?” Snoke asks, drawing out each word, and Ren can feel his hands almost shaking as he clamps his hands into fists at his sides. He wasn’t sure what the point was in giving him such a forthright answer, but he felt compelled to give him an honest response regardless.

               “She has given birth to a child,” Ren says, although his mouth has suddenly gone dry and he finds the words barely able to escape his lips. “I have a son.”

               “Yes,” Snoke confirms in his low grumble, and Ren lets his eyelids slip closed for a moment as he lets the reality of the situation sink in. It was true, then. During his last bid to feel you again, your implant must have failed and you had conceived a child. His child. His _son_. He knew that he could never see you again, for your own protection, but suddenly this made matters more complicated than he felt capable of truly realizing. “I have felt it, as have many others.”

               A _lot_ more complicated.

               “What should I do?” Ren asks, desperate for any form of direction that Snoke was willing to provide. He didn’t know what to do, he truly didn’t. He hadn’t had time to properly assess things in order to figure out what he could do to make the best decision, but even then, he couldn’t be sure that his own line of thinking would lead him to the right conclusion. Suddenly, leaving you suspended at arm’s length no longer seemed to be the right thing to do. If anything, it almost made him feel selfish by comparison, as if it was easier for him to deal with you by just leaving you out of his sight. Was this the Force’s way of telling him that he shouldn’t have cast you aside by pushing you so forcefully back into his life?

               “Many will be interested in this boy,” Snoke murmurs after a long pause, as if this was something that he had been considering about as well. Snoke always seemed to have all the answers, always seemed to see things before they happened, but now Ren was starting to wonder if this was something that he had not been able to foresee, if the Force had concealed this from even him. If that was true, what could be the purpose for it? It was a dangerous thing to consider here, in his presence, but perhaps the Force wanted to keep his son concealed from Snoke as well.

               “Should I get him?” Ren asks, and he’s almost disappointed by how desperate his voice must sound. “I can get them, and bring them here-”

               “No,” Snoke says, drawing out the word, and Ren can’t help but feel a bit of disappointment rise in his chest. It was safer for you away from him, he knew that much was true, but right now he wanted nothing more to be able to hold you in his arms again, both you and his infant son. “They will stay safe where they are. She will raise him until he comes of age, and when the time comes, we will take him for you to train.”

               _Take the boy. Not her. If she objects, eliminate her._ The meaning of Snoke’s words washes over him, and he’s suddenly aware of a chill that seems to have taken over his body. It’s not something that he wants to dwell on, not something he wants to entertain. Bringing her back here was dangerous, and yet-

               “But you said yourself, others have sensed it,” Ren argues, although he knows resisting Snoke’s command was a futile effort. “The Resistance will be after him, as will others. It could be dangerous to leave them unprotected. Would it not be better to bring them here-?”

               “No,” Snoke thunders suddenly, and Ren takes an involuntary step back from the hologram. Snoke did not like to be questioned, and he knew that the more sentiment he showed for you, the more dangerous things were going to become. Snoke seems to sense Ren submit, as his expression lightens somewhat. “This is a great gift for us; a challenge has been set before you. If this child were to be found by Luke Skywalker…”

               Snoke’s voice trails off as Ren’s head snaps up to attention. No, that couldn’t happen. That could _not_ happen. He couldn’t let it. Luke had been in exile, but this could very well be something that would draw him out of it. Luke would seek revenge, he was sure of it, and he would kill both you and his son in the process. No, that was not something that he could permit to happen.

               “I will find it,” Ren declares suddenly, his voice loud and vicious. “I will find the map that leads to Luke Skywalker, and I will destroy him before he becomes a threat to our plans, Supreme Leader.”

               Snoke bows his head forward for a moment, and his expression darkens, although Ren is not sure why. Perhaps he senses something, something that Ren himself is unaware of, but if he does, he chooses not to voice his concerns aloud. Instead, he simply leans back in his chair, and his voice dips into its familiar low growl. “See it done,” he concludes, and with that, Ren bows out and quickly disappears from the chamber. His feet carry him through the base and back to his room, where he quickly closes the door behind him and leans against it. His legs feel like they’re about to drop out from underneath him, and he’s honestly not quite sure how he’s still standing.

               He had a son. A son. You had somehow conceived his child, and while a part of him wanted to deny it, it was his _son_ , he could feel it. The words kept echoing through his mind, looping themselves through his thoughts over and over again, and it seemed there was nothing he could do to shut them out. He needed you here, he needed you now, more than ever. He needed you to console him, to help him think, to help him stay calm, but this frantic sense of nervousness that seemed to be darting through his blood seemed unlike anything he had ever felt before. For some reason, he didn’t want to lash out and hit anything. It seemed almost impossible to believe, but he felt _weak_ , as if he was suddenly being sucked clean of any energy left in his body.

               But what was it that was making him so weak? Was it the Force, trying to subtly indicate that he was making the wrong decision by leaving you alone? Perhaps there truly was a reason that you had entered his life after all. So long had passed that he had considered that your presence had simply been a coincidence, that there had been no greater meaning behind your meeting after all, but how could he say that now? You had not only conceived a child despite your implant, but had somehow managed to carry the child to term and give birth. It wasn’t even a question so much as what that meant for you, but what that meant for _him_. His own father had abandoned him, much as yours had, and he had no idea how to be an effective parent, if he even wished to be one.

               But did he wish to be one? He couldn’t honestly say with any real certainty one way or the other. He knew Snoke would laugh at these thoughts if he ever admitted to entertaining them, but he was nowhere near foolish enough to do that. No, there was no one that he could talk to about this. Briefly, the thought of informing Phasma about what had occurred flickered through his mind, before he realized that involving her could present any number of unnecessary risks. No, he knew implicitly that it was better to keep the number of people who knew about this to a minimum, and to be completely honest with himself, he didn’t trust what Hux might do with that information besides torment him relentlessly with it. No, he would keep this information to himself, and hope it remained as confidential as possible.

               But he could only control things as far as the First Order. Other people _had_ been able to sense it. It was no secret to anyone who was paying attention just how powerful he was in the Force, and he hadn’t a doubt that his mother had sensed it as well. This didn’t overly concern him, as long as you were following his instructions and staying safe on your home planet, his mother’s odds of finding you were relatively low, not that you would be foolish enough to trust someone with the Resistance, anyway. No, he knew that if you were ever confronted, you would do what needed to be done and escape safely with his son. You knew how much he loathed the Resistance, and while he had never fully explained to you why, he knew that you would never do him the dishonor of joining in with a group that was intent on his destruction.

               Which led back to the question of why had his son been born in the first place? It was the will of the Force, he could have no doubts about that, but what did it mean that the Force wanted him to conceive a son? An heir? Would the First Order truly be successful in its mission to secure a hold on the galaxy? Or was it quite the opposite? What if his son was meant to destroy him? Although he could trust you to remain loyal to him, he could only imagine how much of a struggle it would be for his son to grow up without a father; he could picture it remarkably well, considering he had gone through that same struggle himself.

               But he was not going to make the same mistakes that his father had made. He was not going to abandon his son, if he could help it. He would have to remain at a distance, for your own protection; if he wasn’t careful, there was a risk that he could lead the Resistance straight to you, and that was something that he wanted to avoid at all costs. But he was not going to get any answers by remaining distant. He had to visit you, he had to see his son for himself; only then would he be able to ascertain the meaning behind such a sign, and know what should be done, once and for all.

               His future may have been hidden from him, but he _would_ get the answers that he was seeking, he was sure of it. If he trusted in the Force, it would not steer him wrong. The only question was, which side would ultimately guide him in the right direction: the dark side, or the light?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shorter chapter again today, but they're not going to all be that way. Sometimes it's just a snippet of a scene to see what we've missed, and sometimes it will be a much longer scene, especially when we relive certain key events from his perspective. Next week, we're going back to Flare and doing just that, where we relive one of the most.....controversial?.....scenes from Flare between Kylo and Reader? It's a much longer, solid chapter, and I'm kind of really excited for it, because that scene feeds into another key scene from Flare which actually feeds into another key scene from Candle....you'll see. ;) Until then, cheers!! <3
> 
> Oh, by the way, who else has got tickets to see Rogue One?? I'm heading to the first showing the US has available...IMAX, 3-D, closed captioning...I'm so ready for this!! Who's with me?! xD


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Flare in the Dark  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel to chapter 7, when he chokes her out  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader

               Kylo Ren refused to be made a fool of.

               He stormed down the hallway, the blood boiling in his veins. That was what you were doing, wasn’t it? Mocking him behind closed doors when you thought you weren’t being watched. You were _always_ being watched here; how _stupid_ of you to try to think otherwise. You and that giant green thing you associated with. What did you call him? Taro? Yes, Taro, the only one of them that had a name. He saw you together through the monitors, your hands moving back and forth, and it didn’t take him long to know that you were talking about _him_. He couldn’t get into your thoughts, no, and it was rather difficult to enter Taro’s mind considering the collective strength of the Tortutaru hive mind, but he knew that you were talking about him.

               It wasn’t paranoia. It wasn’t. He didn’t understand your language, and he couldn’t read your minds, which is why it made perfect sense that you were planning something against him. He had been wrong. You weren’t here to target Hux or the First Order; you were here for him, specifically. Your story checked out. Hux had confirmed that the credentials of everyone in your party had been checked and triple checked; you were all who you said you were and seemed to have no connections to the New Republic or the loathsome Resistance.

               So why couldn’t he get into your _fucking mind?_ Without even realizing what he was doing, the lightsaber was in his hand and he let out a series of angry growls as he lashed at the wall again and again, watching the sparks dance in front of his narrowed field of vision. The muscles in his biceps twisted and ached, but he would not release his tension. Instead, he let it fuel him, feed him. He thought about you, how soft you were, how gentle, and he could clearly recall how your breath hitched in your throat when he had brushed his gloved hand against your cheek. He had wanted to take off his gloves and feel your soft, warm skin underneath his fingertips. He wanted to slowly, gently, lower his face towards yours, to brush his lips against yours, just wanted to see what you tasted like-

               He let out another angry growl as he smashed his lightsaber into the wall again and again, but the metal had since been worn away and revealed the sensitive wiring of the base. The last time he had done such a thing, Sector 174 hadn’t had power for over two weeks, which had prompted Hux to give him the silent treatment. It had been preferable, at first, until Ren realized just how frustrating it was to get _anything_ done without Hux’s constant stream of intel. At least he hadn’t asked him to debase himself and apologize; that was something he would _never_ have done.

               You were doing this, somehow, he was sure of that. You were talking about him behind his back, you were scheming against him. You had to be. You were subtly influencing him somehow; how else would he be able to explain the urges he felt stirring within him whenever he was near you? Or even whenever he thought of you? Even Hux seemed troubled by the way he seemed to follow you around on the monitors, catching every hint of your whereabouts until you disappeared into your room. But he wasn’t obsessed, no, he was _attentive_ , and he was going to make sure that you couldn’t make a fool of him before it was too late.

               Turning away from the smoking wreckage of his latest rampage, he turned on his heel and could hear his boots echoing heavily down the corridor, subtly encouraging anyone and everyone to stay out of his way, lest they meet their death that night. He would do it, too. Anyone who crossed his path? Dead. He would crush their skulls from within their helmet. Why? He had to. He had to do it. He had to remind himself that he was still powerful, that he was still _in control._ He was not in control of himself when he was near you, and that would be his downfall. No, he had to…to…to _fix_ this, somehow.

               He had to know what you were planning. He had to. He had been advised to take this slowly, to earn your trust, to try to get into your mind as subtly as possible, but he couldn’t wait. He couldn’t wait for you to enact your plan against him; he wouldn’t allow himself to give you the time to set up whatever scheme that you clearly had in place. It was protection, it was self-defense, and it was unfortunate, but it was _necessary._

               Your death was, unfortunately, necessary.

               He’s at your door before he realizes it, and knocks clearly, the tense muscles in his arms still twitching. You’re nervous, he can sense that through the door, and you had good reason to be nervous. Nervous, because you knew you were up to no good, and you were worried about being caught. As you open the door, he can see that you’re clearly expecting him, trading out your pajamas for a shirt and a pair of slacks.

               He enters the room quickly, making sure that he isn’t seen before he stops short in front of you and crosses his arms over his chest, shoulders squared and at attention as he looks you up and down. You seem on edge as you stand a few feet away from him, mimicking his stance as you stand with your arms crossed over your own chest as well. He studies you, studies the lines in your face, the curve of your lips, the trail from your eyes to your nose, and you stare back at him, as if wondering what he could possibly be seeing in you.

               “Are you trying to read my mind?” you ask at length.

               Like she didn’t know. Play pretend, trying to make herself seem innocent. It was a good trick, but he saw right through it.

               “Are you ready to let me in?” Two could play at that game, and he wanted to make it clear that he was in charge here, and _he_ was going to be the one to ask the questions. Maybe if you finally broke and told him what he needed to know, he didn’t have to kill you. He couldn’t explain why, but he didn’t _want_ to kill you. He wanted something, but he wasn’t quite sure how to put it into words.

               “If we’re going to do this, please mask off,” you say quickly, and if he’s not mistaken, you almost seem a bit resigned.

               “No.” He was going to do this on _his_ terms, and he wasn’t going to get any more vulnerable with you than he had unfortunately already gotten. He had shown you his face, he had humanized himself to you, and while he knew that would occasionally work in his favor, it wouldn’t work now. He didn’t want to warm up to you anymore. No, he wanted you to fear him.

               “Then I have a new rule.” Bold, you were always so bold and he couldn’t deny how much he liked that. You had every reason to fear him, and yet you always seemed as intrigued by him as he was by you. It was _almost_ as if you thought you had nothing to fear from him, almost as if you felt you had nothing to hide, but that couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t be. “I’ll only let you in if I can see you.”

               This throws him off balance, but only for a moment. He supposed it was meant to, trying to unnerve him, trying to remind him that he was vulnerable now. “Why does it matter?”

               “Only cowards hide behind a mask,” you reply softly. “The only reason you’re wearing it is either to intimidate me or so I can’t see the look on your face. If it’s the first, I’m not intimidated by you here, with everyone so close by. And if it’s the second-” You shrug. “I’ve already seen your face, so there’s no point in keeping it on.”

               Something unpleasant pulls at his insides, and it doesn’t take him more than a moment to realize that you were insulting him, taunting him, trying to prove that you were superior to him, and he would not allow that. “Do you think I am a coward?” he asks, pleased by how menacing his voice sounded through the familiar distortion of his mask.

               You immediately take a step back and shake your head from side to side, eyes wide, as if you only now realized what you were saying. Was it possible that you weren’t trying to insult him? You looked so sincere, so innocent, for a moment he couldn’t believe that you would be involved in a nefarious plot to bring about his downfall. “You are very interesting,” he murmurs, but this statement only seems to perplex you.

               “How so?”

               You were good, he had to give you that, but he would give you time. He would play along. “Getting involved in a skirmish you know nothing about?” he gently taunts. “Putting your life in danger, all the while declaring yourself just to be a neutral messenger, as if that in itself is your claim to innocence.”

               “I never said I was innocent,” you reply quietly, your voice suddenly guarded and wary.

               “Did you know before you came here?” he asks. “About the Force?” He didn’t expect you to respond in any way but in the negative, but he hoped to at least get a good read on you to see if there were any tells that he could notice to clearly see that you were lying.

               “No,” you reply simply, and he’s almost a bit disappointed by your response. Either you were telling the truth, or your mannerisms had been carefully rehearsed beforehand, should you be subject to intense interrogation. “I would like to think that I would’ve been smart enough to stay away if I had.”

               Such a flip comment. Was it a deflection to make him believe that you were truly innocent? It was working, if it was, and if it was sincere, well…it wasn’t. It couldn’t be. “Smart enough to stay away, and yet you just insinuated that I was a coward,” he muses as he decides to keep playing your game.

               “I never said my intelligence was anything to boast about,” you admit, but you seem downright nervous now as you stumble over your words. You were witty, he had to give you that, but surely the sweat on your brow was a sign of your guilt. He was asking dangerous questions, and they were clearly unnerving your sense of contrition. Keeping the mask on had its intended effect, and you were beginning to realize that you were trifling with someone very dangerous and very powerful. Hopefully you would just admit to whatever scheme you were planning and end these games.

               “Are you afraid of me?” he asks, deciding to get right to the point. “You seem much more fearful than my last visit.”

               You raise your eyebrows, as if you didn’t expect this comment. “Well, you’re wearing the mask, for one,” you admit, and he’s almost surprised to hear you indirectly confirm it. Maybe you weren’t as stupid as you seemed after all. “I also heard about…” You quickly shut your mouth, but it’s too late. So they had told you, the two mentors, they had warned you about him. He had carefully rehearsed his plan with Hux to make sure it all went according to plan, and Hux had played his part perfectly. He had severely reprimanded him after, of course, but now he could see that his plan clearly _had_ worked. The two interpreters had told you about what he had done.

               Of course, it was always possible that it served as a cautionary tale, and that they had told not only you but the others as well, but the situation was… _circumspect_ , to say the least, especially considering how they had gone on in great deal about how _confidentiality_ was of utmost importance to them. “And here I thought interpreters were supposed to maintain confidentiality,” he taunts, pleased that his plan had gone so well. If they were planning anything, it seemed that he was at least one step ahead of them, at least for now. He just had to make sure things stayed that way.

               “We do,” you say quickly, and if he’s not mistaken, you almost seem a little defensive. “We were debriefing and it just came out. We – they – felt it was important for us to know…” Your voice trails off, and he realizes that he has you cornered now. He also notes how you had said _us_ instead of _you_ , and he honestly can’t tell if this had been carefully rehearsed or if you were telling the truth. Either way, he had the upper hand now, and he intended to take full advantage of it.

               “-that I can hurt you?” he finishes for you, and you flinch on instinct. He takes a step towards you, and you quickly raise your hand in a classic gesture of the Force, hand raised at the level of your chest, arm straight out, fingers slightly curved in.

               Alarm immediately shoots through him, each fine hair on his arm standing on end. So you did know how to use the Force, and now that you were threatened, now that you realized you were in danger, you were finally going to challenge him, once and for all.

               Except, you weren’t. He stops and tilts his head to the side, studying you. You push your arm out in front of you again, tilting your hand this way and that, as if trying to awaken something dormant inside of you. Nothing was happening. He didn’t feel anything. He didn’t sense anything. You may have been strong enough in the Force to keep him out, but you clearly had no idea how to channel what was inside of you. This wasn’t a ruse, unless, of course, that was what you wanted him to think. You wanted him to lower his defenses, so that when the time came, he thought that you were weak, and helpless, and then you could turn around and eliminate him once and for all.

               And he wasn’t going to give you the opportunity. “I think you meant to do this.” He mimics your motion as he throws his arm out in front of him, and you flinch suddenly as he uses the Force to crush your windpipe as he slowly lifts you up into the air. He watches as your legs kick out in every direction, watches as you try to speak, though your words are garbled through your restricted airway.

               He needed to do this now, and he needed to do this fast. He quickly summons you towards him, and he floats you through the air until his gloved fingers close around your throat, hoping the tangible pressure from his fingers would make you realize that this was real, hopefully make you understand that he was going to take this from you, and there wasn’t a thing you could do to stop him. If you gave him what he needed to know, and quickly, he might decide to spare your life, if for no other reason than to try to further discover who else was involved in the plot against him.

               “Let me in.” He puts two fingers on the side of your temple as he pushes, trying to channel all of his focus into the action as he pushes with his mind, but it was like coming up against a brick wall. You were shielding him somehow, still keeping him out, and it didn’t appear that you were weakening in the slightest. But how could you not be? He tightens his grip around your throat, and he can see that you’re visibly affected now. This was going to kill you, and quickly, if you didn’t act fast. If you didn’t let him in, you were going to die. The threat was real, and you knew it, he had made _sure_ that you knew it.

               You’re starting to slip away now, he can sense that much, but the wall blocking off your thoughts isn’t weakening at all. He pushes harder, knowing that you have but precious seconds left to spare. That’s when something comes to him, quickly, although he’s not sure if it’s from the back of your mind or from his. Sunlight. A sea of rich, green grass. A child’s laughter. Warmth. A feeling of peace, of happiness. Was this a memory from your mind? It didn’t _feel_ like a memory, for some reason, it didn’t feel like it was coming from you at all. Then where-?

               He can’t explain where it’s coming from, but all of a sudden he feels gripped by enormous panic as he feels you slip off the edge. _No, I can’t do this. I can’t kill her, I can’t do it, I can’t, I can’t do it, I’m weak, fine, I’m weak, but I can’t do this, not her, not her._ He could make whatever rationalizations, whatever justifications he needed to in order to explain this to himself later, but for right now, the adrenaline was pumping viciously through his blood and he couldn’t deny that he felt seized with a new kind of fear, a cold sweat soaking him through to the skin.

               As he released his hold on you completely, you swayed to the side, and he caught you right before you collapsed, scooping you up in his arms. He could feel his heart beat slightly faster as he looked down at you, down at the red ring around your throat, before he forced himself to look away. He walked to the side of the bed as he laid you down gently, carefully supporting your head to make sure he wouldn’t hurt you any worse than he already had. He put his fingertips to your temple again, hoping beyond hope that this time you would let him in. He didn’t want to see your thoughts, or whatever you had planned against him, no, this time he only wanted to see how badly he had hurt you, to feel your pain as if it was his own so he could figure out what he needed to do to help you.

               “Let me in,” he urges quietly, but even now, on Death’s doorstep, he can sense you pulling away from him, determined to your last breath.

               “Or you’ll make it hurt worse?” you croak. Your voice is pitiful, and pathetic, and he can’t deny how much it hurts to hear you this way, to know that he was the one who had hurt you so terribly. He had done this to you, and what was worse, he couldn’t understand anything that he was feeling right now. Yes, he had hurt you, and he knew he shouldn’t be sorry that he had. He had come here with the intention of _killing you_ , and now he was baffled by a strange sense of protectiveness towards you. He didn’t want anything to happen to you. He wanted you to be safe. But where was this coming from? Was it somehow connected to the vision he had seen? What was that?

               Whatever the case, he realizes he’s clearly not getting into your mind as he lets his fingers slip from your temple as his hand drops back uselessly to his side. “Keep going,” you murmur weakly, and from beneath his helmet, Ren’s expression quickly switches to one of alarm. Keep going? If he did, that would kill you. He watches as your eyelids flutter shut, listened to the ugly, wet sound that was present in each rasping breath. Maybe you were urging him to get it over with, to just make it quick.

               It suddenly occurs to him that this is what you thought of him now. You saw him as a monster, as someone to not only be feared, but to be loathed and hated. He couldn’t deny the sinking feeling in his chest, and he’s disappointed to see himself feel anything at all. A secret part of him didn’t want you to hate him, and yet why should he even _care_ about what you thought of him? Not that it truly mattered, anyway. He had almost killed you, hell, maybe he had killed you, maybe you would slip away some time in the night. He couldn’t be sure, but what he did know, was that if and when you awoke the next morning, you were not going to be able to forgive him for what he had done to you.

               And maybe that was for the best.

               But you don’t seem like you’re in any mood to simply roll over and die as you roll unto your side to look up at him, cracking open one red, bloodshot eye as you study him. He honestly wasn’t sure if you could even see him clearly before you dropped backwards into the pillow, as if your strength had finally abandoned you at last.

               _Don’t leave._ He’s not sure why these words flit through his thoughts, why he was silently asking you not to leave him. He had done this. He had almost killed you, and yet? He couldn’t help but look down at your parted lips and think about how soft and warm you had looked when he had first touched you. Were you still warm now? Or would you be cool to the touch as your light slowly burned down like a waning candle flame? Slowly, without thinking, he pulls off one of his gloves and reaches forward, brushing your hair back away from your face.

               His thoughts are quiet as his hand moves in slow, repetitive motions, his thumb occasionally brushing against your cheek. You were still warm. You were still soft, and suddenly he can’t help but feel a sick sense of regret burning a hole from within his chest.

               He didn’t have to do it. He didn’t have to hurt you. You didn’t know anything; he was sure of it now. Something else was going on here, but whatever it was, you were ignorant of it. He hadn’t taken his Master’s advice. He hadn’t waited for the plot to reveal itself. He was rash, and impatient, just as he always was, and he was once again going to have to suffer the consequences for it. Usually, though, the consequences tended to be punishments that affected him directly. Never before had he felt such regret towards pain that he had inflicted on someone else.

               Your breathing is a bit quieter now, and he gently moves his fingertips down to your neck to check your pulse. The skin there is still tender and red, and he can see that a bruise is forming, not that he truly wants to look too closely at it to survey the damage and see just what he had done to you. A part of him was worried that it would haunt him forever. He had seen many terrible things on the battlefield, but he had never before experienced this kind of emotion towards anyone before. He wasn’t sure why, but he knew he didn’t want to. He could end his suffering now, yours too, and it would be so, so easy to do so, but he just couldn’t. Something was holding him back, and while he couldn’t put his finger on quite what that was, the feelings stirring inside of him were overwhelming, threatening to swallow him whole. He had never been so, so _affected_ by anyone before, and he just didn’t know how else to describe it.

               As his fingers touch your overheated skin, you wince and jerk back, stirring suddenly as if the life was returning back to your body, and he’s almost pleased to see you look more alive and in pain than silent and impassive. You open your eyes again and blink a few times, as if you’re trying to get him back into view, and Ren isn’t quite sure if he should apologize or just walk away.

               “Didn’t get in, did you?” you ask, and now it’s Ren’s turn to blink in surprise. He had no idea how you still managed to be this defiant, but it was clear now that there was something going on. You may not have been completely responsible for whatever was keeping him out of your mind, but you were at least aware of it, and to find out what was going on, he was going to have to stay close and watch over you, not that that was really possible after what he had done. He had disappointed his Master, he had disappointed himself, and somehow, worst of all, he had hurt you. He still didn’t know why he cared so much, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t find your consistent boldness and defiance at least somewhat endearing.

               You roll back slightly, as if you’re fading out of it again, and your hand shoots out to reach something, anything. Your hand grabs his and he jumps back slightly, not expecting it, before he takes your hand and holds it. He had never actually held someone’s hand before, probably not since he was a young boy holding his mother’s hand as he walked with her around the Senate building on Hosnian Prime, and he honestly wasn’t sure who was more surprised by the action, you or him. You squeeze his hand, as if you were trying to feel the warmth of his palm to comfort you, before you roll slightly towards him again, as if you’re about to speak. He leans in close, anxiously awaiting your next words.

               “Coward.”

               The words come out in a hiss before you drop back down onto your side, and he stands there in shocked, stunned silence as he lets the word permeate him. You had been right before. _Only cowards hide behind a mask._ Slowly, without letting go of your hand, he slips off his helmet and sits down at your bedside, keeping a firm grip on your hand. You were right. He was a coward. That was the only reason he had done this, the only reason why he had been so aggressive and impatient in trying to extract the truth from you. Because he had begun to feel something towards you, and so he had to do something reckless and stupid to push you away from him once and for all, like a child who couldn’t be sure what he wanted.

               “I’m-” He tries to get the words out, but they won’t come, not that you would have heard them anyway. Instead, he raises your hand to his lips and gently brushes the backs of your knuckles against his lower lip. You _were_ soft, and he would never be able to touch you like this ever again. He turns slightly and shifts your hand to his free one so that he could more easily reach down and stroke your hair back out of your face again. You let out a small sigh of contentment as you seem to nestle into the point of contact, and Ren is surprised to feel a gentle smirk tug at the corner of his lips.

               Tonight could have gone so much differently. He had come here to kill you, he had almost succeeded, and suddenly now that was the last thing on his mind. No, right now, hurting you seemed almost unfathomable. He wanted to protect you, wanted to keep you safe, and it almost surprised him how naturally these feelings came to him. He wasn’t ashamed of them, or perhaps he simply hadn’t dwelled on them long enough to assess these thoughts properly. In the morning, after he had some sleep, he would be able to assess the situation more objectively and figure out where these feelings were coming from.

               He didn’t know how long he stayed there with you, aside from hours. He stayed until he sensed someone stirring in the other room, before he quickly donned his helmet and gently rested your hand on the pillow beside your head. Your bruises were swelling now, and he couldn’t force himself to look at them in any considerable detail. No, he was going to have to stay far, far away from you, and give you the space that you so obviously were going to need before he could even begin to think about approaching you again. Supreme Leader Snoke would obviously be displeased with this lack of progress, but he couldn’t help what he had already done.

               He exits your room quietly, and as he heads back through the still, empty corridor, he can’t help but feel his emotions shift. What in the Force was _wrong_ with him? He had been so focused, so intent on killing you, about completing his objective, about doing what needed to be done, before he felt like his resolve had dissolved into putty in your hands. He couldn’t kill you. He hadn’t been able to do it. He hadn’t been able to accomplish his goal, and that, in itself, was a weakness.

               It doesn’t take him long to reach his room, and he quickly takes off his helmet and discards it as he begins to pace frantically around the room. What the hell had come over him? When he was with you, he suddenly seemed overcome by some unknown sense of affection that seemed to permeate his entire being. But why? What was causing this? Was it the vision that he had had? What was that? It seemed distinctly related to you, and yet it was clearly not something from your memory. So what could it have been? It clearly wasn’t any sort of vision from the future, as he couldn’t possibly imagine ever feeling such peace.

               Maybe this was your hidden skill. Maybe this was your trap. Maybe you were doing something, messing with his emotions, in order to make him feel this way towards you. Unless, maybe, just maybe, you weren’t doing anything at all. Perhaps his own repressed emotions were somehow rising to the surface, refusing to be ignored.

               Kylo Ren did not like people. He didn’t like being around them, he didn’t like talking to them, and yet, for some strange reason, he wanted to be with you. He wanted to spend time with you. He wanted to learn more about you and while that made sense, while you were part of something that was going on here, he couldn’t say for certain that his motives were altogether objective and…unselfish.

               He didn’t know what this was. He had never felt anything like this before, and in the back of his mind, he was honestly hoping he never would have to, not ever again. He had never apologized to anyone for his actions before, and he didn’t intend to start now. He was not going to let whatever feelings were starting to surface get in the way of his mission. He wasn’t going to feel sorry for trying to follow orders, for trying to complete his objectives, and he wasn’t going to apologize, not to himself, or to you.

               At least, not until a few weeks later, when he found himself doing exactly that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I a terrible person for saying that I think this is one of my favorite chapters? I think I just really enjoy playing with Kylo's fragile emotions...okay, now that does make me sound like a terrible person. But at least we know it all has a satisfying conclusion and a happy ending, so it makes painful moments like this a little bit easier to look back on. Next week, we continue basically where we leave off here, when Kylo goes back to apologize for choking her after he's been away for a few weeks and Reader's been able to take advantage of Phasma's offer and start her training. And then the chapter that, well, let's just say I've reserved a special holiday chapter for you all, featuring Reader, Ren, Kylo, Phasma, Hux, Ladson, Sadie, AND Taro all in one chapter of "never-before-scene" content...I'm quite excited, and I hope you are too!! ^_^ Until then, cheers!!
> 
> PS: I saw Rogue One already and it is SO GOOD, seriously, this is the best of all the Star Wars movies because it's literally a war movie, my favorite kind of movie, set in the Star Wars universe. And you can bet that I've already started writing fanfiction about it. You can check out my Rogue One Prompt Collection on ao3 by clicking [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8865202/chapters/20324266)!! There's two up right now and plenty more to come!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Flare in the Dark  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel to chapter 11, when he apologizes for choking her  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader

               It was time.

               A part of him had been looking forward to this day, and another part of him had been dreading it. He didn’t know what to say to you, he honestly didn’t. A part of him expected you to scream at him, to slam the door in his face, or worse, scream for help and alert your friends to his presence. Another part of him dreaded something worse. He dreaded that you would cower in fear of him, too afraid to even meet his eyes.

               Fortunately or unfortunately, he had been called off on urgent business with the rest of his Knights, and most of his thoughts had been too preoccupied by the impending battle to give you much thought. No, as the blood splattered against the chrome visor around the eyehole in his helmet, he didn’t even stop to consider what you might think of him in that moment. That was a blessing, otherwise he might not have had the courage to do what needed to be done.

               He didn’t know when he had suddenly become so weak, so concerned with what you would think of him if you had known of the awful things he had done, but he tried to push it out of his mind. It wasn’t a true concern, more of a trivial, passing thought that he entertained, simply because he could. What you thought meant nothing to him, he assured himself, he only needed you so far as to find out how you were linked to the threat against him and the First Order. He didn’t believe that you actually knew what was going on, but you were involved in some way, and the closer he got to you, the closer he got to uncovering the truth.

               For some reason, his mood was more quiet and composed than he had expected it to be as he raps on your door with the backs of his knuckles. He could handle this; he knew he could. If he could handle fifty men firing at him all at once and take them all down single-handedly, he could handle one girl. Besides, Phasma had already explained to him that she had invited you and your friends to take part in the training lessons usually reserved for auxiliary staff, and you were doing quite well there. If you _were_ still terrified, or even traumatized by what he had done to you, in Phasma’s opinion, you didn’t show it, and you were handling yourself quite well.

               He didn’t know if it was because you were drawing your strength from the Force or because you had a strong reserve of mental fortitude that you kept close because of your past, or maybe it was simply because that was who you were, but that didn’t matter now. All that mattered now was your expression when you opened up the door on the second knock, and he almost finds himself pleased to see that you’re back in your usual nighttime attire.

               As he appraises you and looks you up and down, he can see you doing the same in return before you finally step back and allow him to enter. He closes the door behind him quickly, noting out of the corner of his eyes that you refused to turn your back on him. You were still wary of him, he could see, but rightfully so.

               The moments pass by and he watches you through his helmet, and you stare right back. Your expression is hardened slightly, forehead creased, lips pursed together tightly as you survey him, perhaps waiting for the next blow to come. He wanted you to make the first move, to have the first word, so that he could better ascertain how you felt and figure out where to go from there. But no, it was clear that you weren’t going to speak first. Instead, he could almost feel your energy, and it wasn’t weakening. If anything, the longer he stood there, the less you seemed to fear him, and he would be lying if he said it didn’t please him.

               “You’re different,” he offers at length, hoping that such a neutral comment would prompt a response that would better allow him to gauge how it was you still felt towards him after what he had done to you. He didn’t expect your forgiveness, or want it; he just wanted to get back to the mission at hand, and that could only be done by getting close to you so he could better understand the nature of the threat that your presence there represented.

               “I’m not different,” you reply, and he’s pleased to hear your voice is strong and level. “I’m just not afraid.”

               “Good.” The corner of his lip quirks up, and he can’t deny that he feels almost a bit relieved as he reaches up and unlocks the mechanism at the base of his helmet before he quickly slides it off his head, setting it down on the floor beside him instead of just dropping it so as not to startle you. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me.” He knows he’s putting himself in far more of a vulnerable position than he feels comfortable with, but it seems unfortunately necessary if he ever wants to earn back your trust.  

               As you look back at him, he can’t help but notice that your expression looks almost bored as you brush your hair away from your neck, where he can clearly see a red outline still stretching the expanse of your throat. He forces himself to look at it, forces himself to see what he did, although he knows that it could have been worse, no, _had_ been worse, and he had fortunately not been around to see you struggling to recover from most of the damage. “Still a little red,” you venture, your voice even. “But it’s gotten better. Give it another week or so and it might be completely healed up by then.”

               You knew what you were doing. Your voice was still level and matter-of-fact, taunting him, reminding him of what he had done, throwing his guilt back in his face. He had no idea how you were still so bold after what he had done to you, but he would be lying if he didn’t say that he liked it, although that word didn’t seem adequate enough to describe what he was feeling. It made his insides shiver a little in anticipation, it _thrilled_ him, and this was a new emotion that he couldn’t quite describe to see you challenge him in this way. Even still, it wasn’t an emotion he could let show, and instead he chose to bury it under a thick layer of remorse.

               “But I bet that’s why it’s been a while, hasn’t it?” you continue. “Waited for the bruising to go down before coming back to give it another go?”

               This gets his attention immediately. Did you really think that he had come back to try to kill you again? Was that what you had been waiting for? He isn’t sure how to respond to this, and he struggles with himself for a moment before he manages a vague, stupid reply. “I’ve been away.”

               “Have you?” you ask, although it’s clear by your expression that you could really care less. Who _was_ this girl, this girl who could be so bold with him, after full well knowing just what it was that he could to do you? Either you were incredibly stupid, or not afraid of death, or perhaps both. Maybe you knew he wasn’t going to kill you, wasn’t going to hurt you again, but there was no way that you could know that when he didn’t even know that himself. “Do I at least get an apology for last time?” 

               He wasn’t sorry that he had done it, only sorry that he had hurt you and endangered the mission, at least, that’s what helped him get to sleep at night. He doesn’t want to say anything, but it’s obvious that you’re waiting for him to say it, hollow words or not, it’s clear you want him to debase himself by at least making an effort to apologize. If this was going to go any further, and it _had_ to go further, he had to say it. “I’m sorry,” he mutters, crossing his arms over his chest and stepping back, hating himself for having to do it. Your expression softens, just a bit, and he relaxes his arms slightly as he glances back at you. “I didn’t mean to take it that far. I got carried away. I only did it because I thought that I could get in if you were weak enough.”

               Your expression hardens again. “Well, as long as the ends justify the means,” you say dryly, and while he narrows his eyes at you, you glare right back at him. He’s considering giving up, just storming out and trying to figure out some other way to figure out what your party was up to, when you jut your chin out, giving him full exposure to your neck. “Should we just get to it then? I’m ready.”

               Were you seriously asking for him to hurt you again? He stares you down, not quite sure what to make of you. Were you trying to call his bluff? Did you know something that he didn’t know? For a moment, he almost thought that perhaps this was a test designed by the Supreme Leader in order to fool him somehow, but no, this was no test. This was real, this was genuine. You were literally waiting for him to choke you again, and he couldn’t help but be insulted. This is what you thought of him, and yes, he had brought it on himself, but if you really thought he was a mindless monster solely focused on your destruction, why would you invite it on yourself? What were you trying to prove?

               “What do you want?” he asks, the words leaving his lips almost of their own accord. You blink suddenly, as if you had no idea what he was talking about, and your shoulders relax somewhat as you continue to stare him down.

               “What do I want?” you echo. “You’re the one who came here. You’re the one who wants answers from me.”

               He shakes his head and glances down at the floor as he drags a hand through his hair in an exasperated manner. What was he doing? Why had he come here? He knew why; he had to continue his mission of trying to get into your mind, trying to discover what secrets you may be hiding from him. Perhaps the shield didn’t just prevent him from getting in; perhaps you had found out something that you shouldn’t and someone had somehow placed a shield around your thoughts, to prevent you from remembering a truth that may put you in danger. But if that was the case, who was powerful enough to do something like that? Was it Luke? Something told him that no, it wasn’t, but he could no longer be sure of himself to say for sure.

               But he had to find out something, and without thinking, he comes at you suddenly, taking two quick strides to close the distance between you. You don’t even blink as he stops directly in front of you, your face as impassive as ever as you regard him coolly. He had expected you to take a step back, to hold up your hands in defense or to even try to push him away, but no, you hadn’t moved so much as an inch, your breath hadn’t hitched in your throat, and it seemed, for all intents and purposes, that you were completely and totally unaffected by his sudden approach.

               “You’re really not afraid,” he murmurs as he looks down at you, although he’s not quite sure whether or not he should be concerned or impressed. Everyone was afraid of him, afraid of what he could do, and you had experienced his power firsthand and still refused to back down. But what could that mean? Did it even mean anything? He couldn’t be sure.

               “No,” you reply, keeping your voice clear and strong, and he decides to test you further. He reaches up a hand and touches your cheek gingerly with the fingertips of his gloves, but you don’t pull away. Slowly, he lets them trail down your cheek, travel down to the bruises on your neck. Instead of pulling away, you just lift up your chin to give him better access, and he decides to push you further. He runs his fingers down your neck, down your chest, over the swell of your breast, and he’s almost disappointed to see you refusing to react to him as he drops his hand back down to his side again. No, you kept your eyes locked on his, and it was clear now that you were adamantly willing yourself not to flinch or pull away, refusing not to let yourself be weak in his presence.

               There was something admirable about that, something he _liked_ , and as his dark eyes drilled into your own, he could sense something that he couldn’t altogether explain. Something was stirring, not just in him but between you, as if there was a tangible current that was starting to charge the narrow space that separated his body from yours. He didn’t know where this pull had come from, but he was at least slightly relieved that he wasn’t the only one being so visibly affected.

               “Are you trying to read my mind right now?” you ask, your voice surprisingly low, as if your breath had somehow gotten caught in your throat while you were trying to speak. His face was so close to yours now, and he could sense that, whatever was happening, you felt it too. You didn’t just feel it; you wanted it. Your shoulders leaned forward slightly, leaned your body closer to his, and it was almost all he could do to keep the distance between you.

               “I can,” he replies quietly, although he’s not quite sure if that’s what this is. He had never experienced anything quite like this before, but this had to be what this was. Maybe he wasn’t reading your mind, exactly, but he was reading your emotions, he was reading what you wanted, or maybe he could just recognize these emotions emanating from you because he was returning them as well. He wasn’t sure if you were doing this intentionally, but he decided to test it, just to be safe. “But only because you’re dropping your guard.”

               Your lower lip twitches and you can’t conceal the look of surprise that flashes over your features. That confirmed it, then. You didn’t know that you were doing this, didn’t know that you were broadcasting your emotions, if this was indeed what this was. The only other possibility was that _he_ was the one broadcasting, and you were responding to it, but that was impossible. He would never allow himself to become so affected by anyone, and yet…

               “Have at it then,” you whisper, and he could feel something stir unpleasantly within him as his fingers twitched at his side. He wanted to take you, roughly, wanted to capture your bottom lip between both of his and hear your surprised gasp in his ear as his lips trailed down to your neck…

               No, he couldn’t think these thoughts, and he pulls away slightly, almost debating leaving right there. If he stayed for more than four more seconds, he wasn’t going to be able to help himself much longer. Tempering himself had never been one of his strong suits, and he was not going to be able to hold out much longer, especially if you kept looking at him like that, almost as if you were urging him on.

               “If this is so important to you, then have it,” you continue. “I have nothing to hide.”

               That was it. He couldn’t help himself. From that moment on, he didn’t care about the objective. He didn’t care about Snoke or what he wanted. Ren wanted something, something that he could only get from you, and you were willing to give it to him. Right now, in this moment, that was all that mattered. “You’re still too tense,” he whispers. He places his hands on your bare shoulders as he runs his fingertips down your arms, pleased to watch you shiver slightly, more than just slightly affected by the action. You lean in even closer to him now, whether you realize you’re doing it or not, you want him just as badly as he wants you. “You need a distraction.”

               You should have told him to leave. You should have taken a step back and reminded him that he had almost killed you, that he would never be able to earn your trust or your forgiveness, that you would never be able to see him as anything more than what he clearly was: a murderer and a killer. But somehow, at least in the moment, you seemed to look past that, and he wasn’t sure how, and he wasn’t sure why, but right now, he didn’t care. You both wanted one thing, and beyond that, everything else ceased to matter.

               “Distract me then.”        

               Permission granted, his lips are on yours within a second, and you wrap your arms around his neck, hands fisting in his hair as you pull him closer to you. He’s almost surprised to see how aggressive you are, attacking his lips with the same fervent intensity as he is. He expected you to be shy, perhaps nervous, but you seemed to be spurned on by the same excited energy that was captivating him as well. Your hand reaches up to his cheek as you kiss him, your soft, warm hands caressing the flesh that so very few were able to see, and for a moment he could feel himself going under, getting lost in a swirl of unfamiliar emotions and a raw, desperate sense of need that he had scarcely experienced before.

               Desperate for more, he holds you tightly to him in both hands, running them over your soft skin as if he’s trying to memorize every curve of your body. He wants you, and it’s obvious and it’s confusing but you don’t seem to care. You don’t seem to realize how much of a struggle it was for him to let go like this, to indulge in this sort of carnal pleasure that he himself frowned upon. It would only serve to distract from his overall mission, and yet he could hardly bring himself to care as he found himself getting pulled deeper and deeper into the sea of his own needs, something that he had closed himself off from for so long.

               Suddenly you gently nip at his lower lip with your teeth and he can’t help but let out a sharp exhale, surprised once again by your boldness. He had wanted to be rough with you, but he didn’t think that you would dare be rough with him in return. As if sensing his thoughts, you let a soft growl escape from the back of your throat as you urged him to continue, but suddenly he was too stunned to respond.

               This didn’t make sense. There was no reason for you to want him. There wasn’t even any reason for him to want you, not really. You were pretty enough, sure, but that didn’t mean anything, not really. He couldn’t honestly explain why he was so attracted to you, or why he couldn’t get you out of his mind. He was intrigued by you, there was no denying that. He was impressed by your boldness and your seeming disregard for the danger you knew he could easily cause you. It almost, and he could hardly bring himself to even think this, but it _almost_ seemed as though you trusted him, although he couldn’t understand why. He had not proven himself trustworthy, or done anything to make you think that you could, in fact, trust him, but he couldn’t deny that he felt a certain sense of, well, affinity towards you too. There was some connection between you, but he didn’t know where it was coming from or what it meant, but suddenly he almost wondered if it was completely unrelated to what was going on here.

               He stopped, his hands firmly planted on your waist, as some new emotion grips him, something that felt very much like fear. He _was_ sensing some sort of connection developing between you, but there was an undercurrent to it as well, as if it had existed this whole time and it was only now beginning to reveal itself. He had seen the way you were looking at him when Hux was first making the introductions; he had been able to sense it too. There was something there, something strangely familiar about you, and while he had at first thought he sensed your own latent Force abilities, he could no longer be sure of what this was or what it meant.

               Who _were_ you? What did you _want_ with him? Did you even know what this was, or were you just as victim to it as he was? If you were, that only meant that he was dealing with something beyond his control, and that was something that he resented. He didn’t want to surrender himself to the Force; he wanted to _control_ the Force, to make it bend to his will the way his grandfather had done when he chose to surrender himself to the dark side of the Force in order to achieve ultimate power. But he could not fight what he couldn’t see, nor could he try to find a way to counter something that he could not understand.              

               You must be able to sense him pulling away, as your kisses become softer, brushing your lips against his. He can sense your hurt, your disappointment, at this perceived rejection, but there’s nothing he can do about that now. Maybe you didn’t sense this. Maybe you only sensed the _want_ , but maybe you failed to sense what was underneath it. He wanted you, he wanted you desperately, but he couldn’t allow himself to just now. His thoughts were becoming too loud and he was confused and he didn’t understand what this was or where it was coming from or what it meant and there were so many questions, but answers? Where were the answers? And what would he have to do to get them?

               He wouldn’t find any here, he knew that much. Behind your eyes was only enigmas and puzzles, and right now he was in no mood to solve any of them. Before you have time to speak, before you can try to convince him to stay, he turns around and grabs his helmet from the floor, summoning it to his hand before he walks out the door without another glance back, not even bothering to make sure the door shut behind him. He walks quickly back to his room, thankful that his mask concealed his expression from anyone passing his way.

               Only once he’s safely back inside his room does he feel comfortable enough to pull his helmet off again and drop it to the floor as he leans back against the wall, breathing heavily. What was going on? What was happening to him? He was sweating, it was practically dripping off of him in fine rivulets from his hairline, and he could feel his cock throbbing against the thick armor he was usually so thankful for. He quickly pulls down his pants and puts one large hand around his stiff length, but doesn’t do anything more than that. He just closes his eyes and leans his head back against the wall as he tries to get his breathing back under control and contemplate what had just transpired.

               He felt something, and these went beyond simple emotions, and he was going to have to admit to them if he wanted to get answers. He was attracted to you. He hated to say it, but he _had_ to say it, had to admit it to himself if he wanted to get to the bottom of this. He liked you. Maybe. He wasn’t sure, couldn’t be sure, when he didn’t know what you wanted. He knew what he wanted. Right now, he wanted your lips around his cock, and his hips gave an involuntary jerk forward as his grip on his length tightened somewhat.

               No, no, he couldn’t do this. Getting into your mind had originally seemed like such a simple mission, but now this whole thing was so convoluted, he could barely tell left from right. He knew he wanted you. He knew how dangerous that was. If Snoke knew how affected he truly was by you, he didn’t know what consequences he could invoke, for either of you. And yet, he almost didn’t think he would be able to help himself. He wanted to feel you against him more than he almost wanted anything in his life, and it seemed that you wanted him just as much.

               Maybe he didn’t have to make a decision. Maybe, if he was lucky, the answers would reveal themselves as he went along. He couldn’t avoid you, he knew that much. Snoke wanted answers almost as much as he did, and avoiding you would only raise his suspicions that there was something wrong. No, if he seemed in control of this, if he tried to stay above it and tried not to let himself get affected, maybe he could have both you and the answers he so desperately needed. Being able to control himself would be a challenge, especially around you, but it was one that he was ready to tackle.

               He could do of it.

               He was sure of it.

               At least, until the next night. He had been plagued by thoughts of you all that night and into the following day, and he almost couldn’t wait long enough to arrive at your door. The second that door opened, he had his hands around your face as he kissed you, pushing you back into the opposite wall as your lips met his own with equal fervor. He wanted to say it felt wrong, but it didn’t. It felt right, in almost every way he could describe, and so he resigned himself to this, and to you. Whatever was going on, he hoped it would reveal itself in time. Otherwise, he could wait. Kylo Ren was not a patient person, but if it meant he could spend his nights with his lips against yours while you frantically panted his name in his ear, then he could learn to be at least a little patient.

               He could do it.

               He was sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little late getting out!! I'm sick in bed with a 103 fever and I lost track of the days. The next chapter should definitely be up next Friday, as scheduled. Merry Forcemas everyone!! ^_^ Next chapter is a chapter that I really should have probably included in the original trilogy, as it features Kylo Ren, Reader, General Hux, Captain Phasma, Taro, Ladson, Sadie...so, pretty much everyone!! xD


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Flare in the Dark  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel to chapter 18, when Kylo Ren discovers your staff  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader, General Hux, Captain Phasma, Taro, Ladson, Sadie

               He absolutely hated this.

               He absolutely hated how he had to get up in the morning, and a flash of anger struck him when he remembered how his mother used to send in that ridiculous golden protocol droid to get him up in the morning when she was running late for one of her many meetings with the Senate. At least before he could say he was waking up with the intention of seeing you that night, comforted by thoughts of holding you in his arms while he slowly ran his hands along your warm, soft skin, but now you were here, in his arms, pressed up against him as you slept with one leg trapped between both of his.        

               Despite everything that you had been through in the past few days, that hadn’t changed. He almost would have thought that you would resent him for leaving you locked in the isolation of your room from B’s punishment, but he was silently relieved that you didn’t seem to hold that against him. No, too much else had happened for you to hold him accountable for that tragic affair too. You had probably watched one of your mentors die in that stuffy white cell, and he could tell from your recent thoughts that you were still in shock over everything that had happened and you hadn’t had time to process each event clearly, at least, not yet.

               He was worried about you, or at least, he told himself he was. Normal people would be worried about the people they cared about, but he couldn’t honestly tell if he was truly worried about you or he just thought that he _should_ feel that way. He knew he didn’t like to see you upset, but he wasn’t sure whether that was because he could feel your emotions or because that was how he genuinely felt. It was becoming harder and harder to tell the difference between what he felt from within himself and what he felt through the bond that was quickly establishing itself between you, but he didn’t feel a need to fight it. He didn’t. He was strong enough to control anything, even you, and he never felt threatened by the thought of the reverse coming to pass.

               That first morning away, he had reluctantly eased himself out of your arms, upper lip quirking upwards into an involuntary smile as he watched you stir without his constant warmth there to comfort you, moving into the spot of residual warmth his large frame had left on the mattress as you rolled onto your stomach and wrapped both arms around his pillow, burying the side of your face into the thin fabric. He bent down slowly and kissed your forehead, brushing your hair back with one hand before he stood up to his full height and began to dress slowly.

               What was the point of even going out? All that he wanted was right there behind him, but in truth, there were a few issues that he had to take care of. He didn’t want to go, and he could have easily said he was spending the morning interrogating you, but he just knew that Hux was already suspicious enough as it was, and he didn’t need to add any fuel to that fire. He wasn’t sure how much Supreme Leader Snoke knew of his affairs, but Hux was nosy, and what was worse, Hux would gossip. He didn’t know who he would say anything to, exactly, but Ren wanted to make sure his relationship with you was as private as possible, lest others see it as a weakness, using you to get to him.

               Hux could, and given the opportunity, Hux _would_ , he had no doubts about that. Hux had been absolutely insufferable from the beginning once he had caught on, and insisting on keeping you in his private quarters instead of one of the cells was already probably more than Hux could stand, not that he would ever admit it to his face. No, he was the one person that Ren could not fool regarding his feelings towards you, and he despised the fact that he had given Hux this power over him without consciously realizing he was doing so.

               Slowly slipping away behind his helmet, he refused to go back in and look at you once more, afraid that he might decide that he simply couldn’t leave your side. Instead, he walked through the narrow halls with his eyes trained front and center, black, polished boots clicking against the scrubbed tiles of the base’s hard floors before he finally arrived at the command center, which was as impeccably polished as Hux himself tried to appear. Ren spotted him from across the room, standing at parade rest while staring through the clear crystalline windows, eyes trained on a distant star.

               As he approached, Hux must have caught his reflection in the glass, as he greets him without turning around. “Ah, Ren, so good of you to grace us with your presence this morning.”

               Ren grits his teeth once, but otherwise says nothing. Those morning meetings had simply been a formality, a show put on for the Tortutaru and the interpreters alike in order to try to figure out what they were up to. It was Hux who truly liked to listen to himself talk, about anything, and Ren could only imagine that he insisted on mandating those meetings just so that he could continue to have a reason for a captive audience. “Considering how proud you must be that the Tortutaru’s plans were finally revealed, I doubted there would have been any space for me in the room,” he ventures at last, and Hux’s expression sours considerably. If Ren hadn’t been there, Hux would have been played for a fool, and this was not something that Ren was going to let him forget so easily.

               “If I find out that you had been sitting on that information for longer than necessary just to spend more time with that wretched girl,” Hux warns, but his voice cuts off as his eyes catch something, some imperceptible movement on Ren’s part. Hux glances down and to the side before glancing back up, a smirk pulling at the corners of his thin lips. “Ah, and how _is_ she getting along?”

               “She is no longer your concern,” Ren replies promptly, simply, letting the voice distortion of his mask provide all the intimidation that he needed. Even so, Hux seems completely unaffected.

               “I should say she’s not,” Hux continues as he turns back to stare through the tall windows again. “I’ve sent Captain Phasma to dispose of their effects. I don’t think they’ll be needing them anymore.” He pauses for a moment as he turns back to Ren. “Although, you must indulge me. How _did_ she react when you told her that you killed her teacher? Was she so eager to fuck you even then, or did you have to use the Force to subdue her?”

               He can’t help himself. Hux’s face contorts as he suddenly finds it impossible to push air in and out of his lungs, and he moves one hand to his throat as if he was merely adjusting his collar, trying to make it seem as if no one in the room was about to see him being choked to death. Still, his pale face was getting redder by the second, and Ren waited one more long moment before he decided to let him go. It was a dangerous game he was playing, but he couldn’t help himself, which was exactly why Hux had said what he did, to see what sort of reaction he could elicit, and Ren had allowed himself to lose control.

               That would not do well for him in the future. She was leverage now, and what was worse, Hux knew it.

               “As the Supreme Leader directed, the girl is under _my_ charge and you would do well to remember that she is _none_ of your concern,” Ren snaps, lifting his chin slightly to draw himself up to full height.

               “Careful, Ren,” Hux sniffs as he adjusts his collar, squaring his shoulders to seem just as tall. “That your personal interests not interfere with our _true_ orders from Supreme Leader Snoke.” Ren glowers at him, but Hux glowers right back, and time seems to freeze around them as they stare each other down, each daring the other to blink first. Fortunately or unfortunately, neither reveals themselves weaker as their silent competition is interrupted. “Captain Phasma,” Hux says without turning to look at her, his eyes still fixed on the slit in Ren’s mask. “What have you to report?”

               “The rooms have all been cleared, sir,” Phasma responds promptly, glancing between him and Ren as if she knew exactly what this was about.

               “Good,” Hux says, finally pulling his eyes away with the implicit excuse of addressing Phasma. “Any contraband?”

               “None,” Phasma replies, and while Hux just nods his head in approval, Ren can sense something else, whether through her tone or through a shift in her energy that he was only able to pick up on through the Force. She was hiding something, or not telling them something, which was extremely unlike her. Ren didn’t really need to think twice as to why. She had taken somewhat of a liking to you, he was able to sense that, although he wasn’t quite sure why. Maybe she saw something of herself in you, but he didn’t honestly know her well enough to say. He knew you, though, and he knew if Phasma had found something in your room that she didn’t want to tell Hux about, that it was definitely worth investigating.    

               Interest piqued, he leaves the command center without another glance back, not that Hux would truly question him any further today. While his outburst would probably lose him a great deal in the future, it at least afforded him some privacy today as he headed back to his chambers, where he knew you were no doubt awake. He knew you were up, he could sense your thoughts as he approached, and while he couldn’t get a fix as to just _what_ you were thinking, he could feel them, tempered excitement with a hint of nostalgia. Still, he could sense your mood shift slightly, and then become outright alarm when he walked through the door. For a moment, he almost dared to believe that it was because of him, that you truly feared him this much, before he remembered that Phasma had given you something she didn’t want anyone else to know about.

               As he enters the entrance to the bedroom, he can see you standing there, breathing heavily, one hand firmly grasping the hem of your shirt while the other was balled into a tight fist at your side. As he walks towards you, you seem to relax slightly as he stops and removes his helmet, letting you see his face, letting you know that you had nothing to fear from him. If Hux truly was set on coming after you, he was going to have to earn your trust quickly, and he wasn’t so sure that he had it yet, not after everything that had happened. “What’s wrong?”

               “Nothing’s wrong,” is the immediate reply, and Ren can’t help but frown. He was trying, wasn’t he? He was fucking trying, playing nice, coming in, removing his helmet and _asking_ what was wrong, when he could so very easily take the information he wanted for himself. He didn’t need to be nice to you, but he wanted to be, and that was seemingly something in itself.

               He can tell by your awkward gait that you’re hiding something on your person, and it’s clear you’re not going to tell him what it is. Instead, he takes a step forward to kiss you, his gloved fingers of one hand resting against your cheek to keep you distracted while his other hand quickly wraps around your waist to grab the narrow object hidden at the small of your back, concealed just under your shirt.

               With his Force reflexes, he quickly breaks the kiss and pulls away, turning around so that he could see what it was for himself. He can feel you stupidly trying to lunge over one shoulder and pull it out of his reach, and without thinking, he immediately uses the Force to hold you in place. He regretted it immediately as he had done it, but it wasn’t his fault that you were hiding things from him. If he wanted to protect you, which he did, you couldn’t hide anything from him, and the more you tried to, the less he would be able to keep you safe.

               “What’s this?” he asks, still trying to keep good humor in his voice for your sake. In truth, he was more curious than annoyed, mostly because he had never known Phasma to keep _anything_ from Hux. It didn’t take him long to realize that it was one of the staffs from the training room, although, in truth, it was far more mundane a surprise than he had almost expected it to be. Still, he could appreciate why she wouldn’t want to tell Hux that she had given you a weapon, or him, for that matter. He had choked you weeks ago, and while you had forgiven him for it, somehow it still seemed like Phasma hadn’t moved on from that yet.

               As he thinks, he absent-mindedly spins the staff around in one hand like he used to do when Luke was teaching him how to use his lightsaber when he was just a young padawan. In truth, he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it until he can feel your energy shift from frightened to curious as he spins it through the air, switching it from hand to hand before he brings it back around to his side.

               “A weapon?” he asks, as if scandalized. “Where did you get this?”

               _It’s an easy question, just give me an easy answer. Please, just tell me the truth._

“Nowhere.”

               Ren’s face falls. He can’t help himself. He wanted to keep you so badly, but he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. He thought you were starting to come around yesterday, but if you were set to hide everything from him, then there was no way he was going to be able to protect you when you wouldn’t trust him.

               “It was a present,” you admit at length, and Ren’s features soften slightly.

               “A present?” he echoes, silently hoping that this time he would actually get an answer to his question. He already knew the answer; he just wanted to know that you wouldn’t lie to him, wouldn’t keep anything from him. “From who?”

               You hesitate for a brief moment, as if mentally making a list of the pros and the cons to an honest answer, before you decide to give one. “Captain Phasma,” you venture at length. “She gave it to me a while ago, after I started taking her self-defense classes. She just gave it back to me again today when she brought my things. She thought it might cheer me up.”

               He stares at you, almost surprised by the candor of your answer. Before you had been beyond reticent, and now you were suddenly not only honest, but forthcoming? What games were you trying to play with him? Did you not realize how high the stakes still were, that you were in very real danger and he was the only one who could help you? Not even Phasma would dare defy Hux if it meant saving your life, no, that was something that was reserved for him and him alone.

               “You can’t conceal anything from me,” he warns, trying to let you know just how dangerous a game this was without alarming you too much. If he told you Hux was specifically targeting you, he didn’t know how you might react. You might try to escape on your own, and he couldn’t allow that. Not only would you fail to escape, but you would lose your life in the process, and it suddenly became more than clear to him how much your absence might cost him. No, if he could not appeal to you by being nice, then there was only one way he could think of in order to make you understand that you needed to be honest with him.

               “I asked you a question and you refused to give me a straight answer,” he continues. “So now…” He allows his voice to trail off as he places his gloved palm against your temple, and he watches as you screw up your face and ball your hands up into fists at your sides, heaving your shoulders as you prepare for the worst. He hates to see you this way, he really does, but this seemed like the only way to make you understand that you could trust him. He had to be cruel to be kind, it seemed; if you would not respond to kindness, perhaps fear would elicit the truth from you, until you realized that he truly meant you no harm.

               He watches the scene unfold as Phasma comes in and hands you your staff without any real interest. While he was curious to see if Phasma had mentioned him at all to see how you would react to hearing his name while he wasn’t there, she didn’t, and there was nothing new to be learned from this encounter. Although, that wasn’t necessarily quite true. The staff brought up memories for you, happy memories, and along with them came a name, _Ladson_ , although he didn’t want to pry any deeper, not right now, not when he saw how much he was clearly hurting you.

               Quickly, he pulls his hand away, and it almost hurt him to hear your long, shaky sigh of relief. Without waiting to make sure it was okay, he pulls you into his arms as he presses his lips against yours, cradling the back of your head in one large hand as he tries to comfort you. “I won’t have to do that if you’re honest with me,” he says softly. “Do you understand?”

               “Yes,” you echo in his same soft tone as you glance away from him, and now it’s his turn to release a sigh of his own. You thought that he was a monster, someone that was intent on hurting you, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Granted, he had already given you plenty of reason to think that way, but couldn’t you see he was trying to put that behind him? He was trying not to _do_ that anymore, and he was determined to protect you the best way he knew how.

               “I don’t want you to be afraid of me,” he pushes, and you must sense something in his voice as you glance back up at him. There was something in your expression, as if a part of you really did believe that, and he can’t help but feel his expression soften as he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. He can feel you relax slightly underneath his large hands, as if his lesson was finally starting to sink in. “But I can’t protect you if you try to keep things from me.”

               “I’m sorry,” you offer, your voice placating before it hardens, at least somewhat. “I won’t disappoint you again.”

               “Good.” His tone is cool and clipped, hoping to put this matter behind you once and for all. He presses one more swift kiss against your lips before he hands your staff back to you and picks up his helmet.

               “Does this mean you’re allowing me to keep it?” you ask nervously as you turn it over between your palms, and he’s almost surprised by how smooth and fluid the motion comes off your hands.

               “It was a gift,” he replies with a careless shrug of his shoulders, still trying to drive home the point that this was _never_ about the staff. He honestly couldn’t care less if you had it; what was one staff going to do against the might of his lightsaber? “I trust her judgement.” He slips on his helmet before continuing. “It appears you are quite skilled with it. Keep training. I will return tonight.”

               He turns around quickly to leave, and he can feel a quick wave of disappointment flood through you as you realized he was going. It almost pleased him how much he liked that, how much you missed him when he left, but truly, it was the only real sign that he had that you cared for him in return. So much else had occupied your thoughts these past few days that you hadn’t taken the time to sort through how you felt about _him_ , but maybe that was a good thing. Maybe it would help to erase the burden of the terrible things he had done to you from your mind as you focused on the recent tragedies that had occurred.

               But you were going to have to work through them eventually, and although right now he wanted to spend more time with you, he could tell that you still needed time to work through everything that had happened. Like him, you required your time alone to allow yourself deep introspection with just you and your thoughts, and he was determined to give you that. He wanted to know you better, to understand just how your mind worked so that he would be able to understand you in turn, but there was more than one way to do that.

               After all, you had been the one to give him that name, and now he wanted to know what it meant. _Ladson._ There was a muted sense of happiness associated with the name, accompanied by an undercurrent of affection, and he needed to know why.

 ---

               He walked through the halls, each step set with purpose as he walked closer and closer to the lower parts of the base where the cells had been set, as an added measure to make it as difficult for prisoners to escape to the hangar as possible. As he grew closer, he could feel a steady hum in the back of his mind, the work of the Tortutaru’s active mind network. While they weren’t anywhere close to you now, he could sense that their connection to you was still quite powerful and he cursed himself for not being able to sense it sooner. The Tortutaru’s telepathic network was usually distinctive and easy to recognize to those who knew what they were looking for, but they had apparently gone to considerable lengths to make sure that he hadn’t been able to sense it in you. He hadn’t even known it was possible for them to shield your mind in such a way, but apparently they had, and he had been ignorant of it the entire time.

               His feet stop in front of the door to one of the cells, the one that belonged to Taro, specifically. Ren was a bit disappointed that it was more than clear that you had your own connection with Taro; disappointed, but not surprised. He waits for a moment until the Tortutaru picked up on his mental link, mentally translating his words into sentiment for Ren to understand them. _Don’t hurt her._

               It surprisingly takes serious mental effort to prevent Ren from replying back that he won’t. Instead, he suppresses his mental urge to reassure him as his mental fortitude hardens into something much more sinister.

_And you think you’re in any position to make demands?_

               For whatever reason, Taro ignores this callous reply. _Does she know I’m alive?_

               Ren pauses for a moment, as if considering his options. He could tell the truth. He could lie. Fortunately, the Tortutaru seemed to know surprisingly little about him, which meant that they weren’t able to get into his thoughts. No, they were safe behind his own Force shield, although now that he had opened up his connection with you, he wasn’t quite sure what information they might be able to glean. Fortunately, it appeared to be quite little, if anything.  

 _She knows what she needs to_ is his terse reply before he moves on. He wasn’t quite sure if replying in the affirmative might meant he would try to reach out to you, might ask you to help him escape, and that was simply out of the question. If he tried to escape, he would obviously make an attempt to take you with him, and Ren wasn’t quite sure if he would be able to deal with the fact that you _left_. Your presence had been an unwelcome intrusion that he had suddenly openly embraced, and to lose you now was a thought that he didn’t want to entertain.

               Which was exactly why he was _here_ , instead of peering through your own thoughts to find out what he wanted to know. There were two perspectives to every story, and if he wouldn’t look inside your mind, there was, fortunately, another person who’s thoughts he didn’t mind probing. He had already sought out as many memories of you from Sadie’s mind while he had had the opportunity, just enough to see what your life had been like before you had arrived on the Starkiller Base, although he couldn’t help but peek at what you had said about him behind closed doors.

               After what he had heard, he almost wasn’t sure he wanted to again.

               But this was different. The boy hadn’t known about him, at least, that’s what he assumed. Apparently, the girl had known of his secret relationship with you for quite some time, had known that he had choked and almost killed you, and yet had kept her mouth shut about it. It secretly pleased him that his mission to get close to you had gone unimpeded; surely if she had told anyone, they would have made it considerably difficult for him to see you again.

               Although, was that true? While he had been able to see that the girl hadn’t told anyone, he had to almost force himself to remember that they had _intended_ you to be bait for him, had intended for you to draw his attention, and if they had learned that you had almost died in the process, they might not have even interfered. The only reason they had tried to keep you from him is when they learned that your mental shield had collapsed, and they were afraid of the clandestine nature of your true mission possibly unintentionally being divulged. He could feel anger boiling through his blood now at just the thought of their deception, but in the back of his mind, he knew that it wasn’t just his anger. It was yours too; brilliant, self-righteous anger, and while it was justified, he had never seen you angry before, and if it was anything like his own, it was going to destroy you from the inside out.

               He didn’t know how to help, or why he even wanted to. He had no idea when he had suddenly gotten so attached to the thought of having you, of keeping you, and then, for some reason, those thoughts had shifted to caring for you of their own accord. He wasn’t even sure how to properly care for another human being; he could barely take care of himself, let alone even attempt to care for another, but fortunately for him, you seemed quite independent in your own right. You asked for nothing of him, and while a part of him was grateful for that, he couldn’t deny that he needed you. He didn’t want to admit that he did, but the distress that he felt when he thought about losing you wasn’t worth dwelling over; he would do whatever he had to in order to keep you, and that was that.

               Which led him to what he was supposed to be doing to begin with. He let his feet take him over to the door of Ladson’s cell as he swiped his hand to one side and opened it with the Force. Ladson himself looked to have been pacing, as he’s standing on a spot just off the center of the floor as Ren walks in. He doesn’t appear scared, although his forehead is creased and the corners of his mouth are turned down at the corners. Ren steps into the room and lets the door slide shut behind him, and for a moment, no one speaks. No one says anything.

               It’s Ladson who speaks first.

               “How is she?” His voice sounds concerned, but there’s something else in it too. He’s reserved, wary, as though he may not like the answer that he’s about to hear.

               “Alive,” Ren replies tersely, but the effect on Ladson is immediate as he visibly relaxes, closing his eyes as he sighs and lets his shoulders slump.

               “I suppose it would be asking too much to get to see her to confirm for myself?” Ladson asks as he glances back up at him, but Ren merely appraises him through the mask and says nothing. “Yeah, didn’t think so.”

               Ren tilts his head to the side, as if recognizing something in his tone. “You care for her.”

               “As a friend,” Ladson replies quickly, and the alarm is palpable on his face as he rightfully feared the implications of Ren’s jealousy. Regardless, Ren takes a step forward, but Ladson only seems to harden his resolve as he takes a step back, his hands clenching into fists at his sides as if he was prepared to fight. His expression seems to change somewhat as he surveys the situation. “Wait, does she know _I’m_ alive? Does she know that I’m in here?”

               A smile quirks at the corners of Ren’s lips; clearly, he had not expected your friend to be as smart as he was. “She knows enough,” he says simply. “She knows that there is no chance that she has to save you.”

               Ladson seems able to read between the lines as he straightens back up a bit, although he is still staying a safe distance away. “What do you want with me, then?” he asks as he crosses his arms over his chest. “Because when I tell you that I don’t know anything, I mean that I really don’t. You can use that mind trick to get into my head, but it’s not going to help you.”

               “Oh, I think you can,” Ren says as he takes another menacing step forward, and Ladson only has a brief moment to allow a look of realization to cross over his features before he’s pushed backwards into the wall by a surge of the Force. Ren holds out his hand as he bids the memories to come forward, but when they do, it’s not the one that he expects.

_“I’m worried about her.”_

_“Me too.”_

               Ren pauses for a moment as he lets the voices of Sadie and Ladson into his mind. Sadie was sitting cross-legged on her bed in the middle of the room while Ladson paced back and forth across the length of the room, his thumb and forefinger closed around the wrist as he paced with his arms folded behind him. This was a recent memory, and one that Ren suddenly found very, _very_ interesting.

 _“How can you be worried about her, you’re the one that got her into this to begin with,” Sadie snaps. “You were_ with _B when he found out she was with him. You could have lied, or, I don’t know, you could have thought of something.”_

_“I didn’t know what to do either,” Ladson replies quickly, although there is an unmistakable edge to his voice. “I was half-asleep. I just know I heard something and I went out into the living room, and B was there too, trying to figure out what was going on, just as I was.”_

_“But you knew-” Sadie counters, but Ladson just shakes his head._

_“I knew it was someone,” Ladson replies. “Look, she told me she had been with_ someone _, and I saw the marks on her neck, but I didn’t know anything. At least B didn’t find out who she was with, or I don’t know what he would have done to her.” He turns as he looks back at Sadie, who shifts uncomfortably as she looks away. “And you really mean it? You’re not just fucking with me?”_

_“No,” Sadie says, her voice wavering with emotion. “No, it’s him.”_

_“Fuck,” Ladson whispers under his breath as he kicks vacantly into the air in front of him. “Fuck, I still can’t believe it. I know she_ told _me that’s who it was, but how was I supposed to believe her, you know?” Sadie just nods her head forward, as if she doesn’t really want to say much more than that. “And you’re sure B doesn’t know?”_

_“I don’t think he does,” Sadie replies softly as she shakes her head from side to side, as if her thoughts were somewhere very far off. “I don’t think he does, but I can’t say for sure.”_

_“He has to know,” Ladson insists as he stops in front of the bed. “Why else would he want to make sure no one got to see her? Or talk to her?” He crosses and uncrosses his arms over his chest. “He has to know_ something.” _Sadie’s expression shifts as she stares into the corner of the room but says nothing. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. We have to get her out of here.”_

_“What?” Sadie asks as she looks up at him sharply. “What are you talking about?”_

_“We need to get her out of here,” Ladson repeats. “Look, I don’t know about you, but something is very wrong here. I honestly don’t know what it is, but something about this whole situation stinks. Don’t you feel it too?”_

_“I-” Sadie stops suddenly as she shakes her head from side to side, as if to clear her thoughts. “Okay, maybe something is going on, but what do you mean by get her out of here?”_

_“Off this base,” Ladson replies firmly. “If she and Ren really are, I don’t know,_ close _, it’s only going to be a matter of time until he realizes what B’s decided to do, and how do you think he’s going to react to that?”_

_“How do we know that he doesn’t already know?” Sadie asks as she looks up at him. “B might have already told them. We don’t know anything yet.”_

_“We know we have to go,” Ladson says simply as he comes around to sit on the side of her bed. “Look, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think Shayne is right. Something weird is going on with the Storm Troopers, and to be honest, I don’t want to stick around to figure out what it is, especially if Ren is involved. We need to grab her and head out on the first ship back home as soon as we can.”_

_“And how do you expect to do that?” Sadie asks as she narrows her eyes at him. Ladson’s gaze hardens as he pushes himself off the bed and begins to pace again, and Sadie quickly slides forward on the bed closer to him. “I agree, okay? I agree. We can’t stay here and it’s dangerous for her to stay too. It’s dangerous for all of us but you’re talking about escaping. Do you even know how to fly anything?”_

_“My father used to fly commercial transports,” Ladson replies as he shakes his head. “They’re not really the same as what the First Order probably has, but I’m a quick study.”_

_“It’s not just flying a ship I’m worried about,” Sadie continues. “There are guards everywhere. How are you so sure we can even get to the hangar?”_

_Ladson just lets out a sigh as he scratches the back of his head. “Do you want to stay here?” he asks. “Because it sounds like you want to stay, and believe me, if you do-”_

_“No,” Sadie exclaims quickly, her eyes going wide. “No, I don’t want to stay here and I don’t want her to stay here either. We all need to go as fast as possible.” She shakes her head. “I’m just trying to think of a feasible way to escape without getting us all killed. I wish we could talk to her. She’d know what to do.”_

_“Then what would she do?” Ladson asks as he spreads his hands at his sides, as if this was simply a matter of reaching the most favorable solution. “Last time we were stuck together, she reached out to Taro for help and Captain Phasma came. Do you think she might be able to help us? I think she favors her, and if she asks why she’s not coming to class anymore, we could maybe explain what’s going on, and then she could…what are you doing, why are you shaking your head like that?”_

_“Putting yourself in her position…” Sadie’s voice trails off for a moment before she tilts her chin to look up at him, her large brown eyes wide and concerned. “She wouldn’t go.”_

_“She’s basically a prisoner in her own room,” Ladson says dismissively as he shakes her head. “Why wouldn’t she go? There’s nothing for her here.” Sadie shifts uncomfortably, and Ladson can’t help but let out an incredulous laugh. “No way, Sadie, no way. It’s just sex, that’s_ got _to be all there is. You don’t think she’d actually develop_ feelings _for him?”_

_To her credit, Sadie doesn’t delay in her answer. “I think it’s a bit past that point,” she says quietly. “I think she might be in love with him.”_

_“No way,” Ladson says as he shakes his head from side to side. “No way, no way she would fall for someone like him. She’s too, I don’t know, grounded? She wouldn’t-”_

_“He almost killed her before,” Sadie says quietly, playing idly with one of the sleeves on her shirt. “But then she still got involved with him, even after that. I don’t know what she’s thinking, or what she might be trying to do, but she never told me anything, if she knows anything.”_

_“Knows anything?” Ladson says dismissively as he shakes his head. “No, I was there with her. I don’t think she knows anything more than the rest of us.” He starts pacing again, fortunately just missing the guilty look that flashes across Sadie’s features. “And besides, how do you know that she wants this? You said it yourself that he almost killed her. Maybe she’s too petrified of him to refuse him.”_

_“Does she seem petrified to you?” Sadie asks as she raises an eyebrow and looks up at him. Still, she doesn’t give him time to answer. “No, she doesn’t, because she’s not afraid of him. She_ really _likes him, Ladson, and I don’t think she’d come with us. If we offered her a way out, I think she’d stay.”_

_“But he hasn’t come for her yet?” Ladson ventures, and Sadie simply looks down as she shakes her head. “Maybe he doesn’t know, but I kind of doubt it. Maybe something went wrong and it’s over between them?”_

_“We have no way of knowing,” Sadie says as she shakes her head. “You saw the device B put on her door. She can’t get out, we can’t get in, and if we try to whisper through the door it’ll record our voices so he knows what we’ve said. He_ really _doesn’t want us having any contact with her, and it’s scary now. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t.”_

_Ladson just lets out a long, frustrated sigh. “Look, there’s something going on that we’re not being told,” he continues. “We’re in danger. We’re all in danger. As risky as it is, escaping may be the safest thing for all of us right now.” He pulls his hands into fists at his sides as he hardens his resolve. “Getting home is the safest thing, for her, and for all of us, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen, okay?”_

               Ren breaks the connection suddenly, not needing to see any more. The boy was sincere. He would help you and your friends escape, given the opportunity, which only meant that he had to make sure that he never had that opportunity. He was a threat that would have to be eliminated. Ladson is slumped back against the wall, holding his temples between both hands, as if trying to convince himself that his brain was still in one piece in his skull. The information that he had found was interesting, yes, and he’d have to dwell more on it later, but it suddenly struck him that he hadn’t yet gotten what he had originally come for.

               Without warning, Ladson flies backward into the wall again as Ren focuses and takes a quick look into his mind to see what he wanted. This would have to be much quicker, as Ladson was quickly losing consciousness from the unbearable amount of pain that he was going through, a fact which frustrated Ren more than he could adequately describe. The memories had already started to blur together, but in the back of Ladson’s mind, Ren could just make out him sparring with you, drinking out of a silver flask while sitting on your floor and commiserating about the affairs of the day, or sparring like children learning how to fight for the first time.

               He watches the amateur punches with locked arms and the off-balance kicks that were aimed too high and had so little balance behind them that it would be more comical to watch him slip and fall on his own than try to bring him down in his own right. Still, as the weeks progressed in your classes, it seemed that Ladson had come back almost each and every day to practice with you, and your forms were quickly improving. Ren wasn’t sure if he should be pleased by this; he didn’t feel at all concerned by your progress, but the boy was staunchly determined to take you away from him, and in that regard, he _could_ be considered a threat.

               Still, it was difficult to say. He watched one night in particular as you jumped up and imitated kicking him in the groin before he grabbed your foot, holding your ankle tightly in both hands as you hopped on one foot and struggled to maintain your balance without falling as you attempted to pull away.

_“You know, after three days of this, you’d think you would be able to block me by now,” you tease as you continue to try to wiggle out of his grasp._

_“Well, my hands are full,” Ladson huffs comically as he finally opens his hands and releases you. You hop on one foot again to retain your balance before you take a few steps back and signal for him to come towards you. He kicks at your chest with one long leg, but Ren is pleased to see you block his foot with the outside of your arm, pushing it out sideways to make him lose his balance. The motion works as intended, and Ladson leans over and has to grab the desk for support to keep from tipping over. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were getting good at this.”_

_“You are too,” you reply. “Pretty soon the First Order is going to be onto us. They’re going to get wind of our epic fighting ability and make us join their army.”_

_“Don’t even joke-” he replies, and it looks like he’s about to say more before_

               Ladson emits a sharp cry and Ren could feel his concentration wavering. As much as he wanted to see more of what you were like with your friends when he wasn’t around, the boy was going to pass out, or worse, and then he would never be able to afford another opportunity to look into his mind.

               He broke the connection. Ladson slumps to the floor and curls up in the fetal position, holding his arms over his head as if in surrender, or in a vain attempt to block out the bright, sterile light above him. Ren considered ending his life right then and there, but no, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t kill him. If he did, there was a chance that you would find out and you would never forgive him for it. Besides, you had given him a much better option without even realizing that you were doing it. The boy’s form was sloppy now, but he _did_ show potential, and the First Order was always looking to recruit new soldiers. No, there was a chance that he could become much, much more useful to him later on, and it was clear that Ladson was worth much more to him alive.

               Without saying anything more, Ren turned on his heel and headed back to his room. He had obtained a great deal of interesting information, but he needed both time and privacy to think, and with you suddenly occupying his room, it afforded him neither. Still, he couldn’t say that he truly minded all that much. Now that you were here, there were other things that you could provide him with, and Ren could say with a great deal of certainty that this was something that truly did please him. He didn’t have to worry about your safety with you held under guard in his quarters, nor did he have to worry about you escaping. With your friends locked up and under guard themselves, and with you ignorant of their whereabouts on base, it was doubtful that you would even entertain the notion of escape, and thus he deemed he was more or less safe from losing you.

               At least for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there was a weird glitch where this chapter said it was posted but still existed as a draft...I finally heard back from ao3 support and it looks like it's posted now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Flare in the Dark  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel to chapter 18, when Kylo Ren discovers your staff  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader, General Hux, Captain Phasma, Taro, Ladson, Sadie

               He absolutely hated this.

               He absolutely hated how he had to get up in the morning, and a flash of anger struck him when he remembered how his mother used to send in that ridiculous golden protocol droid to get him up in the morning when she was running late for one of her many meetings with the Senate. At least before he could say he was waking up with the intention of seeing you that night, comforted by thoughts of holding you in his arms while he slowly ran his hands along your warm, soft skin, but now you were here, in his arms, pressed up against him as you slept with one leg trapped between both of his.        

               Despite everything that you had been through in the past few days, that hadn’t changed. He almost would have thought that you would resent him for leaving you locked in the isolation of your room from B’s punishment, but he was silently relieved that you didn’t seem to hold that against him. No, too much else had happened for you to hold him accountable for that tragic affair too. You had probably watched one of your mentors die in that stuffy white cell, and he could tell from your recent thoughts that you were still in shock over everything that had happened and you hadn’t had time to process each event clearly, at least, not yet.

               He was worried about you, or at least, he told himself he was. Normal people would be worried about the people they cared about, but he couldn’t honestly tell if he was truly worried about you or he just thought that he _should_ feel that way. He knew he didn’t like to see you upset, but he wasn’t sure whether that was because he could feel your emotions or because that was how he genuinely felt. It was becoming harder and harder to tell the difference between what he felt from within himself and what he felt through the bond that was quickly establishing itself between you, but he didn’t feel a need to fight it. He didn’t. He was strong enough to control anything, even you, and he never felt threatened by the thought of the reverse coming to pass.

               That first morning away, he had reluctantly eased himself out of your arms, upper lip quirking upwards into an involuntary smile as he watched you stir without his constant warmth there to comfort you, moving into the spot of residual warmth his large frame had left on the mattress as you rolled onto your stomach and wrapped both arms around his pillow, burying the side of your face into the thin fabric. He bent down slowly and kissed your forehead, brushing your hair back with one hand before he stood up to his full height and began to dress slowly.

               What was the point of even going out? All that he wanted was right there behind him, but in truth, there were a few issues that he had to take care of. He didn’t want to go, and he could have easily said he was spending the morning interrogating you, but he just knew that Hux was already suspicious enough as it was, and he didn’t need to add any fuel to that fire. He wasn’t sure how much Supreme Leader Snoke knew of his affairs, but Hux was nosy, and what was worse, Hux would gossip. He didn’t know who he would say anything to, exactly, but Ren wanted to make sure his relationship with you was as private as possible, lest others see it as a weakness, using you to get to him.

               Hux could, and given the opportunity, Hux _would_ , he had no doubts about that. Hux had been absolutely insufferable from the beginning once he had caught on, and insisting on keeping you in his private quarters instead of one of the cells was already probably more than Hux could stand, not that he would ever admit it to his face. No, he was the one person that Ren could not fool regarding his feelings towards you, and he despised the fact that he had given Hux this power over him without consciously realizing he was doing so.

               Slowly slipping away behind his helmet, he refused to go back in and look at you once more, afraid that he might decide that he simply couldn’t leave your side. Instead, he walked through the narrow halls with his eyes trained front and center, black, polished boots clicking against the scrubbed tiles of the base’s hard floors before he finally arrived at the command center, which was as impeccably polished as Hux himself tried to appear. Ren spotted him from across the room, standing at parade rest while staring through the clear crystalline windows, eyes trained on a distant star.

               As he approached, Hux must have caught his reflection in the glass, as he greets him without turning around. “Ah, Ren, so good of you to grace us with your presence this morning.”

               Ren grits his teeth once, but otherwise says nothing. Those morning meetings had simply been a formality, a show put on for the Tortutaru and the interpreters alike in order to try to figure out what they were up to. It was Hux who truly liked to listen to himself talk, about anything, and Ren could only imagine that he insisted on mandating those meetings just so that he could continue to have a reason for a captive audience. “Considering how proud you must be that the Tortutaru’s plans were finally revealed, I doubted there would have been any space for me in the room,” he ventures at last, and Hux’s expression sours considerably. If Ren hadn’t been there, Hux would have been played for a fool, and this was not something that Ren was going to let him forget so easily.

               “If I find out that you had been sitting on that information for longer than necessary just to spend more time with that wretched girl,” Hux warns, but his voice cuts off as his eyes catch something, some imperceptible movement on Ren’s part. Hux glances down and to the side before glancing back up, a smirk pulling at the corners of his thin lips. “Ah, and how _is_ she getting along?”

               “She is no longer your concern,” Ren replies promptly, simply, letting the voice distortion of his mask provide all the intimidation that he needed. Even so, Hux seems completely unaffected.

               “I should say she’s not,” Hux continues as he turns back to stare through the tall windows again. “I’ve sent Captain Phasma to dispose of their effects. I don’t think they’ll be needing them anymore.” He pauses for a moment as he turns back to Ren. “Although, you must indulge me. How _did_ she react when you told her that you killed her teacher? Was she so eager to fuck you even then, or did you have to use the Force to subdue her?”

               He can’t help himself. Hux’s face contorts as he suddenly finds it impossible to push air in and out of his lungs, and he moves one hand to his throat as if he was merely adjusting his collar, trying to make it seem as if no one in the room was about to see him being choked to death. Still, his pale face was getting redder by the second, and Ren waited one more long moment before he decided to let him go. It was a dangerous game he was playing, but he couldn’t help himself, which was exactly why Hux had said what he did, to see what sort of reaction he could elicit, and Ren had allowed himself to lose control.

               That would not do well for him in the future. She was leverage now, and what was worse, Hux knew it.

               “As the Supreme Leader directed, the girl is under _my_ charge and you would do well to remember that she is _none_ of your concern,” Ren snaps, lifting his chin slightly to draw himself up to full height.

               “Careful, Ren,” Hux sniffs as he adjusts his collar, squaring his shoulders to seem just as tall. “That your personal interests not interfere with our _true_ orders from Supreme Leader Snoke.” Ren glowers at him, but Hux glowers right back, and time seems to freeze around them as they stare each other down, each daring the other to blink first. Fortunately or unfortunately, neither reveals themselves weaker as their silent competition is interrupted. “Captain Phasma,” Hux says without turning to look at her, his eyes still fixed on the slit in Ren’s mask. “What have you to report?”

               “The rooms have all been cleared, sir,” Phasma responds promptly, glancing between him and Ren as if she knew exactly what this was about.

               “Good,” Hux says, finally pulling his eyes away with the implicit excuse of addressing Phasma. “Any contraband?”

               “None,” Phasma replies, and while Hux just nods his head in approval, Ren can sense something else, whether through her tone or through a shift in her energy that he was only able to pick up on through the Force. She was hiding something, or not telling them something, which was extremely unlike her. Ren didn’t really need to think twice as to why. She had taken somewhat of a liking to you, he was able to sense that, although he wasn’t quite sure why. Maybe she saw something of herself in you, but he didn’t honestly know her well enough to say. He knew you, though, and he knew if Phasma had found something in your room that she didn’t want to tell Hux about, that it was definitely worth investigating.    

               Interest piqued, he leaves the command center without another glance back, not that Hux would truly question him any further today. While his outburst would probably lose him a great deal in the future, it at least afforded him some privacy today as he headed back to his chambers, where he knew you were no doubt awake. He knew you were up, he could sense your thoughts as he approached, and while he couldn’t get a fix as to just _what_ you were thinking, he could feel them, tempered excitement with a hint of nostalgia. Still, he could sense your mood shift slightly, and then become outright alarm when he walked through the door. For a moment, he almost dared to believe that it was because of him, that you truly feared him this much, before he remembered that Phasma had given you something she didn’t want anyone else to know about.

               As he enters the entrance to the bedroom, he can see you standing there, breathing heavily, one hand firmly grasping the hem of your shirt while the other was balled into a tight fist at your side. As he walks towards you, you seem to relax slightly as he stops and removes his helmet, letting you see his face, letting you know that you had nothing to fear from him. If Hux truly was set on coming after you, he was going to have to earn your trust quickly, and he wasn’t so sure that he had it yet, not after everything that had happened. “What’s wrong?”

               “Nothing’s wrong,” is the immediate reply, and Ren can’t help but frown. He was trying, wasn’t he? He was fucking trying, playing nice, coming in, removing his helmet and _asking_ what was wrong, when he could so very easily take the information he wanted for himself. He didn’t need to be nice to you, but he wanted to be, and that was seemingly something in itself.

               He can tell by your awkward gait that you’re hiding something on your person, and it’s clear you’re not going to tell him what it is. Instead, he takes a step forward to kiss you, his gloved fingers of one hand resting against your cheek to keep you distracted while his other hand quickly wraps around your waist to grab the narrow object hidden at the small of your back, concealed just under your shirt.

               With his Force reflexes, he quickly breaks the kiss and pulls away, turning around so that he could see what it was for himself. He can feel you stupidly trying to lunge over one shoulder and pull it out of his reach, and without thinking, he immediately uses the Force to hold you in place. He regretted it immediately as he had done it, but it wasn’t his fault that you were hiding things from him. If he wanted to protect you, which he did, you couldn’t hide anything from him, and the more you tried to, the less he would be able to keep you safe.

               “What’s this?” he asks, still trying to keep good humor in his voice for your sake. In truth, he was more curious than annoyed, mostly because he had never known Phasma to keep _anything_ from Hux. It didn’t take him long to realize that it was one of the staffs from the training room, although, in truth, it was far more mundane a surprise than he had almost expected it to be. Still, he could appreciate why she wouldn’t want to tell Hux that she had given you a weapon, or him, for that matter. He had choked you weeks ago, and while you had forgiven him for it, somehow it still seemed like Phasma hadn’t moved on from that yet.

               As he thinks, he absent-mindedly spins the staff around in one hand like he used to do when Luke was teaching him how to use his lightsaber when he was just a young padawan. In truth, he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it until he can feel your energy shift from frightened to curious as he spins it through the air, switching it from hand to hand before he brings it back around to his side.

               “A weapon?” he asks, as if scandalized. “Where did you get this?”

               _It’s an easy question, just give me an easy answer. Please, just tell me the truth._

“Nowhere.”

               Ren’s face falls. He can’t help himself. He wanted to keep you so badly, but he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. He thought you were starting to come around yesterday, but if you were set to hide everything from him, then there was no way he was going to be able to protect you when you wouldn’t trust him.

               “It was a present,” you admit at length, and Ren’s features soften slightly.

               “A present?” he echoes, silently hoping that this time he would actually get an answer to his question. He already knew the answer; he just wanted to know that you wouldn’t lie to him, wouldn’t keep anything from him. “From who?”

               You hesitate for a brief moment, as if mentally making a list of the pros and the cons to an honest answer, before you decide to give one. “Captain Phasma,” you venture at length. “She gave it to me a while ago, after I started taking her self-defense classes. She just gave it back to me again today when she brought my things. She thought it might cheer me up.”

               He stares at you, almost surprised by the candor of your answer. Before you had been beyond reticent, and now you were suddenly not only honest, but forthcoming? What games were you trying to play with him? Did you not realize how high the stakes still were, that you were in very real danger and he was the only one who could help you? Not even Phasma would dare defy Hux if it meant saving your life, no, that was something that was reserved for him and him alone.

               “You can’t conceal anything from me,” he warns, trying to let you know just how dangerous a game this was without alarming you too much. If he told you Hux was specifically targeting you, he didn’t know how you might react. You might try to escape on your own, and he couldn’t allow that. Not only would you fail to escape, but you would lose your life in the process, and it suddenly became more than clear to him how much your absence might cost him. No, if he could not appeal to you by being nice, then there was only one way he could think of in order to make you understand that you needed to be honest with him.

               “I asked you a question and you refused to give me a straight answer,” he continues. “So now…” He allows his voice to trail off as he places his gloved palm against your temple, and he watches as you screw up your face and ball your hands up into fists at your sides, heaving your shoulders as you prepare for the worst. He hates to see you this way, he really does, but this seemed like the only way to make you understand that you could trust him. He had to be cruel to be kind, it seemed; if you would not respond to kindness, perhaps fear would elicit the truth from you, until you realized that he truly meant you no harm.

               He watches the scene unfold as Phasma comes in and hands you your staff without any real interest. While he was curious to see if Phasma had mentioned him at all to see how you would react to hearing his name while he wasn’t there, she didn’t, and there was nothing new to be learned from this encounter. Although, that wasn’t necessarily quite true. The staff brought up memories for you, happy memories, and along with them came a name, _Ladson_ , although he didn’t want to pry any deeper, not right now, not when he saw how much he was clearly hurting you.

               Quickly, he pulls his hand away, and it almost hurt him to hear your long, shaky sigh of relief. Without waiting to make sure it was okay, he pulls you into his arms as he presses his lips against yours, cradling the back of your head in one large hand as he tries to comfort you. “I won’t have to do that if you’re honest with me,” he says softly. “Do you understand?”

               “Yes,” you echo in his same soft tone as you glance away from him, and now it’s his turn to release a sigh of his own. You thought that he was a monster, someone that was intent on hurting you, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Granted, he had already given you plenty of reason to think that way, but couldn’t you see he was trying to put that behind him? He was trying not to _do_ that anymore, and he was determined to protect you the best way he knew how.

               “I don’t want you to be afraid of me,” he pushes, and you must sense something in his voice as you glance back up at him. There was something in your expression, as if a part of you really did believe that, and he can’t help but feel his expression soften as he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. He can feel you relax slightly underneath his large hands, as if his lesson was finally starting to sink in. “But I can’t protect you if you try to keep things from me.”

               “I’m sorry,” you offer, your voice placating before it hardens, at least somewhat. “I won’t disappoint you again.”

               “Good.” His tone is cool and clipped, hoping to put this matter behind you once and for all. He presses one more swift kiss against your lips before he hands your staff back to you and picks up his helmet.

               “Does this mean you’re allowing me to keep it?” you ask nervously as you turn it over between your palms, and he’s almost surprised by how smooth and fluid the motion comes off your hands.

               “It was a gift,” he replies with a careless shrug of his shoulders, still trying to drive home the point that this was _never_ about the staff. He honestly couldn’t care less if you had it; what was one staff going to do against the might of his lightsaber? “I trust her judgement.” He slips on his helmet before continuing. “It appears you are quite skilled with it. Keep training. I will return tonight.”

               He turns around quickly to leave, and he can feel a quick wave of disappointment flood through you as you realized he was going. It almost pleased him how much he liked that, how much you missed him when he left, but truly, it was the only real sign that he had that you cared for him in return. So much else had occupied your thoughts these past few days that you hadn’t taken the time to sort through how you felt about _him_ , but maybe that was a good thing. Maybe it would help to erase the burden of the terrible things he had done to you from your mind as you focused on the recent tragedies that had occurred.

               But you were going to have to work through them eventually, and although right now he wanted to spend more time with you, he could tell that you still needed time to work through everything that had happened. Like him, you required your time alone to allow yourself deep introspection with just you and your thoughts, and he was determined to give you that. He wanted to know you better, to understand just how your mind worked so that he would be able to understand you in turn, but there was more than one way to do that.

               After all, you had been the one to give him that name, and now he wanted to know what it meant. _Ladson._ There was a muted sense of happiness associated with the name, accompanied by an undercurrent of affection, and he needed to know why.

 ---

               He walked through the halls, each step set with purpose as he walked closer and closer to the lower parts of the base where the cells had been set, as an added measure to make it as difficult for prisoners to escape to the hangar as possible. As he grew closer, he could feel a steady hum in the back of his mind, the work of the Tortutaru’s active mind network. While they weren’t anywhere close to you now, he could sense that their connection to you was still quite powerful and he cursed himself for not being able to sense it sooner. The Tortutaru’s telepathic network was usually distinctive and easy to recognize to those who knew what they were looking for, but they had apparently gone to considerable lengths to make sure that he hadn’t been able to sense it in you. He hadn’t even known it was possible for them to shield your mind in such a way, but apparently they had, and he had been ignorant of it the entire time.

               His feet stop in front of the door to one of the cells, the one that belonged to Taro, specifically. Ren was a bit disappointed that it was more than clear that you had your own connection with Taro; disappointed, but not surprised. He waits for a moment until the Tortutaru picked up on his mental link, mentally translating his words into sentiment for Ren to understand them. _Don’t hurt her._

               It surprisingly takes serious mental effort to prevent Ren from replying back that he won’t. Instead, he suppresses his mental urge to reassure him as his mental fortitude hardens into something much more sinister.

_And you think you’re in any position to make demands?_

               For whatever reason, Taro ignores this callous reply. _Does she know I’m alive?_

               Ren pauses for a moment, as if considering his options. He could tell the truth. He could lie. Fortunately, the Tortutaru seemed to know surprisingly little about him, which meant that they weren’t able to get into his thoughts. No, they were safe behind his own Force shield, although now that he had opened up his connection with you, he wasn’t quite sure what information they might be able to glean. Fortunately, it appeared to be quite little, if anything.  

 _She knows what she needs to_ is his terse reply before he moves on. He wasn’t quite sure if replying in the affirmative might meant he would try to reach out to you, might ask you to help him escape, and that was simply out of the question. If he tried to escape, he would obviously make an attempt to take you with him, and Ren wasn’t quite sure if he would be able to deal with the fact that you _left_. Your presence had been an unwelcome intrusion that he had suddenly openly embraced, and to lose you now was a thought that he didn’t want to entertain.

               Which was exactly why he was _here_ , instead of peering through your own thoughts to find out what he wanted to know. There were two perspectives to every story, and if he wouldn’t look inside your mind, there was, fortunately, another person who’s thoughts he didn’t mind probing. He had already sought out as many memories of you from Sadie’s mind while he had had the opportunity, just enough to see what your life had been like before you had arrived on the Starkiller Base, although he couldn’t help but peek at what you had said about him behind closed doors.

               After what he had heard, he almost wasn’t sure he wanted to again.

               But this was different. The boy hadn’t known about him, at least, that’s what he assumed. Apparently, the girl had known of his secret relationship with you for quite some time, had known that he had choked and almost killed you, and yet had kept her mouth shut about it. It secretly pleased him that his mission to get close to you had gone unimpeded; surely if she had told anyone, they would have made it considerably difficult for him to see you again.

               Although, was that true? While he had been able to see that the girl hadn’t told anyone, he had to almost force himself to remember that they had _intended_ you to be bait for him, had intended for you to draw his attention, and if they had learned that you had almost died in the process, they might not have even interfered. The only reason they had tried to keep you from him is when they learned that your mental shield had collapsed, and they were afraid of the clandestine nature of your true mission possibly unintentionally being divulged. He could feel anger boiling through his blood now at just the thought of their deception, but in the back of his mind, he knew that it wasn’t just his anger. It was yours too; brilliant, self-righteous anger, and while it was justified, he had never seen you angry before, and if it was anything like his own, it was going to destroy you from the inside out.

               He didn’t know how to help, or why he even wanted to. He had no idea when he had suddenly gotten so attached to the thought of having you, of keeping you, and then, for some reason, those thoughts had shifted to caring for you of their own accord. He wasn’t even sure how to properly care for another human being; he could barely take care of himself, let alone even attempt to care for another, but fortunately for him, you seemed quite independent in your own right. You asked for nothing of him, and while a part of him was grateful for that, he couldn’t deny that he needed you. He didn’t want to admit that he did, but the distress that he felt when he thought about losing you wasn’t worth dwelling over; he would do whatever he had to in order to keep you, and that was that.

               Which led him to what he was supposed to be doing to begin with. He let his feet take him over to the door of Ladson’s cell as he swiped his hand to one side and opened it with the Force. Ladson himself looked to have been pacing, as he’s standing on a spot just off the center of the floor as Ren walks in. He doesn’t appear scared, although his forehead is creased and the corners of his mouth are turned down at the corners. Ren steps into the room and lets the door slide shut behind him, and for a moment, no one speaks. No one says anything.

               It’s Ladson who speaks first.

               “How is she?” His voice sounds concerned, but there’s something else in it too. He’s reserved, wary, as though he may not like the answer that he’s about to hear.

               “Alive,” Ren replies tersely, but the effect on Ladson is immediate as he visibly relaxes, closing his eyes as he sighs and lets his shoulders slump.

               “I suppose it would be asking too much to get to see her to confirm for myself?” Ladson asks as he glances back up at him, but Ren merely appraises him through the mask and says nothing. “Yeah, didn’t think so.”

               Ren tilts his head to the side, as if recognizing something in his tone. “You care for her.”

               “As a friend,” Ladson replies quickly, and the alarm is palpable on his face as he rightfully feared the implications of Ren’s jealousy. Regardless, Ren takes a step forward, but Ladson only seems to harden his resolve as he takes a step back, his hands clenching into fists at his sides as if he was prepared to fight. His expression seems to change somewhat as he surveys the situation. “Wait, does she know _I’m_ alive? Does she know that I’m in here?”

               A smile quirks at the corners of Ren’s lips; clearly, he had not expected your friend to be as smart as he was. “She knows enough,” he says simply. “She knows that there is no chance that she has to save you.”

               Ladson seems able to read between the lines as he straightens back up a bit, although he is still staying a safe distance away. “What do you want with me, then?” he asks as he crosses his arms over his chest. “Because when I tell you that I don’t know anything, I mean that I really don’t. You can use that mind trick to get into my head, but it’s not going to help you.”

               “Oh, I think you can,” Ren says as he takes another menacing step forward, and Ladson only has a brief moment to allow a look of realization to cross over his features before he’s pushed backwards into the wall by a surge of the Force. Ren holds out his hand as he bids the memories to come forward, but when they do, it’s not the one that he expects.

_“I’m worried about her.”_

_“Me too.”_

               Ren pauses for a moment as he lets the voices of Sadie and Ladson into his mind. Sadie was sitting cross-legged on her bed in the middle of the room while Ladson paced back and forth across the length of the room, his thumb and forefinger closed around the wrist as he paced with his arms folded behind him. This was a recent memory, and one that Ren suddenly found very, _very_ interesting.

 _“How can you be worried about her, you’re the one that got her into this to begin with,” Sadie snaps. “You were_ with _B when he found out she was with him. You could have lied, or, I don’t know, you could have thought of something.”_

_“I didn’t know what to do either,” Ladson replies quickly, although there is an unmistakable edge to his voice. “I was half-asleep. I just know I heard something and I went out into the living room, and B was there too, trying to figure out what was going on, just as I was.”_

_“But you knew-” Sadie counters, but Ladson just shakes his head._

_“I knew it was someone,” Ladson replies. “Look, she told me she had been with_ someone _, and I saw the marks on her neck, but I didn’t know anything. At least B didn’t find out who she was with, or I don’t know what he would have done to her.” He turns as he looks back at Sadie, who shifts uncomfortably as she looks away. “And you really mean it? You’re not just fucking with me?”_

_“No,” Sadie says, her voice wavering with emotion. “No, it’s him.”_

_“Fuck,” Ladson whispers under his breath as he kicks vacantly into the air in front of him. “Fuck, I still can’t believe it. I know she_ told _me that’s who it was, but how was I supposed to believe her, you know?” Sadie just nods her head forward, as if she doesn’t really want to say much more than that. “And you’re sure B doesn’t know?”_

_“I don’t think he does,” Sadie replies softly as she shakes her head from side to side, as if her thoughts were somewhere very far off. “I don’t think he does, but I can’t say for sure.”_

_“He has to know,” Ladson insists as he stops in front of the bed. “Why else would he want to make sure no one got to see her? Or talk to her?” He crosses and uncrosses his arms over his chest. “He has to know_ something.” _Sadie’s expression shifts as she stares into the corner of the room but says nothing. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. We have to get her out of here.”_

_“What?” Sadie asks as she looks up at him sharply. “What are you talking about?”_

_“We need to get her out of here,” Ladson repeats. “Look, I don’t know about you, but something is very wrong here. I honestly don’t know what it is, but something about this whole situation stinks. Don’t you feel it too?”_

_“I-” Sadie stops suddenly as she shakes her head from side to side, as if to clear her thoughts. “Okay, maybe something is going on, but what do you mean by get her out of here?”_

_“Off this base,” Ladson replies firmly. “If she and Ren really are, I don’t know,_ close _, it’s only going to be a matter of time until he realizes what B’s decided to do, and how do you think he’s going to react to that?”_

_“How do we know that he doesn’t already know?” Sadie asks as she looks up at him. “B might have already told them. We don’t know anything yet.”_

_“We know we have to go,” Ladson says simply as he comes around to sit on the side of her bed. “Look, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think Shayne is right. Something weird is going on with the Storm Troopers, and to be honest, I don’t want to stick around to figure out what it is, especially if Ren is involved. We need to grab her and head out on the first ship back home as soon as we can.”_

_“And how do you expect to do that?” Sadie asks as she narrows her eyes at him. Ladson’s gaze hardens as he pushes himself off the bed and begins to pace again, and Sadie quickly slides forward on the bed closer to him. “I agree, okay? I agree. We can’t stay here and it’s dangerous for her to stay too. It’s dangerous for all of us but you’re talking about escaping. Do you even know how to fly anything?”_

_“My father used to fly commercial transports,” Ladson replies as he shakes his head. “They’re not really the same as what the First Order probably has, but I’m a quick study.”_

_“It’s not just flying a ship I’m worried about,” Sadie continues. “There are guards everywhere. How are you so sure we can even get to the hangar?”_

_Ladson just lets out a sigh as he scratches the back of his head. “Do you want to stay here?” he asks. “Because it sounds like you want to stay, and believe me, if you do-”_

_“No,” Sadie exclaims quickly, her eyes going wide. “No, I don’t want to stay here and I don’t want her to stay here either. We all need to go as fast as possible.” She shakes her head. “I’m just trying to think of a feasible way to escape without getting us all killed. I wish we could talk to her. She’d know what to do.”_

_“Then what would she do?” Ladson asks as he spreads his hands at his sides, as if this was simply a matter of reaching the most favorable solution. “Last time we were stuck together, she reached out to Taro for help and Captain Phasma came. Do you think she might be able to help us? I think she favors her, and if she asks why she’s not coming to class anymore, we could maybe explain what’s going on, and then she could…what are you doing, why are you shaking your head like that?”_

_“Putting yourself in her position…” Sadie’s voice trails off for a moment before she tilts her chin to look up at him, her large brown eyes wide and concerned. “She wouldn’t go.”_

_“She’s basically a prisoner in her own room,” Ladson says dismissively as he shakes her head. “Why wouldn’t she go? There’s nothing for her here.” Sadie shifts uncomfortably, and Ladson can’t help but let out an incredulous laugh. “No way, Sadie, no way. It’s just sex, that’s_ got _to be all there is. You don’t think she’d actually develop_ feelings _for him?”_

_To her credit, Sadie doesn’t delay in her answer. “I think it’s a bit past that point,” she says quietly. “I think she might be in love with him.”_

_“No way,” Ladson says as he shakes his head from side to side. “No way, no way she would fall for someone like him. She’s too, I don’t know, grounded? She wouldn’t-”_

_“He almost killed her before,” Sadie says quietly, playing idly with one of the sleeves on her shirt. “But then she still got involved with him, even after that. I don’t know what she’s thinking, or what she might be trying to do, but she never told me anything, if she knows anything.”_

_“Knows anything?” Ladson says dismissively as he shakes his head. “No, I was there with her. I don’t think she knows anything more than the rest of us.” He starts pacing again, fortunately just missing the guilty look that flashes across Sadie’s features. “And besides, how do you know that she wants this? You said it yourself that he almost killed her. Maybe she’s too petrified of him to refuse him.”_

_“Does she seem petrified to you?” Sadie asks as she raises an eyebrow and looks up at him. Still, she doesn’t give him time to answer. “No, she doesn’t, because she’s not afraid of him. She_ really _likes him, Ladson, and I don’t think she’d come with us. If we offered her a way out, I think she’d stay.”_

_“But he hasn’t come for her yet?” Ladson ventures, and Sadie simply looks down as she shakes her head. “Maybe he doesn’t know, but I kind of doubt it. Maybe something went wrong and it’s over between them?”_

_“We have no way of knowing,” Sadie says as she shakes her head. “You saw the device B put on her door. She can’t get out, we can’t get in, and if we try to whisper through the door it’ll record our voices so he knows what we’ve said. He_ really _doesn’t want us having any contact with her, and it’s scary now. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t.”_

_Ladson just lets out a long, frustrated sigh. “Look, there’s something going on that we’re not being told,” he continues. “We’re in danger. We’re all in danger. As risky as it is, escaping may be the safest thing for all of us right now.” He pulls his hands into fists at his sides as he hardens his resolve. “Getting home is the safest thing, for her, and for all of us, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen, okay?”_

               Ren breaks the connection suddenly, not needing to see any more. The boy was sincere. He would help you and your friends escape, given the opportunity, which only meant that he had to make sure that he never had that opportunity. He was a threat that would have to be eliminated. Ladson is slumped back against the wall, holding his temples between both hands, as if trying to convince himself that his brain was still in one piece in his skull. The information that he had found was interesting, yes, and he’d have to dwell more on it later, but it suddenly struck him that he hadn’t yet gotten what he had originally come for.

               Without warning, Ladson flies backward into the wall again as Ren focuses and takes a quick look into his mind to see what he wanted. This would have to be much quicker, as Ladson was quickly losing consciousness from the unbearable amount of pain that he was going through, a fact which frustrated Ren more than he could adequately describe. The memories had already started to blur together, but in the back of Ladson’s mind, Ren could just make out him sparring with you, drinking out of a silver flask while sitting on your floor and commiserating about the affairs of the day, or sparring like children learning how to fight for the first time.

               He watches the amateur punches with locked arms and the off-balance kicks that were aimed too high and had so little balance behind them that it would be more comical to watch him slip and fall on his own than try to bring him down in his own right. Still, as the weeks progressed in your classes, it seemed that Ladson had come back almost each and every day to practice with you, and your forms were quickly improving. Ren wasn’t sure if he should be pleased by this; he didn’t feel at all concerned by your progress, but the boy was staunchly determined to take you away from him, and in that regard, he _could_ be considered a threat.

               Still, it was difficult to say. He watched one night in particular as you jumped up and imitated kicking him in the groin before he grabbed your foot, holding your ankle tightly in both hands as you hopped on one foot and struggled to maintain your balance without falling as you attempted to pull away.

_“You know, after three days of this, you’d think you would be able to block me by now,” you tease as you continue to try to wiggle out of his grasp._

_“Well, my hands are full,” Ladson huffs comically as he finally opens his hands and releases you. You hop on one foot again to retain your balance before you take a few steps back and signal for him to come towards you. He kicks at your chest with one long leg, but Ren is pleased to see you block his foot with the outside of your arm, pushing it out sideways to make him lose his balance. The motion works as intended, and Ladson leans over and has to grab the desk for support to keep from tipping over. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were getting good at this.”_

_“You are too,” you reply. “Pretty soon the First Order is going to be onto us. They’re going to get wind of our epic fighting ability and make us join their army.”_

_“Don’t even joke-” he replies, and it looks like he’s about to say more before_

               Ladson emits a sharp cry and Ren could feel his concentration wavering. As much as he wanted to see more of what you were like with your friends when he wasn’t around, the boy was going to pass out, or worse, and then he would never be able to afford another opportunity to look into his mind.

               He broke the connection. Ladson slumps to the floor and curls up in the fetal position, holding his arms over his head as if in surrender, or in a vain attempt to block out the bright, sterile light above him. Ren considered ending his life right then and there, but no, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t kill him. If he did, there was a chance that you would find out and you would never forgive him for it. Besides, you had given him a much better option without even realizing that you were doing it. The boy’s form was sloppy now, but he _did_ show potential, and the First Order was always looking to recruit new soldiers. No, there was a chance that he could become much, much more useful to him later on, and it was clear that Ladson was worth much more to him alive.

               Without saying anything more, Ren turned on his heel and headed back to his room. He had obtained a great deal of interesting information, but he needed both time and privacy to think, and with you suddenly occupying his room, it afforded him neither. Still, he couldn’t say that he truly minded all that much. Now that you were here, there were other things that you could provide him with, and Ren could say with a great deal of certainty that this was something that truly did please him. He didn’t have to worry about your safety with you held under guard in his quarters, nor did he have to worry about you escaping. With your friends locked up and under guard themselves, and with you ignorant of their whereabouts on base, it was doubtful that you would even entertain the notion of escape, and thus he deemed he was more or less safe from losing you.

               At least for the time being.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Flare in the Dark  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel to chapter 19, when he tells her to touch his lightsaber to show that she can trust him and it backfires terribly  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader

               Hux was always getting in the way, making ridiculous demands of his time when it could have been better off spent doing other things. In this case, it was interrupting him on his way to see you, not that he could ever admit that to Hux. He thought he might be able to clear a few days from his schedule if he told him that he was on special training from Supreme Leader Snoke, but even that seemed forced and he wouldn’t dare construe a lie that could so easily be proven false.

               No, instead he had to simply grit his teeth and do what needed to be done. It was strange; normally he wanted to ensure that Hux didn’t do anything _without_ his oversight, but now he found himself suddenly apathetic, although he could not understand why. This is what he had sacrificed his old life for, and now he was, what? Turning his back on that for a girl? No, this was simply a temporary result of the bond and the unfortunate events that had recently transpired. He was linked to you now, and although he didn’t understand fully in what way, he knew that was going to have to earn your trust if he was ever going to understand just what was going on between you.

               Right now, you were wary of trusting, well, anyone, but he didn’t fault you for that. You had been betrayed by everyone close to you, and even he was unfortunately not exempt from this. He had almost killed you once, and while he knew that you couldn’t be sure that he wasn’t going to do it again, he wanted to find some way to prove this to you; if he could figure out a way to do it. He couldn’t live with you fearing him, doubting him, second guessing him and his motives for keeping you with him. They were selfish reasons, but in your mind, that seemed almost too simple, and he knew that you believed him culpable of nefarious intent. If he did have sinister motives behind keeping you here, they were hidden even from him.

               No, but he knew that if you continued to doubt him, your insecurities would soon become his and he could not allow that to happen. It seemed that you were going to stay with him, at least for the foreseeable future, and he was determined to do everything in his power to make you as unafraid of him as possible. It was strange; it seemed while he was trying to be intimidating that was when you were the least afraid of him, and while he was trying to be gentle, you were more on your guard than ever. He knew his actions as of late had hindered him in this regard, as well as the unfortunate circumstances that had brought you to him, but he was set on resolving your doubt once and for all, no matter what you required from him.

               He could feel you as soon as he neared his door, and your nervous, excited energy was oddly soothing as he neared you. The door parted immediately as he approached, and he could hear you make a small noise of greeting as he entered the apartment. Surprised to even get that much, he took off his helmet and his usual armor, making sure to appear as unintimidating as he possibly could. He disappeared into his back room to grab something that he had made sure to store there before he retrieved it and walked over to the doorway where he could see you standing in the center of your room, spinning your staff around and around as you turned it hand over hand, at the full height of your focus.

               As you reluctantly bring your staff to your side, he can’t help but notice your eyes go wide as you see him holding his own staff in one hand. You bite your lower lip as if you’re trying to suppress a smile, but it slips through nonetheless. “What are you doing with that?” you ask, your eyes drifting from the staff back to his face where they settled on his dark eyes.

               “When I was in your mind earlier, I saw all sorts of things,” he replies, pleased by how you comfortable you seem with his presence. “I saw how you spent your days, and I saw how you spent most of your nights.” Your cheeks flush as you look away and embarrassment, and Ren is glad that you don’t notice the fact that he’s lying to you. He had seen glimpses into your mind, but they were just quick, cursory glances as he was intent on causing you as little pain as possible. His search in Ladson’s mind had been much more extensive, not that you would ever find out.

               Ren steps forward, drawing one long leg back behind him in a shallow lunge as he angles the staff across his body in a true fighting stance, but your expression immediately changes as you shake your head slowly from side to side and take an involuntary step back away from him. “No. Oh no.”

               “No?” Ren asks, a small smile playing on his lips as he surveys your reaction. “Why not?”

               You just stare back at him like you’re too afraid to say much of anything, and this was what Ren had feared. He had more or less expected this reaction when he had returned after choking you only to find you standing firm and grounded in the center of your room. He had no idea why these recent events had suddenly made you so much more skittish, but he didn’t want you to be that way, not around him. He could sense your thoughts, sense that you were trying to guard yourself against him, and he couldn’t deal with the frustrating tug in the back of his mind until he earned your trust again. He had gained it, lost it, and gained it again, but now he wasn’t sure what exactly he had done for you to suddenly be so frightened.

               Regardless, he was going to fix it. He was going to fix it _today_.

               “Are you afraid I’m going to hurt you?” he asks, tilting his head to one side as he studies you. You gnaw on your lower lip before you nod your head slowly, and he’s secretly pleased that you had taken his earlier advice to heart and was honest with him. He had gained that honesty _through_ fear, and although that wasn’t a tactic that he felt inclined to use against you, if it was effective, he saw no reason not to continue with the same approach.

               He turns around and heads into the living room quickly and uses the Force to detach his lightsaber from his belt and let it float into his hand. He smiles down at it as his fingers close around the hilt, savoring how strong he felt while he held it, before he turns and heads back into the bedroom, holding it out in front of him so that you could see it in all its glory. “Do you know what this is?”

               You shake your head, staring apprehensively at the hilt as if you weren’t sure what it was or what he could do with it. Gently, he gestures with his hand to encourage you to come forward before he holds it out in front of him and ignites the blade, letting the bright crimson red flash throughout the room. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see you stop in your tracks, but he’s momentarily distracted by the lively flash of the blade as it moved and sizzled in his hand, a reflection of his temperament. This, this was an extension of himself, as angry and volatile as he was, and he was _proud_ of that fact, proud that he was able to create a weapon that was simply an extension of his connection with the Force. It served as both a symbol of his power and the strength of the dark side that he had worked so hard to obtain.

               A sudden movement catches the corner of his eye, and your awkward shifting in the corner of the room quickly draws his attention. “Do you like it?” he asks, and he watches you nod your head nervously as you stare intently at the flashing blade. “I made it myself,” he begins, but as he’s talking, he can’t help but notice that you’re not listening to a word that he’s saying. Instead, your mind is pulsing with your fear and it’s hard for him to focus on even his thoughts when your apprehension and paranoia that he was going to turn it on you in a moment’s notice was occupying your every waking thought.

               A quick flash of anger coursed through him, and it took considerable effort not to lash out at you. He was not going to hurt you, he told you this, and yet you seemed so insistent to think less of him. Here he was, sharing what was perhaps the happiest memory that he had with you, and you were just cowering in the corner, wondering when you would feel his flash of rage next. All things considered, he had never been angry with you. He had never lost his temper around you, and he had never given you reason to think that he would physically hurt you besides the one time that he had already apologized for. What had changed? What did he have to do to prove to you that he wasn’t going to hurt you?

               “Touch it.”

               “Touch it?” you repeat, blinking nervously as you stare down the crimson saber. He expected you to call his bluff, to tell him that you refused, but instead you continued to cower as if he honestly expected you to go through with such an act. Had things between you truly become that severe in order for you to doubt him so terribly?

               “Touch it,” he repeats, although he can’t help how incensed he sounds at the moment. He didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to scare you this way, but it seemed the _only_ way for him to show you that he was set on keeping you safe. He was not going to hurt you, and he didn’t know what else he could do in order to prove that to you when you seemed so insistent on holding his previous transgressions against him, which was all the more frustrating considering he hadn’t told you anything about his past.

               At this rate, he never would.

               You aren’t moving, and his patience is wearing thin. Wearily, he lifts up one hand, palm up as if inviting you to step closer, and through the power of the Force, he watches his hand raise up in front of you. “No, Kylo-” You try to resist him, try to pull your hand back, but it’s quite clear that he isn’t going to release you, not until he’s achieved what he’s set out to do. He can see the tears prick in your eyes as your hand gets closer and closer, and part of him wants to stop, but it’s much too late for him to cease his actions when he had already come so far. You really thought he was going to go through with it, and now there would only be one way for him to prove that he wasn’t.

               You screw up your face in a grimace as you prepare yourself for the inevitable burst of pain, but he needs you to see this, he needs you to understand that he isn’t going to hurt you.

_“Look.”_

               Slowly, unwillingly, your eyes open and your head snaps around to look as he holds your gaze steady, making sure that this time you didn’t blink or look away as your fingers got closer and closer to the blade which snapped and hissed as if it was hungry for blood. He could see how his lightsaber could be intimidating to those who would be on the receiving end of it, but how else was he going to make it clear to you that you would never be in that position unless he brought you right to the edge and then pulled back?

               He can hear you whimpering softly in the back of your throat, and as he catches the reflection of the blade in your eyes, he suddenly wonders if he’s perhaps pushing you too far. After all that had happened to you in the past few days, from your isolation to your subsequent imprisonment, maybe this _was_ too much for you to bear. He had thought you as strong as he was, but perhaps you weren’t ready just yet. Perhaps this was the wrong way to go about it. Still, your fingers were only inches from the blade now, and he knew that you would be able to feel its heat in the tips of your fingers before you even came close to touching it. Just as it looks like your fingertips are about to touch the blade, he quickly extinguishes the blade and releases his hold on you simultaneously, watching as your shoulders collapse as you clutch your hand back to your chest, holding it by the wrist as if he had actually burned you. He hadn’t, he was close enough to you now that he could feel the heat in your fingertips but knew it wasn’t enough to cause any serious burns.

               He’s trying to find the words to say that he proved his point, but he can’t even think of one as he watches you closely, watches the way your knees shake as you stare at the floor in front of you, as if you really thought that he was going to do it. He had meant to scare you as a way to make you understand, but for all intents and purposes, you looked more or less traumatized as you shook and whimpered in front of him.

 _Shit shit shit._ That was _not_ what he had intended to do.

               He walks over to you quickly, placing a hand on either side of your head as he forces you to look up at him. “How else can I make you understand?” He wants to try to be gentle with you, but his frustration bleeds through his voice and makes it firmer and rougher than he had intended. “I’m not going to hurt you. I know at times I can be reckless, but I am _in control_. I’m not going to hurt you again.”

               You blink rapidly a few times as you glance down, as if trying to process this information, before you glance back up at him. He can practically see the gears working in your mind, trying to determine whether or not he was telling the truth. He was, he wanted to assure you that he was, but he knew that that was a conclusion that you had to make on your own.

               Your head bobs up and down as if you finally understand what he meant to do, although he’s not quite sure whether you do understand or you’re just trying to placate him. Either way, he lowers his head slowly as he presses his lips against yours, softly, asking for permission, and he’s pleased as you pucker your lower lip as you move to kiss him back. It’s a feeble movement, but it’s an effort, and that was what he had wanted to see from you. He pulls away slowly as he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, pleased to see that you looked as though you were starting to come back to yourself. If you were scared of him now, there was only one way to prove that you shouldn’t be.

               “Pick up your staff.”

               He turns around to watch you pick up your staff, holding it tightly in both hands as you hold it at an angle across your body. “I’ve, uh, never had any sort of formal training,” you tell him nervously, and Ren can’t help but quirk up an eyebrow at this. He considered your training with Phasma to be formal enough, but truth be told, he didn’t honestly know the extent of it or how much time she had dedicated to teaching you outright.

               “Then allow me,” he replies simply as he takes two quick strides towards you. He raises his staff as if to strike, surprised to watch you cower as if in fear of him, shutting your eyes as you threw one arm up in front of your face to shield yourself. This wasn’t anything how you had behaved when you were with Ladson, and he stopped where he stood as he lowered his staff, waiting for you to realize that he wasn’t going to strike.

               As you lower your arm, you seem to sense this and you look almost shy as you murmur a small apology, averting his eyes as you do so. Ren’s face is relaxed when you finally do look up at him, silently waiting for you to explain why you had reacted as you did. He didn’t sense any fear coming from you, and he honestly wasn’t sure what to make of your reaction. You seem to fumble around for an explanation before you finally find your words. “It’s just that, when I was sparring with Ladson, he was kind of…weak. I knew he couldn’t really hurt me.” 

               He had a feeling that might be the case. You _were_ still afraid that he was going to hurt you, but at least this time you had slightly more reason to be. He was stronger and more experienced than anyone you had ever faced before, and while he knew you were somewhat untrained, you were worried that he might push you beyond your limits. To show that he was willing to be patient with you, he set his staff down on the floor and held both hands out in front of him, palms facing you.

               “Hit me.”

               You simply stare back, eyes wide, and he can sense something stirring behind your eyes, perhaps a distant memory. He would have given anything to look, but he wouldn’t risk prying and upsetting your already delicate relationship. “I can’t hit you,” you finally confess as you glance away nervously, as if afraid of what punishment this disobedient might invoke.

               “Because you’re afraid of me?”

               To your credit, you seem to at least consider this and he’s grateful that he seems to be getting honest answers without having to push any further. “No,” you admit as you look up at him. “I know I’m not going to hurt you, I _can’t_ hurt you, but I just, I don’t know, I have no reason to hit you.”

               This he didn’t understand. He could feel your anger, but it was suddenly beginning to dawn on him that maybe you _didn’t_. Maybe you were so used to burying your anger and your frustration that you simply hadn’t recognized that it was there, building underneath the surface. If that was the case, he needed to invoke it, and he knew exactly how to do that. “Tell me about B.”

               “About B?” you ask as your eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “What about him?”

               “He betrayed you,” Ren says as he begins to circle you. “He put you up like a lamb for the slaughter. He used you as bait. What if I _had_ choked you to death? Do you think he would have cared? Or would he just have seen you as another casualty of his mission?” You shrug uncomfortably, as if this was something that you purposely had avoided thinking about. You were clearly being affected, and Ren decides to push further. “What about Sadie?” he continues. “That was your friend’s name, right? Sadie? Wasn’t she like a sister to you? And now I wonder where she is. Halfway across the galaxy, sold into a life of slavery for all I know. And all because you told me her name. She betrayed you, and then you betrayed her, and-”

               “Stop talking.”

               This pleased him. He could see the muscle spasm in your upper arm, and this pleased him even more. You were angry at the circumstances, yes, but the fact that Sadie’s circumstances might have been because of your accidental slip was something that you definitely did not want to think about. Naturally, it meant that he needed to push further. Unless you knew what to direct your anger at, it was either going to eat you alive from the inside out, or it was going to start to affect you in ways that you couldn’t control, and he didn’t want that anger to be channeled at him simply because he was the only person you would come into contact with for the foreseeable future.

               “It doesn’t make you angry?” he goads. “To know the entire reason you were sent here was to be used as bait? What does that say about you?” Something flickers across your face, only encouraging him to push harder. “B told you himself, didn’t he? The only reason you were brought on board was a distraction for me. He knew that I choked you. He watched how you covered up the bruises I left you. He knew I could return at any time and kill you in your sleep, and he didn’t lift a finger to even try to protect you. You were expendable to him.” Your lower lip trembles, your eyes set at a spot on the floor, clearly determined not to look at him. “You weren’t brought on board for your linguistic skills. You were brought on board so that I could fuck you and have my way with you. That’s the only thing he thought you were good for. Doesn’t that bother you?”

               He watches as your hand clenches into a fist at your side, as if you’re realizing that you have to confront this, as you realize that he’s forcing you to deal with this. He gives you a few moments to recognize that he was right; that everything he said was true. Before he had killed him, he had glimpsed into B’s mind and he had seen the conversations he had with his partner about your bruises. C was so much more concerned than he was, not that that meant that B wasn't concerned himself. Still, his concern for the mission or for your well-being wasn’t clear, and he wasn’t bringing anything to your attention that you couldn’t have figured out for yourself if you took the time to really think about it.

               The only problem was that you didn’t want to think about it, that much was clear. You wanted to shut yourself off from it and pretend that everything was okay, but sooner or later your anger would get the better of you and lead you to either resent him or resent being here, and Ren didn’t want to see either of those happen. He watches you carefully, watching you come to terms with your emotions, with the truth of the situation, with your anger, before you finally give into it. You pull your fist back and punch him as hard as you can in his shoulder, and he takes a few steps back, trying to make the force of your punch seem stronger than it really was, for your benefit. You seemed to think he was impenetrable, but if he could humanize himself to you, there was a chance that you could learn to trust him.

               His lips part in a triumphant smirk to see you so affected, to know that he could push just the right buttons and could figure out what made you tick. This seems to incense you all the more as you step forward and try to punch him again, but Ren was not about to let himself become your human punching bag. No, this is what he wanted, to _fight_ , and he easily blocks your subsequent punch with one arm. He’s almost surprised as you step in closer and aim a punch directly at his face, but his movements are almost effortless as he grabs your wrist. He notices that your other shoulder dips back slightly as if you’re about to pull another punch, and he catches that one just before it comes, holding both wrists out in front of you.

               He’s wondering how you would respond if he leaned forward and tried to kiss you before you thrust your body down towards the ground, planning a hand on the floor for balance as you throw out a kick from your side. It hits him squarely in the abdomen and as he stumbles back slightly, he suddenly can’t help his own flash of irritation; this time, it was genuine. You had concentrated all of your energy into the strike, and although your punches were telltale and easily blocked, you clearly had a stronger mastery of your kicks.

               You seem to sense your own strength as you get back onto your feet, your arms out in a fighting position in front of you, blocking your torso from any strikes that he might try to throw your way. It was suddenly clear to him that you were ready to do this, that you were ready to fight or spar or do whatever you needed to do. Something had been knocked loose inside of you, and you no longer felt compelled to hold it back. Yes, you were angry about what happened, that you had been used as bait. You were upset that you had fallen for it, and disappointed that you hadn’t been able to help your friends. You were frightened by the uncertainty of your situation, of not knowing what to expect from the First Order or Ren himself. He could read all of this on you, and he wasn’t sure which he was more pleased by; the fact that you finally seemed ready to embrace your emotions, or the fact that he was able to pick up on them and read them so easily.

               He stands up straight as he walks closer to you now, clearly intrigued by your recent outburst of emotion. He opens his mouth to speak, but you just shake your head. “Don’t talk. You wanted me angry, well, I’m angry. You want to fight me, then go ahead. Let’s fight.”

               Good. Honestly, he couldn’t have hoped for anything more. He takes a brief moment to prepare himself before he steps forward to throw a punch. He makes sure to keep his feet planted on the ground as he leans forward with his shoulders in terrible form, making sure not to get any closer. Shifting his weight off center would make it much easier for you to grab his arm and topple him over, and that was what he was counting on. Unfortunately, you don’t take the bait, but you don’t let him hit you, either. Instead, you push his arm out with your forearm, and, holding it with one hand, take the chance to reach in and punch his chest quickly before you pull away.

               Even still, you seem to sense that he is holding back, humoring you on purpose. “It’s only going to piss me off more if you don’t even try,” you snap, and Ren can’t help but raise his eyebrows in surprise. If you really wanted to fight him, he was more than happy to oblige. He moves to hit you with his elbow, to strike you for real, but you don’t even try to block it. The movement was too fast, and he didn’t even have time to realize that you weren’t going to try to block or dodge before he feels the force of the impact. It hurts, he can _feel_ it hurt you, but you just brace yourself as you shake your head side to side, trying not to let it affect you. “Seriously, if you’re not even going to try, I’m not going to even block it.”

               Ren narrows his eyes as he studies you, trying to figure out what your game is. Did you _want_ him to hit you, to hurt you, as part of some ultimate goal to prove to yourself that he truly was a despicable being? Cautiously, he decides to test you as he makes a move to punch you before he drops down to the floor, supporting himself with one hand as you had done earlier as he places a kick into your side. He’s holding back considerably, but even still, the action causes you to fall backwards onto your bum as you sit there and massage your sore bottom. He shakes his head as he gets back to his feet, extending a hand to help you up, and he’s almost surprised to see you take it without hesitation as he tries to pull you to your feet.

               Except that doesn’t happen. Instead of letting him pull you up, you yank him down with you, this time adequately taking advantage of his shift in weight to pull him to the floor beside you as you roll out of his way. He’s not expecting it, and as he rolls over onto his back to get up, he’s not at all disappointed by the way you climb to your knees as you straddle him, putting both hands flat on his chest. The position had implications, and for a moment he almost considered that it wouldn’t be insufferable to have you be on top of him, to let you be in control for at least a brief moment while he got to watch you fuck yourself with his cock.

               “Impressive kick, but I think I win,” you gloat, clearly pleased with yourself, and a smirk tugs at the corner of Ren’s lips.

               “Really?” He quickly grabs you behind your thighs as he suddenly flips you over, pinning your hands on either side of your head with the Force before his hands find your wrists.

               “I got this,” you huff as you attempt to struggle out of his grip, but Ren’s face just relaxes in a gentle smile as he watches you. Without even realizing he’s doing it, he bends down to kiss you, but you lurch away from him suddenly, giggling as you try to wriggle out from underneath his grasp. He continues to try to kiss you, but you simply dodge him, shaking your head this way and that to make sure that he didn’t even get close. You kept pushing your hips up in a weak attempt to get away, but it was quite clear that the action was having an effect on both of you. He could feel you grinding against his length, albeit accidently, but it was an action that would indeed have consequences as he felt you weakening, unable to resist him for much longer.

               But he wasn’t quite ready to give up this game with you either. He senses your give as your lips meet his own, and although you kiss him back with equal fervor, you still continue to kick him, digging the heels of your feet into the small of his back as you wrap your legs around his narrow waist. As you languidly roll your head back, he takes advantage of your sudden shift of positions to plant a trail of kisses along your neck, continuing to hold down your arms while you continue your useless struggle of trying to get out from underneath him. As he kisses up the length of your neck, he nips playfully at your earlobe as he makes sure to hover there for a moment, so you can feel his hot breath along the side of your face. “Roll your hips.”

               You stop struggling for a moment as you process what he was saying, mentally picking apart his words in order to try to figure out what he meant. Finally, it seems you understand as you roll your hips out to the _side,_ scrunching up your body as you go until you manage to get one leg free. From there, it’s just a simple matter of using it as leverage to get to your knees and while he’s still holding his hands by the side of your head, he knows he can’t maintain this position as you throw your full weight at him, leading with your shoulder, and he reluctantly lets you go as you climb to your feet, yanking your other wrist free of his grasp.

               He can see you watching him intently from a few steps away, watching him slowly get to his feet as he turns around to face you. He can still sense your anger simmering within you, but there’s something beneath that too. There’s excitement, the hint of a challenge, and it’s more than clear that he has your undivided attention, which is exactly what he wanted. “If you want me, you’re going to have to do better than that,” you taunt him, and his eyes flash as he prepares to come towards you.

               No, _that_ was exactly what he wanted.

               “I was hoping you’d say that,” he replies smoothly as he comes towards you, and this time as he goes to strike you, you dodge out of the way, using your size and your agility to step in and plant your elbow into the side of his ribcage and get back out before he can block the movement. He goes to hit you again, pleased that you blocked his punch, although it’s clear that it takes considerable effort to hold back his strength and he mentally resolves to go easier on you. This was practice, he decided. A warm-up, a test to see what you could and could not handle from him, to know how far he wanted to push you in the future.

               Even with him holding back only slightly, you still seemed to be holding your own considerably well. Your face was set to the height of focus, but even through your concentration, it was clear that you were enjoying this as much as he was, maybe even more. It was suddenly more than clear what you wanted. You wanted strength. You wanted to be strong, and Ren could more than just slightly identify with you in this regard. He was someone who valued strength above all else, and it was beginning to seem that you were very much the same way. All things considered, as he watched you take blow after blow and use it as fuel to help you fight harder, he couldn’t help but notice that some core aspects of your personality seemed remarkably close to his, although he wasn’t quite sure if this should please or unnerve him.

               At least as you continued to fight, you seemed to become more aware of his intentions, understanding that he didn’t want to hurt you. No, he had initially set out to make sure that you weren’t afraid of him, but now a new goal was quickly forming in his mind. He would train you. Your fast reflexes weren’t just a product of your training with Phasma; it was a sign of the Force stirring within you, and with someone who valued strength and power as much as he did, you could become a powerful ally if the need ever arose. Mixed feelings stirred within him as he considered what Supreme Leader Snoke might have to say about the matter. It was possible he might view you as a threat. It was possible that he might send you away from him, or worse, it was possible that with your newfound strength, you would leave of your own accord.

               On second thought, maybe training wasn’t a good idea after all. Then again, there was nothing wrong with training you _physically_ , he wasn’t in any danger of you overpowering him there, and besides, you weren’t going anywhere. Ladson would be in no position to help you, especially after Captain Phasma started his training, and there was nowhere else for you to go. No, you belonged with him, right here on the Starkiller Base, and he was determined to make that last as long as possible. He just had to do what needed to be done to hold your affections, to…

               His thoughts are interrupted as you lunge at him suddenly, knocking him onto his back. He can feel your lips against his, hungry and desperate, and he returns it as a lusty growl slips out the back of his throat. He can feel your hands fisting in his hair, tugging slightly on the roots, and he can literally feel the beads of sweat drop down from your hairline and mingle with his. Still, he doesn’t quite like the feeling of you leaning over him like this, but makes no attempt to show his discomfort as he sits up quickly with the intent of reversing your positions. It surprises him to see you hold firm, securing your position in his lap as you wrap your arms around his neck and continue to kiss him.

               That was okay, no, that was good, except for the fact that he was literally feeling the sweat of his shirt stick to his back and he wanted to feel your hands against his skin instead of the smooth fabric. Quickly, he grabs your arms roughly and forces them to your sides as he grabs the hem of his shirt and yanks it up and over his head, discarding it on the ground beside him as he shakes his hair free. He glances back at you to find you literally staring at his chest, slowly reaching out to run the fingertips of both hands over the dips and curves in his muscles, gnawing on your lower lip as you appraise him. His chest is soaked with sweat, and he can feel your lust growing as you continue to touch him, slowly grinding your hips against his as you take him in.

               _“Aw, fuck_.” He almost couldn’t believe what an affect that he was having on you. He was nothing to look at physically. He had a big, imposing nose, an angular jaw, and he insisted on hiding his large ears under long hair that his mother had always insisted he kept cropped short in order to prevent him from looking any more ridiculous than he already did. And no matter how many times he had tried to make himself stronger and bigger, his body remained tall and lean, forcing him to make his armor wider at the sides to compensate for his narrow features.

               But that didn’t seem to matter to you. In fact, you almost seemed to like him this way. He could tell from the way you had bit your lower lip and averted your eyes when he had first taken off his helmet that you were affected by him. _You_ found him attractive, probably one of the only people in the galaxy to entertain such a notion, and if that wasn’t reason enough to keep you by his side then he didn’t know what was. Aside from the events of late, his anger didn’t scare you, you didn’t seem frightened of him, and your connection in the Force was quickly growing. That in itself was enough of a reason for him to keep you close, but it seemed that you wanted to be as close to him as well. That in itself was something that he could hardly fathom, although he honestly couldn’t say that he minded it all that much.

               “Are you in my head right now?” you ask suddenly as you shake him from his thoughts, and he just smirks triumphantly back at you.

               “I don’t need to be,” he replies simply, and he was surprised that it was more or less true. He didn’t have to be in your head in order to read you, didn’t need to actively probe your thoughts in order to see how it was you were feeling. He could feel your energy almost as easily as he could his own, and that was when he knew that the Force bond had truly cemented itself between you. He could feel your hunger, your lust, your desperate urge to feel him…

               Suddenly, there’s a frantic scrambling of limbs as clothes get pulled off and deposited in every direction. You quickly climb back into his lap and his hands find your waist as he feels you push yourself down over his erect length. He almost forgets to breathe for a moment as he relishes the feeling of feeling you around him, and his senses almost burst completely as you bite down into his shoulder hard enough to draw blood. He lets out a breathless grunt in your ears before he realizes that he needs to feel you under his lips as well, brushing your hair back quickly to give him access to your neck.

               “No, you don’t.” He freezes suddenly, and as he does, you seem to take advantage of his reticence to grab his shoulders and push him back down onto the floor. Both of your hands are squared firmly on his shoulders as you start to move up and down along his length, and Ren rolls his head back as he tries to figure out how to feel about this new position. You were in control. You lifted your hips and hovered there for a moment before you brought yourself crashing back down on top of him, teasing him mercilessly, but you were still on top. You were in control. He couldn’t quite figure out why this vexed him so much, but after two rounds of this he couldn’t take it anymore.

               He sits up quickly in an attempt to push you back, but he’s surprised to find that you’re holding firm. Instead, you wrap your legs around his waist again as you lean back on your elbows for support, letting him push deeper inside of you as you thrust your hips against his in short, desperate bursts. You’re close, he can practically feel your slick walls pulsing against him as you push yourself closer and closer to your own release. He can feel himself throbbing inside of you and suddenly he feels himself give as you moan out his name, your muscles clenching and contracting around him as you feel yourself let go.

               He sweeps you backwards as he forces out the last bits of himself into you with several short, quick pumps as he covers your mouth with his, letting you drink in his hot, desperate gasps for air. He can feel your fingertips combing through his thick hair, and he hovers there for a moment, relishing the feeling of being this close inside of you, of being this close to you. You wanted this, you wanted him beside you, he could feel it, at least, until you put a hand on his chest and gently pushed him off of you. Still, he holds firm, desperate for your warmth against his pale skin as he keeps one arm wrapped firmly around you.

               You were his now. He wasn’t quite sure he was ready to declare it outright, but you were his in every way that mattered. Now that you were here, he wasn’t going to simply let you go. No, he would do whatever it took to keep you by his side, and more than that, he would take care of you. You were an extension of himself, and it was more than possible that anyone looking to inflict harm on him could easily turn to you, and he wanted to prevent that from happening no matter what the cost. You were valuable, not just because of your connection to him, but because of your connection to the Force, which had somehow linked with his own. Combined with your own desire for strength, it was possible that he could use your bond in order to increase his own power, and suddenly he was sure that the circumstances that brought you here, as unpleasant as they may have been, was simply a sign from the Force showing him that he was heading in the right direction, that this is what he had been meant for all along. He would be great, and you would be right there by his side to help him achieve it.

               For all was as the Force willed it, and he was never one to meddle with destiny if it seemed to suit his needs. The Force had indeed given him you, perhaps his most powerful asset yet, and if he could only muster the patience, he was sure that the future would play out in the way that he had planned. After all, he had worked for too hard and too long and given up too much not to be rewarded for his efforts, and he _would_ be rewarded, at least in time.

               Of that he was sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think next week is the first week we jump out of Flare for a little bit. This scene is reflected from a scene in Candle, so I want to skip ahead to *that* scene next. I think you all know the one I'm talking about.....maybe? ;) Until then, cheers!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Candle in the Night  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel to chapter 28, when Snoke demands that Kylo Ren kill Reader  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader, Snoke
> 
> In Flare, he had worked so hard to prove to Reader that he would never hurt her with his lightsaber. 
> 
> Flashforward to now.

               He didn’t know why you were here. He had his ideas, obviously; the notion that you had come here simply because you missed him was endearing, but it was far from the truth. If that had truly been the case, you would have come to see him long before you had ever stepped foot on the Resistance base, although he couldn’t even say that with any real certainty. He had never told you where he was, and yet, as the Supreme Leader had predicted, you had come, although he wasn’t quite sure why you did.

               The plan was supposed to be simple. The Resistance would plan to use you as bait against him, much like they had before, as if he was stupid enough to fall for the same trick twice. Then he would hold you and your son hostage in exchange for a private rendezvous with his mother to return them, unharmed. And that was part of the agreement. You and Anakin were supposed to be released unharmed, and it was then that he would have the opportunity to eliminate his mother once and for all. She had almost lost her life after the bombing following his father’s funeral, but apparently she was stronger with the Force than he had originally given her credit for, one of the rare instances where she actually harnessed her own Force abilities in order to save her life.

               The effect would be twofold. Not only would he help completely sever his connection to Ben Solo, but the Resistance would fall apart at the seams. She had created the Resistance, and while there were powerful heads from the Republic involved, there would be a clear power struggle as everyone attempted to take leadership at once. While they were divided, it would be a simple matter of taking advantage of the chaos to eliminate them once and for all, and suddenly, just like that, the war would be over and he would be free to take back you and Ani and retreat to some far-off corner of the galaxy once his power was no longer so desperately needed.

               But you had come without Ani, and that threw a considerable wrench in his plans. To the Resistance, you alone seemed quite worthless. It was his son that his mother really had her eye on, and he doubted that she cared all that much about what to do with you. Your life had been expendable to her before, and he doubted that had changed much. Both the war and Han’s death had hardened her, made her colder, but Ren tried to distance himself from these thoughts as he looked upon you sleeping beside him, curled up on your side in his direction with a small smile playing on your lips.

               You looked happy, and he wanted to believe more than anything that this was an authentic gesture coming from you, that you truly missed him and wanted him to return. Even still, he couldn’t believe it. It was something that he simply could not allow himself to do. He was not the same person you had fallen in love with, if you had ever truly loved him. You had tolerated him; he knew that much. All of your statements of affection were simply blank verses meant to conceal the truth and distract him from the fact that you didn’t care about him, that you couldn’t. He was dark and he was evil and he was ugly, and that notion was cemented into his brain every time he looked in the mirror to see the terrible gash that ripped his face in two. It was a face that was probably much more fitting of the legacy that was Kylo Ren, but it wasn’t the face that you had claimed to love.

               Not that he could blame you. He hadn’t told you anything about his past, but his mother certainly had, and he couldn’t imagine you ever putting that behind you to ever look on him favorably again. No, as much as he had changed since you had last met him, you had changed as well. You were stronger now, much stronger in the Force and in your own assurance of yourself. You were confident and bold, seemingly assured by your own success. They had intercepted the holo recording of your duel against Rey for the spectacle of the New Republic, and he had seen how powerful you had become on your own, through her training, much stronger than you had ever become with his, and yet, he still couldn’t believe that you would leave Ani behind with what amounted to a bunch of strangers. While you had assured him that Ladson was watching over him, Ren still had his doubts. By leaving Ani behind, you had signaled one thing and one thing only: with Ani back on the Resistance base, that was where you had intended to go back to. No matter what you may have said, he had to look at your actions.

               He could look into your mind, too, if he truly desired to, but the truth was that he didn’t. He didn’t want to see what else he might find in there. He didn’t want to see what you truly thought of him now. You still moaned when he kissed you, still leaned into his touch when his fingertips graced your cheek, but he couldn’t tell what was genuine or how much you were pretending to like it. You had fooled him before, but he was stronger now, better, and yet he still couldn’t tell. To him, it still felt as though you wanted him just as much as ever, but it couldn’t be true, it just couldn’t be. He wouldn’t allow himself to give into such fantastical notions.

               Still, he can’t help but test this as he reaches out and runs his thumb along your cheek, smoothing back your hair as he does so. You let out a small murmur of appreciation in your sleep and snuggle closer to him, pushing yourself into the circle of his arm as you curl up into his chest. Almost a bit reluctantly, he wraps his arm around you as he buries his nose in your hair and inhales your scent, secretly wishing that this was real and hating himself for thinking that way all the same. You could not love him after all that he had done; the truth was that no one could love him at all. He was too dark and you were much too good to debase yourself by truly caring for him.

               But he couldn’t help but think back to how this had begun on the Starkiller Base when he had declared that you were his and decided that he would do whatever he could in his power to keep things that way. And then, just like that, he had let you go. If he had known that you were going to carry his child, would he have let you go? Or was the conception merely a sign from the Force that he had done the right thing? It couldn’t be, he told himself. The years of solitude and isolation, of failure after miserable failure, had showed him that something had gone wrong somewhere. When you had entered his life, he was so sure that everything was on the right track for him, and after you had left, it had all fallen apart.

               Which brought him to now. You weren’t strong enough to take him on single-handedly, so he wasn’t quite sure what the Resistance could hope to gain by sending you in. Surely they would know better than to send you in as bait; they had attempted such a plan before and it had failed miserably. Maybe they hoped to appeal to his sense of humanity, which, if that was the case, was a lost cause. While he was truthfully weak enough to give himself to you temporarily, he was not going to let you overstay your welcome. If the Supreme Leader discovered that you were on board, he could make life decidedly unpleasant, and he was not going to allow that to happen no matter what the cost.    

               You may not have felt anything for him, and maybe you never did, but his feelings for you _had_ been genuine, and he was going to honor them. He had promised himself long ago that he was never going to hurt you and had gone to considerable lengths to prove that. He wasn’t quite sure what you wanted, but he wished with almost every fiber of his being that you had simply come and brought his son with you so that he could at least make an attempt to believe that your affections were genuine. As it stood right now, however, he could no longer trust any whisper of affection that left your parted lips.

               Although, part of him dared to ask himself the question: what if they were? What if Supreme Leader was wrong and you hadn’t deceived him, hadn’t tricked him into making your way off base? He had told him that he had been mind tricked into letting you depart after you had wiped his mind of First Order secrets in his sleep, but if that was the case, why had you not run straight to the Resistance when you left? No, you had done as he had commanded and stayed on your academia and had waited years for him before you left for D’Qar; no amount of rationalizing could explain that. Part of him wanted to believe with every fiber of his being that you really did love him, but that truly sounded like something that was much too good to be true. It would take some miracle of the Force for you to have forgiven him of all of his transgressions against you, and he didn’t think that that sort of luck was truly in his favor.

               “Hey,” you blink your eyes sleepily open, and he looks down at you as a small smile quirks at the corners of his lips as he smooths your hair back with one hand. “How long have I been out?”

               “A while,” he answers softly, watching as you sit up and stretch slightly before rolling over onto your stomach so that you could face him.

               “You look pensive,” you note, one eyebrow quirking quizzically as you try to get a feel for his mood through the Force bond, but Ren just shrugs. “Kylo…” Your voice trails off as you look away, and for a moment he’s reminded of how much he used to like that. Kylo. It wasn’t a name so much as a title but that was what you had decided to call him, and you were the _only_ one who had called him that. Hearing those words again filled him with emotions that he wasn’t sure he could handle, or perhaps it was that he just simply didn’t want to have to face them. “Look,” you say as you turn around to face him with some finality. “I’m only here for a little while, right? And I don’t want to be sad while I’m here. I don’t know when the next time I’m going to get to see you again is, so I don’t want to think about that, okay? I just want you here with me right now, Kylo. That’s it. That’s all I need.”

               Your eyes are so big and sincere as you gaze up at him, but he simply purses his lips as he looks down at you, cupping your cheek in one hand. Did you mean it? He couldn’t be sure. As if sensing his doubt, you slide over onto him until you’re straddling him with one leg on either side of his waist as you kissed him, pressing your chest into his. The response is automatic as he kisses you back, one hand slipping to the nape of your neck as he holds you in place. His other arm wraps around your back as he holds you closer, and he almost can’t help but marvel at how natural it feels to have you here in his arms again, how _right_ this feels.

               “I’ve missed you,” he whispers suddenly as he buries his face in your neck, wrapping his arms tightly around you. Maybe he didn’t have to let you go at all. Perhaps he could keep you here, and this time, you really would be his prisoner, at least, that’s what the Resistance needed to think. He could send them a holo of you in chains and say the only way that they could guarantee your survival was to send him his son, of course assuring them that no harm would come to him. But would his mother truly follow through with such a thing or would she see through his ruse? She was the only other person besides you who could really make a deliberate effort to understand the way that he thought, and he suspected that on some level she knew how he felt about you. He wasn’t sure what exactly led him to this conclusion, but it was a concern nonetheless.

               He wants to ask if there’s something he could do, some way to make you stay, but he can’t, and he knows he can’t, not just because he’s afraid of hearing the trepidation in your answer. He had been devoting his mental energy to making sure that Snoke couldn’t get into his thoughts and he hoped that he didn’t realize that you were here. If he did, there was no telling what he would make Ren do, and he almost couldn’t bring himself to relax with that threat hanging over him. If anything happened to you because he had been unwilling to let you go, he didn’t think he would ever be able to forgive himself. He had let you go once before in order to save you, and he had to be willing to put his feelings aside if he truly cared for you. It didn’t matter if your affection for him was authentic; he had bound himself to you. The pull told him that he could put his trust in you, that you wanted him as much as he wanted you, but he couldn’t be sure if that was simply a fool’s hope masking and mocking his usually fine-tuned Force sensitivities.

               You look as though you want to say more but the words don’t come as you just cuddle into his chest, and he just wraps his arms around you as he closes his eyes and drinks you in, trying to prolong this moment for as long as he possibly could. It would inevitably come to an end, as it always unfortunately did, but in just this moment, it was okay. He could feel your heartbeat in your chest, sure and steady, he could feel your head against his shoulder and he could feel the way your fingertips just lazily brushed against his skin. He was beginning to think that you really did want this, that you really did mean it when you said you just wanted to be with him again, when there was a knock at the door, and that was when he knew that everything was about to go horribly, horribly wrong.

               He let out a grumble of annoyance the earned a small giggle from you as he reluctantly slipped out of bed and got dressed, making sure to slip his helmet over his head to conceal his features. There were still very few Storm Troopers who knew what he looked like underneath his helmet, and he wanted to keep it that way. He let the door slide open as he stood in front of it to conceal you from view behind him as he crossed his massive arms over his chest and glowered at the monotonous white helmet. “What could be so important that you would disturb me-?”

               “The Supreme Leader wishes to see you.” The reply is mechanical, and Ren can hear his sigh crackle through the voice distortion as his worst fears are confirmed. “And he wants you to bring the girl.”

               No, _that_ confirmed his worst fears. His head snaps up as he quickly uses the Force to slam the door back closed as quickly as possible before he spins around to face you. Why had you even come here? If there were answers you wanted, some bit of knowledge that he had, you hadn’t gotten it, and now you were going to lose your life for even trying. Was it worth it? If this was all that you had come for, if you had simply come just to savor the feeling of him pushing inside you once more, was it worth losing your life over?

               Without thinking, he pulls his helmet off with both hands as he hurls it towards you, not realizing the strength of the force behind his actions. Even still, you hold up a hand as you stop it in midair and send it crashing to the floor between you. You had never been that powerful before, and that was when he knew that you really had changed. You were not the same person that you were back on the Starkiller Base, malleable and obedient. No, now you were clearly a threat to him, and that was something that he was sure that Snoke knew as well.

               “I told you not to stay,” he yells, his upper arms trembling with rage as he restrains himself from attacking something, anything in the room. “I told you to leave. I told you to go-”

               “I’ll go now,” you tell him, although your eyes are wide and your voice is quickly adopting a nervous edge, as if you hadn’t honestly thought this through enough. Were you really that stupid? Did you really think your presence here would just go unnoticed? _Why had you come?_ Not that it mattered now. No. It didn’t. Now it was too late. “It’s not that big a deal, I’ll just-”

               “No.” Ren clenches his jaw, grinding his teeth together as he looks you over, probably for the last time. “No, you will come with me. Get dressed.”

               “Fine,” you snap, and Ren lets his gaze soften before he just shakes his head and starts to get dressed himself. This was your fault, he told himself, and he could not and would not be responsible for your mistakes. You had come here and refused to tell him why. If he had known, it was possible that he could have worked with you, made some sort of a plan, but no, he had respected your privacy and not entered your mind while you were sleeping. Although it was more than possible that the scavenger had helped fortify your shield that he couldn’t get in even then, you would have given way to him if he had pushed, he was almost sure of it.

               Still, his expression softens as he turns around to see you standing in front of him, looking both remorseful and repentant. As he reaches down to pick up his helmet, you slip your hands around his face as you kiss him, bringing your lips to his as you kiss him softly. He allows you to do it, making only the smallest attempt to kiss you back.

               “I love you,” you say firmly. “I know you won’t say it back, and you don’t have to, but I know you want to hear me say it, so, there it is. I love you, no matter what happens next.”

               He hesitates for a moment, considers perhaps saying it back, considers perhaps confessing how he feels, but he can’t bring himself to surrender to that weakness, not now, not when he was about to face the Supreme Leader, who was probably attuned to his thoughts even now. In fact, he can’t bring himself to say much of anything, not as he turns and heads out into the hallway, letting you trail along beside him. It almost concerns him how you don’t seem to be the least bit afraid or even apprehensive about meeting the Supreme Leader. He had feared this day for so long back on the Starkiller Base that it almost seemed second nature to him, but you seemed more or less resolved to meet your fate unflinchingly. In the back of his mind, he knew that there was only one way that this could play out, and the odds did not look auspicious for either of you.

               He leads you down into a different part of the ship not far from his command center where he had often met with Snoke. It was a large room, void of any tables or chairs, and the hologram of Snoke stood as tall and imposing as ever in the back of the room. Out of the corner of his eye, Ren tries to glance at you but only finds the blackness of his mask contained within due to the limited visibility of his helmet, and he doesn’t dare turn to face you directly. Even still, he can still feel your myriad of emotions through the Force bond, and he can tell that you’re just as conflicted about what to feel as he is.

               He can feel an involuntary shiver run through you as Snoke whispers your name in a low, displeased growl, and for the first time it almost seems as though you understand the magnitude of the situation that you were finally finding yourself in. In the back of his mind, Ren supposed that this was always inevitable, no matter how much he wished against it, no matter how much he had tried to protect you from it, this might have always been the will of the Force. Maybe you were supposed to come back so that he could embrace the darkness within him and eliminate his pull to the light once and for all. A part of him almost couldn’t believe that it would be true, but it was starting to seem that this was the only way that this journey would end.

               He can feel your fear as you approach the giant hologram, but there is absolutely nothing he can do now. He was here, you were here, and while in the back of his mind he was hoping that Snoke would say that he could keep you, could train you again as he had once offered, he knew that he could sense what he could as well. You had been trained by the scavenger, had connections to _Luke_ , and there was no way he was going to let you walk off this ship alive.

               “Supreme Leader.” Ren drops down to one knee and removes his helmet in reverence, placing it on the floor beside him. He can feel your confusion and your fear pricking down the length of his back, but he just gazes determinedly down at the floor as he refuses to look at you. Whatever happened now, it was out of his hands. He had always believed that meeting you had been the will of the Force, and if the Force dictated that this would be where you met your end, then so be it.

               “So this is the girl,” Snoke muses, glancing at you before he glances down at Ren. “This is the girl that you allow to have so much power over you.”

               “I don’t have any power over him.” The reply is firm, immediate, and Ren spins around to stare up at you in shock. Did you honestly have no respect for the power that he possessed? You could feel it, he was sure of that, but how could you be so stupid as to challenge him in such a way? He silently reaches out to you with his mind, begging you to just keep quiet, but you don’t seem to acknowledge his protests as you continue. “He has so far carried out all of your instructions, hasn’t he? He’s done everything you asked. I’m not getting in the way of that.”

               “Bold,” Snoke muses as he continues to study you, and Ren just glances back down at the floor as he tries to come to some sort of conclusion as to what to do. He was going to have to make a choice now, between Snoke and you. He knew what choice he _wanted_ to make, but he just wasn’t sure that it was the right one. He had fought so hard and worked so long for this, and to give it all up now to face certain imprisonment if he tried to wrestle his son out of the hands of the Resistance? He wasn’t sure what to do. He just wasn’t sure, and thus he remained resolute to insist that the matter was completely out of his hands.

               “But you are keeping him from his full potential,” Snoke notes after he’s given enough time for his words to sink in. “You, and the _child_.” The way he breathes this last word sends shivers down Ren’s spine and he can’t help but shudder under their weight. Yet, if you were intimidated, you showed no sign of it.

               “You will not _touch_ Ani,” you say firmly, and Ren can practically feel the fire spilling out from behind your words. “You will never have him, never train him, never even get close.”

               Why were you so set to challenge him? Why? If you just played along there was possibly a chance that you could join him, not that he could see you ever truly doing that either, not after all that had happened but surely it was better than losing your life?

               “You are devoted to him, as you are to Ren,” Snoke notes as he moves his hand towards Ren, and something flickers in the back of his mind. _Devoted?_ He can’t bring himself to look up at you, and yet for a moment he almost dares himself to believe that what you had said were true, that each statement of affection you uttered was genuine. You had waited for him. You still wanted to be with him. He wasn’t sure how he could come to terms with that, although it looked like he wasn’t going to be given much choice in the matter. “You are stronger, if Ren had not sent you away, I would have allowed him to have formally trained you as his apprentice to embrace the dark side of the Force. But he was weak, and so he remains. He sent you away to preserve your light, and he continues to allow himself to be seduced.”

               Ren stiffens considerably. He had no idea if this was something that you had been able to piece together yourself, but he can barely sense your thoughts as you attempt to shield them from him, from Snoke, from everyone around you. But that didn’t matter now. What mattered that it was more than clear that Snoke viewed you as a clear threat, and he could not imagine that he would allow you to live. Even still, he feels required to at least make some small bid in your defense. “Supreme Leader-”

               “Silence,” Snoke commands, and Ren quickly dips his head back down, lest he incite his rage further. “I have waited for this moment for a long time, to see Ren finally reach his full potential. Taking the life of Han Solo was his first step; you shall be his last.” Ren can feel your fear suddenly strike him like a wave as you reach out to him with your mind, almost begging him to counter what Snoke was saying. But he couldn’t. He had known that this moment was coming from this first time you stepped on board. Snoke had been counting on it, while he had been against it. He had been submissively following Snoke’s orders while silently begging you to do the opposite, and in that he had chosen a side. It didn’t matter that he had tried to convince himself that you had moved on, that you were over him, or that you had merely tricked him into the bond; it was there now, and Ren did not want to be the one to sever it.

               “This is the final test to complete your training,” Snoke continues as he turns to him. “End her life and sever your pull to the light once and for all. Only then will you achieve the power to carry on your grandfather’s legacy. Only then will you achieve the greatness you were destined for.”

               When he had murdered Han Solo, he had found himself weakened by the action. He had regretted it, and the action had haunted him every day since. He didn’t want to feel this way anymore. He didn’t want to be in pain or conflicted and he knew that his hold to the light was the only thing that was keeping him in this fragile state of abeyance. As soon as he severed his hold to the light, he wouldn’t feel the remorse or the guilt or the sick sense of shame that accompanied all his thoughts when he thought about what he had done by turning on Luke and his family. His father was right, had been right: Snoke had been using him for his power, but every decision he made pushed him past the point of forgiveness, past the point of turning back. It was too late to make amends with his mother, too late to make amends with you, and he knew that if he was to end your life that he would be free of all of this guilt and this pain once and for all.

               When he opens his eyes, his mind is set and clear. He didn’t want to take your life, but he had no other choice. The only way he could be free, to ever be free, was to surrender himself to the dark side once and for all. Only there would he achieve the greatness he had worked so hard for. This was why he had ventured time and time again; he simply was not strong enough, but once he committed this final deed, all of his fears would be put to rest and he could finally do what it was he set out to do all those years ago.

               “Yes, Supreme Leader,” he says as he climbs to his feet, although his motions feel stiff and robotic, as if he was silently fighting with a part of himself to do this. In the very back of his mind he could feel Snoke pushing him, urging him forward, reminding him that his confusion would end as soon as you were gone. Maybe his doubts were simply a result of the tension of the Force bond pulling him between the light and the dark, but if that was the case, he would soon find out. He uses the Force to summon his lightsaber into his hand, and the red, crimson blade appears in an instant. He stares down at it for a moment, almost afraid to look at you and see what expression he might find there? Hatred? Anger? But when he finally brings himself to meet your gaze, all he can find was fear and confusion and…pity?

               The last emotion feels like a knife being twisted into his gut, and he allows this sudden flash of anger to drive him forward as he charges at you with his blade outstretched. You suddenly jump to the side as he swings it down in a strike, and his vision is momentarily blinded by the shower of sparks that erupt from the metal wall that he had struck instead. He turns to watch you run to the door, but it was sealed: Snoke wasn’t going to let you escape. It would be so easy for him to simply let you escape and choose not to pursue you, and then you would know that it was too dangerous to ever see him again and he would never have another chance to take your life. It was clear that Snoke wanted to make sure that that never happened again.

               “You don’t have to do this, Kylo,” you remind him as you back away from him, hands raised slightly as if in surrender. “This isn’t who you are.”

               Like you would even know.

               “I do.”

               He comes at you again, but each moment still feels forced and deliberate, as if it was someone else inside his body that was helping him swing his saber in your direction. Was this really what he wanted? Did it matter what he wanted? He did bad things, and now he was going to be punished for them. As much as he wanted to believe that you were the enemy, that you were the one who couldn’t be trusted, he couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t force himself to believe it. You had cared for him once, hadn’t you? You had gone over to the Resistance, but then you had come back. Was it really because you truly cared for him and wanted to be with him again? Could that truly be possible?

               “We can do this together,” you tell him, your voice wavering slightly as you continue to dodge his half-hearted attacks. “We can leave this room, leave this ship, and never look back.”

               Then again, you would say anything to save your own skin.

               “I can’t.”

               _End these games_ , Snoke thunders in the back of his mind, and Ren stretches his arm out now, freezing your body in place to prevent you from moving with the Force.

               “No, Kylo, no-” He watches as you close your eyes and try to focus your energy, but it’s too late, there’s nothing you can do. You’re too unfocused and unsure of yourself to properly channel your Force abilities and try to free his hold on you. You may have been stronger before, but now you were perhaps as weak as you had ever been. He remembered when he had picked you up after Hux had locked you in that cell. You were so pitiful and helpless, much like you were now. You hadn’t been able to free yourself then, and you wouldn’t be able to free yourself now. You had only been in that position because of him, were in this one because of him, and he knew implicitly that if you somehow managed to survive this, that he would inevitably put your life in jeopardy in the future if you continued to be around him. It seemed he was cursed to destroy anyone that he cared for, and you, it turns out, were no exception.

               _I’m sorry._

               He reaches out to you one final time before he’s prepared to strike the final below when suddenly your eyes shoot open. In one moment, your movements went from cowering to defensive as you punched one hand into your other fist for support and smashed at the inner side of his wrist with both hands. He was expecting an attack through the Force, not such a physical encounter, and he could feel the hilt of his lightsaber slip out of his hands as it skittered across the floor, just out of his reach. He turns to you quickly, surprised to find your face set with new purpose.

               “It’s not my job to save you,” you yell, your hands balling into fists at your sides. “But it looks like I’m going to have to do it anyway.”

               You rush at him suddenly as you throw a punch towards his chest, but he’s just barely able to block it in time as he takes a step back. You’re so close to him now, and as you put up your hands in front of your face, he can see you spurring him on, encouraging him to fight like you used to. It had been so long since he engaged in hand to hand combat, but this seemed like a much more fair way of defeating you if he had to do it. He didn’t want to strike you down like you were just another defenseless victim, no, if you had to die, he wanted your death to mean so much more than that. If you had to go out, you would want to go out fighting, and he would not take that from you.

               Still, it’s a fight that you’re still clearly losing. Ren is physically much stronger than you, and it is quite obvious as he blocks your punch, grabbing your hand and twisting your arm around in an uncomfortable position, but not pushed to the point where it would snap. He can literally hear you gritting your teeth together in pain before you bring your leg up and around to kick him squarely in the abdomen, knocking him backwards a few steps. “Kylo, you don’t have to do this,” you plead. “Please, I love you.”

               Maybe that was true, maybe it wasn’t, but that didn’t matter. Your affections for him would not save you from your fate. “It’s not enough.”

               He can sense your frustration as you come at him again, lunging towards him as you fight with everything you have, but that’s not enough either. You’re drawing from your anger, and you were nowhere near as entrenched in the dark side as he was in order to channel it properly. You hated him right now, he could sense it. You hated him, you hated the situation, you hated that this was the way it was clear your life was going to end. He didn’t know why you had come out here, whether it was to help aid the Resistance or not, but that didn’t matter now. This wasn’t about the Resistance. This was about him and you and the fragile, delicate balance that had always existed between you. You were constantly pulling him towards the light, but in turn, he was constantly pulling you to the dark side, and even if you made it through today, being with him would inevitably lead to your death.

               And you knew it. You had always known it, and he could feel the amount of hatred and frustration that you fueled into yourself for not realizing it sooner. It wasn’t giving you strength nor satisfaction, but at least confronting the truth might be a small solace before you died, if that was what you truly wished for. The more you fought, the more apathetic he became to your fate, and as you plant a firm kick to his side, he barely even registers your flash of pain as he grabs your leg and pushes you over, knocking you onto your back on the floor.

               He’s about to tell you that this is it, that this is the end, as you lay defenseless on the floor in front of him, but it appears that you were smarter than he gave you credit for. Yes, he had knocked you to the ground, but he had also pushed you directly into the path of his lightsaber. With interest, he stops his advance as he watches you stretch out your hand to grab it, pulling it into your palm through the power of the Force. As you climb shakily to your feet, Ren watches you hold it out in front of you, watches you try to focus…and watches as you manage to pull the crimson blade from its hilt.

               You shouldn’t have been able to do that.

               He stares you down now, suddenly appreciating the gravity of the situation. You shouldn’t have been able to wield it. He almost couldn’t believe that you had done it once before, and Snoke had surmised that the only reason that you had been able to do it then was because you had taken advantage of the Force bond, because he had allowed himself to loosen his guard around you. But his guard was raised as high as it possibly could now, his mental shield fortified against the bond that pulled you together, and yet you were still able to do it.

               “You’re not going to kill me,” Ren points out as he walks to one side, studying you intently. “You can’t.”

               “I can’t kill you,” you admit. “But I can defend myself with it. Maybe you won’t die, but I don’t think you’d be too happy about losing an arm or a leg.”

               You meant it. He could hear it in your voice, that you were intent on protecting yourself through whatever means necessary. While he had seemed determined that you were going to lose your life here today, you were not ready for it to end yet. You were going to fight, and Ren was starting to suspect that there was a very real chance that your positions had been reversed. He didn’t know if he had what it took to kill you, and maybe that was what Snoke was counting on. Maybe Snoke had lured you here now not for Ani, but for you. He had no idea how killing him would affect you, but it was possible that Snoke could use that to manipulate you to turning to the dark side.

               No. That could not happen. The only thing worse than taking your life was watching Snoke take it in the worst way possible. You were good and you were pure, and he would not allow Snoke’s manipulations to corrupt you like he himself had once been corrupted. Fueled by new strength, he holds up one hand and immediately the lightsaber starts to tremble as he wills it towards himself.

               “No-” You close your eyes and focus your strength, and finally it’s a battle of the Force, trying to see who would gain the upper hand. Ren was suddenly almost just as unsure as you were, and the mental pull went back and forth, back and forth, each side intent on trying to find a victor in this seemingly futile struggle. It didn’t matter who lived or who died today; there would be no victory, for either of you.

               Suddenly your connection wavers as you glance away from him and turn your head towards Snoke. “I’m not going to kill him,” you tell him. “You can’t control me, not now, not ever.”

               So it was as he had feared. Snoke was trying to tame her, to pull her down to the dark side of the Force and replace him as his apprentice, and that was something that he would never allow to happen. Taking advantage of the distraction and fueled on by new energy, Ren uses the Force to shove the hilt of the lightsaber forcibly in his direction. Still, he’s surprised to see the grip on his lightsaber is still strong as you refuse to let go, and you’re dragged forward as he summons it back into his hands. Just as he’s about to grab it, you let go and put your hands on his chest, using the Force to push him back as hard as you can. He wasn’t expecting that, and as he stumbles backwards in an attempt to catch his footing, he watches you fall onto your back from the recoil. The lightsaber was directly in front of you, and as you reach out to grab it, he uses the Force to pull it towards him.

               Suddenly it was like time had stopped. You were standing directly in front of him now, he could see the drops of sweat in your hairline as you stood with his face only inches from yours. Slowly, you tilt your chin down to see the hilt of the lightsaber pressed into your abdomen, and as Snoke’s chuckle reaches his ears, he knows that that’s it. It’s done. There were no more ruses, no more games, no more distractions. It would take no more than a moment for him to ignite his lightsaber, and in that moment, he would watch the light drain from your eyes, just as he had done to his father.

               “I told you to leave,” he says quietly, unable to bring himself to admit what he truly wanted to.

               This was his fault. It was his fault that you were in this position. He should never have pursued you back on the Starkiller Base. Instead, he should have simply done what he had initially said he was going to do and let you go back home to your academia, untrained, where you wouldn’t have been a threat to anyone. The memories flash through his mind as he remembers how he had kissed you, how he had choked you, how he had slowly become more and more enamored with you. He remembered how he had seen your future and his before he even knew that that was what he was seeing. He remembered the child’s laugh he heard in the back of his mind…

               …that had been the Force. That had been the Force letting him know that he was on the right path. It was possible that the Force was simply showing him how this would always have turned out, but if that was true, then it didn’t truly make much of a difference what he decided to do. Either the Force was there to guide him, or the Force merely granted him insight into getting a glimpse at an inevitable future that was impossible to change.

               He can hear a small whimper emerge from the back of your throat and that noise quickly stirs a memory within him. He remembered when you had made that noise before, when he had shown his lightsaber to you for the first time. He had used the Force to make it seem like he was going to force you to touch it, only to extinguish it at the last second. It had been a cruel exercise to make you remember that he wasn’t going to hurt you with it, that he could _never_ bring himself to hurt you with it. Looking back, he could have only imagined how that that must have terrified you, but instead he had earned your trust. You had trusted him to keep his word, and now he was going to break it.

               He couldn’t do it. It took him only a moment to realize it, but what Snoke was asking of him was impossible. He had barely been able to overcome killing his own father, and that relationship had been as strained and tense as he could possibly have imagined. If he had gone through with it and wished he hadn’t, how was he going to survive killing you? You were the only one who had ever truly loved him, who saw what he was and cared for him in spite of it. He had almost killed you, had almost taken your life, and yet you still came back to him, even after years of abandonment.

               It suddenly struck him that he had abandoned not just you, but your son as well. How was he even able to call him his own son? He had seen him when he was so young, he probably didn’t even remember him. Could he do that? Could he really butcher the mother of his son? He had killed scores of other people, women, children, it hadn’t made a difference to him before, but it suddenly did now. How would his own son grow up if he ever found out that his father had murdered his mother? Would it turn him to the dark side? Was that what Snoke was really hoping for?

               _You need to kill her_ , Snoke’s voice comes unbidden into his mind, and he closes his eyes in defeat. _All that you have worked for, all of your training, has prepared you for this moment. She has deceived you. If you think she cares for you, you are wrong. She seeks to distract you from your ultimate purpose, from your destiny. Do this now, and you shall be freed from your pain forever._

               You’re trembling in front of him now, and while it doesn’t look like you were truly there to trick him, what if Snoke was right? What if you were really here on some mission from the Resistance and sought to bring him back in chains? He didn’t know how you had planned to accomplish such a task alone, and to tell the truth, he hadn’t looked simply because he was afraid to confirm his suspicions. And if he was so afraid of looking, it only meant that this was something he knew all along and simply chose not to give himself a reason to act on it.

               No, Snoke was right. If he did this he would be free of the burden that had plagued him for years and years and he would finally be free of _all_ of the guilt. You could love him, but you could not erase the pain that his past misdeeds had caused him, and if this was the final test to unshackle him from the burdens that weighed so heavily on his shoulders, then so be it.

               _I’m sorry_ , he offers. An apology seems completely useless, and yet he can’t help but utter the words regardless. This isn’t how he wanted your last moments together to be like. He remembered the final kiss, remembered you shouting his name into the cold night air as he turned his back on you, and that’s how he should have left it. He should never have let Snoke convince him to reach out to you and drag you back into danger. But he had, and it was done now. All of this was done. He could keep stalling and waiting, but it would only postpone what was surely inevitable.

               “Kylo, I forgive you.”

               Your voice hurts his ears. Its loud and raw and full of emotion and fear as you bring your lips to his for a final time. He could feel some spark, some new sense of raw energy flow through him at the contact, and for a moment he couldn’t figure out what it was. This was something he wasn’t sure he had ever experienced before, and he wasn’t quite sure if it was coming from him or from you. The feeling was almost akin to watching a scar heal over, watching the jagged, crimson stain become only a small pink sliver that faded into obscurity.

               You knew the pain that this would cause him, the grief, and you wanted to take it from him before he ever felt it. Why would you even utter those words unless you really were as good and as pure as he had always imagined you to be? And yet, even as he furthered his resolve to just get this over with once and for all, a part of him still held back. A part of him felt something familiar in the kiss, in the raw sense of energy that he felt. Snoke had told him that he could only be freed of this guilt through the dark side of the Force, by becoming so separated from his old sense of self that he could no longer claim ownership of his actions.

               But maybe there was another way. Maybe through the light side of the Force, he could be healed. Maybe that was what you were trying to do right now, whether you were consciously aware of it or not, maybe you were trying to heal him, to show him that there could be another way. He could attempt to make reparations for his actions; if you could forgive him for this final act, surely you could forgive him for everything else he had done to you? He couldn’t make reparations for everything he had done, some things just couldn’t be forgiven, but maybe some past regrets didn’t have to be as permanent as he imagined them to be. Maybe he could still be with you. Maybe he could still be a father to his son and be there for him in ways that his father never was.

               He closed his eyes and concentrated on the will of the Force, letting it flow through him, trying to will himself to open himself up to its energy. Before he had always focused on the dark side of the Force and tried to ignore the light that was continuously calling out to him, but now he opened himself up to both. He could hear Snoke’s furious snarl in the back of his mind, urging him to commit the final deed, but he could not, not until he was sure that this was what truly was what was supposed to be. The Force had brought you to him, he had known that, he had always known that, but did it send you to him merely as a pawn to be destroyed to lead him to the dark side of the Force and his destiny as he perceived it, or was it trying to show him that he was wrong? As much as he didn’t want to let go of everything he had tried to do for the Order, maybe his recent string of failures were just further proof that this was never the path he was meant to follow.

               Suddenly, he hears a voice in the back of his mind, one that he had not heard for years and years. It was a voice that he had come to loathe, and yet in this moment, he could almost say that he welcomed it. _All will be as the Force wills it,_ Luke had told him once, and that was exactly what he needed to discern now. What did the Force want?

               He tried to let go of all of his fears and his doubts and simply exist in that fragile space in time that stood between your death and his freedom from the light forever as he called out to the Force, almost begging for an answer to ease him of the pain of making this decision once and for all.

               _If this is not the will of the Force, if this is not the way, then grant me a sign. Show me another path._

The response is almost instantaneous. An explosion suddenly rocked the ship, and Ren found himself being thrown backwards, the lightsaber slipping out of his grip as it skittered onto the floor out of his reach. As he sat up slowly, trying to ignore the ache where the back of his head had struck the ground beneath him, he suddenly became aware of how he seemed to notice everything at once. The hologram of Snoke had vanished completely, and he no longer felt his presence. His helmet was in the corner of the room, seemingly out of his reach. He slowly got to his feet as the sounds of battle alarms blaring in the distance reached his ears, and he knew he would have to leave quickly. He summoned the lightsaber to his hands as he looked up to see you lying on your side. It looked like you had taken quite a hit, and the blast had rendered you seemingly unconscious.

               He could do it, right now, and you wouldn’t struggle. You wouldn’t fight it. In fact, you wouldn’t feel a thing. It would be a small mercy, in a way, to take someone’s life in the most painless way possible. He would still be able to free himself of the light, and you wouldn’t have to suffer. All things considered, it seemed the best, most favorable way, to take someone’s life from them.

               But he couldn’t take yours. He had asked for a sign, and the Force had provided one immediately. Snoke was gone, and you were here, vulnerable and at his mercy, just like you had been on the Starkiller Base. But while before he had chosen to give in to the Force bond between you, this time he was not giving into it. He was accepting it.

               He walks over and kneels down beside you, brushing your hair back out of your face. You wince as he makes contact and try to sit up, but it’s clear that you’ve taken too much of a hit and will need some time to recover. He could hear the alarms sound again, louder this time, warning of another impending strike.

               “We need to go.”

               He clipped the lightsaber to his belt as he picked you up and tossed you over one shoulder, walking out into the hallway while his helmet lay still discarded in the corner of the room. He didn’t need it anymore. He was walking away from this, from all of this. He was tired of being manipulated and forced to choose between what he wanted and what was supposedly his future, his destiny. Snoke had promised him greatness, and yet he saw none. It was possible that it was just beyond his reach, that your death would grant that to him, but that was not something he was willing to risk. For a moment, he had felt something better than power, he had thought he had felt peace, and he knew he could only achieve that from making amends with you and your son. He didn’t know if it was possible, but that was his mission now, and he would stop at nothing to see it done.

               And that was that. As Storm Troopers filed past him in the halls, fighting to protect the First Order with their lives, he almost found himself wishing them luck. They would continue to stay and fight and give their lives for a cause that they didn’t even believe in. He had believed in it, long ago, but now his time with the First Order was done.

               It was time to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It would be cruel to cut through anything else, so we'll see a natural continuation of where the story goes from here to the next few chapters...Kylo's capture on the Resolute, to the journey to D'Qar from his perspective and, of course, the first conversation he has with Leia. Again something that I really wished I had been able to write into the trilogy proper, but at least you get to read it now! Until next Friday, cheers!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Candle in the Night  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel to chapter 29, the escape from the Resolute  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader, Rey, Poe Dameron, Finn, Chewbacca, Leia

               As another explosion rocks the ship, Kylo Ren quickly makes his way through the hallways with you over one shoulder, intending on taking off from this ship as fast as possible. Considering how the Force had made it clear that it wanted him to spare your life, he would have thought that it would have guided him into a hasty escape as well, but apparently that was not going to be the case.

               “STOP.”

               Ren’s feet immediately freeze as he looks out over the long bridge to see the scavenger standing in its center, blocking his path from reaching the other side.

               _Put her down, Ren._

_Gladly._

The scavenger had been getting stronger and stronger ever since their first encounter on Takodana, and he was not about to risk losing to her again. He stoops slowly as he sets you down just beside the doorway, pulling out his lightsaber and igniting it before he turns his attention away from you. It seemed that you were still too weak to move, and he had to admit that, oddly enough, that almost worked in his favor. He wasn’t quite sure if you would run from him, given the chance, and now that he had resolved to making you his priority, he didn’t want you to run from him again. This time, he was going to make things right.

               And it had to start with killing the scavenger. He knew that she had become your friend, but she was much too dangerous to be kept alive. She would kill him just as soon as he would kill her, he didn’t have a doubt in his mind about that. As he approaches, she ignites the blue of her own lightsaber, pulling it up in front of her chest as she holds it out at an angle, getting ready to fight. He swings his own lightsaber in loose circles on either side of his body as he approaches, reminding her that this was _his_ ship, and that he had the upper hand. The last time they had fought, she had won, but only because he had started to doubt if what he was fighting for was even worth it. But now he was fighting for you, to protect you and himself, and he wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of that again.

               “You’re in my way, scavenger.”

               “We’re taking you back with us,” Rey says firmly as she brandishes her lightsaber again, and Ren can’t help but let out an incredulous snort. So that had been your plan all along then? To try to lead him back to the Resistance? Is that why you had left Ani there, in the hopes that you might be able to convince him to return and see his son? He couldn’t imagine you ever believing he would fall for so foolish of an idea, but then again, perhaps it wasn’t your idea. “It’s over. The First Order is lost.”

               _That_ he couldn’t argue with, and he stays silent as he just swings his lightsaber out towards her in an underhanded strike. She blocks it and quickly counters with a move of her own, swinging her arm down as she pushes him back. She attempts to plant a kick into his side as she had done all those years ago at the Starkiller Base, but he is quick to avoid it, pushing her off of her balance with the Force. She lets out a nervous cry as she quickly grabs at the railing for support, careful not to accidently slip over the edge.

               _Kylo, stop, just give up._

He can hear your voice in the back of his mind, soft and weary, but he couldn’t give up, it was far too late for that. Did you really think that he would let you just lead him back to the Resistance to be put up for slaughter? No, that would never happen. He would not allow himself to be put in that position. He had almost been captured by the Resistance before, and he was determined to never let him put himself in such a position ever again.

               As he continues to duel, he is suddenly aware of a shuffle of movement behind him as he senses another unwelcome presence enter the room. Someone was there, talking to you, and while he couldn’t hear the words that were being said over the clash and crackle of the lightsabers hitting against each other, he could feel your warm energy. This was someone that you liked, someone that you wanted to see, and for a moment a pulse of confusion shoots through him as he tried to think about who it could be. Ladson? No, this energy felt different in a way that he couldn’t quite describe.

               He uses the Force to push Rey back further down the platform to give him time to turn around and look to see for himself, but his brain almost can’t comprehend what it is exactly that he’s seeing. The Resistance pilot, supposedly the best the Resistance had to offer, was kneeling over you, fingers against your cheek as he pressed his lips against yours. And you did not pull away. Instead, you welcomed the action with almost a sense of giddy excitement that quickly vanished as it was replaced by guilt when you realized he was watching.

               So this is what you had been hiding from him. He had sensed that there was more that you didn’t want to say, more that you had been keeping from him, but he hadn’t looked because he had trusted you. How could he have been so _stupid_? This entire time he had thought you were sincere when you said that you still loved him, when you said you still wanted to be with him, but instead it was suddenly clear to him that you had moved on. He remembered seeing in Sadie’s mind the way that that pilot had looked at you, but he had suppressed his jealousy because he knew that you were his and you would never-

               But you weren’t his, at least, maybe not anymore. He had left you, and while he wasn’t sure whether he hated you or himself more, he couldn’t help but think that maybe Snoke had been right all along. If you were with the pilot now, then that meant that you no longer wanted to be with him, didn’t it? But what about the last few days. You had seemed so sincere, so…

               Suddenly the scavenger hurls a strike against his side, and he almost doesn’t dodge it in time. As he strikes back, he’s momentarily distracted by the small group of Storm Troopers that have entered the room, and he can see the pilot pull you out of their line of fire. Where was he taking you? To the hangar? Was he pulling you to escape with him? As he tried to turn his attention back to the scavenger, he couldn’t help but let the shock flood through his system. He had thought that you would be loyal to him, would _always_ be loyal to him, and yet apparently you had decided somewhere in the years of isolation that he was never coming back for you and you had moved on.

               A part of him couldn’t help but resign himself to the fact that maybe that was for the best. After all, wasn’t he debating as to whether or not to seriously take your life no more than an hour prior? He wanted you, but your son was back on the Resistance base, and you needed to go home to him. But now it was clear to him that he could no longer go with you, not that that had ever truly been an option that he had seriously entertained. He would only face his death there, and that was something that he wasn’t ready for. He wasn’t sure what he would do now that he had failed Supreme Leader Snoke, but he would find something, although he wasn’t sure what.

               He couldn’t help but feel lost, and he could almost feel his anger slipping away from him as his frustration was replaced by sadness, by a tingling sense of numbness in his core as he thought about you finding the pleasure you used to find in him in someone else. Part of him demanded answers, demanded to know when and why, but he knew that those were answers that he wasn’t going to get if you ever escaped, and it was clear that the scavenger wasn’t going to let him go running after you. As his moves became weakened, she seemed to sense this as her attacks became stronger and more focused, each attack well-timed and each motion fluid and deliberate.

               There’s an explosion from somewhere behind him as a thermal detonator explodes, and as the scavenger holds her hands up to shield herself from the blast, he takes advantage of her hesitation to knock her back again, but this time, she’s prepared for it as she swings herself around the rails and tries to subdue him with an overhead slash. He drops to one knee as he counters it and quickly pushes her off, slashing at her thigh with one focused strike. She lets out a small hiss, but unfortunately it looked like the wound was superficial, burning away only a portion of the material of her tunic.

               Still, even with his successful attack, he can quickly sense that he’s becoming outnumbered as more people enter the room, and he doesn’t even need to turn around to hear the familiar growl of a Wookiee. He just barely manages to look over his shoulder before he sees the pilot on the ground with you beside him, and the traitorous FN-2187 running over to inspect the damage. Not only did you apparently leave him for someone of note from within the Resistance, your two new best friends were suddenly the traitor and the scavenger. How much had honestly changed since he’d been away?

               He turns back to rebuff another attack, but Rey suddenly backs off suddenly, her eyes darting past the bridge to something moving behind him. He turns quickly to watch you grab something that the traitor tossed in your direction, and you hold it up above your head as you expand the two glowing amber blades out of each side of its hilt. He can’t help but stare at you, completely mystified, as he struggled to find the words. A lightsaber? When did _you_ build a lightsaber? This was of your own construction, he could feel it, could feel the duality of the Kyber crystals that had produced the amber blades.

               Wait, you had built your own _lightsaber_? Apparently choosing to trust you and not searching through your thoughts had been the biggest mistake that he could have possibly made. He had seen your holo with the scavenger but had assumed that you had just borrowed a staff that she or Luke had given you. He knew that you could fight, but to actually have the skill and the mastery to successfully construct your own lightsaber meant that you truly were more powerful that he had originally wanted to admit to. He could sense that you were stronger physically, but apparently you were also a lot stronger in the ways of the Force than you had originally let on.

               “It’s time to go, Kylo,” you say quickly as you hold the glowing amber staff out in front of you. “Come on, we need to get to the hangar.”

               “You.” He can’t even find the words to say right now. So much anger, so much betrayal, surged up inside of him, and yet even then a part of him knew that it was only to help mask the disappointment he felt because he hadn’t been there. He hadn’t been there to help you build your own lightsaber with you, hadn’t been there to train you, hadn’t been there to even care for you, and in your isolation you turned to others. Did he really think that no one else would be able to recognize and appreciate the value that you had to offer? Why had he been so careless? He could have done more, he could have-

               “It’s done, Kylo,” you yell to him. “It’s all over now, and you’re coming with us one way or another.” You dim the power in your lightsaber a bit as you stretch out one hands towards him. “Please, just come with me. We can go back to the Resistance, together, _please_.”

               You’re sincere, he can hear it in your voice, but what did he possibly have to gain by going back there with you? You had effectively abandoned him for someone else, and what could he possibly hope to gain by going back with you to the Resistance aside from an early death sentence? No, you had made your decision when you agreed to go with the pilot off to D’Qar, and now he was making a decision here.

               He charges at you with a spin, slashing at the bridge cables to send the scavenger falling into the abyss below, before he lunges at you. You hold up your staff and spin it to the side to block his overhead strike, tilting it the other way to block another blow to the side. From behind you, he can sense the scavenger regaining her footing as she leaps back onto the platform, and suddenly it was more than clear to him that this was a fight that he might not actually be able to get out of. Chewbacca was standing on the sidelines with his bowcaster at the ready if he tried to escape, FN-2187 was right there with his blaster, and he was cornered by both you and the scavenger. There was no escape that looked possible.

               But that didn’t mean he would go down without a fight. He swung his lightsaber this way and that, each move becoming more desperate and more erratic as he could feel the chances of him escaping diminishing. He had thought that it was ridiculous to think that the Resistance would have sent you in to distract him for a second time, but apparently he was the fool, foolish enough to think that you wouldn’t have come without some sort of plan of escape. He had severely underestimated you in almost every way that he could, and now it seemed he was going to pay the price for his incompetence.

               This only served to fuel his anger as his wild slashes grew more and more erratic as you and the scavenger forced him back towards the dead end of the walkway he had created. He had effectively cornered himself, and there was nothing left for him to do except to fight back with everything he had. He didn’t want to kill you, but he wasn’t quite sure if you were holding back, considering it had been your goal to bring him back to the Resistance from the very beginning. Idly, he couldn’t help but think about when Han Solo had once given him a similar option, asking him to turn away from Snoke and all that he had worked for and to come to the Resistance. If he felt that it had been too late for him then, it was definitely too late for that now.

               Just the thought of Han Solo brought up a new wave of guilt, and for a moment he found himself blinded by his fury and his apparent helplessness, a feeling that he hated most of all. Without thinking, he aimed a downwards strike towards your head that you couldn’t possibly block in time with your blades extended out at either side, but instead you do the unthinkable. In a moment of pure instinct, he watches as you raise the hilt of your lightsaber to block the attack, and watches as it somehow absorbs the full force of the strike.

               How was that even possible? Metals that could withstand the blow of the force from a lightsaber were a rarity in the galaxy, and yet you had seemingly crafted your lightsaber hilt out of this impenetrable material. Had that material just been lying around the Resistance base, or had you actively gone out and searched for your own parts as he had done, trying to construct your lightsaber out of the best materials available to you? He wanted to know. He wanted to talk with you and find out all that he had missed in the years that he had been away, and now it was starting to occur to him that he would never again have the opportunity to do that. 

               You must sense his sudden flash of weakness as you hold out your hand in a classic gesture of the force, calling out for the scavenger to do the same. He doesn’t feel anything for a moment, and then ever so suddenly, it’s as though a knife had been inserted straight through the center of his skull. He could feel as though each individual nerve ending in his brain was on fire, and he dropped to his knee as he struggled to banish the pain from his mind. Maybe if it had just been you, but with the collective force of the scavenger, he could do nothing but struggle and try to retain some semblance of consciousness, even as the world shifted into blackness around him.

               “Come on, Kylo, don’t fight this,” you urge, but he’s not ready to back down. He’s not ready to give up, and yet, it seems he can’t really do much more than that as he can feel himself slipping away. The pain seemed far away now, a dull ache that was focused in the center of his skull, and although he tried to pull himself closer to it, to bring himself back to something that would give him the strength to fight, he could not. He could only hope that you hadn’t betrayed him entirely as he shut his eyes and finally surrendered, not to the Force, but to you.

\---

               _“Can you take off okay?”_

_“Should be fine, as long as the shields hold.”_

_“Go! Start her up, I’ll buy you some time.”_

_“Wait-”_

A sudden explosion nearby made him nauseous, but he tried to push the feeling down and away as he tried to get some semblance of consciousness back. His head was still pounding, and he kept his eyes closed, both to try to quell the ache in the back of his skull and to try to get some sense of where he was. He was on a ship, that much was clear from the hum of the engines, and his nostrils would recognize the stench of that Wookiee’s fur anywhere. He could feel someone stir a few feet away from him, but it wasn’t you. He suddenly realized that he couldn’t feel the scavenger, and he couldn’t feel you.

               “Where is she?” His eyes are open in an instant as he searches the inside of the ship, but you’re nowhere to be seen. The pilot sitting across from you opens his mouth to speak, but closes it again as if he honestly wasn’t sure what to say. Suddenly, he could hear your startled cry as if you were struck by something, and he immediately got to his feet despite the pilot’s meager protests.

               _“Get her in I’m taking off!”_ He can hear Chewie’s cry from the cockpit, and as he reaches the top of the boarding ramp, he almost doesn’t have time to think as he sees a blaster bolt headed straight for you. While you flinch and hold up your hands to defend yourself, he doesn’t even hesitate as he suspends the bolt into the air in front of you. He knew that even in his present state he should have been too weak to hold it off for longer than a split second, but apparently he still cared more for you than he would dare admit even to himself. Still, he can’t hold it for long, and you quickly scoot out of the way as it crashes into the ramp.

               The hum of the engines is getting louder now as the ship prepares to take off, and you were still on the bottom of the boarding ramp as it was slowly starting to rise. The _Resolute_ was about to be destroyed, and it didn’t appear that he had time for a proper escape, nor was he going to leave you behind. Despite what you may have done, he suddenly had awoken with a new sense of clarity, and he was not going to leave you behind. He raises both his hands into the air as he pushes back the approaching Storm Troopers, holding off their blows to give you time to recover.

               “Take my hand,” he yells above the noise of the engines, and you quickly dash onto the boarding ramp, jumping up and grabbing his hands just as it’s about to close. He pulls you towards him with all the force he can muster, sealing you in his embrace as his arms fold around you. For a moment he lets you just take deep breaths in and out against his chest, a place where you obviously found comfort as he lets himself relax for just a moment. You were here. You were safe. It shouldn’t have mattered that much to him, but it clearly still did.

               Suddenly he can feel you press your lips against his, and he can honestly say that he wasn’t expecting that, not with your new lover so close by. Regardless, he kisses you back for just a moment, trying to steady himself, remind himself, of his new plan and purpose. Slowly, he pulls away from you as he narrows his eyes. “You betrayed me.”

               He wants to hear some sort of apology, but before you can even stammer a response, the ship lurches again and he quickly guides you back to where you were sitting to strap into your seats. He’s almost pleased to see you sitting down so close to him, where your knee gently brushed against his own. He watches you closely as you clutch your lightsaber tightly in both hands and take a deep breath, determinedly looking everywhere on the ship rather than at him or even Poe.

               There’s a cheer from up front, and he looks up to see FN-2187 engaging the hyperdrive as it pulled him away from the destruction of the _Resolute._ That had been _his_ ship, _his_ flagship, and now it was gone, along with everything else that he had sacrificed for. The only thing he had left now was his strained relationship with you and a son that he had never met since he was a baby. Hopefully that was something that would change once he finally arrived at your ultimate destination.

               “We made it.” FN-2187 lets out a laugh of relief as he turns back to face you, and you smile back as you return the thumbs-up gesture that he had extended towards you. You look over at the pilot who smiles and nods in your direction, although he still looks considerably wary. And he had good right to be. He was weak, and it probably wouldn’t require too much effort on Ren’s part to simply kill him and everyone else on board, besides you, of course, leaving him free to take control of the ship. But where would he go? You would never go anywhere with him without your son, which only meant that he would need to go to D’Qar regardless.

               Suddenly the conversation in the cabin falls silent, until Chewbacca let out a growl from near the front of the cockpit. “Just wait until your mother sees you, she is going to be _pissed_.”

               There was nothing he could say to that and so he resigns himself to simply scowling as he looks away, determined not to meet the eyes of anyone in the cabin. After all, he was effectively your prisoner. He was surrounded by traitors, betrayers, and people who would honestly rather see him dead than alive. He was sure that you were the only exception to this, sure that no matter what had happened that you wouldn’t be able to bring yourself to see his life come to an end, and he could use this to his advantage. Getting to D’Qar himself would be difficult, but if he was already there, how much would it require to convince you to run off and escape with him? It would be difficult to find somewhere to lie low for a while, but it could be done. He could find a quiet place, tucked away in the corner of the galaxy, where he could attempt to raise his son and begin to make amends with you.

               He tried to find some sort of faulty logic in his reasoning, but was almost disappointed to see that he found none. No, this was okay with him. This was good. Surprisingly, he almost dared himself to say that this was exactly what he wanted. He didn’t know when he had suddenly turned his back on trying to harness the power that he had craved or when his future with the First Order had begun to look so bleak, but here it was. In the back of his mind, Hux had always doubted his commitment to the First Order in favor of looking after his own personal interests, and he supposed in the end that Hux had finally been right about something.

               Suddenly he looks up to see the pilot staring directly at him, and his gaze immediately hardens as he appraises him. _This_ was the person he was in direct competition with for your affections? He had already glimpsed into his mind back on the Starkiller Base and saw just how much he craved the approval and acceptance of General Organa, as if he almost sought to replace him as her son. Ben Solo was already dead, but he would not allow himself to be replaced when it came to you. He was a decent pilot, but not as skilled as him, and while he might have been decent with a blaster, his mastery of the Force was non-existent. You weren’t bonded to the pilot in the same way that you were bonded to him, so then what was the point? Were you trying to make him jealous, or were you simply trying to move on with your life and put him behind you?

               “You’re not as intimidating without your mask,” he observes out loud, and Ren can’t help but snort to himself in dry amusement. He had no idea what he had hoped to gain by offering such a comment, but at least it gave him a reason to do what he wanted to do since he had first learned of what had transpired in your absence. He holds out one hand and focuses intently, slowly tapping into the pilot’s mind as he had done once before.

               There’s nothing at first, and then suddenly every thought, every memory, every bit of knowledge that the pilot had was at his fingertips. He could see them all now, the General’s orders, his first meeting with you, and he was once again pleased to see how you had knocked him out with your staff. He could see-

               “Kylo, stop,” you order. “Seriously, you’re hurting him. Don’t make me knock you out again.”

               He didn’t have a lot of time. Quickly he searches through the memories, through your own piloting training, where he could feel his emotions for you start to grow stronger with each passing day. It sickened him, but he pushed passed them as he struggled to see what he needed to see. There were plans in here, meeting with the General, important strategic information from the First Order that he needed to see, information that he needed remember-

               “What’s going on?” FN-2187 calls from the front, and it’s enough to break his concentration.

               He had to make a choice now, Resistance secrets or information about you. The choice was surprisingly more difficult than he originally wanted to give it credit for, but in the end he decided to pursue his initial intentions. After all, there was a great deal of Resistance information to sift through, and it was hard to tell if the plans that they had been discussing had already been completed and thus could be of little value to him. And if his life was truly forfeit, there wasn’t a true need to remember all of the events regardless.

               But something in here might prove useful when it came to escaping the base, and for that to happen, he needed to know just how things were between you. He could see that it was you who had finally made the first move, reaching up and kissing him quickly before you dashed away, as if you were embarrassed by the action.

               “Kylo, _stop_.”

               He didn’t have much time. Quickly, he skims over the rest of your short time together, from the duel to the sunset to seeing each other off before you finally went to see him on the _Resolute_. It seemed that while your attraction was mutual, this didn’t seem to be anything more than just a passing flirtation. You may have liked each other well enough, but it wasn’t serious by any means, and while you had slept beside him, you hadn’t even gotten close to being anywhere near intimate with him yet. Your feelings were still too conflicted, and before he pulls away, Ren catches a glimpse of something else, something that exceeded his expectations.

               It was the night of the duel, and you were lying in bed, in Poe’s arms. You had drifted off to sleep fairly quickly, but he had lain awake most of that night, fairly troubled by everything that had already occurred and everything that was about to. Before he had headed off that morning to attend to his own affairs, he had kissed your forehead quickly before struggling to pull away, but you had held firmly onto his arm, wrapping it in both of yours as he tried to free himself from your grasp.

               _“No, Kylo, no, don’t leave me, no…”_

Poe had stopped then, frozen to the floor, and while you had eventually released him as you rolled over and resumed your dreams, he couldn’t help but be troubled by what you had uttered in your sleep. He wanted to believe that you were over Ren, but you weren’t and this was proof of it. He knew that everything would more or less change once you got back from the _Resolute_ and he was trying his damned hardest to be patient, but he just couldn’t see how your loyalties could remain to someone who had treated you so badly, who had tortured and then abandoned you.

               And that was something he would never understand. He couldn’t understand the bond, and thus, he could never understand you, and Ren felt fairly confident in this thought as he finally severed the connection once and for all, pulling away as you extend the tip of your lightsaber blade, holding it no more than an inch from his face. He can’t help but smirk, still pleased by what he had seen, as he lowers his arm and settles back in his chair. Apparently, all of his previous concerns had been for nothing after all. You were still his; you would _always_ be his. Snoke had gotten him to doubt you once before, but that would never happen again.

               “There will be no mind probing of any kind on this ship,” FN-2187 calls back, as though he was the one who was in charge. “Can’t you just knock him out again?”

               “I will if he doesn’t behave himself,” you call back as you shoot a nasty look in his direction, but Ren is content to just settle back and smirk to himself, safe in the knowledge that you would do no such thing. He may have still been weak from the combined might of the earlier Force attack you and the scavenger had used against him, but the blow from earlier and the stress of the day’s events were still taking its toll on you too. He didn’t know who would win in a fight right now, but he was almost sure that he would be the victor. Most of your anger was drained now, and you couldn’t bring yourself to cause him any serious harm, he could sense it.

               Still, he’s momentarily displeased to see you unbuckle yourself and move to sit down beside the pilot as you brush his hair back off his forehead in a gentle, tender gesture that should have been reserved for him and him alone. It almost took him a moment to remember that while you had not been intimate with him, you still cared for him, and he couldn’t bring himself to take stock of his feelings right then. “Hey, you okay?”

               “Fine,” the pilot responds as he offers you a small smile, and as the pilot takes your hand in his, Ren can’t help but feel his jealousy mix with his anger as he watches you give him a small smile of your own, as if he wasn’t even there watching this nauseating scene unfold. He didn’t want to see this, and you seem to sense what lengths he’ll go to _not_ to see this as you get up and move to sit beside him once again.

               As you settle back in, Ren can’t help himself as he stretches forward his arm to push your long hair back behind your shoulder. You don’t flinch away from the gesture, that was a plus in his book, but what made it even better was the fact that his hickeys and love bites were clearly displayed on your neck for the pilot to see. The pilot may have wanted you, but Ren had actually gotten to have you. You had told everyone that you were over him, that you had long since moved on, and yet it was clear that this was not the case; the marks on your neck were a simple, physical reminder of that much.

               You seem more annoyed by the gesture than anything else as you both turn to Poe, who unfortunately looks more or less unaffected, as if he had truly suspected that you would have become intimate with him during your stay here and he was determined not to hold it against you. While he may have thought that you were just doing your best for the Resistance, Ren knew the truth. You weren’t over him, could never be over him, not with the Force bond flowing so strongly between you. If he fell victim to it enough to consider leaving the First Order behind, there wasn’t a chance that you could withstand its power either.

               “How are you doing?” you ask as you shift your attention back towards the pilot again. “Are you feeling okay?”

               “It just grazed me,” Poe replies as he glances down at himself, as if to survey the damage. “Not the first time it’s happened; give it a week, and I’ll be back to normal in no time.”

               A week? He had merely been grazed by the blaster bolt the last time Ren saw him, but perhaps he had sustained other injuries that he was unaware of, not that it was truly any concern of his. He just didn’t want you to start fawning over him as if he had actually done something brave; he might have come to rescue you, but he had severely wounded himself in the process. Ren was sure that if the situation was reversed, he would not have sustained the same injuries and would have rescued you in half the time.

               “That’s just what happens when you get out of your ship,” you tease, but your words seemed forced, as if you were trying to simulate authentic conversation. “You weren’t made for this grunt work.”

               _Grunt work?_ Since when had you seen piloting a ship as suddenly such a noble deed? Or were you trying to insinuate that it was somehow better than ground combat? That would be strange, considering that was the only kind of combat that you had ever been engaged in, unless there was more that he didn’t yet know about what had transpired in his absence. Either that, or it had been a half-hearted attempt to court his favor and flatter him, which was more nauseating the more he considered the possibility.

               Poe chuckles lightheartedly, and for a moment Ren almost wished he was back on the _Resolute_. “Yeah, well, I didn’t want you to be stuck with _him_ any longer than you had to.” He juts his chin out towards Ren as he sneers at him, but this is a challenge that Ren unabashedly welcomes. He was better than this pilot in every respect, and the more chances he had to prove this to you, the more compelled you would be to listen to reason and escape with him when the time came, not that he would be able to entertain that idea for long. Once he was there, Luke would probably try to probe his mind, and he would have to seal away any and all attempts of even considering escaping, at least until the time came. No, instead he would have to bury it under a sea of fervent, obsessive thoughts to make sure his true plan never was discovered, and fortunately for him, considering how much thoughts of you had plagued his every waking thought, he was reasonably confident that his plans of escape would go unimpeded.

               “Really?” he ventures as he sits up a little straighter, making sure he knew that although he may have temporarily been the prisoner in that situation, that he was still far more powerful than the pilot could ever hope to become. “She seemed to be enjoying her time with me.” He can almost feel the pilot’s jealousy as he gnaws on the corner of his lower lip as he stares you down, trying to decide if it was even worth it to reply back with an insult of his own.

               “How’s Ani?” you ask suddenly as you turn towards the pilot, in an obvious attempt to keep things civil. Still, Ren couldn’t deny that any information about his son was information that he wanted to hear.

               “Misses his mom,” the pilot replies simply. “Although…” He hesitates for a moment before he shakes his head, as if deciding it was better not to say whatever it was that was on his mind. “It can wait.”

               “What?” you push, leaning forward in his chair as Ren stretches out one arm. It’s meant to be more of a threat than anything else, but you slap his hand down immediately. “No.”

               “There are other ways to draw it out of him,” Ren offers, subtly trying to remind you that you had that power as well, if you so chose to use it.

               “Just tell me,” you say quickly as you turn back to the pilot, who releases a heavy sigh, as if he realized that this information was going to be drawn out of him one way or another.

               “He’s been talking to someone,” he explains, and Ren can feel your flicker of both confusion and alarm through the Force bond as the pilot continues. “Ladson hears him at night. He says sometimes Ani’ll go into the other room to talk to someone, but there’s no one there. Ladson’s asked him about it, but all Ani will say is that he’s talking to the man from his dreams.”

               “Snoke?” you demand, the alarm palpable in your voice. Ren glances down to see your knuckles turning white as your hands clench into fists, and for a moment he wants nothing more than to reach out and touch you before he realizes it’s only going to result in him getting pushed away, and he can’t bring himself to do it. “Was it Snoke?”

               “Don’t know,” the pilot admits. “Ladson doesn’t think so, at any rate, Ani didn’t seem familiar with the name, although apparently they were talking about you.” He looks up to meet his steady gaze. “And him.”

               “Ani knows he’s coming?” you glance back towards him suddenly as if you suddenly thought that he had something to do with this. He wasn’t quite sure how, considering he had spent almost every minute of the last few days with you directly by his side. “Was this your doing? Did you do your dream visit vision to him too? What did you do?”

               “Nothing,” Ren admits as he glances down and away, although in truth, he wasn’t sure if Snoke had done anything. While he had never said anything outright, Snoke had indicated that he couldn’t get through to his son himself, not with the combined Force collective conscious of his uncle, his mother, the scavenger and you all looking out for him. Snoke was powerful, but apparently Luke had become even more so since their last encounter, and he had no idea what he was capable of on his own.

               Still, you seem dissatisfied by his answer as you unbuckle yourself from your seat again and climb into his lap, pressing his fingertips against his temples. Ren isn’t expecting to feel you so close to him again, not like this, and while you close your eyes and try to concentrate, he can tell that you’re still much too weak from what had happened earlier to access his thoughts. A part of him wants to unnerve you, wants to show you flashes of the intimacy of your time together, but that was in the past, and it seemed that since he was going to have restricted access to you in the future, he should make the most of the time that he had now.

               He places both hands on either side of your head as he pulls your face towards him and kisses you again, hard and fast and passionate. You kiss him back for a moment as though you’ve completely forgotten where you were and what had happened and who was watching before you quickly pull away from him, pushing his chest with both hands as you stumble off his lap.

               “Asshat,” you mumble, but you’re still visibly affected, your cheeks red and your face flushed as you move to sit down beside the pilot, crossing your arms over your chest while you sulk. Ren simples raises his eyebrows as he silently gloats. You had liked it; for a moment you had let yourself go and you had _liked_ it, and now you were pretending not to, simply for the sake of the pilot and nothing more. It would only be a matter of time before you gave in to him completely, and he couldn’t deny that he would anxiously be waiting for that day when you were ready to admit that you were his once and for all.

               But that still didn’t change the fact that you had betrayed him, and while he was partially at fault for not looking to see your intentions for himself, he could still remind you of your own guilt in the hopes that you might come around and forgive him of his own misdeeds faster. He reaches out to you with his mind like a gentle nudge, pushing your attention back towards him.

               _So this was your plan all along, to lead me back to the Resistance._

You just huff as you look away, but he continues his gentle coaxing until you finally turn back to face him. _I hardly think it matters what_ I _tried to do, when you were the one that was ready to kill me._

He knew that you were going to throw that back in his face sooner or later, and in this case, sooner was definitely better than later. He had no desire to keep repeating this conversation over and over again once you got back to the Resistance base. No, he wanted to get this over with now, so you could put the misdeeds of the past behind you and start focusing on the future that you both wanted to have, one that resulted in you both raising Ani, _together_.

               _I couldn’t_ , Ren admits, looking beseechingly over in your direction. _You know I couldn’t. You could feel me, I-_

“I didn’t know what you were feeling,” you exclaim suddenly, loud and raw, and suddenly all eyes in both the cabin and the cockpit are on you. You at least have the decency to look embarrassed by the outburst as your face flushes again, and you curse under your breath as you turn back to the pilot. “He tried to kill me,” you offer, but it sounds childish, even to your own ears, as if you were putting the blame on him for something everyone on the ship expected he would do. “Snoke ordered him to try to kill me, and he almost did it too, if you guys hadn’t shown up and knocked the lightsaber out of his hands.”

               “Snoke was there?” the pilot asks, but you just turn and shake your head.

               “Hologram,” you answer as you turn back to face Ren again. “But we’ll find out his location soon enough.”

               That was interesting. He had more or less suspected that the Resistance wanted secrets of the First Order that were trapped within his brain, but he hadn’t really taken the time to think over just what else you wanted from him. Yes, he knew the location of Snoke’s general whereabouts, but Snoke never stayed in one place for very long. No, if they were able to track Snoke to his location, it only meant that Snoke wanted a direct confrontation, once and for all.

               Not that that was his chief concern right now as he looked back towards you, feeling you silently pushing another thought back into his head. _Fine, let’s say you weren’t going to kill me. But was he right? Did you really send me away because Snoke wanted to train me in the dark side of the Force?_

He didn’t truly know what to say. Would you be flattered that he had put your life above his own needs in an attempt to save you, or frustrated that you hadn’t been up front about his motives, that he hadn’t been honest with you to just tell you what was wrong? This was a decision that had haunted him for years and years, and yet what was he supposed to say? What answer did you want to hear? How was he supposed to take years of hesitation and doubt and channel them into words that you could understand when you were still so determined to hate him for almost taking your life for the second time?

               Ren just rolls his head to the side and crosses his arms over his chest, still unsure of how to respond. Instead, he pushes over the first reply that comes to his mind, relieved that it’s at least somewhat honest. _I had other reasons._

You seem to understand at least somewhat as you back down for a moment, taking in this new piece of information before you pose your next question. _Fine. Then answer me this: did you stay away from me all this time to try to protect me and Ani?_

This was a much simpler question, which he could easily provide a very honest answer. _Yes._ He spreads his palms to show his sincerity, to let you read him. He had wanted to protect you and his son, no matter what had happened in the years between when he saw you last, that was all he had ever wanted. He had let Snoke’s manipulations get in the way of that, but he was determined not to let that happen again. If you could read one thing off of him, he wanted to make it clear that he would never hurt you or his son ever again. No, he would spend the rest of his life trying to make amends, trying to make things right, and he hopes that you can feel the honesty in his words as they cross his mind, not daring to let them leave his lips.

               _Like that matters_ , you huff indignantly, and his expression immediately drops. Were you purposely trying to resist him, or were you really still angry at the way he had treated you? Not that he had expected you to forgive him so quickly, but he had been hoping that you would at least try to understand where he had been coming from. _So you protected me? Big deal. You still hurt and killed trillions of people. The only reason you saved me and Ani is because of your own self-interest. It isn’t love if it’s self-preservation._

 _Self-preservation?_ Ren asks, as if he almost can’t believe what he was hearing. If he was truly focused on self-preservation, he would have just taken your life when Snoke had asked without another glance back. It was a deflection, that’s all it was, just another attempt to try to see the worst in him so you wouldn’t have to deal with how you really felt. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t challenge you, however. _Is that why you’re with the pilot?_

He can see your face flush again, and he knew he was getting to you. It was clear that you were becoming more and more affected by his words, and he couldn’t say he wasn’t at least the slightest bit pleased with being able to rile you up this way. _First of all, despite what you may have seen in his head, I am not_ with _him, and second of all, that’s none of your business._

Well, that was that then. If he had any doubts about where your relationship with the pilot stood, that confirmed it. Even still, he can’t help but think back to how what he had seen in his head. As much as he hated to admit it, and he truly did hate to admit it, the pilot _did_ care about you…

               You glance up at him suddenly, and that’s when Ren realizes that he had accidently let his thoughts slip through and allowed you to hear them. He quickly dips his eyes for a moment, trying to think of something to say to counter what you had accidently picked up, but he’s almost surprised when you reach out to him first. _It’s nothing compared to what I felt for you over the past few days._

He should have felt relieved, but if anything, your comment just leaves him with a bitter taste in his mouth. If anything, your comment seemed to imply that you had simply come to the Resistance to collect him before you found yourself falling in love with him all over again, and for the first time, he wasn’t sure if you actually felt anything for him at all, or if it was the Force bond at work, but he needed to test his theory. _It’s just the Force bond_ , he replies. _That’s all it is._

He can see your righteous indignation, and he’s almost glad to feel your anger. _If that’s all that is, then look me in the eyes and_ say _it._ His eyes snap back towards yours, but he doesn’t say anything, won’t say anything. If anything, your defensiveness only confirmed what he had silently been hoping, that you truly did feel something for him beyond the power of the Force bond. Still, you seem more frustrated than anything as you let out a sigh. _I know you have the emotional maturity of a child, but can we at least talk about this like adults?_

He wasn’t quite sure what you wanted to talk about, but he didn’t like the sound of your words and he didn’t want to lead you into a conversation where you would end up convincing yourself that you were much better off without him. No, you would only overthink things, and he couldn’t allow you to do that now as he simply resigns himself to shaking his head back and forth. _There’s nothing to talk about._

You let out another sigh as you shut your eyes and lean against the pilot’s shoulder. Ren tries not to let jealousy get the better of him as he snakes his arm around your shoulder and lightly scratches behind the back of your ear, and he’s pleased to see that you’re not enjoying it at all. No, in the back of your mind, Ren was able to sense that you wished that he was touching you instead, and he couldn’t help but silently gloat to himself as he watched the scene play out in front of him. The more time you spent with the pilot, the sooner you would realize that you didn’t belong with him at all. It was only a matter of time.

               Suddenly the pilot meets his eyes, and Ren notices that he had accidentally been staring. “What?”

               Should he say something or keep silent? Staying silent would only make you realize that he could sense your discomfort as well, while speaking up might appeal to the pilot’s insecurity that he couldn’t please you as well as Ren did, and it was only a matter of time before that drove a wedge between you two for good. “She doesn’t like that,” he finally decides, and as Poe’s hand stops moving immediately, he knows he had made the right call.

               “It’s fine,” you offer, but the pilot just moves his hand down to your shoulder and Ren catches the look you throw his way. You wanted him. It shouldn’t have surprised him as much as it did, but even while you were curled up beside the pilot, you were still thinking of him. He had no idea how much your thoughts might change once you arrived on the Resistance base, but he supposed he would just have to wait and see until the time came.

               “Don’t fall asleep back there,” FN-2187 calls back suddenly. “Remember, this is the guy who tried to kill me once. I’m not real keen on having my back to him up here.”

               “Noted,” you yell back as you force yourself to sit up, turning back towards the pilot. “You doing okay?” As Ren turns his attention back to him, he can’t help but notice that he doesn’t look well. Even despite his complexion, he looks considerably pale.

               “Fine,” he offers, but his voice is weak, and he doesn’t like the pang of sympathy that shoots through you.

               “Maybe if he hadn’t been distracted-” Ren ventures, but it’s clear he shouldn’t have said anything as you turn to him angrily.

               “Keep talking and I _will_ run you through with your own lightsaber,” you snap as you turn to the pilot, clearly trying to devote all your attention to him as you take one of his hands in both of yours. “Hey, we’re going to be home soon, okay? And then they’re going to fix you right up and you’re going to take me out flying again and then you’re going to teach me how to pilot your X-Wing next, all right?”

               The pilot just smiles as he lets his eyes slip closed, but Ren can’t help but roll his eyes in annoyance. You could make all the plans that you wanted, but he would rather you didn’t. He didn’t plan on staying on base any longer than he had to be, and he especially didn’t want you spending more time with the pilot than you already had. Granted, it was his fault that you were even in this position to begin with. He had left you behind, he had effectively abandoned you, and thus was it really fair to blame you for seeking comfort elsewhere?

               He must have been projecting more than he was letting on, as you turn to him suddenly, your face set. _He might be dying, so can you please stop being jealous for five minutes? You know what’s going to happen once we get back to D’Qar. There’s no use fighting it._

Ren just crosses his arms over his chest as he settles back in his chair, embarrassed with himself for letting his thoughts become so transparent. You acted like his transportation to D’Qar was such a sure thing, and yet if he really wanted to, he doubted there was anything you or anyone on board could do to stop him if he tried to resist his capture. _I can try to escape, right now. I can kill you and everyone here._

“But you know there’s no point,” you snap irritably as you turn to face him again, your words emerging seemingly of their own accord. “You couldn’t kill me, Snoke is probably done with you, and I can feel it, you’re tired of this. This war has gone on for years and you are watching everything that you have struggled to achieve collapsing at your feet. So, no, you’re not going to try to escape, because you have nowhere else to go.”

               Either he was being too transparent, or the Force bond that had connected you was stronger than he had realized. He wasn’t sure just how much you were able to pick up on your own or how much you were able to discern just from simple logic, just from knowing him, but you seem to sense his embarrassment that you had just said all that out loud, as when you speak again, you make sure that only he could hear you. _And you want to see Ani, I can feel it. You want to see your son; you’re hoping they’ll let you see him before whatever happens next._ “But try to escape and I will kill you, you have my word. If you think I’m going to risk you hurting Finn or Poe or anyone on this ship, then you don’t know me or the lengths I’ll go to in order to protect my friends.”

               He narrows his eyes at you, consciously resisting an effort to grit his teeth as he stares you down. You did know him. You were perhaps the only person in the galaxy who could understand the way that he thought, how he thought, and he knew that he would have to keep his thoughts in check around you. He knew you weren’t bluffing; you would do anything to protect your friends, and if you thought that his escape might hurt one of them, then you might blow the whistle and dismantle his entire plan. No, maybe it was better to keep you at arm’s length for now, not until he was sure that he could trust you and see that you were just as devoted to him as he was to you.

               _You betrayed me,_ he ventures at length. _Do you think I could ever forgive you for this?_

The reply is almost immediate. _I’ve forgiven you for plenty, but you know what? Maybe in this case, you are stronger than me. So go ahead, don’t forgive me, I hope you won’t. At least it’ll make things easier for me._

Ren doesn’t respond to this. He can’t. This was suddenly going to be a very dangerous game, he realized, keeping you both at arm’s length and drawing you in so that you still wanted him as much as he wanted you. If he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with you, then you would have no trouble pulling away from him entirely, especially when you had the pilot and the rest of your friends on base to support you. No, he was going to have to be extremely careful, both in thought and in deed, and hope that the Force was on his side. After all, it had been the will of the Force that had brought you to him, that had spared your life, and if he was truly meant to have a future with you, the Force would make it so.

               Still, he can’t help but feel something stir uncomfortably in his chest as he watches you bring the pilot’s hand to your lips as you gently kiss his knuckles. You seem troubled by something as you slowly lower his hand and turn back towards the cockpit. “Can this ship go any faster?”

               “We’ll be back soon,” FN-2187 replies. “Just hold on a little while longer.”

               You just sit back in your chair and take Poe’s hand as you try to warm it between both of yours. Even still, he can’t help but notice that your eyes meet his, and he stares right back, although he wills himself to keep his shields up, not letting any thought or bubble of emotion slip through. It seems that you’re resolved to do the same, and so you both stare each other down as you each wait in silence for the ship to dock, so your futures could be decided once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter, we finally get to see the "talk" that Leia and Kylo have for the first time....again, something that a lot of people definitely wanted to see during Candle, but it'll be here next chapter and I hope you enjoy it!!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Candle in the Night  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: In between 29-30, when Kylo is first taken captive by the Resistance  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader, General Leia 
> 
> This chapter takes place after they get to D’Qar; Reader passes out while Kylo Ren confronts his captivity for the first time

               The sky is dark when the ship finally settles on D’Qar, and Ren is honestly more than a bit curious to see the inside of the Resistance hangar. He knew that his mother had created it many years ago, and he could never quite wrap his head around what the interior of the base might have looked like in comparison to the sterile interior of the First Order bases. No one says anything as Chewbacca pulls the ship into the hangar and parks it, slowly releasing the boarding ramp to allow a small battalion of troops to come on board, headed by the scavenger and General Organa herself.

               He casts a weary gaze back in your direction, and for the first time since he had departed the _Resolute,_ he seriously regretted not having his helmet there in order to protect himself from their prying gazes. He’s afraid that she’ll say something to make a fool of him right then and there, but General Organa has surprisingly little to say as she gazes up at him, her face impassive and giving nothing away. He glances down at her, suddenly aware of how small she was. When he had last left her, he had been but a child, and it surprised him how much older she suddenly looked, the fine lines in her face worn and weary.

               “Let’s go.” She dips her head forward in a shallow nod before she turns, and the soldiers part to let her pass, with him following at her heels. He was surprised that not one of her guards had attempted to put him in chains, but he supposed that she had been able to read him through the Force and knew that he wouldn’t dare consider escaping or rising up against her, especially with Luke so close by. He couldn’t tell exactly where he was, but he was _close_ , probably watching from somewhere just out of view or trailing a considerable distance behind so he could stop any attempts to get away.

               Unless he too was able to sense Ren’s sense of defeat, and Ren tried to make this emotion seem as valid and as sincere as possible as he walked along behind his mother, his head bowed slightly as if accepting of this fate. She leads him through the base, which, as he had expected, was nowhere near as clean and as polished as the First Order’s corridors had been. The floor was trailed with dirt and the footprints of those who had walked through there previously, although he supposed his mother didn’t spend time worrying about cleanliness. Her goal was to recruit the best fighters and pilots in the galaxy, and she wasn’t going to debase their talents by asking them to scrub her floors or do such menial work that was clearly beneath them. Hux would have no problem doing it, but then again, Hux was the sort of person who delighted in having the ability to cut people down, to show just how much power he had over them.

               Ren wasn’t sure how similar he was to him in this regard.

               Eventually his mother stops in front of a specific door in one of the far corners of the base, presumably as far away from the hangar as one could possibly get. She raises her hand in front of a small keypad next to the door, watching as a small bright light blinked from crimson to green. The door slides open, and she steps through into a small vestibule, only to watch her open another door only two feet in front of her. He wasn’t sure what the benefit was to having _two_ doors, for surely if he could escape through one, he could get through both, although maybe one was alarmed in some way that he couldn’t quite perceive yet.

               As he follows her into the room, he can’t help but notice how small it was, especially the bed, which had been pushed into one corner and was clearly not large enough for him to lie out with his legs outstretched. Then again, his time here was mostly certainly temporary, until he was either executed without bias or subject to some sort of trial for his misdeeds so that the New Republic could find some way to hold him accountable for every crime that the First Order had committed. He may have been complicit to all of it, but there were some things that he felt more inclined to take the punishment for than others.

               More specifically, none of them, if he was to be given that option. He had his own goals, not that he could truly entertain those out loud here.

               He turns around to see his mother waving off her guard as she shuts the door behind her, and he can’t help but raise an eyebrow as he leans against the far wall, crossing his arms over his chest in what was admittedly a defense gesture. His mother, at least, seems to have no reserve about being alone with him, even despite what he was clearly capable of doing. He had murdered his own father in cold blood, did she really believe that she was inclined to receive any better treatment from him?

               “We have a lot to discuss, Ben,” she says at length as she crosses her arms over her chest and juts her hip out to the side slightly, just as he had remembered her doing when he had misbehaved as a young child.

               At least he had been expecting this. “My name isn’t Ben,” he replies firmly. “Your son is dead; he’s gone.”

               “I suppose he is,” Leia admits, and Ren is almost surprised by how quickly she seems to have accepted this. Maybe she had already come to terms with it, maybe she was just waiting to hear him confirm it for herself. “Then I guess I’ll keep my questions short. Why are you here?”

               Ren can’t help but let a small laugh escape him as he glances around the room. “Am I not a prisoner of the Resistance forces?” he asks at length, but it’s clear that Leia is in no mood for games.

               “You let yourself be captured,” she replies immediately, continuing before he even has time to respond. “I’m no fool, Ren. Don’t mistake me for one. Chewie and Finn were both piloting that ship, you had one of my pilots incapacitated in the back along with your…what are we calling her now?”

               “You leave her out of this,” Ren snaps, almost a bit viciously, and Leia simply rolls her eyes as if she had seen this coming.

               “Right. Still doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t put up a fight, and I’d like to know why.”

               His forehead creases in confusion, as if he honestly doesn’t understand what she’s saying. At least, that’s what he had to make it look like. “I’m sure the scavenger has already told you that-”

               “She has a name, it’s Rey, please use it.”

               “-the _scavenger_ has probably already told you all about how she and the _mother_ of my _son_ were able to knock me unconscious. If I had been aware of where I was being taken or the plot that was being conspired against me, I would not have allowed myself to become seduced and thus imprisoned.”

               “I don’t believe that,” Leia replies as she shakes her head. “Rey tells me you didn’t put up as much of a fight as you could have. You wanted to be captured. You wanted to come here.” She tilts her head to the side. “You can tell me, or I can get Luke in here to ask you.”

               “You would trust the word of a scavenger over your own son?”

               “You just told me my son is dead,” Leia replies coolly, almost as though she’s totally indifferent one way or the other. “Which is it? Is he or isn’t he?”

               Ren can’t help but scowl as he realizes the trap that he’s walked himself into. There could be no simple answers to trick questions, and he decided that small doses of the truth might help to arrest at least _some_ of her suspicion towards him. “If I told you that I wanted to meet my son, would you let me see him?”

               “Why would you care?” Leia asks as she tilts her head to the side, as if she genuinely wants to know. “She’s told me everything. You haven’t seen him in years, Ren. Why would you want to see him now?”

               “Because he’s my _son_ ,” Ren replies, making no attempt to hide his anger. “Because he is my son and you will _not_ keep me from him.”

               “We’ll see,” Leia responds. “This is my base and you are my prisoner here, and it’s not just my decision to make.” She shakes her head. “I think I’ll let his mother make the call on who her son should and should not see, _after_ she tells me exactly what hell you put her through over the past few days.”

               “Don’t.” The words are off his tongue before he can stop them, and there’s something about his tone that makes Leia raise her eyebrows in surprise. “Any information you want, you can get through me. There’s no reason that you have to involve her in any of this.”

               “If I hadn’t gotten her involved, you wouldn’t be here,” Leia says lightly, but there’s something else in her tone, something Ren doesn’t like.

               “Is that why you sent her?” he demands. “To see if after all these years if I had changed? Were you hoping she would trigger some flicker of redemption in me, hoping that she could persuade me to come back to the Resistance if-?”

               “Why did she tell you she was there?” Leia asks, and she seems quite curious to hear the answer.

               “She didn’t,” Ren replies firmly. “She would not disclose why she came, only that she wanted to see me.”

               Leia’s expression flickers for a moment before she considers this. “I’ll be honest, I hadn’t expected that,” she admits openly as she drops her hands by her sides. “It was obvious that you still both cared for each other, and I almost expected that she would defy my orders and simply tell you why she had come.” She seems to consider things for a moment. “Although then that makes me curious as to why you didn’t simply enter her mind and extract the information from her yourself.”

               “I believe you and the scavenger made sure that her thoughts were well concealed from me,” Ren replies, keeping his voice low. “I believe you’ve been trying to keep her from me for some time now.”

               “Perhaps,” Leia replies with a non-committal shrug, not indicating one way or the other. “Although it is interesting to me why you waited until now for you to reach out to her. Why did you wait until she was here until you tried to get her back?”

               He hesitates, thinking it over in his mind. If he had had the power to reach out to her sooner, would he have done so? “Orders,” he finally mumbles at last, and Leia leans forwards slightly, as if she wasn’t quite sure she had heard him. “I had orders from Supreme Leader Snoke to contact her. He showed me how to get into her dreams to contact her.”

               “I don’t believe you,” Leia says immediately as she shakes her head, and Ren can’t help but dip his head. Even when he was telling the truth he was doubted?

               “That’s fine,” he replies sullenly, finally bringing himself to meet her eyes directly. “I believe that you’re going to have Luke probe my thoughts regardless, to find out whatever you can to aid in your struggle against the First Order. Whatever other information you want to verify, I’m sure you’ll be able to then.”

               “It wasn’t about her,” Leia says as she shakes her head. “This is about Ani. This is about your son.” She hesitates for a moment, as if deciding to try a different tactic. “You reached out to her because you were concerned for your son. Why was that?” Ren avoids her gaze and doesn’t answer. “Was it because you were afraid of Rey teaching him? Or Luke?”

               Ren says nothing, but the anger that he can feel well up inside of him is palpable, and Leia nods her head as if suspecting as much. “If it makes you feel the slightest bit better, Luke hasn’t started training him. Not yet, at least, he-”

               “Doesn’t want to make the same mistake twice?” Ren asks as he glances over at her, and Leia shifts her head from one side to the other.

               “Something like that,” she replies evenly. “But rest assured, we are taking every precaution to protect him against the dark side of the Force. He will never fall, and we will not allow him to be manipulated.”

               Ren wants to say something he knows he shouldn’t, and is almost surprised to see himself hold it back. “Is that why you had her trained as well?” he asks softly. “To prevent her from being _manipulated_ as well?”

               “To help her learn control,” Leia replies. “She wants to protect her son as much as I do, but she’s bound to you, subject to the same dark impulses that you are. She needs just as much protection from Snoke’s control as he does.” She narrows her eyes at him. “Although you will have to indulge me. Why did you send her off the Starkiller Base?” Ren opens his mouth to speak, but she stops him before he can even say the words. “And don’t tell me it was because of an attack, because we didn’t have full intel on the mechanisms of the Starkiller or what it was capable of at that time. There was no attack, which means you decided to send her away for your own reasons, although I don’t pretend to know what those might have been.” She tilts her head to the side as she squares her shoulders. “I could guess, though, or you could tell me.”

               Ren stays silent as he dips his eyes and thinks this over. He didn’t want to tell her; it was something that she had no business knowing. He valued his privacy above almost all else, and the value of this secret could not be overstated. “What did she tell you?”

               “I think I’ll keep that between us,” Leia replies, and Ren can’t help but grit his teeth in frustration. “I want an answer from you. Why did you send her away?” Ren says nothing, and it’s clear that he wants to say as little as he possibly can. “No, well, I can guess then. Was she with child when you sent her away?”

               “No,” Ren replies, a bit more forcefully than he meant to. “Why do you even want to know?”

               “Because it matters,” Leia retorts suddenly, and for the first time, he can feel her own anger ebbing out of her in waves. “Because it matters, Ren. When your son was born, I’m sure more than half the Force-sensitive people in the galaxy felt it. Luke was able to feel it, even in his seclusion on Ahch-To. The birth of that child was no accident. You loved her, I could feel that. It’s the reason I thought you had changed, the reason I asked Han to find you and bring you home.”

               Ren stays silent. There’s nothing he can say to that, nothing he could say even if he had wanted to try. She wasn’t wrong. He had fallen in love with you, or had been compelled to because of the bond, but whatever the case, he had given into his attraction to you and fallen in love with you as a result. But then he had sent you away, and everything after that became sort of a blur. He had lost sight of himself, lost sight of what he wanted. After he had met you, everything had changed. He had pledged to devote the rest of his life to Snoke and the First Order, but after he had sent you away, he found it harder and harder to focus on that goal when thoughts of you constantly filled his mind, especially when he felt that you had conceived his son. He had wanted to give it all up right then and there, but he couldn’t.

               He remembered when his father had asked him to come home. He had thought about it. He had considered it. He knew Snoke was using him for his power and was likely to discard him once he got what he had wanted, he was rational enough to understand that much, but he couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t. If he had, Snoke would have most assuredly targeted you next, and it would have been his fault if anything had happened to you. Besides, he had already caused too much harm by that point to ever be truly forgiven, and he supposed if he had gone back to the Resistance right then and there, he would have found himself in the same position that he was in now, locked up and imprisoned.

               He wants to offer an apology, but it would be as insincere as it would be useless. Leia didn’t want to hear it, and he didn’t feel particularly inclined to apologize for it. While he had regretted what he did, he saw it as a mandate at the time, and he didn’t have a choice but to go through with it. If he didn’t? If he had simply walked away? Snoke would have discarded him and he wasn’t quite sure what he would have done then. If Snoke had seen his inaction as a sense of betrayal, he would have sent his Knights to eliminate him once and for all, and if he sent them after him, you would probably be in danger as well, whether or not he came to take you with him.

               No, there was no opportunity for him to succeed, no chance to relax the dire circumstances held against him. Seemingly everywhere he looked, there was a negative consequence for each and every of his actions; even when he tried to do what he thought was right, it was only going to end up hurting someone else in the process. Instead, he tried to focus his priorities on doing right by himself first, and then by you, and he supposed that that would not and could not change if he was ever to escape this base. Doing right by you meant…

               “Why did you send her?” Ren asks quietly after a lengthy pause that feels as though it could have stretched on for hours. “Now? Why did you send her? She was ready before this, why did you wait?”

               “You reached out to her,” Leia replies simply. “You asked her to come. It seemed the perfect way to disguise her motives.” She hesitates for a moment, as if there’s something else she wants to say, but doesn’t.

               “I know about the pilot,” Ren concedes quietly, and Leia has the decency to look surprised.

               “She told you?” she asks, but when Ren just shakes his head, she seems to put the information together for herself, and her expression hardens. “Well, then, I guess you know.” She pauses for a moment, considering her words before she turns back to him. “They were getting closer, and I didn’t want to risk her turning down the assignment to stay with him when I knew that she was our best chance of getting you home. As it was, Commander Dameron was extremely nervous about sending her in, and I’ve never known him to disagree with me on just about anything.”

               “And you would let him-?” Ren starts, but he’s quickly cut off with a terse laugh from Leia.

               “I don’t _let_ him do anything, Ren, he’s his own person,” she replies. “I know we’re at war, but he’s just as free as anyone else on this base to choose who he wants to be with, just as she is. I know she’s bonded to you, but things could change. She seems to like him a great deal and-”

               “And if she was with him, you’d never have to worry about her taking Anakin and running off with me,” Ren replies tersely as he narrows his eyes. “That, and you’ve got not one but two Force sensitive fighters for the Resistance, once he became of age. You have a lot to gain by their involvement, it seems.”

               “So I do,” Leia says with a shrug of her shoulders. “Like I said, it’s not my decision, it’s theirs.”

               “But when you said that could change?” Ren presses. “What are you trying to imply? The bond cannot be broken-”

               “Oh, there’s probably several ways to break it,” Leia replies. “Although I’m not quite sure why you haven’t tried harder to break it yourself. Was it to keep up your connection to Ani, or do you really still love her, after all this time?”

               “Does it matter?” Ren asks, spreading his hands at his sides to show his sincerity.

               “No,” Leia agrees with a quick shake of her head. “No, it doesn’t. I’m going to come back later with Luke to see what you know, and from there we’ll discuss the terms of your capture and what exactly that means for your future. Any decisions about whether or not Ani can come and visit you, I’ll leave to her. I’m not going to make that call myself.”

               Ren just nods his head tersely, and Leia mirrors the gesture as she turns towards the door. She stops for a moment, as if she wants to say something, but seemingly decides against it as she heads for the door. He can hear the door slide shut behind her, first one and then the other, before he walks over to inspect it. It seemed like an ordinary door, although-

               He tried to open it, but it would not budge. He closed his eyes and concentrated with all of his Force ability, but the door would not move, as impenetrable as the wall beside it. Inconvenient, but it wasn’t the most pressing of concerns as of this minute. He would either find out from Luke or his mother when they returned, or from you, whenever you gathered the strength to see him. You had fallen unconscious soon after you had landed, he had sensed that, but at least he was somewhat comforted the fact that you were probably being well cared for. They had called you the Champion of the Republic before, and now you were probably going to be Champion of the Resistance too, if Leia had anything to say about it. You were a valuable recruit, an asset to her, especially with his son by your side, and he could imagine that she would do just about anything to keep you here.

               And he would do just about anything to have you escape with him. He knew that he couldn’t really focus on those thoughts here, not with Luke about to probe his mind within the day. He would have to keep those thoughts buried deep under other obsessive thoughts to make sure that they never got discovered, but there was something he had to do first.

               With a quick glance towards the door, he quickly unbuckled his belt and activated a small tracker that was hidden within the buckle. It emitted a quick red pulse before the light was dimmed again. He waited for a response, for the two quick red pulses to show that his distress signal had been received, and he was almost surprised to see that she had gotten it much faster than he had anticipated. When the timing was right and she had adequate preparation to launch a counter offensive, he would receive a countdown by the number of hours until she would come, which would give him more than enough time to prepare his strategy.

               It was an archaic form of communication, communicating with just simple pulses of light in order to convey brief messages, but with his belt secured to his waist, the quick pulse of light was invisible to anyone watching, even himself, but that didn’t matter. He could wait until he was alone in solitude to check the progress of when they expected to complete his extraction, and through that, it gave him at least the smallest bit of comfort that whatever the Resistance or the New Republic had in store for him, there were people who were coming for him, as long as he had his belt on his person, it didn’t matter _when_ they would come for him, only that they _did_.

               And they would. Captain Phasma hadn’t let him down yet, and she wouldn’t. Of that, he was _almost_ sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So next chapter might be my favorite chapter in the whole trilogy...which is weird because Reader's not even in it!! It's set during A Candle in the Night, and here's a small teaser of the characters involved to keep you guessing until next week!  
> Characters: General Organa, Poe Dameron, Finn, Admiral Ackbar, Colonel Ematt, Captain Phasma
> 
> That list seems pretty normal....up until the last one. What is Phasma doing in there? I guess you'll have to wait til next week to find out. Until then, cheers!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Candle in the Night  
> Perspective: Poe Dameron  
> Chapter: An undisclosed amount of time after the capture of Kylo Ren   
> Characters: General Organa, Poe Dameron, Finn, Admiral Ackbar, Colonel Ematt, Captain Phasma
> 
> Things the Reader doesn’t know could hurt her

               For once in his life, Poe Dameron wished that things would just be _easy._ His parents had both told him a long time ago that nothing worth having came without its trials, but this seemed like it was almost too much for him to take. He had always been optimistic when it came to, well, pretty much anything, but now he found himself frustrated by how much seemed out of his control.

               By all accounts, he should have been pleased. His objective had been the same as it always was, to help take down the First Order, and by all accounts, they were succeeding in that regard. Captain Phasma may have been missing, but they had General Hux cornered, and, even more auspiciously, they had Kylo Ren in their custody and they were well on their way to finding out Snoke’s location. Luke was in with Ren right now, trying to extract every last bit of First Order plans and schematics from his mind so that they could bring down the Order once and for all.

               Even you had returned, safe and sound, and while he couldn’t deny that he was concerned by the Force bond between you, he has glad to see that you were alive and that you seemed to recognize just how destructive the Force bond could be. Even still, something had changed, although he couldn’t put his finger on exactly what it was. You didn’t act any differently around him, but he could tell that just being near Ren’s presence was overwhelming you in a way that he doubted even you knew how to explain. He had known how powerful the link between you two was, but he almost hadn’t been able to truly appreciate its strength until he had seen you in the med bay, completely under its influence.

               It had honestly scared him to see you that way, but he was relieved to see how quickly you had seemed to come back to yourself. It wasn’t at all surprising that your experiences on board the _Resolute_ with Ren had left you shaken, and he could understand why you didn’t want to talk about it, at least, not right away. You had already mentioned that Snoke had commanded Ren to take your life, and he could only imagine how frightening of an encounter that must have been, even if Ren hadn’t gone through with it. That wasn’t to say he probably hadn’t tried, though, and he had a feeling that the blow to your head that you said you had taken might have been dealt while you were fighting to save your life.

               “Hey buddy,” Poe turns to Finn as he claps him on the shoulder, hard, as if trying to assess his strength. “Glad to see you up and about again. How’re you feeling?”

               “Seen better days,” Poe replies good-naturedly as he cracks a grin in his direction. “But I’m doing good, a little bit of bacta goes a long way.”

               “Glad you trained me how to pilot one of those things now, huh?” Finn teases, and Poe’s about to respond when he spots General Organa entering the room, and immediately falls silent after he manages to grab one good look at her expression. Her face was set and she seemed just about as serious as he had ever seen her.

               “Do you know what this meeting was about?” Poe quickly whispers to Finn, who just shakes his head.

               “It isn’t good, Poe,” he whispers back, and for a moment he’s almost surprised to hear the concern reflected in Finn’s voice. Finn wasn’t the jumpy sort, but he seemed almost downright scared of what was going to play out. Emergency meetings were never good, but he couldn’t deny that the atmosphere in the room seemed tenser than usual. Colonel Ematt kept playing with the sleeves of his tunic, Admiral Ackbar kept pacing the room, and a few others, who had been whispering in hushed tones in the corner, stopped immediately and dispersed the second General Organa entered the room.

               “Are we it?” Colonel Ematt asks as General Organa takes her position in front of a large holoprojector, and she just dips her head in a curt nod in response.

               “We’re it,” she confirms, her voice ringing clear and strong throughout the room as she glances at everyone in turn. “We’re here today because we have a difficult decision to make.” She takes a deep breath as she seems to brace herself for physical impact, leaning against the rim of the projector in front of her. “This is hard for me to say, but something unfortunate has happened and I think we should take a diplomatic vote as to what we should do. All of you here today have my fullest confidence, and I trust that we can make a decision as to how best to proceed.” Poe’s forehead puckers as he glances around the room. Ematt has his head dipped forward as if he’s already been briefed on the details, but says nothing as Leia continues. “I’ve selected you as you are the future of the Resistance, and I think it’s important for you to know the kinds of decisions you’re going to have to make going forward.”

               She takes a deep breath as she pulls up a projection, and Poe can feel his heart leap into his chest as he sees four men on their knees, blindfolded, hands held behind their heads. Poe can immediately recognize their distinctive New Republic uniforms, but his eyes immediately leap from that to the Storm Troopers that were standing behind them, blasters aimed straight at the back of their heads. As his eyes pull to the left, he can see the familiar chrome helmet of Captain Phasma standing beside them, as tall and imposing as ever.

               There are audible gasps throughout the room, and Leia grits her teeth as she looks away. “What is this?” Admiral Ackbar asks as he steps forward, staring up at the holo. “What is this? What’s happened?”

               “The _Dauphin_ was a New Republic vessel that was on clandestine business delivering supplies to insurgents in the Outer Rim who were seeking to overthrow the First Order bases there,” Leia explains, turning her back on the holo. “Their ship was captured after a long battle, though it was presumed by the New Republic that all aboard had perished in the ship’s destruction when it crashed on Sullust. It wasn’t until yesterday that I received this holo from Captain Phasma. Apparently, they captured one of the escape pods containing four of the _Dauphin’s_ commanding officers, and they’re willing to trade them in exchange for Kylo Ren being returned to the First Order, unharmed.”

               “They don’t know?” Poe can feel his jaw moving, but he’s almost unable to believe it. “You haven’t told the Republic that they’re alive yet, have you?”

               “No,” Leia confirms as she shakes her head from side to side. “No, this is a decision that _we_ have to make.” She steadies her resolve as she turns to face everyone in the room in turn. “I know this is a difficult decision to make, but giving them Ren will be a mistake. We have gone to great lengths to capture him, and so many lives have already been lost, not only on the destruction of the _Resolute_ , but during the whole of the First Order’s campaign. If we can end that now, we can save thousands of lives. If we were to give him up, those lives lost would have been in vain, and who knows how many more it would take until we could capture him again?”

               “This isn’t right,” Poe says as he turns to face everyone in the room. “This isn’t right, we can’t just take the lives of four people because-”

               “We’re not taking the lives of anyone,” Ematt says as he turns to face him, holding his hands at parade rest behind his back. “It is unfortunate, but Princess Leia is right. Four lives compared to the thousands that Ren has taken single-handedly, compared to those he will _continue_ to take should we release him? It can’t be done. I’m sorry to say it, but it’s not worth the risk.”

               “What if there’s something else we can do?” Finn asks as he quickly steps forward beside Poe. “I don’t think we should just give the guy up either, but what if we can trade them for something else?”

               “And what would we trade?” Ackbar asks as he turns to him. “What else do we have that they want?”

               “We can’t trust the First Order,” Admiral Statura says as he steps forward, shaking his head as he looks up at the holo. “Even if we _agreed_ to give them Ren, we have no proof that they would honor their agreement anyway.” He turns to Leia. “How do we know they’re still alive right now?”

               “That’s why we’re all here,” Leia explains. “We have ten minutes to make a decision. If we agree to hand him over, we’ll have three days in order to give them Ren, and they’ll kill one hostage for every day that it takes. If we say no, well, she’s assured me that they’ll have no trouble executing them on the spot.” She shakes her head from side to side. “It _is_ regrettable, but no one else besides us in this room know that they’re alive. The New Republic has already informed their families that they have passed on. They are, for all intents and purposes, already deceased.”

               “Except that they’re not,” Poe is quick to rebuke. “They’re not dead, they’re right in front of us. If we can do something to save them, we have an obligation-”

               “That’s why we’re here,” Ematt says as he turns to him. “To try to figure out another alternative.” He turns to Leia. “What do our resources look like?”

               “Unfortunately, most of our prepared ordnance was exhausted in the battle against the _Resolute_ trying to capture Ren in the first place,” Leia admits as she turns back to Poe. “I know this isn’t easy, and I don’t like this any more than you do, but we need to be realistic. If this is a war we intend to win, we may need to consider sacrificing the needs of a few for the good of many. We simply don’t have the numbers to release an offensive strike against the First Order right now; we don’t even know where they’re being held.”

               “So we make a plan,” Poe starts. “We say that we’re going to trade Ren for them, and then we strike, find some way to get them back.”

               “And what kind of offensive are you suggesting?” Ematt asks as he turns around to face him.

               “I’m not sure that it matters,” Statura says as he steps forward. “Even with the right strategy, I’m not sure we have the numbers. More men might die trying to save them, and that’s a loss that we cannot afford right now.”

               “Then we reach out to the New Republic,” Poe offers as he turns desperately to Leia. “It’s their men, I’m sure they’d be willing to work with us to help get them back.”

               “We don’t have the time,” Leia says as she shakes her head. “And you _know_ how the New Republic is, Poe, it’s the reason you and I both left. By the time they tell us they’ve reached a decision on how to proceed, they’ll all have been dead for weeks. No, we just don’t have the time. Captain Phasma gave us ten minutes, and that’s all the time we have to make a decision.”

               “Well, if we’re taking a vote, I vote that we save them,” Poe says as he crosses his arms over his chest.

               “I know you do,” Leia says as she offers him a small smile. “And believe me, Poe, your perspective _is_ appreciated. I know this isn’t easy for us, I’m just trying to make the right decision here.”

               “There is no right decision,” Ackbar says as he shakes his head. “We’ve had to make difficult decisions such as these in the days of the Empire, and every decision has a cost. It’s unfortunate to say, but in my opinion, the risks posed by their rescue outweigh the reward that could be gained by their recovery.” He pauses for a moment as he steadies his resolve. “But that’s not to say that their lives should be forfeit. I believe it may be possible to figure out a way to both retain Ren and save them. My vote is with Commander Dameron.”

               “Thank you,” Poe responds, his voice clean and sharp to show he means it.

               “Okay, Poe and Gial for,” Leia says as she turns to Ematt, waiting to hear his response.

               “As you said, Admiral, the risks posed by their rescue outweigh the reward that could be gained by their recovery,” Ematt echoes. “Unfortunately, my vote is against such an action.”

               “As is mine,” Statura as he steps forward, looking in Poe’s direction. “I’m sorry, Commander. It’s not an easy decision to make, but we can’t lose any more men when we don’t even know that the First Order will keep their word and honor our agreement.”

               Poe just dips his head forward in understanding before he turns back to Leia, who lets out a sigh as she turns to Finn. “Well, we’re running out of time and the vote is split, two for and two against. Looks like you get to make the deciding vote.”

               Finn seems to wrestle with himself for a few moments, but Poe allows himself to at least relax somewhat. Finn had risked his life for civilians before, had always been the one to make sure that everyone got out of an assignment safely. He was almost ninety percent certain that Finn would side with him on this, and together they would work out a plan in order to save the lives of those New Republic soldiers and bring them home.

               “Sorry, Poe,” Finn mutters as he vaguely glances in Poe’s direction, before he turns to face General Organa directly. “I know Captain Phasma better than anyone in this room, and I’ve seen what the First Order is capable of firsthand. It doesn’t matter what she says; they’re not going to hand them over.” He turns briefly to look in Poe’s direction. “I know you want to at least try, but they’re right. It’ll put too many other lives in danger, and we can’t risk Ren getting loose again, especially when we’re this close to taking out Snoke. There’s too much on the line right now, and we can’t risk it.”

               Poe just lets out a sigh as he shakes his head from side to side. He didn’t agree with it, but this _was_ a democracy and he could understand the point that they were trying to make. If fifty men went in to try to save them and only four came out, was it truly worth the risk? It was doubtful that they could trust Captain Phasma to do the exchange herself, and even more likely that the four officers would just be killed as soon as Ren was free. It was almost a miracle that he had seemed to resign himself to his capture for your sake, but he doubted it would happen a second time.

               As he looks up, he can see General Organa watching him intently, and he quickly squares his shoulders as he turns back to face her. “I understand,” he says simply as he spreads his hands by his sides to show his sincerity, and Leia nods her head quickly.

               “Okay then,” she replies as she glances down at the holo. “And it looks like our time is up. I guess our decision is made.” She hesitates for the briefest of moments as her eyes slip shut, and Poe could tell that this was just as difficult for her as it was for them. Ematt may have been right, they weren’t the ones that were pulling the trigger, but to let them die if they could do something to try to prevent it? Poe wasn’t quite sure there was a way to deal with that, or if he should even try. He just had to focus on the mission in front of him and keep pushing forward. Finn was right. With Ren captured, it could spell an end to the First Order once and for all, and he had to be objective and keep that thought front and center.

               He’s distracted from his thoughts as Leia pulls up the holo of Captain Phasma. In the background, he can still see the men on their knees, blindfolded, the Storm Troopers still holding the blasters to the back of their heads, ready to fire the second their captain gave the demand. “So,” Phasma says as she tilts her chromed head to the side. “Do we have a deal?”

               “What do you want besides Ren?” Leia asks, absolutely unflinching as she stares up at the holo.

               “The agreement was for _Ren_ ,” Phasma says pointedly. “If you have nothing further to offer-”

               “Oh, we have plenty to offer,” Leia responds promptly, thinking as quickly as she can. “It’s just a matter of naming what else you want. I’m sure there has to be at least one other thing on this base that you want just as badly as Ren.”

               Phasma pauses for a moment, as if she’s seriously considering giving this some thought. “I want the boy,” she says at length, and Poe can feel an icy chill go through him as he stares resolutely down at the floor, gnawing on his lower lip to keep him from speaking out of turn. “Ren’s son.”

               “I would be willing to negotiate that further, but unfortunately, I don’t know where he is,” Leia starts. “He-”

               “Kill one of them.”

               There’s a sudden blast that echoes through the holo, and Poe almost can’t bring himself to watch as the body of one of the officers slumps lifelessly to the floor. “It would do you well not to lie to me,” Phasma replies coolly. “I happen to have it on good authority that his mother is on base, and I know that she would never let him out of her sight.” Finn glances nervously over at Poe, who can only grit his teeth as he thinks this over. Was that simply a good guess, or did she know more than she was letting on? They had done their best to make sure that there were no First Order spies among their ranks, but it was always a risk that they had to be wary of.  

               He glances up to Leia who takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly, trying to buy time to think. “He’s a child,” Leia says at length. “We couldn’t just send him alone.”

               “I’m sure his mother would be willing to accompany him,” Phasma replies, and Poe can feel his heart sink. He remembered how you had once explained that you and Phasma had begun to become friends back on the Starkiller Base, and he honestly couldn’t understand how you, of all people, could ever possibly stand to be around someone who acted so ruthlessly and killed without reserve. He couldn’t imagine even one thing that you could possibly have in common with each other, except maybe the physical training and sparring you had done together. She may have been a good teacher, Poe could probably believe that, but friend? If she had been kind to you, it was most likely because she was looking out for her own self-interests, trying to recruit you over to the Order, and Poe would _never_ let that happen. Despite your bond with Ren, you were a good, kind person, and he hated to see you caught in the middle of something that you never wanted to be part of in the first place.

               “That’s obviously not a decision I can make,” Leia starts.

               “You are in charge of your base, are you not?” Phasma asks. “If it is your base, you can give the order. You can give me Ren, or the child and his mother, although all three would be ideal. You have one minute to decide.”

               Leia doesn’t take more than fifteen seconds to make her decision. “No,” she replies simply, although the look that she gives Captain Phasma through the holo is pure venom.

               “Very well,” Phasma says as she turns back to her troops.

_“Fire.”_

               To her credit, Leia doesn’t cut the transmission right away. She waits to see the action carried through to completion, waits until the gruesome act is over and done with before she turns off the holo. Perhaps it was their duty to burn such a memory onto their conscience forever, to remember just what kind of people this war was turning them into. In the back of his mind, he wondered if she had had to make the same hard decisions during the first Galactic Civil War, if these were just another four lives to add to the tally of the ones she felt personally responsible for. He wondered if these were the same kinds of decisions that his parents had made when they had fought. At first he would have insisted that his mother would have voted to spare their lives, how could she vote anything but? Unfortunately, now he couldn’t say anything with absolute certainty, an unshakable tremor of doubt that he felt increasingly more aware of as of late.

               “Poe,” Leia says suddenly, and he shakes his head briefly to clear away these wayward thoughts before he turns back to face her, squaring his shoulders to show the height of his attention.

               “General.”

               “Keep a close eye on her and Ani,” she says simply before she turns and strides with purpose out of the room, but Poe just nods and keeps silent. He was already keeping a good watch on both of you, but before it had been for a different reason. If there was a First Order sympathizer on base, they might reach out to you in an attempt to spare Ren; heck, Captain Phasma might be able to find some way to communicate with you herself, and Poe wasn’t quite sure if you would honestly tell them if she did. He felt certain you would tell them if Ren was trying to escape, but after what he had seen in the med bay, he just couldn’t be sure of anything anymore.

               One by one, the others file out of the room, with no one really saying much of anything. Not that there was anything to say, not really. He notices that everyone seems to be avoiding the eyes of anyone else in the room, and he knows by tomorrow that this will all have been forgotten, or at least, _attempted_ to be forgotten. It would never be discussed again, at any rate, never mentioned, as if it was something that hadn’t happened, as if they hadn’t just watched the brutal massacre of four people whose lives had depended on them to make a decision.

               But had they chosen wrong? Poe just couldn’t be sure.

               Eventually it’s just Finn and Poe left in the large room, and Poe can feel the thick layer of tension in the room almost physically weighing down his shoulders. Finn turns to him as he opens his mouth to speak, before shutting it and thinking better of it. “I’m sorry,” he manages at length, but Poe just quickly holds up a hand to cut him off before the apology could go any further.

               “You’ve got nothing to be sorry about,” Poe says firmly, wanting to make this as clear to him as it was to himself. “This isn’t your fault. You’re not the one who pulled the trigger.”

               Finn just shakes his head, like that doesn’t even matter, like he doesn’t know what to say or where to begin. “I wish we didn’t have to make that call.”

               “Me too, buddy, me too.”

               “I would have thought that with Ren in custody, things would start to get easier…” Finn ventures, his voice trailing off as his left hand uselessly gestures vacantly into the air in front of him.

               “No,” Poe says with a quick shake of his head. “No, now they’re going to start getting desperate, which means we have to be more wary of them than ever.”

               Finn hesitates for a moment, before he seemingly brings himself to ask the question that he’s wanted to ask all along. “Are you going to tell her about this?” he asks as he looks up at him. “I mean, I know Leia would never hand them over, but do you think that we should warn her that the First Order is interested in her and Ani?”

               “No,” Poe replies with a quick shake of his head. “If we say anything, then she’s going to ask questions, and I don’t want to tell her what happened here today. She’ll only blame herself, and I don’t want to watch her go through that.” He shakes his head from side to side, as if to confirm this to himself. No, there was no need to tell you what had transpired here today, no reason for you to bear the same weight and the guilt that he had to go through on a daily basis. He knew that he would forever be haunted by the things that he had seen, by the tough decisions that he had to make, and there was no reason for you to bear that pain as well. You had never wanted to be a part of this war, and so if the decision was his to make, he would shelter you from as much as he could. He had done it before, and, he suspected, he would need to do it again as well.

               No, there were some things that you just didn’t need to know.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Candle in the Night  
> Perspective: Poe Dameron  
> Chapter: Parallel to chapter 14, Rey confronts Poe about his feelings for Reader  
> Characters: Poe Dameron, Rey, Finn
> 
> Taking place while Reader is off training with Finn

               Poe could hear quiet footsteps fall into line behind him as he headed away from the blasting range, although he had gotten used to the familiar sound of her gait. It was different than the others, somehow, and he attributed it to her having walked on sand for so long; traversing those sandy hills of Jakku were much different from walking on the flat, tiled floors of the base, and he could say that for sure now that he had experienced it firsthand.

               “You know, you don’t have to stalk me,” Poe says teasingly as he turns and spreads his hands at his sides.

               “Stalking? I just call it following,” Rey says with a self-satisfied smirk as she rolls her shoulders, as if it didn’t make a difference either way. “How were things this morning?”

               “Good,” Poe replies simply, turning around but pausing for a moment to give her time to catch up beside him before they started walking again. “She’s coming along really well here.”

               “In terms of piloting or-?”

               “Both,” Poe says with a firm nod of his head. “Although you knew that already. You’re the one who told me she would make a great pilot, remember?”

               “Force reflexes,” Rey confirms. “Although it helps that she does genuinely _want_ to learn.”

               “And it shows,” Poe heads, dipping his head forward again, but Rey just looks up at him and then back down the hallway as she emits a small laugh. “What, what is it?”

               “Nothing,” Rey says quickly, but as Poe shoots her a look out of the corner of his eye, Rey can’t help but laugh again. “No, I mean it. It’s fine. It’s nothing.”

               “You know, it’s not fair if you do that whole mind trick thing,” Poe points out, but Rey just shakes her head.

               “No Jedi mind tricks,” she confirms. “I didn’t even need to use the Force for this one. Finn can sense it too. I’m pretty sure just about everyone can.”

               “Everyone?” Poe repeats blankly as he raises his eyebrows, surprised that there was a secret going on around base that he _wasn’t_ in on.

               “Okay, maybe not everyone,” Rey relents. “But anyone who’s spent time with you in the past two weeks probably picked up on it sometime or another.”

               “Okay, now you have to tell me,” Poe counters as he turns to her. “Really, tell me, what’s going on?” They’re almost to the Green Room, and Rey stays silent for a moment before she grabs Poe’s hand and pulls him along into the Green Room, making sure to shut the door behind him using the Force.

               “I wasn’t going to say anything,” Rey says at first as she begins to walk about the room, surveying each of the plants around her to see which of them needed water and extra attention that day. “But Finn was worried that Leia might pick up on it…” She laughs softly to herself as she shakes her head. “But if we know, Leia most certainly does. Leia picks up on _everything_.”

               Poe’s jaw drops before he shakes his head and quickly recovers himself. “All right, if the General knows, then you have to tell me.” He crosses his arms over his chest as he stares her down, impatiently waiting for a reply. He wasn’t quite sure what it was that Rey thought she sensed about him that it was so easy for others to pick up on as well, but if it affected the General’s judgement of him, then he had to know what it was. Then again, it must not have been _that_ important, because the General was never one to hold back her feelings on anything, and if she hadn’t said anything to him then whatever it was surely could not have been that important…right?

               Rey turns back to him, drawing her lips back into a wide smile. “You like her.”

               “Who?” Poe asks, caught off his guard for a moment. “Lei… _oh_.” He quickly recovers himself as he shakes his head from side to side as if to dismiss the idea. “We’re friends, that’s all.”

               “Right,” Rey says as she dips her head forward, turning back to her plants. “Good friends, that’s all.”

               “Right.”

               “Uh-huh.”

               “Exactly.” Poe dips his head forward in a curt nod as Rey turns back to him and giggles again, shaking her head as though she didn’t believe him. He just lets out a sigh as he puts his hands on his hips. “And where is this coming from, anyway?”

               Rey just shakes her head, like it’s suddenly not worth discussing. “For what it’s worth, she has feelings for you too,” Rey replies as she glances down and away, missing the look on Poe’s face as his eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Still, she can sense his flicker of emotion through the Force as she turns back to face him. “Oh, come on, it’s not _that_ hard to believe.”

               “But Ren-”

               “Ren is gone,” Rey says firmly, with some hint of finality to her voice. “I’ve taught her to keep her shields raised so he won’t trouble her anymore. If she can do what I’ve asked and keep him out, then he won’t trouble her anymore and she won’t have to be a part of this.”

               “That’s what we keep saying,” Poe agrees. “But there’s more to it than that. You _know_ there’s more to it than that. Leia’s still hoping that she’ll be the link that will lead us to her son.”

               “I know what Leia wants,” Rey agrees before she turns back to Poe suddenly. “But I also know what _I_ want. Ren is a monster; he’ll destroy her. He ruined my life, and he’ll ruin hers if given the chance. He’ll pull her over to the dark side with him, and I don’t want to see that happen.”

               “Hey, hey,” Poe says quickly, holding up his hands in an appeasing gesture. “Nothing’s going to happen, all right? She’s safe here, you’re both safe here.” He steadies his gaze. “And she’s not going to go over to the dark side, I don’t think she’s capable of it.”

               “She’s capable,” Rey says, and for a moment her gaze becomes distant as she focuses on one speck of green in particular, letting her mind travel to a far-off memory that didn’t belong to her. “Believe me, she’s more than capable.” Rey hesitates for a moment before she looks back up at Poe. “Which is why you should do it.”

               “Do it?” Poe repeats blankly. “Do what?”

               “Do…” Rey gestures with one hand out in front of her. “Whatever it is you’ve been doing. Keep her interested, ask her out, just do something to show her that you like her. It could end up saving her life.”

               Poe averts his eyes for a moment, failing to mention that he had actually more or less done that this morning. “Saving her life?” he repeats with a slight laugh. “That’s a little dramatic, wouldn’t you say?”

               Rey just shakes her head in disagreement and takes a moment to collect her thoughts. “She’s not completely over Ren,” she admits quietly. “I wish she was, but she’s not, and I don’t think she ever quite will be. The more we can keep her focused on what’s here, the more we can make her feel more included here, the less chance we have to worry about her ever going back to him. We need to make her feel like _this_ is her home now, or that it could be.”

               Poe nods his head along in time to her words, hearing what she was saying and agreeing with almost all of them. She had a point. If Ren were to break through the mental shield Rey had helped her create and ask her to come to him, she would go. Leia was counting on that fact, was hoping for it, but then again, Leia made a lot of risky calls since Han died. Poe didn’t want to outright say that she viewed your life as expendable, but that _was_ why you were here, wasn’t it? That’s why he had found you, brought you here, and trained you? Ren had weeded out and murdered anyone that they had tried to slip in undercover to ascertain his whereabouts, no doubt still wary since the last reconnaissance group had been discovered, the very group you had been a part of. Something was different about you, Leia could feel it, and somehow she knew that you would be the one to bring her son back to her. Poe wasn’t quite sure if this was true or if it was just a fool’s hope, a mother’s hope, but it might explain why Rey had been so concerned. From his own encounters, he had known Ren to become more and more unstable, especially after the destruction of the Starkiller Base, and it wasn’t a lie to say that he didn’t want anything to happen to you, or for you to be more caught up in this than you already were.

               “Fair enough,” he relents as he dips his head forward. “For what it’s worth, I do see her fitting in here, I do. I think she could really help us end the war if she really wanted to, but-”

               “Right now she’s still too focused on Ren,” Rey agrees with a nod of her head. “But like I said, we just need to show her that her home is here, and I have a plan to do just that.”

               “The lightsaber,” Poe remembers. “You really think she’ll be able to construct it herself.”

               “Well, I’ll be helping,” Rey teases. “But I do. I’m eager to see which Kyber crystal she chooses; it will give me more insight into her character and how well she puts it together will give me an indication of just how far she’s come.”

               “Is it going to be blue, like yours and Luke’s?” Poe asks, but Rey just shakes her head.

               “I have a few theories on that,” she says as she turns back to her plants. “Let’s just say, I’m hoping it’ll be any color but red. It shouldn’t be, there’s no reason for it to be, but I don’t know how much her power has been influenced by Ren and how much she’s been able to take control of for herself. But if you consider her past and how she learned and partner that with her true self, I foresee that we might be able to get a truly interesting outcome.”

               “Interesting?” Poe echoes. “Interesting how?”

               “Like I said, I’m keeping my theories to myself for now,” Rey says, but offers him nothing more than that.

               “What about Luke?” Poe presses. “What does he think?”

               “He thinks she’s not ready,” Rey admits, a frown visibly etching into her features. “I can see why he’s concerned, though, after all that Ren did. He thought Leia training her was brash and reckless; but I don’t sense that same sort of penchant for chaos coming from her. She may be like him in many ways, but not concerning this.”

               “They’re nothing alike,” Poe insists as he shakes his head back and forth. “She’s not a killer. She could never do the things he’s done, never.”

               “I hope you’re right,” Rey agrees as she looks up at him. “But she’s wrapping up with Finn and she’s on her way here. You should get gone, unless you want her to come in here and think that we’ve been talking about her.”

               “We _have_ been talking about her,” Poe points out, but he takes a step towards the door regardless. “But I get your point. I’ll be back with Finn once she’s finished it?”

               “Looking forward to it,” Rey agrees as she turns back to face him. “Just remember what we talked about, okay?”

               Poe dips his head forward in a curt nod before he heads out the door, heading to the hangar to see what Snap was up to. Even still, he couldn’t get what Rey had said out of his mind. It all seemed very cynical and detached, but they had a point, didn’t they? They were fighting a war right now, and they needed you to be a part of it, one way or another, and the best way that they could do that if they gave you incentive to be here. You already had security on this base, but it was more than clear that that wasn’t what you wanted.

               As he passed the command center, he couldn’t help but notice a large green Tortutaru pass through the sliding doors, and he gave a curt nod in his direction before he stopped in his tracks as something else Rey had said occurred to him, and as he let her words echo in the back of his mind, he suddenly realizes that that wasn’t just any of the Tortutaru.

That was Taro’s brother.

               “Hey,” he says suddenly as he turns back around to face him. He wasn’t quite sure if he was able to be heard much less understood, but Taro’s brother patiently turns around to regard him. “Um...” Poe begins, fumbling with his hands, trying to think of any gesture or pantomime he could use in order to convey what he wanted to say.

               Fortunately, Taro’s brother seems to be able to understand what he wants as he holds up his hand and gestures for him to come with him, and Poe’s look of hesitation is suddenly replaced by a shy, nervous smile. He didn’t really believe all that much in fate, but he believed in the Force, and considering just how infrequently the Tortutaru ventured to this part of the base after the failed mission on the Starkiller Base, this had to be a sign from the Force that he was headed in the right direction.

               Although what that meant for his future, or yours, he had absolutely no idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know this isn't everyone's favorite chapter considering the lack of both Kylo Ren and Reader, but I had written this out in Candle and decided after the last chapter that this was a good time to share this one as well!! Hope you enjoyed it at least a little bit regardless!!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Candle in the Night  
> Perspective: Poe Dameron  
> Chapter: Parallel to chapter 10, Rey, Finn and Poe talk about Reader’s arrival on base and what that means  
> Characters: Poe Dameron, Rey, Finn
> 
> Taken place while Reader is off with Ladson and Ani

               “So how was Force training?” Poe asks at the dinner table that night. Ladson’s sitting off to his right, and you’re sitting to his left, with Rey beside you and Finn beside her.

               “Good,” you reply enthusiastically as you look up at him, and he can see that you’re practically beaming. It was a very different look than the one you were wearing when you first met him, he could say that for sure. “Rey is a fantastic teacher.”

               “I’ll drink to that,” Finn says as he picks up his cup. Rey just giggles as she shakes her head, smiling good-naturedly back towards you as Finn continues. “She kicked my butt today though,” he says as he points towards you. “I’d watch out for her.”

               “She nearly crashed us this morning,” Poe teases, and you turn to him sharply, playfully hitting his arm as you make a mock cry of indignation.

               “Did not,” you huff as you turn back towards your plate of food. It looks like you’re about to say something further before Ani suddenly crawls out from underneath the table, and you lean to the side to watch where he’s going. “Ani, what are you doing?” 

               Poe watches as Ani crawls towards him and he’s about to scoop him up into his lap when suddenly Ani brings Rey’s staff against Poe’s side. He had no idea when Rey had given him her staff to play with, but he did not expect it to honestly hurt as much as it did. The kid was barely even five years old, and yet he brought down the staff with surprising force, perhaps using _the_ Force, although Poe wasn’t sure quite what he had done to draw the little kid’s ire, exactly.

               “Okay, Ani, stop,” you command, but he keeps swinging the staff as Poe holds out his hand to try to take it from him. “I said _stop_.” Suddenly the staff freezes in mid-strike, and Ani pouts as he lets go, letting the staff hover in midair. Poe swallows a gulp of air as he watches you float it back into your hand, handing it over to Rey. “Better hold onto this.”

               Rey just nods quickly as Ani crawls back into Ladson’s lap, upset, but not making a scene. Still, the atmosphere at the table was suddenly tense, and Ladson quickly hoists Ani onto his shoulder as he stands. “I should take him back.”

               “Good idea,” you say as you push back your chair to stand up as well. “I’ll go-”

               “You stay and eat,” Ladson says sharply, and Poe’s almost surprised to see you slump back into your chair and obey an order. Back when he had met you, it looked like you were the one who had been giving orders, but perhaps your relationship with him was more mutual than he had expected. Regardless, as Ladson and Ani walk off, you simply keep your eyes cast down at your plate as you push the food around with your fork, and it’s quite obvious that there were many, _many_ other places you wished you could be in at the moment.

               He can see Rey watching you intently, though, and suddenly your expression shifts as though you were listening to something that she was saying. He glances over to Finn who meets his gaze as he gives a firm nod of his head before he turns back to Rey, watching the silent conversation you were having with her with interest. Suddenly you turn to her and return the quick smile Rey offers you as you pick up your fork and begin to eat.

               “You’re doing that Jedi mind speak thing again, aren’t you?” Finn asks, as if he and Rey didn’t communicate that way all the time.

               “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rey says lightly as she turns to you. “Do you know what he’s talking about?”

               “Haven’t a clue,” you reply, your voice again sounding optimistic and upbeat, although Poe could see right through it. It was convincing enough, sure, but the tell wasn’t in your smile, it was in your eyes. Right now you were like an animal chained to a fence post in a yard, and you’d sooner gnaw off your own leg if it meant you could be free than stay here in a place where you didn’t feel comfortable. Even as Rey tells stories of her scavenging adventures back on Jakku to keep you interested, he can tell that you’re just glad that the attention isn’t on you as you eat as fast as you possibly can to get out of there as soon as you’re able.

               He wasn’t going to say anything as you slowly move your chair away from the table, trying to appear as inconspicuous as possible, but Finn seems to pick up on it regardless. “Leaving already?” Finn asks, and you visibly hesitate, as if you were caught doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing.

               “I should really go check on Ani,” you explain, the trepidation palpable in your voice. “But uh, I’ll see you guys all tomorrow, right?”

               “Bright and early,” Poe confirms as Finn ducks behind Rey, blasting you with finger guns. You just laugh as you shake your head and give a small wave as you turn to make your way towards the crowd, heading back to the relative safety of your room. “Well, at least that wasn’t awkward.”

               “It wasn’t terrible,” Rey says as she rolls her shoulders before she turns back to Finn. “So what was all that about?”

               “Taking her to the blasting range tomorrow,” Finn replies with a light shrug of his shoulders. “Tried fighting with her, but honestly, our styles just don’t mix. She is strong, though, I’ll have to give her that.” He turns to face Poe. “So how was flying this morning? Did she really almost crash a ship?”

               “No,” Poe replies with a light chuckle as he shakes his head from side to side. “Definitely not as confident about it as she is with her staff, though.

               “Does it still hurt?” Rey asks as she raises her eyebrows, and Poe just shakes his head from side to side as he rubs the spot on the back of his head that had been considerably sore the past few days.

               “Naw, I think it’s mostly all healed up,” he replies as he slowly lowers his hand. He hesitates for a moment before he gets up, sliding to sit in the free spot that no one had occupied before to the left of Finn. “So,” he whispers, lowering his voice conspiratorially. “Did she happen to say anything to you guys about Kylo Ren?”

               “Uh, yeah,” Finn says as he dips his head forward, missing the troubled look that crosses Rey’s face. “She was practically _gushing_ over him, I mean, apparently they were close, close enough that he even let her use his lightsaber. She’s got some serious Stockholm.”

               “If that’s what this is,” Rey offers quietly, and although they both turn to her quizzically, she’s not sure how much she should offer.

               “It’s not her fault,” Poe says as he spreads his hands. “We’re not saying that, we’re just saying it’s…”

               “Strange,” Finn says, and Poe dips his head forward in quick agreement.

               “He tortured her there,” Poe adds. “We know that he choked her, but did you know that Hux also locked her in a cell and tried to starve her to death? I don’t even want to think about the amount of times she or Ladson or any of them could have died while they were there. They’re all extremely lucky to make it out of there as it was.”

               “I felt that,” Rey offers softly, before she shakes her head from side to side, as if she didn’t want to remember any of it.

               “You felt-?” Finn asks as he raises his eyebrows. “I know you were thinking about it, but I didn’t know you were going to do it today, so soon.”

               “Like you said, it’s important to know what we’re getting into,” Rey says as she turns to Poe. “She’s strong in the Force, and I had to see if I can trust her before I start any training.”

               “And can you?” Finn asks. “Can _we_?”

               “I’m not sure,” Rey admits as she shakes her head from side to side. “Right now she’s very conflicted. You have to understand, although she was effectively his prisoner, he did care for her. I know it sounds hard to believe, I almost couldn’t believe it watching it myself, but-”

               “But that’s because of the Force bond, right?” Finn asks, and Rey hesitates before she shakes her head.

               “He cared for her before that,” Rey says quietly, as if admitting to an unpleasant truth. “The Force bond only developed _because_ he cared for her. She would not have been able to use the Force toggle on his lightsaber if not for the connection between them.” She hesitates for another moment before she looks up at them. “You’re right. Hux locked her in a cell and tried to starve her to death, but it was Ren who was the one that saved her, just as he saved her sister, and made sure that Ladson was well-treated on base, at least for a Storm Trooper.” She shakes her head again. “I almost can’t believe that what I saw was real, that he was actually _kind-_ ”

               “It’s weird,” Finn agrees with a nod of his head. “I can’t picture Ren having feelings for anyone, honestly. I’m almost surprised that he could have them.”

               “It’s disturbing,” Rey counters as she looks between them, which echoes a small laugh in response. “I don’t know what he went through to change him so dramatically from the time that he met her, but I don’t think the person he is now is the person she knew back then, and I think she’s starting to come to terms with that.”

               “But after what he did to Luke and the others?” Poe pushes. “Let’s face it, he wasn’t a great person, or even a good person, even back then. He betrayed his family to join the First Order-”

               “And we know that,” Rey says quickly. “You know how much I despise him, but it’s important that we see this from her perspective. He kept the past from her. He didn’t tell her anything about himself. He was kind to her, and in her mind, he saved her. Remember, she didn’t know why she was there and they were almost executed for their involvement; I really do think that they all owe Ren for sparring their lives, and I hate that I just said that.”

               “I know what you mean,” Finn says as he shakes his head, playing with the cuff of his leather jacket. “I feel like I need a shower.”

               “So when you say she’s conflicted,” Poe says, leaning forward again. “What does that mean, exactly? Because from the way you’re telling it, she has plenty of reason to like him, and plenty of reason to hate us. Should we be a little more cautious about things?”

               “No,” Rey says as she shakes her head. “No, right now she’s just confused. She knows the terrible things he’s done and she’s trying to rationalize the person that she knew from the person that he is now. Remember, he never did come back for her, and she has plenty of reason to think that he abandoned her completely. And while she may not like what B did, I don’t think she has any ill will towards the Resistance.”

               “So we don’t have to worry about her being in contact with the First Order?” Poe asks, and Rey shakes her head.

               “I haven’t talked to Leia yet, but absolutely not,” she replies firmly. “She hasn’t had any contact with Ren in years and I doubt she would know how to contact them if she tried. She befriended Captain Phasma, but she has no loyalties to them.”

               “Friends with Phasma,” Finn mutters under his breath as he shakes his head. “How do you become _friends_ with _Phasma_?”

               “She gave her medicine,” Rey says slowly, as if she struggles to recall. “After Ren choked her, she gave her something to help with the healing. I’m not quite sure why; that’s something that she hasn't been able to figure out either.”

               “She had to have wanted something from her,” Poe says as he thinks it over. “Either that, or she was trying to earn her trust, hoping that maybe she’d share something that she wouldn’t tell Ren.”

               “Anything’s possible,” Finn admits. “But I know Phasma, and _nice_ just isn’t in her vocabulary.”

               Poe nods his head forward in agreement before he turns back to Rey. “But what about her and Ladson? Why are they here? What are they hoping to gain from us?”

               “I’ve seen a hundred guys like Ladson,” Finn says as he turns back to Poe. “I talked to him earlier; he’s had his head messed with some, but it fortunately wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Still, I’m going to be watching out for him, taking him around to meet some of the other guys, you know. He’s a bit nervous about it, but I can’t say that everyone wasn’t more or less in the same position he was when they first got here.”

               “I think he’s trying to find his place,” Rey offers. “Just like her. She honestly thought that her future was going to involve Kylo Ren, and she waited for that future and now she’s starting to accept the fact that he’s never coming back for her, that she has to let go and move on. She’s reticent to, but she knows that she has to, both for her and for Ani.”

               “I still can’t believe it,” Finn says as he shakes his head. “Kylo Ren has a _kid_ , like, he’s going to be scary once he gets older.”

               “No he won’t,” Rey says quickly. “Leia and I are going to be looking after him, making sure that he’s not going to be manipulated by Snoke and turned over to the dark side of the Force.”

               “What about her though?” Poe asks as he raises an eyebrow. “You said that she was able to use his lightsaber, right? If they’re bonded, doesn’t that mean she’s also pulled to the dark side of the Force?”

               “No, not necessarily,” Rey explains. “I sense darkness in her, yes, but there’s also light there too, and it’s up to her to choose a side.”

               “Well, let’s just hope she chooses our side,” Poe says as he pushes back from the table, crossing his arms over his chest as he leans back in his chair.

               “She wants to,” Rey says, glancing between him and Finn. “Truly, she does want to fit in here, although she’s worried.”

               “Worried?” Finn echoes.

               “She feels she may have told us too much,” Rey explains. “Leia told her that she could trust us and she’s trying to, honestly, she’s making an effort, but we need to make sure that she feels welcomed here.”

               “I think we’ve done a good job of that,” Poe says as he turns to Finn, who nods his head forward.

               “Perhaps, but she’s going to want more reassurance,” Rey continues. “And that’s going to take time. We know that Leia wants this to become Ani’s new home, but she doesn’t know that yet. She’s still trying to make up her mind and try to decide where she belongs. In her mind, staying here means she has to give up thinking about Ren for good, and she’s not sure if she’s ready to do that yet.”

               “I understand,” Poe says as he nods his head, but Rey’s forehead creases as a troubled expression crosses her face.

               “No, you don’t,” she replies. “None of us do. There is a lot of uncertainty within her, a lot of doubt, and it’s calling to the dark side. She wants to protect Ani, but I don’t think she recognizes that she might need more help than she’s willing to let onto.”

               “She does seem very independent,” Poe admits as he nods his head forward. “But then again, aren’t we all? You can still be independent and rely on others for help, they’re not mutually exclusive.”

               “I don’t know if she sees it that way,” Finn says as he turns to Rey. “What about her past? What about before Starkiller?”

               “I’m not sure,” Rey says as she shakes her head. “It’s not clear to me.” She quirks up her lip in a small half-smile. “But this could be good. It could be a good way of asking her about herself, to see how much she trusts us to talk about her past.”

               “Assuming she has nothing to hide,” Poe points out, but Rey just shakes her head.

               “I don’t sense that about her,” Rey concedes. “If she is, she’s doing a good job of blocking me out, but her thoughts are really…loud, like she’s not aware that she’s projecting when she thinks.”

               “So you can hear her?” Finn asks. “Right now?”

               “No,” Rey admits. “No, it’s only usually when she’s very close nearby, usually right next to me. I try not to listen, but it’s hard when the words are projected straight into your head.”

               “And that’s what you were doing tonight?” Poe asks, and Rey nods her head. “What was she thinking now, when she was with us?”

               “She didn’t think she belonged here,” Rey explains. “Right now, she doesn’t see a future with us here, and that’s what Leia wants her to have, and she’s counting on us to help make that happen.”

               “Can do,” Finn replies, and Poe nods his head in agreement.

               “Like you said, it’ll take time, but I haven’t met anyone we recruited that _doesn’t_ like it here,” Poe says with a shrug of his shoulders. “She’ll come around eventually.”

               “I’m optimistic,” Rey decided at length. “But ultimately, it’s going to be up to her.”

               “There’s just one thing that I can’t shake,” Finn says as he looks over at Rey. “If Ren really cared about her, why would he abandon her? Why would he leave her behind?”

               “I don’t know,” Rey says as she looks to Poe. “She said that he feared there was going to be an attack on the base, but-”

               “If there was one, it wasn’t from us,” Poe replies simply. “And we know it wasn’t from the New Republic either, which makes me think he didn’t want to tell her the real reason he sent her away.”

               “I have my theories,” Rey confesses. “But that’s all they are, and his behavior is too erratic to predict.”

               “Either way, it doesn’t matter,” Poe replies simply. “He’s gone, and she’s here with us. We’re not even going to give her time to miss him. Just like the General said, keep her mind occupied, keep her focused.”

               “But-” Finn starts, but is quickly silenced with a look from Rey.

               “Not now, not here,” she says as her eyes glance around the room.

               “I wasn’t-”

               “I know.” Rey pushes a quick smile to her lips. “But I could hear your thoughts, and I don’t want you to think about that, because then _I’m_ going to start thinking about that, and I don’t want her to pick anything up from me.”

               “You think she can?” Poe asks, but Rey just rolls her shoulders.

               “Right now, I don’t think she can pick up anything more than impressions,” Rey tells him. “But after I’m done training her? She’ll be more powerful than Ren, I have no doubts about that.”

               “You really think so?” Finn asks skeptically. “I mean, I know she’s _strong_ , but the Force-?”

               “The Force is with her,” Rey confirms as she nods her head. “She was trained as an adult, which Luke has already made _more_ than clear is very rare and difficult to do, but it seems to be becoming more and more common as of late, I suppose.”

               “Well, let’s hope she’ll be as quick a study on a ship as she is with the Force,” Poe says as he pushes himself back from the table. “And speaking of, I better get going myself. I need to check in with the General and give her a status update before I head to bed.”

               “I was planning on seeing her tomorrow morning,” Rey offers as she turns her head to look up at him. “So don’t worry about filling her in on all the details, I can tell her then.”

               “You got it,” Poe replies, and as they bid their good nights, Finn waits until Poe is out of earshot before he turns to Rey.

               “So, what do you really think of her?” he asks in a hushed voice. “Honestly?”

               “Honestly, I’m not sure,” Rey admits softly. “I don’t think we have anything to fear from her right now, but the hold that Ren has on her is strong, stronger than I would care to admit. They are bonded through the Force, and that’s not a bond that you can break easily, if at all. Right now there’s just not enough information to be able to know for sure.”

               “So even if we do all this, there’s a chance that she could still go back to him?” Finn asks, and Rey hesitates for a moment before she meets his eyes, dipping her head forward in a slight nod. “Damn.”

               “All will be as the Force wills it,” Rey tells him, placing a hand on his arm. “I sense that he has a role to play in her life yet, although I don’t know if Leia wants me to share that with her.”

               “I wouldn’t,” Finn says as he shakes his head. “It’ll make it that much harder to move on from him, and then she’ll never let go. It’s not fair to her.”

               “It should be her decision to make-”

               “-when she’s ready to make it,” Finn finishes for her. “You said yourself, right now she’s too conflicted to really figure out what _she_ wants. It’s not fair to let her spend her whole life waiting for Ren to pop back into it. She has to get over him and figure out what she wants for herself first, before he comes back, so she can figure out what she really wants.”

               “And you’re hoping it’s not him,” Rey teases.

               “No way,” Finn says quickly as he shakes his head. “Do you?”

               “No,” Rey exclaims, almost affronted. “No, you know how I feel about it. It took everything in me not to let it slip how much I hate him right then and there.”

               “No, you can’t,” Finn agrees. “If you tell her that, she may think you’re against him and then she may not want to work with you.”

               “Exactly,” Rey says as she nods her head forward. “Like Poe said, trust is something that is built over time. If we show her that we really do want what’s best for her and Ani, I’m sure she’ll make the right decision.”

               “Let’s hope.” Finn takes Rey’s hand in his as they get up and head out of the mess hall, completely unaware that that night, as they slept, the Force was already at work. While they had thought that they had weeks, months, perhaps years even, until Kylo Ren discovered that you went missing from your academia, it had taken only a few days for him to realize you were gone, and he was determined to do anything, absolutely anything, to get you back.

               While Rey, Finn, and Poe were determined to use your days to prove to you that you could have a home at the Resistance, Kylo Ren was determined to use your nights to get back into your mind and remind you exactly where you belonged, with him and him alone. He may have only been following Snoke’s orders, but a part of him couldn’t deny that there wasn’t a day that had gone by since he had last seen you that he hadn’t thought of you in some way. As much as you were conflicted as to whether or not you should move on and start a new life with the Resistance, Kylo Ren was entertaining the same doubts about the First Order. Should he try to flee from Snoke himself in order to start a new life with you and his child? Would you still even want to be with him?

               He was just as conflicted and confused about the situation as you were, only he was starting to consider that he just might know what he wanted, against all that he had worked for, he was starting to see that there was a different path available to him. He just didn’t know if he had the strength to do what needed to be done to take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one seemed like a good follow-up to post after last week's chapter....it's definitely interesting to know what they all first saw in her when she came to base...I feel like it adds another dimension to Candle and subsequently Glow, knowing where things go from there. 
> 
> But next week we jump back to the beginning of Candle, parallel to Chapter 1 where Kylo Ren meets his son for the first time, from his perspective, and I know you're all excited for that!! ^_^ Until then, cheers!!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Candle in the Night  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel to chapter 1, Kylo meets his son for the first time  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader, Ladson, Sadie, Baby Anakin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW Content Ahead

               This was a mistake.

               For one, it was far too public. He had landed on the planet in his Upsilon class shuttle and no less than two cargo transports carrying at least a dozen Storm Troopers each, which were bound to draw attention in the small landing strip on the western edge of the planet. The planet was far enough away not to get caught up in the diplomatic struggles between the First Order and the New Republic, which meant that while he didn’t have anything to fear of the New Republic getting there in time to launch an offensive against him, he did, however, have to worry about the spies planted at the academia reporting back that his presence had been noticed there.

               He had sent half of his troops to the academia in the hopes of… _fuck_ , he couldn’t even remember what he had honestly told them they were there to do. That was going to cost him later, especially when Hux was questioning him for arriving from his offensive much later than he had originally planned. He was going to have to do some serious tampering to the ship to make it look like they had needed to make a scheduled stop there for parts and hope that his incendiary temper would leave the rest of Hux’s questions at bay.

               But the truth was that he had to see you now, more than ever. Something was happening to him, something was changing within him, and he had to figure out what exactly that was, even when he couldn’t explain it to himself. He had helped to destroy an entire village of unarmed civilians that had possibly been in connection to Lor San Tekka, who Ren knew without a doubt had part of the missing piece he needed in order to get to Luke Skywalker once and for all. That should have been his primary mission. That should have been the sole thing that occupied his thoughts, but as his lightsaber cut through a young woman clutching a babe to her breast, he came to a sudden realization.

               He felt something. He wasn’t sure if it was guilt or pity or remorse, but Snoke had helped him to try to shut out those feelings, and it had gotten easier the more time passed out of his company. He still thought of you more often than he should, but it had gotten easier to deal with as he pushed away all of his unpleasant emotions in favor of his anger, his true source of strength. But when he had cut her down, he couldn’t help but think about you, defenseless and alone, and for a moment he had allowed himself to admit that he was weak, he was lost, he was confused, and a part of him almost didn’t care. A part of him almost felt relieved by the clandestine admission, as if this was a guilty pleasure he knew he had to reserve for himself alone.

               He couldn’t see you, and yet he had to. He had already done terrible things before you met him, but they were increasing with greater frequency and a part of him was starting to be drained under the burden of it all. It was easy to give the order and turn away from the destruction he was causing, but it was another thing to reduce their bodies to ash with his crimson blade. It called for blood, as Snoke commanded it did, but a part of him still couldn’t let go of what you might think of him now, if you knew the things that he had done, especially when he didn’t know how to look at himself. The mask rarely came off now, even in private, as he struggled to liberate himself from the person that he once was.

               But where did you fit into that? Moreover, where did his _child_ fit into that? It wasn’t an easy question, and while he knew that there would be no easy answers to such a question, he knew one of two things. First, he knew that Snoke would want his son trained in the dark side, but only when he was sure that Ren had surrendered himself to it completely. Snoke could see the connection that still pulled Ren towards the light, that fed his guilt and his confusion, but Ren didn’t know how you fit into the role Snoke wanted him to play. Would Snoke demand he cut you down in order to prove your loyalty to him once and for all, or would he let you be trained in the dark side of the Force so you could stay by his side?

               He didn’t know how to answer that question, especially taking into consideration that he had once sent you away simply to preserve that light. He had been given that option before and spurned it in favor of your protection, which was exactly what he was hindering by going to visit you now. Even still, he couldn’t help himself. He needed something from you that he wasn’t sure he could put into words. He needed you to look at him like he mattered again. He needed you to look at him like he was still a person underneath his helmet. He needed to know that even despite the distance, you still cared for him as strongly as you did when you were by his side.

               He needed to see his son.

               He was a father now, and a part of him honestly couldn’t wrap his mind around that notion. His own father had not been there for him growing up, too busy with starship racing to pay him any mind. No, both of his parents had sent him off with Luke so they could pursue their own careers and lead their own lives away from him. He had resented them both for it, and yet, wasn’t that _exactly_ what he was doing to his son, right now? He had abandoned both him and you in favor of securing his legacy in the First Order.

               But that was what he was destined for, wasn’t it? Snoke had reached out to him, specifically, because of his power, because he saw greatness in his future. He was never supposed to settle down and become attached to anyone; he was supposed to devote his life to serving the greater good of the galaxy by using his power to crush those who dared rise against them, maintaining order in a galaxy intent on spiraling into entropy.

               And that was what he had wanted. For a good long while, he had seriously thought of nothing else but how he could provide his services to Snoke and help him accomplish whatever it was he deemed fitting for his future. But now he had you. Well, rather he had _had_ you and then given you up in order to preserve what he had loved most about you. But just as he could feel himself changing, what if you changed as well? What if you resented him for his time away and wanted nothing more to do with him? What if he went to visit you and found you somewhat undesirable? After all this time, what if he suddenly looked at you and found no sentiments in place of the emotions that had once seemed so overwhelming to him. It was difficult to consider, and yet, wasn’t it possible? At least it would free him of this burden, and then he could go on with the First Order more or less untroubled.

               But the Force was with him, he could feel it. As soon as he disembarked from his ship, he saw someone that he just barely recognized waiting for him on the ground just beyond the foot of the boarding ramp, his chin up and his shoulders square as he held his hands behind him in parade rest, eyes set straight ahead. The two Storm Troopers that were with him held up their blasters as if he was a threat, but Ren simply lifts up his hand as a signal to lower their weapons.

               Apparently, they didn’t recognize LN-2829 without his helmet.

               As he descends the boarding ramp, he can see the muscles in the former trooper’s arms contract slightly as he stiffens, as if he was afraid, although of what he couldn’t be sure. Was he afraid that Ren was finally coming to take you away from him for good? Ren could feel a small pit of jealousy rise up in his chest that was considerably harder to push away than he had previously imagined it would be. He knew Ladson was of no threat to him, would not get in the way of his relationship with you, but the fact that he was able to spend his days and nights beside you in Ren’s place was more difficult to cope with than he would ever dare admit aloud.

               “How did you know to be here?” he asks as LN-2829 flicks his eyes upward towards the slit in his helmet.

               “I was on my way to market when I saw the ships,” LN-2829 responds immediately. “I needed to get some things for your son.”

               Ren’s eyes harden underneath the cover of his helmet as he steadies his resolve. “Where is she?”

               “I’ll take you to her,” he replies immediately, dipping his head forward in a curt nod before he turns and starts back the way he had come. With half of his troops going off to the central school to attract attention there, he was going someplace else, some place much more clandestine. As LN-2829 led him through the small, winding dirt roads that were adorned by thick foliage and verdant trees on either side, he almost dared himself to believe that he could just stay here with you, that he could resign from his post and simply spend his days and his nights here with you on this sleepy little planet.

               And while that was what one half of him wanted, the other half of him was firmly set against it. He had a mission, he had a sense of purpose that he was destined to fulfill. His life was more valuable than the lives of others; he had more to offer, more that he could control. He had power, and why should he simply squander it away when there was so much he could do to turn the tide of the galaxy in his favor?

               Then again, if he was truly as powerful as he wanted to claim to be, why had he not been able to keep you by his side? The answer, was, of course, that there were still people who were more powerful than him, but that could change, _would_ change. If he continued his training, he could become powerful enough to take on Snoke himself, but in order to do that and expect to succeed, he had to surrender himself to the dark side completely, and he couldn’t do that if he still felt his pull towards the light, though he wasn’t sure he was ready to let go of it quite yet either.

               But these were thoughts he set aside as a small, decrepit house suddenly came into view at the base of a large hill, seemingly set into the side of a cliff that led to a road curving up and around its right side. It was tiny, and for a moment he almost felt nauseous to consider that _this_ was where you were living now, that _this_ is where his son was going to be raised. And yet, as he approached, he began to feel something else, a wave of energy that felt so familiar and yet so foreign to him at the same time. He could feel you too, but it was somewhere in the background to what he felt as he approached the door as LN-2829 stood back and gestured for him to proceed.

               He hesitates for a brief moment before his gloved fingers tap against the back of the door as he waits for you to open it, the nostalgia of the moment bringing him right back to how he used to wait for you to open the door for him just like you did on the Starkiller Base. And yet, while the person at the door is carrying his child, he’s disappointed to see that it’s not you. In fact, it takes him a moment to place her until her hair falls away from the side of her neck and he can see the scar burned into her dark flesh.

               “Took you long-” She freezes instantly, her large eyes growing wider as she takes him in, clutching his son closer to her chest as she takes a few steps backwards into the room. It wasn’t quite the greeting that he had expected, but then again, he had expected to see _you_ and you were nowhere-

               “Sadie?”

               He can hear your voice from inside and it immediately propels him forward as he enters the small room. It was tinier than he wanted to dare imagine, the low roof almost squashing the top of his hood flat against his helmet. There was a small kitchen pushed off to one side, and two couches facing each other near a window on the far side of the room. Across from it was a small crib, and in the back of his mind, he realized that your entire house was probably just about the size of his bedroom back on the Starkiller Base.

               As he enters, he can see you sitting back on one of the couches, your knees tucked into your chest as your hair falls loosely around your shoulders. As he takes the time to appraise you, you take the time to appraise him, and he can feel your happy, nervous excitement as your eyes swept over his familiar armor. Any thoughts that he might have cared less for you immediately dissolved from his mind right then as he focused on you and nothing but.

               Well, almost nothing.

               “Took you long enough,” you venture, your voice filled with an even mix of wonder and awe, as if you honestly couldn’t believe that he was there. He had things to say, but he couldn’t say them with certain unwelcome parties still in the room. As he turns back to face Sadie, he holds out his arms for his son, hoping that she wouldn’t make his simple request any harder than it had to be. He seemed to be asleep, and for all intents and purposes, Ren was not sure he wanted to risk waking him by using the Force to compel her to hand him over.

               Instead, Sadie hesitantly turns to you for direction, and Ren could tell immediately that she was very attached to this child, one that wasn’t even hers to begin with. Regardless, it seemed she spent a lot of time around you, and it seemed that she and Ladson were playing a fundamental role in his son’s life. He wasn’t sure whether or not to be relieved that they helped ease at least some of your burden, or frustrated that they were taking on a role that he should have been there to fulfill himself.

               “It’s okay,” you say quickly as you gesture towards him idly with one hand. “It’s his child; he can hold him.”

               Sadie nervously cradles the baby for another moment before she places him in his large hands, making sure that he had the head supported in the right position before she let go and stepped away. He could tell that she was clearly uncomfortable being so close to him, but he had no plans to harm her or LN-2829 any more than he already had. They had been helping you take care of his son, and although he didn’t want to say that he considered himself in their debt, he resolved that he would show his appreciation for their endeavors by not bringing them any harm, which he was sure that they would be more than satisfied with.

               “I’ll just…wait outside,” Sadie says quickly as she scoots around his large form to give them privacy, and as she closes the door behind him, he can’t help but look down at the life form that was sleeping soundly in his hands. It was so small and so tiny, he could probably be able to support the baby in just one hand if he chose to do so. Regardless, he kept his hands where they were, trying to suppress the quick, nervous energy that he could feel starting to flood his veins. This was real. This wasn’t something that he had imagined. When he had made love to you for a final time, you had gotten pregnant and you had conceived a child, _his_ child, solid, tangible proof that what he had experienced with you on the Starkiller Base was real and not just some fabrication of his conscious.

               He lets out a slow breath, immediately disliking the sound it made through the voice distortion of his helmet. Afraid that it might wake him, he slowly shifts the baby cautiously in one arm and undoes the mechanism on the base of his helmet and slides it up and over his head before casually tossing it onto the couch beside you.

               “I knew you’d come back,” you say as you hug your knees tighter to your chest, as if you could almost barely contain yourself.

               “I’ve missed you,” he says quietly as he comes over to sit beside you, leaning over the baby’s head to plant a quick kiss against your lips that quickly leaves his wanting more. Instead, he settles back into the couch next to you as he holds his baby in his arms, surprised by how normal this seems. He had almost expected the atmosphere between you to be tense and awkward, filled with all the things that you had wanted to say to each other in his absence, but no, he still felt as connected to you now as he did back on the Starkiller Base, as if no time had passed at all since he had been gone.

               “I missed that,” you reply as he slowly pulls away, and Ren can’t help but let the corners of his lips quirk upwards as he stared down at his son. He had never seen a baby this close before, never held one, and it was almost hard for him to imagine that this little bundle of cells that he had created was really and truly his. “He’s just like you. He has your temper and everything.”

               He smiles as he shakes his head, trying to disguise how uncertain he was when he considered that his son might be prone to the same violent fits of mood that he was. Hopefully it would be something that you would manage to temper, much like you had much done with him back on the Starkiller Base. As he stares down at this little being, he suddenly realizes that he has no idea what to call him. “Have you named him yet?”

               “No, I was waiting for you to do that,” you reply, and Ren can feel a soft smile rise to the corners of his lips once again. “I didn’t know if there was any sort of family name that you wanted to pass on.”

               The thought had never actually occurred to him before, but as you said those words, a name immediately leapt into his mind. “Anakin.”

               “Anakin?” you repeat, and Ren is more than just a little unnerved about how dismissive you seem towards the name. “Anakin Ren?”

               The implication that his son would grow up to become one of his Knights was abhorrent to him, and he can’t help but turn to glare at you as you look down and away. His son was going to be someone great, of worth, of note, and he wasn’t going to be someone that simply followed orders. No, he was going to be powerful in his own right, and though Ren was not quite sure how to accomplish such a task, he was going to make sure that it was done.

               “Anakin it is, then,” you relent. “If it means that much to you.”

               He’s about to argue that it does, but his expression softens somewhat as he realizes all that you didn’t know. You didn’t know that his grandfather had once been Anakin Skywalker, the best general to ever serve in the Clone Wars and the very last of the surviving Jedi before he had the strength to abandon their foolish ideology and set his own course as Darth Vader, choosing to follow what he believed was right instead of making the easy choice to stay where he knew he was not welcomed or wanted.

               “It does,” Ren says at length, keeping his voice firm to show that he had his mind set on this now, and he wasn’t going to change it. “It was the name of my grandfather. He was someone of great power, to be respect and admired.”

               “That’s fair,” you concede, and he’s almost relieved that you don’t seem willing to question him on the matter further. “He’s strong in the Force, I can feel it. He has your power coursing through him.”

               “And yours,” Ren adds softly, but you just shrug your shoulders.

               “But I’m no one,” you say as you look up at him. “But you? You’re the great Kylo Ren. If someone from the Resistance found out you had a child, I don’t know what they’d do. It’s why we need to-”

               He knew where this was going as soon as you mentioned the Resistance. “Stay here,” he says firmly. “It’s why you need to stay here, where it’s safe, out of harm’s way.” He may have lured you off base under the threat of an attack, but that didn’t mean that he was ready to risk your life in an actual one, especially now that the First Order and the Resistance had actually come to blows several times.

               “I was going to say, go with you,” you venture softly, making absolutely no attempt to conceal your disappointment with his decision.

               “It’s far too dangerous right now,” he insists. “Supreme Leader Snoke is very interested in him; he wants to train him in a few years, when he is old enough, but you need to keep him safe until then.” He had no idea if it would be a few years or less until he completely surrendered himself to the dark side of the Force, but he knew that giving you an undisclosed amount of time would only make you feel worse about the uncertain nature of when he would return than you already were.

               You just sigh and glance away, scowling at the implication. “So you’re just going to leave me to raise him alone then? For how long?”

               He had thought that by saying a few years he would pacify this response, but apparently, you weren’t going to be happy with that either. He had no idea how long it would take, how much he would change in that time; there were simply too many variables to consider and he didn’t want to provide you with false hope when he barely knew the answers himself.

               “I’ll visit as often as I can,” he says quietly, but it’s clear that you’re far from satisfied with this answer as well. Instead, you just press your cheek into his shoulder, and he tries to change the nature of the conversation before you said something that you didn’t mean and he didn’t want to hear. He didn’t want to hear you say that you may grow tired of waiting for him, although part of him considered that maybe it was better if you should. He wasn’t sure how he might change if he went over to the dark side, and although he didn’t want to send you and Anakin away from him for good, he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it would be safer for you if he did.

               “Is he always this quiet?” he asks, which earns him a brief chuckle from you.

               “Consider yourself lucky,” you murmur. “He usually never shuts up.”

               “Much like you then,” Ren replies amiably, happy to see the playful expression that crosses your face as you sit up to face him.

               “I’m terrible with him,” you admit as you glance down at your son. “I mean, I do my best, but Sadie can tell whether he’s hungry or sleepy or needs his diaper changed much better than I can.”

               “That doesn’t matter,” Ren replies with a quick shake of his head. “In a few years, you will teach him how to read, how to write, how to speak. He’ll inherit your gift with languages. You’ll teach him how to fight, and, when it comes time, I will train him how to use the Force.”

               “It can’t be that simple,” you reply as you roll your eyes back towards him. “Wait a few years and then we all just ride off into the sunset together to be one big happy family?”

               He just shakes his head. There’s so much he wants to say, but he can’t summon the courage to tell you the truth, and so he goes with the most objective statement he can think of. “When have you ever seen the sun set on the Starkiller Base?”

               “Never,” you admit glumly, and yet the words seem to freeze on their way from his ears to his brain. _Never._

               What was he even doing here anyway? As you just pointed out without even realizing it, there was no future with him and you together. As much as you both wanted there to be one, he sent you away for his own good. He had come here to do something, something that he couldn’t even remember now, but he wasn’t going to get any answers by seeing you again. To keep you safe, he couldn’t be a part of your life, and while he knew Snoke wanted his son, right now it was too new, too confusing and he hadn’t gotten a good sense of what to do yet. He wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t sure how to help you and he wasn’t sure what he wanted. What he wanted right now, in this moment, was to not be standing in this pitiful little house at the far edge of the galaxy reminding himself that he could never have what he really wanted, reminding himself to feel guilty for wanting the things that he had no business wanting when he should have had his sights set on more important things. He was jeopardizing that, his security, his future, just by being here, and he couldn’t deny what a massive, massive mistake that was.

               Still, even as he feels himself flooding with new emotion, you seem to feel the opposite as you reach up and kiss his cheek, letting the tip of your nose brush against the side of his face. He can feel your longing, feel your need for him growing, and that’s when he knows he has to leave, before he makes a bad situation more than he could possibly contain. “How long will you be here for?”

               “I should be getting back,” Ren says quickly as he gets to his feet, walking over and setting Anakin gently down in his crib. For some reason, suddenly holding him felt wrong, as if he was holding the child of someone else. He didn’t like how these new thoughts were suddenly swarming through his brain, crawling in and out of the narrow crevices of doubt that seemed to channel all of his insecurity. All he knew was he wanted you too. All he knew was that meant he had to go.

               “Getting back?” He can feel the conflicted emotions that rush through you, from fear to dread to doubt to confusion, and he doesn’t know which one he wants to appeal to at all, if any of them. “You’ve been here for not even ten minutes, and it’s a three day trip.”

               “We were returning from elsewhere in the galaxy,” he says stiffly as he shuffles from foot to foot, determined not to let himself be weakened by meeting your gaze. “I _decided_ to make an unscheduled stop, but if anyone realizes-”

               “You can spend the night,” you say firmly. “At least one night. I haven’t seen you in about a year and I gave birth to your child. You can spend one night with me.”

               “Here?” he asks as he glances around the small room. He didn’t know how to tell you that it made him uncomfortable to be here, to see you living this way. You deserved much better. He had no idea what your previous furnishings had been like when you resided within the walls of the academia, but he could understand why you couldn’t go back and live there after all that had happened. He just couldn’t help but feel guilty, and guilt was not a feeling that he felt often. If anything, it almost seemed to be a weakness that would later prove to be his undoing if he dared focus on his unpleasant thoughts for too long.

               “Yes,” you insist, and it suddenly occurs to him how stubborn you could be when you didn’t get your way. If you wanted something, you stopped at nothing until you were sure that you had it, and while that was a quality that he saw a great deal of in himself, he wasn’t sure how to feel about it now. “So when you’re back on base in that giant bed of yours, you can remember how I’m living down here, without you.”

               He shakes his head as he massages his temple with his fingertips. Well, if nothing else, that proved it. You were still connected, despite the distance and the time that had passed, you were somehow still able to pick up on the guilt that he had felt through the Force, and you were using it much to your own advantage, quite like what he would have done if he was in your shoes. Suddenly, he felt too burdened to keep struggling against this. He didn’t want to admit it, but he wanted you. He wanted to find solace and comfort in you again, that was what he needed right now and while turning away from you now would only serve to increase his rage and his frustration and bring him closer to the dark side, he couldn’t resist the pull that was drawing him into you.

               “Fair enough.”

               “Besides,” you continue as you take a small step towards him. “I know how much you missed me. I can feel it.”

               True, but he didn’t need you to convince him how much he wanted you when he could feel the lust building his bloodstream. He takes one large step towards you and seals the distance that had kept you apart once and for all as he leans in to kiss you. Immediately his hands are in your hair, urging your head forward, pressing his lips against yours with all the fervor he can muster. You return the kiss, grabbing onto the fabric of his clothes as if trying to convince yourself that he was really there and that this wasn’t just some kind of a dream.

               “I missed you,” you whisper quietly as you slowly pull away, and you linger there for a moment, keeping him close, before you grab him by his hand and pull him down a narrow hallway, past a closed door into a back room. This room was hardly any bigger, where a bed pushed against one wall seemed to take up almost of the space within that wasn’t used up by a small dresser in one corner of the room.

               “That’s where you sleep?” Ren asks, staring it down. It looked so small, he wasn’t sure how you managed to sleep in it, and if you had trouble fitting on it, then he could imagine how difficult it must be for _him_ to sleep on it. Glancing at it from where he stood, he knew for certain that his feet would dangle off the edge of the bed at his full height, and that was just to _lie_ on it. How was he supposed to try to fuck you on it?

               “It’s where I sleep,” you reply firmly, although he can’t quite read what you’re feeling. He senses your frustration, but he’s not quite sure if it’s with your humble furnishings or if its due to the fact that you wished you could have stayed on the Starkiller Base, with him. You seem to be able to sense his confusion as you confirm the latter. “See what I have to put up with while you’re not here?” Ren lets out a sigh as he’s once again struck by uncomfortable he is to be here, by how guilty he feels, but you seem eager to dissuade him from his wayward thoughts. “Don’t think about it. You’re not here for long and I want to make the most of our time together.”

               You were right. He wasn’t going to stay long, and he didn’t want to look back on his visit here with regret. True, he didn’t like where you lived, but that was not why he had come here. He had come here to see you and meet his son for the first time, and that was a memory that would hold him through many sleepless nights on the Starkiller Base while he whispered your name as he held a pillow close, wishing it was the warmth of your body there to comfort him instead.

               He starts to disrobe, taking apart his armor one garment at a time, while you sit back on the bed and watch him with a self-satisfied smile playing on your lips. “You have some new scars,” you observe as he slides his shirt off and discards it on the floor in front of him, and he barely glances down at his own abdomen.

               “They’re nothing,” he replies dismissively as he comes around to sit on the side of your bed, which creaked under his weight. You get up and immediately straddle him, centering yourself on his lap as you slide your legs around his waist. He slips his arms around you to hold you in place as you put both hands on either side of his face, leaning forward to kiss him again as you trap his bottom lip between both of yours before your lips move to his cheek.

               “I missed you so fucking much,” you whisper against his warm skin, and he can feel a surge of emotion flow through you as you wrap your legs around him just a little bit tighter. He knew how much you hated this, he could feel it. You hated that he would have to be gone for so long, hated that he was putting the First Order before you, hated that he had left you here to raise his child alone while he went off to fulfill a legacy that didn’t involve you in any way. In the back of your mind, maybe you did know that there wasn’t a future where you and he could be together, but that wasn’t his concern right now. Right now, you were here, and as the Force had guided you into his life, it would do so again if that was a place it wanted you to be.

               You seem eager to shake off the melancholy surrounding your situation as well as you reach forward and fist both of your hands in his long, dark hair, cradling his head back as you kiss him. He kisses you back, lips parted to give you better access to his mouth as you slowly roll your hips into his, gently trying to spur him on. He can’t help but let out a moan, deep and low in his throat, as he strokes your cheek lightly with the back of his knuckles, embracing the myriad of sensations that flooded through his system when he touched your warm skin once again.

               He’s disappointed to see you pull away, and you bite your lip and dip your gaze before you look back up at him, as if you were almost nervous. “You know you can be rough with me.”

               “I know I can,” he replies simply as he reaches up to nip at your earlobe. The truth was that he didn’t want to be too rough with you, not right now, not quite yet. Things between you were different now, although he couldn’t understand quite why. You were the same as you always had been, and yet now knowing that you were the mother of his child somehow suddenly took on deeper significance for him. He wasn’t quite sure if it was that or the fact that you had waited, that no matter how long you had been apart, you still wanted to be with him and him alone.

               You close your eyes and let out a soft moan as he works his way down the tender skin of your neck with forceful kisses before he submits to your request, biting into your shoulder and biting into the fragile skin there with his teeth. He can feel your body tense against his as all of your muscles contracted at once, pushing into him as if desperate for more contact.

               He can feel you roll your cheek against his own shoulder before your lips find his neck, kissing and sucking passionately as your short fingernails scratch down the smooth skin of his back, making him thrust his hips against yours as he let out a small moan of pleasure. He can feel your lips moving towards the base of his neck, sucking and teasing the sensitive skin just about his collarbone with your tongue. He moves one hand around to the back of your neck, holding you in place, keeping you there as you continue to nip and bite at his tender flesh.

               He remembered a time so long ago when he would have been averse to you marking him this way, when he would have been tentative to even let you try, and yet now he wanted you to leave as many marks on his pale body that you could, each and every one a reminder that you were real, that you were his. If anything, his submission to your fervent assault almost meant that _he_ was _yours_ in return, but he wasn’t comfortable thinking of himself in that way, not quite yet. He had never felt anything for anyone like what he felt for you, but at the same time, admitting that he was yours would only be admitting a weakness, and that was something that he wasn’t willing to entertain.

               No, you belonged to him and he was in charge, and to prove it, he suddenly shoves you off of him as he changes positions, pushing you down onto the bed. Your legs are still partially wrapped around his waist as he moves himself on top of you, a position he found a bit more difficult than he had wanted given how small the bed was. You seem about to say something, but he can’t risk you telling him to stop, not now, not when his cock is rock hard against your inner thigh, and he quickly reaches down and pulls up your shirt in response.

               You gasp and throw your head back into the bed as he bends down and quickly captures one of your nipples in his mouth, planting one hand on your hips to hold you in place as you squirm with need underneath him. He can feel your hips roll upwards towards his, and it’s almost too much for him to take as he bites down on your nipple suddenly, pleased to hear your small cry as you buck your hips up suddenly.

               He can’t conceal his smirk as he abandons your nipple to knead your right breast with one hand, moving to cover the left with his mouth. He can hear your soft whimper fill his ears as he sucks and licks at the tender skin at the swell of your breast. Your voice panting his name is barely anything more than a breathless moan as he digs his fingers into your hips, holding you tighter as his own desperation for you increased. He can feel your hips moving against him at a constant pace now, one hand fisting his hair as the other clutched desperately at the blankets between you, and it was a position that he recognized before. You were getting close, and he wanted to take you further.

               He moves off of you tantalizingly slowly before he pulls down your shorts in one swift motion and bites into the tender flesh off your upper thigh, right outside your opening. He watches contentedly as you gasp and throw your head back into the bed, arching your back so far you’re only supporting yourself by your shoulders, but he doesn’t stop there. Instead, he just continues to tease your clit, kissing and sucking at a frantic pace, using each hand to hold you in place as he worked.

               He can feel the tip of his nose brush against your clit, could feel your wet juices against his lips, and he couldn’t deny that it was almost intoxicating to taste you again. Somewhere along the line he forgot what it felt like to have your sticky cum on his tongue, and it was a sensation that he didn’t want to miss ever again. Still, he can sense you shift up onto your elbows, and he quickly moves his mouth away from your soaking entrance as he thrusts two fingers inside of you instead.

               “Kylo-” Your gasp is desperate and full of need as you shut your eyes and plop yourself back down on the bed, groaning from between clenched teeth. He can feel you just as desperate as you’ve ever been, can feel your body practically pulsing with lust between him as his fingers move in quick thrusts, watching you build against him as you course with need.

               _Now, Kylo, I’m ready, now._

Hearing your voice again in his head after all this time made him almost literally dizzy, made him feel more connected with you than he had ever thought he could be. It was a reminder that you were a part of him now, that you would _always_ be a part of him, and he couldn’t keep fighting what was so clearly destined. But those were thoughts he could dwell upon later. Right now, his only goal was pleasing you, and he quickly pulled himself into a seated position on the bed as you scooched over and slid down on top of him, bracing yourself on his shoulders as you lowered yourself onto his hardened length. You’re so wet and so ready that you slide down onto him easily, and he lets out a long, slow breath that you quickly return as he feels your muscles clench around him.

               But he doesn’t thrust too quickly, not quite yet. Instead he just relishes the feeling of being inside of you as he lays his cheek against your shoulder, skimming the soft skin there with his lips in a tender gesture. You were so soft, it was like running his lips against cashmere, and for a brief moment he was almost ready to insist that you had to come back with him, that he could not do this without you. He knew he couldn’t, but suddenly it was important that he said it, important to him that you _knew._ “I missed you,” he murmurs as he wraps his arms around you, holding you closer to him. “I wish I could take you back with me today.”

               “I know,” you reply, and he’s silently relieved to see you accepting this, to see you accepting what he had to do. You didn’t like it, and yet he knew implicitly that you were still going to care for him despite the distance. And he had no way to repay your loyalty except by this night and the hope that maybe in the future that things would change and he would be strong enough to figure out what he needed to do.

               You seem to be able to pick up on his emotions through the bond as you start to move your hips against his, and he quickly pushes you back to deepen how deep he was inside of you, still keeping his hands tightly around your waist to prevent you from slipping back completely. You put each hand on his upper arms, your fingertips digging into his muscles as he slowly lowers you back onto the bed, refusing to let himself slip out of you as he changes positions. Your arms glide over his arms, over his shoulders and finally wrap themselves around his neck as he lowers himself onto you, trying to get as close to feeling you as he possibly can without crushing you outright.

               He starts to move inside of you faster now, picking up the pace as he pushes inside of you faster and faster. He can feel your muscles contracting around him, can feel you trying to keep him close to you as he builds, feeling himself pulse with familiar need. He had thought of you so many times in his room when he was just left with his memory of what this felt like, but actually being able to feel himself move inside you again was better than anything he had remembered. One of your hands twist in his hair suddenly, pulling sharply at his roots, and he’s overcome with sensation as you rake your short fingernails down his back. He can’t help but let out a sharp breath as he dips his head to bite into your shoulder, tormenting you with his teeth.

               “Fuck,” he pants as he curses your name in your ear, and he can feel the air becoming thick in chest as he found himself getting closer and closer. He was sweating now, he could feel languid beads dripping down from his hairline as he thrusts his hips into yours as fast as he possibly can go.

               “Faster,” you beg as you nip down on his earlobe with the edge of your teeth. “Faster, fuck, faster.” He was already going as fast as he thought he could go, but he was not going to leave you disappointed. Pulling through his last reserves of energy, he moves faster and faster inside of you as you move your hips desperately against his, trying to match his rapid pace. You’re both soaked with sweat, and as he feels the tips of your erect nipples brush against his chest, you surprise him as you reach up and capture his bottom lip between both of yours, nipping at his lower lip before you pull away again. This small burst of sensation is enough to push him over the edge, and he can feel himself start to find his release inside of you as you start to unwind around him.

               He can feel your muscles clench, can feel your breathless gasp, can feel your whole body contract as you start to find your own release as well, and he mutters your name from behind clenched teeth as he tenses, stilling as he pumps out the last bit of himself inside of you. Suddenly, it’s too much for his body to bear and his quivering muscles in his triceps finally give way as he slips down and collapses on top of you, burying his face in your neck as you both try to catch your breath. He doesn’t want to hurt you, and so he shifts over slightly to lie next to you on the bed as much as he can, putting his flat hand against your stomach, still eager to keep you as close as possible.

               Your eyes glance up to meet his before they suddenly trail down his face to his neck, and he can see your eyes focus on something there, some gift that you had probably left him with. You gingerly reach up to brush it with the very edge of your fingertips, and while it hurts, he makes no move to withdraw from your contact. “You got a little something here.”

               “So do you,” Ren replies, and you just smile as you lean into him, cuddling into his side. He can feel your nostalgic thoughts starting to flood through your mind, memories of Starkiller Base when you must have gone to great lengths in order to cover up the marks that he had left you himself. He had never before considered how much you had to hide from your friends just by being with him, how much you had to deny and cover up, but it was something that he could appreciate as well. How many times did he have to ask Hux to repeat something because he had been too tired to properly pay attention? How many morning meetings and debriefings did he miss because he had spent all night watching you sleep, watching the slow inhale and exhale of each breath as you curled into him, desperate for his touch and his warmth?

               You weren’t alone. Everything you could ever experience, he could understand, probably better than you knew. He hated the loneliness he was putting you through, the isolation, but the safety of you and your son was paramount. If he were to defect now, you would be hunted, and he refused to risk your life because of his poor decisions. Gingerly, he takes one of your hands in his, pressing his lips against the pads of your fingertips in a gentle statement of affection. He may physically have to leave, but you were in his heart now, and he hoped that was enough to remind you that you would never truly be alone.

               “Are you going to be gone when I wake up?” Your voice is soft and gentle, and Ren can feel his resolve weaken a little bit as he senses the emotions flowing from you, from the bubble of despair in your chest to the tears that you refused to let fall. You wanted to be strong, or at least appear that way, and he could think of no words in order to comfort you besides respecting you enough to offer you the truth.

               “I think that might be best,” he replies as he echoes his safe, soft tone. He didn’t want to leave you at all, but it had to be done, and he would rather not see you cry, rather not put you in the unfortunate position where you felt compelled to try to convince him to stay, or worse, take you with him. Both options were impossible, and he didn’t want to have to dishonor your feelings any more by pretending to entertain them.

               “Do you still love me?” you ask softly, and he can feel a knife twist in his heart as he considers how best to respond. His first reaction is to call you stupid, to demand if you knew how much trouble you had caused him on the Starkiller Base and afterwards. You ruined his life. He was set for greatness with the First Order, and now any thoughts that didn’t entertain doubts about his purpose were filled with thoughts of you, of seeing you, of touching you, of caring for you. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it. He couldn’t bring himself to tell you how he really felt about you and verbally admit to such a weakness, knowing it would only give you more ammunition to convince him to stay.

               “You know I do.” That seemed like the best answer he can give as he purses his lips together and strokes the backs of his fingertips along your cheek to almost force himself against saying anything more.

               “Good,” you reply after a moment, and he just holds you closer as an unbreaking silence descends between you. In truth, he was almost a little hurt that you had to ask. It was something that he thought you knew, implicitly. Had so much time really stretched on in his absence that you were beginning to doubt what had occurred on the Starkiller Base? Had your friends been trying to turn you against him? He didn’t want to consider that unfortunate possibility, but perhaps it was true. He had been less than kind to the girl, but he _had_ saved her life, just as he had with LN-2829.

               He could peek into your mind, could see what they had been saying, but in the end decided against it. He wanted you to trust him, and he wanted you to tell him when you were having these thoughts, these doubts, so that he could absolve them. He knew just as well as you did how terrible the distance was, but his feelings hadn’t lessened at all in that time. Had yours, or rather, would yours, if he left you along for too long? How many months would pass in his absence before you decided that he had abandoned you for good? Surely you had to know that he would never do that, would never simply just leave you behind, but he resolved to try to see you more, no matter what he had to do, in the hopes that it would make your isolation just slightly more bearable. His son would be growing up, and he wanted to be there to see those crucial first stages of development: his first words, his first steps…

               You seem to be having similar thoughts, for when you speak again, your voice is small and distant. “You’re a father now.”

               “I know,” he replies quietly as he begins to think this through. He was a father, which meant that he had more responsibilities to you than he had before. It wasn’t right to just leave you like this, but at the same time, he had to consider your safety paramount to his own needs. He couldn’t risk losing you when he needed you to care for his son. As much as he hated thinking about it in those terms, it was true. His place was with the First Order, but yours was not. Your place was here, in relative safety, with your friends, just as it had been all along. He had never meant for you to get caught up in all of this, never meant for him to become so attached to you, never meant to put your life in jeopardy, but what was done now was done and he hoped that the Force would reveal its intentions in time.

               Suddenly a door opening and closing breaks the silence, and Ren sits up immediately as a cold, nervous energy shoots through him. They knew. It was someone coming to inform him that Hux knew of his whereabouts, that Snoke knew, that he been caught taking comfort in you and would have to face repercussions of his actions that no doubt involved an outcome unsavory to you and his child. Still, he can’t help but be perplexed as you seemingly dismiss these notions as you put your hand flat against his chest and push him back down.

               “Ladson?” you call out, and there’s a pulse in the silence where all he can hear is the nervous quake and shudder of his heartbeat as he tried to formulate a plan of what to do next. But the thoughts wouldn’t come, and fortunately, they were unneeded.

               “Just me,” the voice calls back. This voice was much more colloquial, not the stiff, nervous voice of LN-2829. “Don’t mind me. I’m just guarding the door, watching the baby.”

               “Thanks,” you call back, before you turn to face him, and he tries to force himself to relax. No one knew, at least, not right now. He wants to consider what to do when he returned further, but suddenly all thoughts of the First Order slip from his mind as you continue talking. “He sleeps here, with me.”

               Ren’s eyes flash as he can’t help the pit of jealousy that seems to sprout in the lining of his stomach. He knew what you meant to say, but he couldn’t help but consider the implications of that just the same. No, he would have to visit more. He trusted you, but the notion that if he failed to return and you moved on enough to let your son call another man his father, he wasn’t quite sure he knew how to deal with that.

               “Not with me, with me,” you continue as your tongue fumbles in your mouth in a weak effort to correct yourself. “In the couch, in the living room. He’s…less my friend and more of a bodyguard, since whatever you did to him.”

               Ren can’t help but let his shoulders rise and drop. Everything that he had done had been necessary, had been done in an effort to protect you, and he would sacrifice the lives of all of his Knights and his full battalion if it meant keeping you and his son safe. “I needed someone to protect you, someone you trusted. Someone who could help you get off the base if the event ever called for it.”

               “And it called for it,” you readily agree. “But it’s done now. We’re off the base. Can’t you relieve him of duty or something?”

               “You think he wants to?” Ren asks skeptically as he raises an eyebrow. He knew that you had practiced getting inside his mind, but apparently you had not seen as much as he had been able to gather. “He likes protecting you. It gives him a sense of duty, a sense of purpose. Remember how you would have done anything to help your friend, Sadie? He feels a similar kinship to you.”

               “Yeah, but in the end _you_ were the one who rescued Sadie,” you say pointedly as you jab a finger into his chest, and the corners of his lips quirk upwards in amusement for a brief moment. “She still does have that scar though.”

               Perhaps she did, but she also had her life and a small mark on her neck was far from disfiguring, in his opinion. Still, he doesn’t want to say anything that might put you on the defensive, and decides to shift the conversation in another direction. “I don’t think Hux has ever forgiven me for that.”

               “Good,” you snort, and if he’s not mistaken, you almost seem to be quite pleased with yourself. Even back on the Starkiller Base, you had begun to treat Hux as a rival of sorts, and he still wasn’t quite sure why. While Hux could be intolerable at times, he was also fairly predictable, and Ren appreciated that predictable people were fairly easy to appreciate when given the opportunity. He could understand why you would hate him after everything that he had done to you and your sister, but you seemed more than a bit elated to know that Hux was still upset that you had somehow gotten the better of him, and that was one aspect of your personality that he wasn’t sure came from you directly or was a byproduct of your connection through the Force.

               Fortunately, there’s no more talks of Hux or the past as you snuggle into his chest and close your eyes. He can tell that you’re sleepy, just about ready to nod off, gripping onto his arm just a little tighter as you realize that he would be gone the next time that you opened your eyes. “I don’t want you to leave,” you say softly. “I know you have to go, but I don’t want you to.”

               “I love you,” he reminds you, hoping those three words would be able to placate you enough. They were far from a valid reason as to why he had to leave you, but hopefully this would provide you with at least the smallest of comforts while he was away.

               “I love you too,” you echo, making sure he heard it back, making sure he knew that you felt as strongly as he did.  “Will you try to stop by and visit more? Like, I know it’s hard, but I’m sure you can make some sort of secret solo mission to come out and see your son more often, can’t you? Wouldn’t the Supreme Leader want you to do that?”

               No, he wouldn’t. In fact, he was almost sure that Snoke wanted him to see as little of his son as possible. You and his son were the only two things he cared about in the galaxy more than himself, and he knew that Snoke would view such attachments as a weakness, one that he could not afford to have. Snoke may have wanted to train his son in the dark side of the Force, but he somehow very much doubted that he would be involved in that training, no matter what he said to you. He had no idea if Snoke would train him directly, but these were thoughts he didn’t want to entertain. Right now, you were both safe here, out of harm’s way, and that was the way he wanted to keep things.

               “Just stay safe,” he says softly as he buries the tip of his nose in your hair in a gentle gesture of affection. “I’ll come back as soon as I can.”

               “You promise?” He could barely understand your words through your stifled yawn, but he just nods his head forward regardless.

               “I promise,” he replies as he puts one hand on the top of the head, gently stroking your hair back. He could feel your shoulders drop as your body completely relaxed beside him, and he was almost surprised how much he took pleasure in watching you succumb to such a small gesture on his part.

               “Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” you remind him, but your voice is light and teasing as you further resign yourself to sleep. This time, though, Ren doesn’t laugh, doesn’t smile, doesn’t take this any less seriously than you deserved.

               “Then I won’t promise you anything,” he says with some finality, somewhat relieved that he didn’t have to feel burdened by keeping up this lie. “I don’t know when I can return to you, but just know that I want to. And I’ll be thinking of you both, daily.”

               “I hope you do,” you murmur sleepily. “I’ll be waiting for you.” As you slowly drift off to sleep, he can’t help but feel his heart sink in his chest as he considered just how difficult this was for you. It was hard on him, yes, but he was purposely keeping information from you, insisting that he knew what was best for you, but how could he when he didn’t even know what was best for himself? He didn’t know how to protect you or his son, but he would figure out a way to keep you both as removed from this conflict as possible. When the time came that Snoke wanted him to come for his son, he would, and he would figure out what to do then.

               He wanted to stay longer. He wanted to hold you in his arms and feel your hot breath against his chest, but each stolen moment increased the risk that someone was going to find out where he was, and he refused to let himself be your downfall. He couldn’t. You had invested too much in him for him to fail you this way, and he would not let your loyalty to him go unrewarded. He wasn’t sure how he would eventually reunite with you and his son, but if the Force willed it, he would figure out a way.

               He gets up and tucks you in, telling you that he loves you one last time as he vows to return to you, eventually, before he gets dressed in his familiar armor, his helmet feeling considerably heavier than usual as he heads out into the pale excuse for a living room. LN-2829 must have heard the door opening or the sounds of movement inside as he’s on his feet in front of the couch when Ren walks in, standing with his shoulders squared at attention. 

               He pauses for a moment and looks him over. This was your friend, the one who was so devoted to you and your protection. He had done his job, and took it even one step further by protecting his son. “I told you once that you would guard her until it was time to return to base,” Ren says quietly, as his eyes drift from LN-2829’s face down to the sleeping form of his son.

               “Should I make preparations for our departure, sir?” LN-2829 asks immediately, but Ren doesn’t answer for a moment as he walks over to the crib.

               “No,” he replies as he glances down at the small, sleeping form. It lay over on its side, its tiny body moving in time to its rhythmic breathing, and Ren was again reminded that he could probably hold it in just one of his hands. “No,” he says again, a bit more firmly as he stands up straight to face LN-2829. “No, if and when the time comes, I will take her and my son back to base with me, but you are released from service.”

               LN-2829 turns his head to the side as if he doesn’t understand the words that Ren is saying. “Released?” he echoes hollowly. “I don’t understand. Have I done something wrong? I have obeyed every instruction-”

               Ren sighs as he considers removing his helmet in a rare show of solidarity, before he decides to leave it on. “You have fulfilled every request I have asked,” he tells him. “You have watched over her and my son. If you will continue to do so, you may do it on your own terms, but you are released from your obligation to me and the First Order.”

               LN-2829’s face twists in confusion as if he’s physically trying to understand what’s being said, or perhaps why Ren was offering what he possibly perceived as a kindness. Ren had his own reasons for this, besides earning your increased affection, but he didn’t feel inclined to share with LN-2829 that his motives were less than altruistic. If anything, LN-2829 probably was trying to understand his ulterior motives as well.

               Instead, he just turns back to his sleeping son and gently reaches out, brushing his fingers against the curve of his spine. The child wriggled and cooed in his sleep, but did not awaken. He didn’t know anything about children, but were they supposed to sleep this often or this long? He couldn’t be sure. Then again, if he stayed to see if his son would awaken, he might be fussy, and Ren had no desire to deal with his temper if it was anywhere near as bad as you said. He was not quite yet sure he truly knew how to control himself, and he would _never_ be able to forgive himself if he hurt his son in an all too familiar moment of anger.

               “Take care of her.” His tone is clipped as he stands up straight again, barely glancing at LN-2829 over his shoulder.

               “I will,” is the solemn reply, and he’s glad to hear it. Although he had relieved him of duty, he wasn’t going anywhere, of that Ren had the utmost confidence. He cared about you too much to let you take care of Anakin on your own, and he was almost relieved that you had him and your sister there to help take care of things. Some people, like him, were bred for isolation, destined for loneliness, but you were not. You genuinely cared for other people, and they could see it and respond in kind. To lock you away with him and keep you from the world would be selfish, but then again, that didn’t seem to bother Ren as much as it could have. There were much worse things that he had done in his past, and still worse things that he was yet to do in his future.

               And while he wanted you, he at least loved you enough to know that you couldn’t be a part of that. Maybe one day he would be able to free himself of his ties to the light side of the Force and do what needed to be done, and in doing so, Snoke might let him return to take his son and train him as he should have been trained as a youth. He wasn’t sure what would be your fate, but hopefully if he was freed of his guilt and his burden he would no longer care. He couldn’t bring himself to. The further and further he got from your door, the more he tried to convince himself that he didn’t need you, that he was destined for the greatness that Snoke had promised him and he would stop at nothing in order to see his final mission.

               But that night, as he tried to drift off to sleep, he could practically feel your warmth against his hands, could practically feel your lips on his neck, could almost taste your cum on his tongue and he couldn’t help but torment himself by replaying it over and over in his mind. Either he wanted greatness or he wanted you, and there wasn’t a doubt in his mind that he couldn’t have both. The only thing he could do was wait and let the Force dictate his future. As much as he didn’t want to put his destiny in the hands of fate, if he truly _was_ destined for greatness, it should present itself to him no matter what choices he made, shouldn’t it?

               It never once crossed his mind that you might be destined for greatness of your own. It never crossed his mind that the Resistance might find you on your home planet. It never crossed his mind that you would actually go with them if he ever failed to return.

               It never crossed his mind until it was already too late, and it was then and only then, did Ren realize that he might have made the wrong decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And after jumping back to the beginning, we're going to jump back towards the end of Candle....Reader's last visit and their escape from D'Qar, which is definitely one of my favorites. I know this chapter was fairly long and the next one will probably be as well, just a word of warning. Until then, cheers!!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Candle in the Night  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel to chapter 38, the final chapter of Candle  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader, Captain Phasma, Ani

               It was time.

               He could feel the seconds growing closer together, pressing against his skin, as he waited for his inevitable release. This would all have to be fast, he knew that implicitly. There was still a chance that this could fail, that this could all go horribly wrong, despite his best plans and preparations. He knew that Phasma would not underestimate the severity of his situation or the rigid defenses of D’Qar, and yet there was still a chance that the Force would be siphoned from his body and he would be sent off to the Republic for his inevitable execution.

               That couldn’t happen, he could not _let_ that happen. He couldn’t stand to see everything he had worked so hard for crumble into dust, and yet that appeared to be happening despite his best efforts. He had turned away from the First Order, set in the resolve that he could at least turn to a life with you and his son, only to find that you had abandoned him as well. Despite your best efforts to keep a shield up between you, he could still feel you. He could feel that you were happy and while he was at first nauseated by the fact that you were seeking solace in someone else, a part of him knew that it was his fault. He had abandoned you. He had left you on neutral territory unguarded; leaving you there at all, well, that was his first mistake.

               And he wanted to make it right, only to find that that door now seemed closed to him. If Phasma couldn’t pull off this escape, he would never have an opportunity to see you, never have an opportunity to try to repair the damage he had caused you. In truth, he wasn’t quite sure how you felt about him now. He could sense your feelings, but a part of him wondered if you were only trying to feel that way for his benefit, to fuel his jealousy through the Force bond as punishment for the years you had spent alone, and while he could understand it, the thought left him bitter.

               As much as he disliked that option, it seemed almost impossible for him to believe that you were with the pilot because you had completely moved on from him. You hadn’t, he knew you hadn’t, and he had even stooped so low as to ask his son how you felt. He had never felt more pitiful than in that moment, but Anakin had assured him that you still loved him, that you still wanted to be a family if you could be. That was when something broke within him, something deep and buried that he hadn’t even known had still existed as he admitted his plan of escape and assured his son that they would all be a family again someday, if that was what you wished for. While he had asked Anakin to keep it a secret, a part of him had hoped that he might reveal his plan to you, if only for another chance to see you again. You seemed insistent on avoiding him, and he had to even stoop so low as to request his _mother_ to ask you to come see him. He needed you so much it was almost to the point of physical craving, his insides growing cold and numb with the thought of never being able to touch you again.

               But what was in the past would have to stay in the past and he would have to trust the Force to show him the path that he was meant to follow. After all, Snoke was weak now, he could feel it. Luke and the scavenger had become stronger than he had initially wanted to believe, and while he had once thought that Snoke was the most powerful being in the galaxy, it appeared that this was a battle that he just might lose. He wanted to close his eyes and focus, wanted to try to sense more of the battle as it played out, but with Phasma steadily approaching, he couldn’t keep his thoughts under control. No, they seemed to be bouncing off the walls of his skull as he paced about the room, eagerly awaiting his freedom.

               Suddenly he heard one of the doors open, and it was all he could do not to run towards his freedom. Still, reserve held him back. While it very well could be Phasma, it could also be his mother, perhaps sensing Snoke’s downfall as well. As he turned to face his visitor, he almost couldn’t believe that it was you standing in front of him. Two weeks had gone by without a visit, without any word, and now you were finally here, on this night, of all nights. Either his own shield had been slipping as well, or this was a sign from the Force.

               “Surprised to see me?” you ask as you cross your arms over your chest and lean against the wall just inside the door. “Were you expecting someone else?”

               This seems like a pointed comment, and Ren lowers his arms as he turns to face you. “Surprised you actually came,” he admits. His voice is soft, gentle, knowing that even the hint of an outburst might send you running from this room forever. “May I ask why you did come?”

               “I thought you needed something from me,” you tell him. “Is there something you need?”

               He needed to fuck you against the wall of this room, to feel the cool skin of your breasts brush against his chest as he took you rapidly, feeling you bite down into his shoulder as you groaned his name behind gritted teeth. He wanted so badly to feel your lips brush against his, to feel your warm skin underneath his hands, and yet he forced himself to push these thoughts away. This was not why you were here. This was not why you had come, and if he wanted to make amends, he was going to have to remember just what he did to make you fall so in love with him in the first place. As he recalled, he had almost choked you to death, then he had left you alone, and then he had kissed you. Not only did he not want to hurt you again, he knew already it would not be quite as easy as it had been before. You would only fight back, and he wasn’t quite convinced either of you could stop yourselves if it happened to go too far.

               “Your forgiveness.” The words are out of his mouth before he can truly make sense of them, but they seem as good as any as he stops pacing to turn to face you.

               “Why now?” you ask him as you narrow your eyes in suspicion. “Why after all this time? Does this have something to do with Snoke?”

               The corner of his lips quirk upwards as he considers this. For some reason, he had thought that you were far enough removed from Snoke that you wouldn’t have felt it, but maybe the Force bond had connected you too in that regard. “So you feel it too.”

               “I feel _you_ ,” you reply, confirming his suspicions. “You seem nervous. On edge. I’ve never really seen you like this before.” You hesitate for a moment, as if afraid to ask the question that was really preying on your mind. “Have they done it? Has Snoke been defeated?”

               “He’s weak,” Ren admits. “The scavenger has become extremely powerful. Between her and my uncle, I fear the worst.” You tilt your head to the side as you study him, a crease forming in your forehead as you look down and away, considering just what would happen to him when Snoke was destroyed and he had far outlived his usefulness to the Resistance. “You’re concerned for me,” he manages, shaking his head from side to side. He had been hoping that you still would be, that you still cared, but he had begun to grow doubtful that he could ever acquire your affections again. Still, he decides to push this a bit further, testing your reaction. “Even after everything with the pilot-”

               It seems to have the effect he was looking for as your face flushes. He watches you ball your hands into fists as you drop them down to your sides, clearly at the height of your frustration. “And what has Ani told you about that, exactly?”

               “Nothing,” Ren replies simply. What he and his son talked about what private, and he was not going to betray Ani’s confidence in him. Their discussions were strictly between father and son, and he wanted to keep them that way. “But I can feel you. I can feel you… _happy_.” The last word comes out more venomous than he had originally intended, but he could barely bring himself to control it. He wanted a life with you more than anything, and you were replacing him with someone else, someone who hadn’t betrayed and abandoned you, and now it appeared it might be too late for a second chance.

               “I wanted a family,” you tell him quietly. “I wanted a family with you, me and Ani; I’ve wanted that for the longest time. Like, I would have given anything, absolutely anything to have that chance for the three of us to be together, but you turned your back on us. You left, and now you’re here and you have to suffer the consequences of what you’ve done. I want a family, better than I ever had growing up, and I want Ani to have parents, a mother and a father, even if that father’s not you. And I’m sorry for that, and a part of me wishes that things could be different, but they’re not and they’re not going to be, so I had to move on.”

               Your voice was so defeated and yet so resigned that it physically made his heart ache, as if it had gotten too big for his chest to properly contain. You wanted this, yes, but what was more, you _still_ wanted it, although whether he could get you to admit to that remained to be seen. “Do you remember what I asked you before?” he asks as he takes a step towards you, slowly, trying to make sure you won’t run out on him again. “I asked you if I wasn’t a prisoner here, would you still choose to be with me?”

               You let out a sigh and for a moment you seem to honestly consider his question, as if searching yourself for an honest answer. Finally, you drag your eyes back up to meet his, your jaw set and your eyes full of purpose. “I would.”

               He couldn’t hold himself back even if he tried to. In a moment, he’s in front of you instantly, pushing you back against the wall, pinning you there with his hips as he takes your face in both hands, kissing you fervently and desperately. He had deprived himself of your touch for years, but now being so close to you, to feel you every day without being able to touch you, was worse than he could properly describe. You kiss him back, a bit more gently, but you let him take control as you run your hand along the nape of his neck, stroking his cheek with your thumb.

               He can feel you, and while your lust didn’t match his own fervent need, he could tell that you still wanted more. Moreover, he could tell that you still cared for him, that you had deep down accepted the fact that your bond would always keep you connected to him, that no matter what happened in the past, your future would always be connected to his, just as his was to yours.

               “I’m sorry,” you say quickly as you pull away from him, but Ren doesn’t move as his hands slip underneath your shirt, squeezing your waist in both hands. “I’m sorry but I can’t do _that_.” Ren just stares at you for a moment, trying to figure out what it was that you suddenly didn’t want him to do. “I’m with Poe,” you say softly, a hint of apology palpable in your tone. “Like, I’m _with_ him. We’re, I don’t know, involved. It wouldn’t be right.”

               “I forgive you,” Ren says quickly as he bends down to start kissing your neck. It didn’t matter to him that you had been involved with the pilot so long as you didn’t love him. He had seen enough of Hux’s conquests to know that sometimes sex was just sex, a desire to touch and be touched, and although there was always the possibility that it could lead to something deeper, you were bonded to him through the Force and there was no way that anything you did with the pilot could possibly shake that connection.

               He starts to press his lips against yours again, but you quickly pull away. “You forgive me?”

               “For being with him,” Ren says quickly as he tries to lean in to kiss you again, but suddenly you pull away from him.

               “I didn’t get involved with him to make you jealous,” you say quickly as you take a few steps away from him, as if desperate for physical distance.

               “I know,” Ren replies quickly. “No, I know, you needed someone to be there for you. I understand.” He didn’t understand, he really and truly didn’t. He could feel that you still wanted him and yet you were putting up barriers between you that didn’t need to be there. Had something more happened that he was unaware of? Was there something else you held against him that he had yet to atone for?

               “I should go,” you say after a moment, and suddenly Ren’s heart skips in his chest as he grabs you by both arms.

               “Stay with me,” he insists as he tries to kiss you again, but you just squirm away.

               “Listen, Kylo,” you say quickly, using the Force to physically push him out of your space. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to play pretend. That’s why I stopped coming by here the last time. If you want to have a relationship with Ani for as long as you can, that’s fine, I won’t get in the way of that, but you and I are done. Do I want to be with you? Yes, a part of me really does. I’ve wanted it for so long I don’t think I can stop wanting it now. But can I be with you? No. So it’s not really a question of if I love you enough, because love doesn’t matter. It’s not enough. It’s not going to change the circumstances, so there’s no point in drawing out whatever’s between us.”

               He understands, but that only makes it worse. He hates that you’re saying this, hates to watch you try to convince yourself of all the reasons you can’t be together. He can’t tell you the truth, can’t tell you now that he’s planning on escaping and taking you with him, not when he’s not quite sure how you would react. He knows that anger will only drive you further away, but hearing you insist that you were done with him was almost more than he could take. “And how does the pilot feel about being my replacement?” he asks testily, regretting the words almost as soon as they’ve left his lips.

               You bite your lip, staring him down as you shake your head from side to side. “Poe’s not a _replacement_ ,” you tell him testily. “He’s just _different_. You and he and both two different people, you have both played a very different role in my life, and-”

               They were close.

               He didn’t know how to explain it, but they were suddenly _very_ close, he could feel it.

               “Where’s Ani?” he asks suddenly, and you tilt your head to the side in confusion.

               “In our room,” you reply as you shrug. “But now that you mention it, Ladson’s not even there right now so I should be getting back to him. I don’t want him to wake up and find that he’s alone in the apartment.”

               Ladson was gone. That was one less defense he had to worry about. He had almost considered asking Ladson to come with them if he was. His services had been invaluable last time, and he felt that you might actually be more welcome to leaving the Resistance base with him if he was there with you. “And the pilot’s not there?” Ren asks, letting some light amusement drift into his voice to disguise his true intentions.

               “No,” you reply firmly, and Ren tries his very best to not seem as excited as he truly felt as you continue. “No, like I said, you’re two very different people. Poe and I are both extremely independent. We don’t need to be around each other constantly, and I don’t have to worry about incessantly checking in on his emotions to keep him grounded like I had to do with you.”

               Ren’s expression sours as he looks away, physically unable to bring himself to meet your eyes. He had often chided himself on the Starkiller Base for being such a burden to you, but each time you had said that you liked doing it, that you liked feeling closer to him. Had you been telling the truth then or just taking a moment to play on his insecurities now? You seem to realize that you’ve taken this too far as you let out a sigh and shake your head from side to side.

               “I’m sorry,” you offer. “Look, I didn’t mind what we had. I liked what we had. I liked that we relied on and depended on each other, like we were, I don’t know, some sort of team, but that was what we _had_. Key word there, past tense. It hurts too much to think about-”

               They’re close.

               They’re coming.

               They’ve breached the atmosphere.

               “You should get back to Ani,” Ren says quietly as he turns away from you and sits on the edge of his bed. He had wanted to take you with him, more than anything, but it appeared that your heart was set on staying here at the Resistance. Time would be short, and if you had really convinced yourself that you and he were better apart, was there really anything he could say that could change your mind if you were really over him for good? No, he decided, he couldn’t. He didn’t want to leave you behind, didn’t want to leave his son behind, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep you forever if you were truly set on coming back here anyway, and then he would only be risking the security of one of Phasma’s hideouts when you inevitably returned.  

               Just when he seemed resigned to give up any hope that you honestly still cared for him, you walk over to him quickly, taking his face in both hands as you lean down to kiss him. “I know it’s not going to help what’s going to happen next,” you say softly. “But I do still kind of love you, and I do wish we could still be a family. I just, I don’t know, I thought you might like to hear that.” It wasn’t just something that he liked to hear, it was something that he _needed_ to hear. This was, by your own admission, something that you wanted. You wanted to still be a family with him, despite the circumstances, and that was something he could grant you.

               “But that’s why it’s too painful for me to keep coming back here,” you continue, and this was not something that Ren wanted to hear as he tries to channel his thoughts elsewhere. “It hurts too much. I’m trying to move on, and I’m trying to rebuild my life, so I don’t think I can come back here anymore. I don’t think I can see you again.”

               “Fine,” Ren says quietly, trying to figure out what he could say now that would get you to just _go_. He wanted you with Ani when the time came, and the time that he had left on this base was down to minutes now.

               “Are you finally being selfless for once?” you ask with a small laugh as Ren stands up and wraps his arms around you, holding you close. You didn’t know it right now, but the next time he would hold you like this, it would be outside of this cell, on a ship heading towards a new life with his family, he was sure of it.

               “Do you forgive me?” Ren asks, letting the words slip out of him. If he was starting a new life with you, he wanted to make sure everything that had happened in the past had been forgiven, so he could start his life with you anew and prove to you once and for all that he truly was going to remain dedicated to you and his son.

               “Sure, why not?” you reply, although you don’t seem to be taking his request that seriously. Ren pulls away from you as he holds you at arm’s length, trying to convey with his eyes how important this was to him. “Yes, Kylo. I forgive you.”

               “Good.” That was all that needed to be said as he leans forward and kisses you quickly. “Now please go back to Ani. I don’t like you leaving him alone.”

               “He’s a big boy,” you counter. “He can take care of himself.” Even still, you seem to hesitate as you head back towards the door, as if you suddenly didn’t want to leave. “I love you,” you venture quickly before you rush through the doors as they open, and he lets a soft smile pull at the corners of his lips as he settles back against the wall. You wanted to be a family with him, and he would not deny you of that, not anymore. It wasn’t even the case of waiting years, or weeks, or even days now. It was less than an hour until he could finally have the chance to leave this base and start his life with you, once and for all.

               He could barely contain himself as he paced back and forth like a trapped animal in a cage, yearning for freedom. He could try on his own to break through the Force lock, but he wanted to conserve his strength for trying to get off base. He didn’t know how much of it he would need, but in the back of his mind, he seriously considered the possibility that you may not go with him as willingly as he had hoped. You seemed intent on insisting that there was no way it would work out with him caged, and he simply didn’t have the time to convince you otherwise. No, he would do what he had to do, sure that you would forgive him for it in time. You didn’t need to kiss him before you left, or tell him that you loved him, but you had, still trying to reassure him of your feelings even when you felt all seemed lost. If you did not give up hope on him, he wouldn’t give up hope on you, or his future with you and his son.

               Suddenly, he can hear shouting from outside the corridor, and he can feel his heartbeat pounding away in his chest. It was time. They had come. He can hear the sound of blaster fire being exchanged, and he stands up quickly, ready to leave this accursed place once and for all. “Ren!” He can hear Phasma’s voice from out in the corridor. “Ren, are you in there?”

               “I am,” he calls back immediately, his heart suddenly skipping a beat as he realized his helmet was gone, that he would have no protection against their lingering looks. It didn’t matter to the people at the Resistance, of course, the people who would never see him as anything more than a monster, mask or no, but few troops had been able to see him without his mask and live to talk about it.

               Still, he doesn’t have much time to debate this now. “Get away from the door!” Phasma calls, and he can hear the high-pitched whine of a thermal detonator as there’s a sudden explosion. He quickly hunkers down, shielding his head with both arms as tiny bits of wall fragments strike against his forearms. He lowers them quickly as he turns to look where the door had once stood, only to find it completely gone. The explosive had taken out not only a good chunk of both walls, but the doors as well.

               “Apparently the Force isn’t much good against explosions.”

               He can hear her voice much more clearly from out in the corridor, and he quickly makes his way past the burning rubble as he steps out into the corridor for the first time in weeks. “Sir.” Captain Phasma immediately salutes him, and the rest of the soldiers follow suit, although Ren is disappointed to note that she only has about eight of them with her.

               “Where are the rest of your forces?” Ren snaps angrily, glancing past her down the hall.

               “Setting up a diversion tactic,” Phasma replies evenly as she lowers her hand. “I’ve ordered my troops to spread throughout the base to divert their numbers and keep the focus of their presence away from the hangar.”

               It was smart, and not for the first time, Ren couldn’t help but note that she was much better at strategizing than he was. For the first time, though, it didn’t actually seem to bother him. “We need to move,” Phasma says quickly as she starts to lead the way back down the hallway, and he follows step by step beside her, the rest of the Storm Troopers filing in line behind them. “The hangar is up this way. If we hurry-”

               “We need to get them first,” Ren says immediately, his dark eyes almost manic at the thought of leaving you behind. “I’m not leaving without them.”

               “Ren, there is _no_ time-”

               “They’re on the way,” Ren says, although he’s not quite sure how he knows this. He can feel something, someone, reaching out to him with their mind, although he’s not quite sure who. It felt familiar and yet it didn’t feel like your energy, which he had again grown so accustomed to over the past few weeks.  Regardless, he doesn’t argue with it as he lets his feet simply take him where they need to go.

               “The hangar’s down this way,” Phasma says quickly, but Ren simply shakes his head as he turns and starts to head down an alternate corridor.

               “They’re close,” Ren says quickly. “They’re close, they’re right here.”

               “Ren, we don’t _have time_ ,” Phasma says firmly, her words partially distorted as she snaps through her chrome helmet.

               “Make time,” Ren snaps angrily as he turns on his heel to face her. “You will _make_ time or I will personally see to it that absolutely _none_ of us will get out of this hangar alive.” He’s seething now, teeth gritted, shoulders heaving, and Phasma backs down almost immediately. He may not have had his lightsaber with him, but he still had the Force, and she knew how deadly that could be.

               She turns back to her troops, focusing on the two in the back of the line. “Aid reinforcements trying to breach the command center,” she notes, and while they scurry off, she turns back to Ren. “Lead the way.”

               It’s no more than two hundred feet to your door, and he quickly holds up his hand, undoing the lock with the Force. As Phasma turns to say something to the troops outside, he quickly slips into the apartment, taking a moment to survey the surroundings. It looked so normal, with a small table and a few couches, and while it still looked to be better than the meager furnishings you had had on your academia, you still deserved better than to be tucked away on some military installation for the rest of your life.

               Phasma enters in from behind him quietly, and he quickly heads to the first door he sees, which was slightly ajar. He pushed the door open slightly to see Ani lying in his bed, eyes closed, snoring gently as the blankets rose and fell with every gentle breath. His heart froze in his chest for a moment as he realized this was the first time that he had ever seen his son asleep since he was just a baby, and for a moment it was as if all time seemed to stop. It wasn’t until Phasma gave him a hard shove on the shoulder that Ren quickly entered the room, brushing his son’s hair back out of his face as he slept.

               “Hm?” Ani murmurs groggily as he stretches out, slowly blinking himself awake. His eyes look around the moment before they settle on his father’s face, showing absolutely no hint of surprise. “Is it time?”

               “It’s time,” Ren confirms as he nods his head forward.

               “We’re bringing mom, right?” Ani asks anxiously, the fear palpable in his voice. “I know she’s with Poe but she still loves you, and-”

               “She knows, she’s coming,” Ren says quickly as she nods his head forward, trying to ignore the sound of Phasma loudly clearing her throat behind him.

               “Who’s that?” Ani asks immediately, eyes wide with fear now as he scampers back into his headboard.

               “She’s-”

               “There’s no need to be afraid,” Phasma says quickly before she removes her helmet, smiling gently down at the boy. “I’m a friend of your father’s. I’ve come to help bring you to your new home.”

               Ani stares at her for a moment before he turns back to his father and lowers his voice. “She’s pretty,” he whispers, and Ren can barely keep himself from rolling his eyes as Phasma chuckles good-naturedly.

               “The boy’s polite,” she notes. “Are you sure he’s your son, Ren?”

               He could feel the anger rising within him, but quickly stuffed it down and away, saving it for when they would actually need it to escape from this base once and for all. “I’m going to put you to sleep,” he says as he looks down at Ani. “It might be a little hard sneaking off base. Some people don’t want us to leave, some people don’t want us to be a family again, and they’re going to try to stop us. Your mother and I will make sure that we escape safely, but Phasma is going to carry you so that you don’t have to worry, okay?”

               “But I want to help,” Ani starts to argue. “I want to-”

               “Ren,” Phasma warns quickly, her eyes flashing in the dim light, and Ani immediately shuts his mouth.

               “Your mother cares about you,” Ren says quickly. “As do I, but she’s not going to be able to fight her hardest if she’s worried about protecting you, right?”

               “Okay,” Ani says as he dips his head forward, and Ren doesn’t wait a second longer.

               “Okay,” he echoes as he quickly puts his fingertips against Ani’s temple, and Ani’s eyelids flicker almost immediately before he drops down and to the side. “Take him,” he says quickly as he gets to his feet. “I’m going to get her.”

               “Are you sure she’s going to come?” Phasma asks, her tone mocking as she slips her helmet back over her head. “Isn’t she with _Poe_ now?”

               Ren can barely even bring himself to answer, murmuring some sort of reply low in his throat as he heads back out into the living room. No sooner does he remerge than you slam open the door, and Ren’s feet stop dead in his tracks in the center of your living room. “What are you doing here?” you ask quietly, keeping your voice in a whisper for Ani’s sake as you step your feet back in a fighting stance. He can see while you’re holding your lightsaber in one hand, you had his in the other, and he was relieved to see that his mother hadn’t confiscated it. He had no idea where he would get the kyber crystals to go about making another one, and that one had become such a part of him he didn’t know what he would do without it.

               Suddenly Phasma reemerges from the other room, blaster in one hand and Ani thrown over one shoulder. “Put him down,” you snarl, igniting both lightsabers as you brandish them out in front of you. You sound on the verge of tears, and Ren quickly holds out his hand in a placating gesture.

               “Come with us,” Ren says quickly, but you simply slash towards him, and he withdraws his hand. He knew he didn’t have time to convince you, but he didn’t want to fight you or risk hurting you, either. “We don’t have time for this. We need to go.”

               “Then put my son down and leave,” you snap. “Escape if you must. We’re staying here.”

               No, that wasn’t possible. Ani was already ready to go, and he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to keep Ani by his side without you there with him. “I’m not leaving without you,” he says firmly as he holds out his hand, and despite your firm grip, the hilt of the lightsaber eventually flies back into his palm, where he grabs it with both hands, charging it with his familiar energy. He summons the blade and strikes towards you without even meaning to hit you, just trying to show you that he was serious about taking you by force if he had to. Even still, you bring your lightsaber up to meet his and the blades crack against each other.

               “Come with me,” he says quickly as he extinguishes his blade. “I can give you everything you want.”

               “I already have that right here,” you snap as you lash out at him with your own lightsaber, lunging towards him as you direct your strike towards his head. He summons his blade to block in just in time, blocking your strikes as they come, one after another, spinning around deftly and contorting his wrist backwards in order to protect himself against your dual blades.

               “We don’t have time for this,” Phasma warns. “We need to go.”

               She fires a shot from her blaster, and while Ren considered telling her to stand down, it was clear that you weren’t going down without a fight. You were charged, and you were ready, but Phasma was right when she said that he didn’t have time for this. He wanted to escape this base, and the last thing he needed was to be cornered because you had stalled for time and succeeded. While Phasma’s continues her fire, Ren keeps up his attacks, forcing you to dodge and strike as hard as you could to keep up your defense from both sides. It was clearly taking a toll on you, and a blaster bolt suddenly hits you in the side as you go down. He quickly withdraws his blade just in time to keep from burning you as he hears Phasma cocking the trigger for another shot.

               “Don’t,” he warns as he bends down beside you. _Don’t fight it._ He quickly presses his fingertips against your temple, channeling all the Force he could muster. He can feel you trying to fight it, trying to fight him, but it’s as if a part of you truly doesn’t want to fight against this as you slowly slip down to the floor completely, your eyelids sliding closed.

               “Ren, we don’t have time,” Phasma urges, and Ren quickly pulls his hand away as he reattaches his lightsaber to his belt, making sure to secure yours as well. He quickly picks you up and throws you over his shoulder, making sure to keep one of his hands free should he need to use it to defend himself. He had gotten what he had come for, and he doesn’t wait for Phasma to remind him a fifth time as he quickly heads out the door, heading towards the hangar. Phasma is right on his heels, and as they pass an adjoining corridor, he can feel you start to stir.

               “Poe-” you murmur weakly, and Ren frowns as he picks up his pace. He can hear the pilot yell in the distance, and he can’t help but smirk wickedly as he heard Phasma firing a few bolts in his direction. He can feel you trying to push against him, but he only holds onto you tighter as he enters the hangar. He hadn’t seen it properly when he had first arrived, but it was much smaller than he had expected, and he could see how Phasma had such an easy time breaking into their base.

               “Get him inside,” he orders immediately as Phasma walks up the boarding ramp to a nearby ship. He knew that Phasma probably had some plan, some diversionary tactic, as to make sure that they weren’t followed, but right now the Resistance’s defenses seemed much weaker than he had originally anticipated. Their aerial squadrons may have been able to best them in combat, but it seemed, so far as her actual base was concerned, that they were quite weak.

               “Don’t move.” He senses the presence from behind him, and he stops halfway up the boarding ramp but doesn’t immediately turn around. His son was already on board the ship, and there wasn’t a chance that the pilot alone could stop him. It was a suicide mission, and on some level, he suspected that the pilot knew that.

               “Well, pilot,” Ren says evenly, a triumphant smirk pulling at the edges of his lips. “I believe this is where you meet your end.”

               “No,” you gasp desperately, starting to come around to yourself as you kick against his chest.

               “You can kill me,” the pilot responds confidently. “But there will be more of us coming soon, and you can bet that the Resistance has more experienced pilots than you could manage.”

               “I suppose you do,” Ren admits. “Of course, if you shoot us down, you risk killing her and her child in an attempt to get to me.”

               “Let him go,” you plead, still struggling against his grip. “Please, if you just let him go, I’ll go with you, willingly.” He turns slightly to assess the situation, to see the ring of Storm Troopers standing around the pilot with their blasters raised, just waiting for him to give the order.

               “Sir, we need to go now.” Two more Storm Troopers emerge into the hangar, and he can hear the sound of blaster fire erupt from somewhere down the end of the long hallway.

               “No-” His attention is suddenly called back to the situation at hand as he sees Poe’s blaster go flying out of his grip, scattering across the floor, and it doesn’t take him more than a second to realize that you were the one who had done it. He had been prepared to stop the blaster bolt in midair and force it back in his direction, but it seemed that you had actually tried to protect him before the pilot could even fire a shot.

               He spins around with his arm outstretched, and the pilot’s head snaps back as he slumps down to the floor. He can feel you struggle in earnest now, kicking and fighting with all that you had left, and he quickly wraps his arms tighter around you to hold you in place. “Leave him.” He slowly turns back around to board the ship. “Let’s go.”  

               He didn’t have a doubt in his mind that Phasma was already going to be impatient with him for taking so long. It would have been so much easier for him to simply kill the pilot and let him fall where he had stood, but he knew that that was one thing that you would never forgive him for, and he knew he couldn’t try to convince you to start a new life with him if you had just witnessed him murder your former lover in cold blood, if that was what you even considered him.

               As the boarding ramp closes up behind him, he quickly lowers you into a seat next to his son. You’re still weak, and as you stir groggily, he reaches up to place a quick kiss on your lips before he buckles you in. “You saved me,” he says as the corner of his lips quirk upwards into a smile. “You stopped him from pulling the trigger.”

               “I saved him,” you murmur weakly. It seems as though you’re about to say more, but he stands up quickly as blaster bolts fire against the side of the ship.

               “Sir, I need you up front,” Phasma calls, and Ren quickly shakes his head to regain his focus. He might have you and his son right where he wanted you and the pilot incapacitated, but they hadn’t escaped from this hangar yet.

               “I love you,” he says quickly as he bends down to plant a kiss on your forehead. “I remember what you said, what you felt. You wanted to be a family with Ani and I more than anything, and I’m going to give you everything you’ve ever wanted.”

               You don’t say anything more, and he quickly turns to head into the cockpit, sitting down in the co-pilot’s chair. Phasma wasn’t as good of a pilot as he was, but then again, no one in the galaxy was as good of a pilot as he was. “Are you sure you can get us out of here?” Ren asks anxiously as the sound of more blaster bolts striking against the hull permeated through the sound of the engines firing up.

               To her credit, Phasma just lets out a snort of good humor. “Not to worry, I’ve had a great deal of practice during the time that you were _incarcerated_.” It’s a low blow, but he decides to ignore it as he hesitantly turns back to get a glimpse at you. It looked like you had drifted off into a sound sleep, your son’s head resting against your shoulder and your head resting on top of his. Back on the _Resolute_ , he couldn’t have pictured such a scene if he had tried, but he hoped he wouldn’t have to ever again.

               No, now he wanted to spend the rest of his days to devoted to earning your forgiveness and training his son. Neither would be easy ventures, of that he was sure. He knew that you were unlikely to forgive him immediately, but he hoped that you would at least come around in time. He knew that you could be as stubborn as he was and while he had often considered resolute defiance as one of your strengths, now it seemed to serve only to frustrate him.

               Still, he wasn’t all that concerned. At least a part of him was rational enough to understand why you didn’t trust him. He said he wanted to be a father to Ani, but you had never seen it. You had never seen who he was when he wasn’t focused on serving the Order, although there were very few people who still lived who could say the same. He had killed Ben Solo, shrugged off his skin and left that identity behind, but who was he now? Was he still Kylo Ren if he no longer served the order? Others regarded him as Ren, but the only other name he had ever been called by _anyone_ else was Kylo. You had no idea what it had meant and he didn’t see a point in explaining it at the time, but it had since grown on him, becoming like a nickname of sorts.

               So maybe he was no longer Ren, or maybe he was. Maybe Ren was the part of him that existed solely to serve the order, and Kylo was the part of him that existed solely to serve you and his son. It would certainly explain the confusion and the doubt that he had struggled to overcome over the past few years. Maybe he didn’t have to choose between one extreme and the other. Maybe he was truly two different people forced to share one body, and he had to try to find some way to live with that. The Force willing, he would be able to be more Kylo than Ren, because that was what you needed. That was what his son needed.

               But what did he, himself, need? He could no longer say for sure. He had since lost sight of who he was and now saw no further use in trying to understand his own raw, confusing emotions. No, instead he would follow in his path as he always did and let the Force guide him to where he needed to go. It had led him back to you, as he had hoped, and, Force willing, you would choose to stay with him and help him complete the family that he had never realized he wanted, that he needed. It would be harder to earn your trust again after all this time, but he was ready to give whatever he had to in order to make this work.

               As long as the bond existed, he still had a chance to make things right, and he wasn’t going to let you or your son down this time. Not again.

               Not _ever_ again.         

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends the chapter from Kylo's perspective. Obviously each character saw what happened play out a little differently, so we're going to switch to seeing the scene from another character's perspective next week before we jump into Glow. Hope you guys enjoy it!! Cheers!!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Candle in the Night  
> Perspective: Poe  
> Chapter: Post 38, after Ani and the Reader has been taken from the Resistance base  
> Characters: Poe Dameron, Jessika Pava, Snap Wexley, Leia Organa, Ladson

               “You know, you’re going to have to introduce us to your girlfriend eventually.”

               Poe was sitting inside Snap’s living room with his boots propped up on the low coffee table that lay before him, drink in hand, as he looked across to where Jess was sitting with Snap beside her. He gnawed on his lower lip for a moment, shifting the weight of the glass into his other hand before he took a tentative sip with his eyebrows raised, taking his time before he answered her.

               In truth, he didn’t know why he was stalling. In fact, it was almost by sure happenstance that they hadn’t already met you, simply a case of always being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of introducing you, far from it, but it always seemed as though there was something going on. When you had just been friends it had hardly seemed necessary. He knew how you could be around strangers, if he was any indication, and though he had hid it well, he had sported a bruise and a weak spot in his shoulder from where you had jabbed him with your staff on your first meeting, not to mention a nasty bump upside the head from where you had first struck him. You had immediately befriended Rey, he realized, because she was a kindred spirit due to the Force, but he was a bit nervous about introducing you to the other members of the Black Squadron. Although he knew you hid it well, you were shy by default, and he didn’t want them to get the wrong impression.

               And then you had been enlisted to capture Kylo Ren and bring him back to the Resistance base, and everything had happened so quickly after that, that not only did he never get a chance to introduce you, but it hardly seemed appropriate when everyone on the base knew exactly what you were going there to do. He had been surprised when more than one person asked him if _he_ was all right, especially since he, Commander Dameron, was never anything _but_ all right. You had a mission that was vital to the Resistance, vital to ending the war and the threat of the First Order once and for all, and his feelings weren’t the least bit hurt by sending you back to your old paramour, even knowing what that would entail. Fortunately, no one outside of Black Squadron and a few select individuals actually knew about your relationship, and while that could have been a blessing, Poe was still forced to deal with the inevitable prospect of people listening to rumors about you, saying that you were secretly a spy for Kylo Ren and that you _wanted_ to go back. He had assumed there was at least some truth to that, considering how jumpy you had become around him, but he didn’t blame you for being conflicted. You had a son with him and had spent years of your life waiting around for him to come back. The truth was that he didn’t know what had transpired between you and Ren on the Starkiller Base, not really, and while Rey had filled him in on some of the unsavory details that she had plucked from your mind, he couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty knowing that there was information that he had access to that you hadn’t directly told him, information you may not have wanted him to know, but he had asked, and Rey had told him, and that had been that.

               “Earth to Poe,” Snap says as he waves a hand across the coffee table, and Poe smiles good naturedly as he lowers his glass.

               “Eventually,” he echoes with a shrug of his shoulders. “Whenever she wants to, I guess.”

               “Great,” Jess replies as she scoots back on the couch, pulling her legs underneath her as she leans into the armrest. “We can make it a whole big thing. We can get everyone from Black Squadron and-” Poe silences her with a look, and she tilts her head to one side. “What?”

               “Maybe not _too_ big a thing,” Poe says, albeit a bit stiffly, and they both look at him curiously. “Well, I don’t know, I don’t want to overwhelm her or anything.”

               Jess just lets out a small laugh. “Girl can’t be that shy,” she tells him. “Remember, we saw her in that fight during that show for the Republic. The girl’s definitely got…” She lets her voice trail off as a blush rises to her cheeks, and Poe and Snap look at her curiously. “…something. You know. Whatever.”

               “That she does,” Poe agrees, bobbing his head forward in a serious of small nods.

               “Is this because of Ren?” Snap asks, and Poe’s eyes immediately dart to him, although he tries to soften his gaze as he looks down before looking back up at him. “Oh, looks like I touched a nerve.”

               “You didn’t,” Poe tries to reassure him, but he feels as though he is failing miserably. “I just don’t feel comfortable with him on base, that’s all. Especially unguarded.”

               “I was wondering about that,” Snap says. “Why aren’t there any guards by him? You think the General, more than anyone, would know exactly what he’s capable of. What if he was able to break out?”

               “Nah,” Poe says with a shrug of his shoulders. “Luke installed some sort of Force lock on the door, so only a handful of people can get in and out. I’m pretty sure the General is the only one who’s actually been in there lately.”

               “And your girlfriend,” Jessika pipes up, and Poe adjusts himself so that he can get a better look at her. “I saw her tonight, headed down to his cell.”

               “You saw her?” Poe asks in surprise, and Jess continues.

               “Yeah, I mean, everyone knows who she is but she doesn’t really know who any of us are. I just saw her headed down to that part of the base, but I mean, I can’t think of any other reason she’d have to go down there except to see him. I was thinking about saying something to her, but she had that look on her face, and I didn’t want to get in her way, especially if that’s where she was really headed.”

               “That look?” Poe asks, raising one eyebrow, and Jess nods her head.

               “You know, the look,” she says, wrinkling up her nose as she purses her lips shut. “That, _I know where I need to go so everyone better get the fuck out of my way_ look.”

               “Ah,” Poe says with a small laugh, and he nods his head in understanding. “Yeah, she can be a bit, uh, scary, sometimes.”

               “Scary?” Snap echoes, and Poe quickly shakes his head.

               “Intense,” he says, in an attempt to correct himself. “I mean, she’s been through a lot, but I guess everything that she’s been through has given her a sense of, uh, clarity, if that makes any sense. She knows exactly what she wants and she doesn’t let anyone stand in her way until she gets it.”

               “And yet she’s too shy to meet us?” Jess asks with a small laugh, and Poe shoots a good-natured smile in her direction.

               “She’ll want to make a good first impression,” Poe explains as he lets one hand drift absent-mindedly into the space between them. “I’m sure she knows the things people have been saying about her and Ren. None of its true, but it doesn’t exactly make things any easier.”

               “But I mean, isn’t it true?” Snap asks, and Poe shoots a look in his direction. “No, I mean, they’re not still together now, but-”

               “I don’t care what she did up there,” Poe says pointedly. “She had a mission and she did what she had to do to see it through.”

               “Right,” Jess says, and Poe gives her a quick smile of appreciation, which she happily returns. “So why was she going to see him tonight?”

               “I don’t know,” Poe says as he takes another sip of his drink. “Maybe something about Ani? I’m not sure.”

               “Ani,” Snap says as he nods his head forward a few times. “Yeah, I’ve met the kid. Cute little thing, although it’s hard to believe that he’s really the child of Kylo Ren.”

               “Right?” Jess adds as she turns from Poe to Snap and then back to Poe again. “I think everyone on base has met Ani, he’s just so cute.”

               “That he is,” Poe agrees with a firm nod. “He can be a little hard to handle sometimes, has a bit of a temper, but I guess that’s true of all kids at his age.” Snap and Jess exchange a look, and Poe rolls his eyes. “He hasn’t seen his father in years, not since he was a baby. They didn’t meet each other until about a week ago, and I was there, Ani high-tailed it out of that meeting pretty fast. He’s not anything like Ren, she’s going to make sure of that.”

               “So does that mean you’re kind of going to be like, his father now?” Snap asks in a hushed tone, and Poe just casually takes another sip of his drink. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I just. Wow.”

               “I mean, it’s complicated,” Poe says quickly, despite the fact that it’s really not. “I mean, they don’t really need me, you know? She’s been doing a great job raising him on her own, and he’s always got Ladson there looking after him.”

               “Great guy,” Snap says as he visibly relaxes somewhat, leaning back a little ways into the couch. “The guy really knows his way around a blaster, and I’ve seen him more than once messing around with the droids in maintenance bay, working on anything he can get his hands on.”

               “Well you know who else likes to hang out in the maintenance bay,” Poe says with a roll of his eyes, and Jess lets out a giggle.

               “The heart throb of the Red Squadron, the Resistance’s very own, _Asher_ ,” Jess teases. “Seriously, though, they are so perfect for each other it’s not even funny.”

               “Yeah, well, she doesn’t know about it yet,” Poe sighs, and Jess looks at him with confusion.

               “Your girlfriend?”

               “Yeah.”

               “Why not?” Jess tilts her head to the side as though she legitimately doesn’t understand, and Poe just shrugs.

               “I don’t know, Ladson doesn’t want to say,” Poe shrugs. “I think he’s worried about what she’ll say if she finds out that he’s also dating a pilot, maybe he thinks she’ll give him a hard time about it, I don’t know.”

               “Well didn’t Asher also used to be a TIE pilot on the Starkiller Base before we blew it up?” Snap asks, even though they all knew the answer to that question. “Maybe Asher knew her.” He and Jess turn to look at Poe, who just shrugs.

               “I mean, it’s possible,” he relents. “I know she used to interpret for the Storm Troopers on their base. It’s possible that she might recognize him, but I doubt it.”

               “No, maybe he recognizes her,” Snap continues. “I mean, I’m sure there were a lot of Storm Troopers on base, but only one of her, especially considering her circumstances.”

               “Possible,” Poe says with a shrug, but to be honest, he doesn’t really want to think much more about it as he downs his drink. “Anyway, I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow, to see if she wants to have a little get together or something, I mean. See how she feels about it.”

               “Well, if she doesn’t, we can always just come surprise her at her place,” Jess says with a laugh, and Poe gives her another pointed look as he stands up.

               “You’ve seen what she can do with that lightsaber,” he reminds her. “And you both already know that I’ve been on the receiving end of that staff. I don’t think hiding in the dark and jumping out and yelling surprise when she walks in is going to result in a good day for anyone.”

               “Whatever,” Jess says with a roll of her eyes. “She has nothing to worry about. You love her, so we’ll love her. Right?” She elbows Snap in the side for effect, and he just lets out a gruff sigh.

               “Obviously,” he replies sarcastically, and Poe shoots them a grin as he heads to the door.

               “Well, I appreciate it,” he says on his way out. “I’m going to check in with the General before I turn in. You both have a good night.” They both echoes their sentiments as he closes the door behind him, but he stands in the closed doorway for the briefest of moments, just thinking things over. He knew you had told him that you weren’t seeing Kylo Ren anymore, that you hadn’t ever since you told him that you were breaking things off, and he had believed you.

But were you sneaking off to see him in secret?

               He pushed the notion out of his mind. Nah, he hadn’t seen you all day, and for all he knew, you were going off to pick up Ani from seeing him or something. A part of him doubted it, doubted you would ever leave Ani alone with him, but another part of him wasn’t all that concerned about it anyway. He had seen you lose control firsthand when you had returned to the Resistance base, seen firsthand the power that the Force bond had over you, and he assumed it took everything in your power to be able to control it. In truth, it didn’t really matter to him all that much in either case. Kylo Ren was heading off to the New Republic, sooner rather than later, and then neither he nor you would ever see him ever again. It didn’t matter to him so much if you did anything with him so much as it concerned him if you were lying about it. He had thought he had made it pretty clear that you could talk to him and be open with him about anything and everything, and while he could understand your reticence, he didn’t know how he would take it if you had been directly lying to his face this whole time, especially when you had seemed so sincere when you were expressing your concerns with him before.

               But Poe was never the one to assume the worst in people and so he chalked the whole thing up to a big misunderstanding as he decided not to visit you that night. He hadn’t planned on it, anyway, hadn’t told you he planned on stopping by, and if he had it may only cause you to be suspicious, especially if today really was the first time that you had seen Ren in quite a while. Therefore, showing up unannounced may only make you think that he was having someone trail you, or watching your movements through the base in some way, and the last thing he wanted to do was cause you any sort of alarm. At times, you could be suspicious to the point that it bordered on paranoia, but he didn’t hold that against you either. As much as you downplayed what had really happened on the Starkiller Base, he had pieced together the details from what you and Rey and Ladson had told him, combined with details about what life was like on the Starkiller Base from Finn. You may not have _died_ , but there were plenty of times you had come damn close to it, and, from his perspective, there were plenty of times that Ren had either terrorized you into submitting or played some elaborate mind game in order to trick you into thinking he was one of the good guys. Not that he could really blame you for it. You shouldn’t have even been on that base in the first place; you had no idea of Kylo Ren’s history or what he was capable of. Poe couldn’t really complain about the way things had turned out, but he still felt sorry that you had been forced into that position to begin with.

               As he walked into the command center, he was greeted by the General and a few other people roaming around. He wasn’t sure of the exact time, he knew it was sometime in the early morning hours, and the General seemed surprised to see him there. “Poe, what are you doing here?” she asks as she walks away from the console she was reviewing to approach him. “You should be asleep.”

               “I was just about to turn in for the night,” Poe tells her with one of his signature smiles. “Just wanted to see if there was anything you needed help with.”

               Leia gives him a shy smile as she shakes her head from side to side. “No, you should get some rest. I heard you’re going to take my grandson flying again soon. He’s quite excited for that.”

               “Oh he is,” Poe replies. “Kid’s a natural.” He feels like he wants to say more, something about how it must run in the family, but he doesn’t. Between what had happened to Han and the circumstances surrounding the situation with her own son, he didn’t really feel as though it was appropriate to say anything. Even still, Leia nods her head quick in understanding.

               “Yes, well,” Leia says with a lazy shrug of her shoulders. “I’m just hoping we can put all this behind us soon. As you know, I want Ani to be safe, more than anything.” Poe’s about to say something to reassure her when he notices a gleam in her eye and gnaws on his lower lip as he waits for her to continue. “Snoke is weak,” she tells him. “I can feel it through the Force. Once he’s gone, we have nothing to fear of Ani being seduced by the dark side.”

               Poe’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “You can feel that?” he asks, and Leia nods her head in the affirmative. Suddenly, everything clicks into place. “Jess saw her going down to Ren’s cell,” he offers, neglecting to say who exactly, but Leia seems to understand regardless. “Do you think she can feel it too?”

               “She can,” Leia replies as she dips her head forward in a terse nod. “I have no doubt that her senses are probably stronger than mine, most likely due to her link with him. If he feels Snoke weakening, he must be calling out to her.” Poe can’t help but avert his eyes for a moment, but she puts a hand on his arm. “You should go to her,” Leia encourages. “If Snoke is defeated, then it means that Luke is returning home, and she’ll need you now, more than ever.”

               Poe just nods awkwardly, unsure of what to really say to that. It wasn’t lost on him how awkward the whole thing was. He was dating you, who had been previously involved with her son, and while a part of him felt that she was probably grateful that he could provide some stability in Ani’s life, he felt that another part of her probably wished that her son hadn’t gone down this road, that she would get to watch him care for a family of his own. Poe wasn’t the jealous type, never had been, but he’d be lying if he said the thought didn’t upset him just a little bit.

               Leia can see the wheels churning, and she offers him a reassuring smile. “Get some sleep,” she tells him, and Poe murmurs a quick reply of thanks before he walks out into the hallway. The base is deserted, and while a part of him wants to go to you, another part of him also knows that you liked your space, needed your space, and he didn’t want to encroach on that, especially if you were worried about Ren and Snoke. Heck, if Snoke was defeated, it meant that Finn and Rey and Luke would be coming home, and while he was excited at the prospect of seeing them again, he was also worried about what that meant for you. Your relationship with him had seemed like a dramatic rollercoaster, and while he wanted to support you, another part of him knew that this was something that you really needed to work out with Ren. You would only have a limited amount of time to see him as it was, and he didn’t want to interfere with that.

               And so he headed back to his room, to his own bed, and rolled over onto his back, not even bothering to take off his boots as he let out a quick sigh, realizing that he had forgotten to turn off the lights. He raised his hand to the light switch to turn it off as he had seen you do with the Force on numerous occasions, but it didn’t budge. “Well, worth a shot,” Poe says with good humor as he gets off to turn off the lights himself. To be honest, he kind of missed the sensation of you sleeping beside him. He’d had this small room for himself ever since he had come to D’Qar, and while Leia had frequently offered him better accommodations, he had always turned them down. Now, however, he was starting to reconsider. After the Force bond was siphoned away by Luke and Ren was brought to the New Republic, you would probably be dealing with that loss for a while, and asking you to move in with him might be the perfect way to help you get your mind off things. He could only imagine how you would feel, especially considering you had felt that connection to him for years. He wasn’t quite sure if this was something you would want him to be there for, or if you wanted to face it yourself, but either way, he wanted to be ready to support you in any way that you wanted.

               Poe had only gotten an hour of sleep, two at the very most, before his eyes jerked open. He had thought he had heard something, and he sat there for a moment, listening to the still beat of the silence in his eardrums as he waited, trying to clear the grogginess from his sleep-deprived brain. Suddenly, he heard it again, the sound of heavy footfalls running through the hall, and he immediately got to his feet as he heard the unmistakable sound of blaster fire. Suddenly wide awake, he immediately darted out of bed and dropped down to his knees to get into the bottom drawer of his dresser, where he had kept a spare blaster rifle hidden for just such an occasion.

               Quickly making sure it was ready to go, he was silently thankful that he had stayed fully dressed as he stepped outside. There was no sign of anyone, and he suddenly realized that he had no idea which way they had went, but if the First Order truly had infiltrated the base, they were probably trying to go somewhere where they knew that they could do the most damage, and he immediately rushed towards the command center, knowing that Leia was probably still inside. He shot down three soldiers on the way there, taking corners slowly, encountering a few Resistance fighters here and there who had been awoken by the blaster fire. He had no idea how the First Order had managed to storm the base, but the _how_ wasn’t so much a concern at the moment as was the _why._ Still, all his thoughts were on protecting Leia in the command center as he headed there as fast as his feet would take him.

               There were two Storm Troopers outside the command center, trying desperately to get in, but he was thankful that it looked like Leia had secured the blast doors. They didn’t see him approach, and Poe was able to take them down with ease, making quick work of the first one while he was distracted, and then quickly dispatching the second before he had time to fire back. He quickly rushed forward to open the doors, entering the correct code in the keypad next to the doors. A sudden bolt whizzed past his ear as he was entering the code, and he quickly ducked and fired back, hitting another Trooper in the side before he disappeared back behind the corner. The doors in front of him mercifully opened as that Trooper’s partner fired a quick series of bolts from around the bend, and Poe quickly dodged them as he entered the command center, sealing the door tightly behind him.

               “Poe,” Leia exclaims when she sees him, immediately rushing over to him. “What’s going on out there?”

               “The First Order has infiltrated the base,” Poe says quickly, looking her over. “Are you okay?”

               “I’m fine,” Leia says quickly, as if that was the very last question she wanted to answer. “But you need to listen to me. They-” There’s a sudden blast of fire from out in the corridor, along with the cry of someone getting hit, and Poe quickly rushed back towards the doors.

               “I’ll keep them busy out there, you stay safe in here, seal the doors and keep them shut.”

               Poe quickly hits the button to open the doors, and even though Leia yells at him desperately to wait, Poe is already outside, making sure the doors sealed shut behind him as he fires along both ends of the corridor. Fortunately, it looked like the troopers on his right were distracted by fire coming from further down the hall, which meant he had to worry more about the troopers coming from the left of the hall that eventually led out towards the hangar. He had no way of knowing how many troopers there were, but he silently hoped that people would be able to hear the commotion in the hall and come to help out before the Storm Troopers got to them first. They may have been terrible shots ordinarily, but he had no idea if their aim was any better trying to hit a stationary target while it was sleeping.

               A blaster bolt whizzed past him from the right, and he quickly turned back in that direction to fire a quick series of shots at the three approaching Troopers. Over the blast of the bolts firing, he thought he was able to hear something, someone calling his name, and at first he thought it was Leia from back inside the command center before he turned to see you, slung over Ren’s shoulder, eyes barely open as if you were struggling to barely retain consciousness.

               “No-” Poe yells, and he makes a move to run after you before he sees Captain Phasma in her familiar chrome armor. He immediately recognizes the staff over her shoulder, and vaguely in the back of his mind, recalls that either you or Rey or maybe even Ladson had told him that she had been the one to give you that staff. She turns to fire a series of bolts in his direction, and that’s when he sees Ani thrown over one shoulder, letting his mind slip into a state of pure panic.

               Here he was, thinking that it was Leia and the command center that the Storm Troopers would be trying to get into, but no, that was only what they would have wanted him to think. Instead, this had been a rescue mission to free Kylo Ren, and beyond that, it was obvious that Ren wasn’t going to leave without you and his child. If Snoke wasn’t defeated, then perhaps you and Ani were in even more unfathomable danger than he could have thought possible. No, this was a bad situation getting worse by the second and as it was, they already had a head start on him. Quickly, Poe dodges the bolts fired in his direction as he rushes down the hall as fast as he can, taking down two more Storm Troopers on his way to the hangar.  

               He enters the hangar just in time to see Phasma’s argent boots disappear up the boarding ramp of a shuttle, and he knows that Ani must already be on board. Even still, Kylo Ren isn’t, not yet, and as he heads up the boarding ramp with his back to him, it gives Poe time to aim his blaster, training it on the back of Ren’s head. If Ren’s armor was strong enough to withstand a direct hit in the side from Chewie’s bowcaster, then it probably wouldn’t be affected much by a blaster, and he needed to make this a clean shot. Even still, years ago, back on Jakku, Poe couldn’t help but remember that Ren had been able to stop a blaster bolt in his hand and keep it hovering in midair throughout their entire conversation. He could only hope that this time he was distracted enough, or potentially even weak enough, not to do the same again now.

               “Don’t move,” Poe commands, trying to pull as much authority into his voice as he can muster. He can see you start to stir, start to kick against Ren’s chest, and as his eyes sweep over you, looking for any sign of bruise or injury, there’s a sudden commotion from the entrance to the hangar as a group of at least half a dozen Storm Troopers clamor in, blasters raised, surrounding him on all sides. Even still, Poe does not lower his weapon. He knows he has only one shot at this, and he intends to take it. Ani was the General’s grandson, and thus the priority. If he was able to take out Ren, then you would be strong enough to rescue Ani before the ship departed. He had the utmost confidence in you, as he always did.

               Ren, himself, seems almost amused as he turns his head to the side to regard the situation, and Poe can’t help but notice the triumphant smirk that’s playing on his lips. The cocky bastard probably thought that he had won, that he had gotten everything he wanted, but he was wrong. He was not going to leave with you or Ani, not today, not while Poe still had air in his lungs and the ability to fight.

               “Well, pilot, I believe this is where you meet your end.”

               “No,” you gasp desperately, and Poe’s eyes immediately sweep over to you as he felt a shudder run through his chest. Ren’s face seems to harden as he senses what Poe can only assume is your desire to help him, as the smirk drops from his face as his eyes grow cold. He can hear the exchange of more blaster fire from out in the corridor, but Poe doesn’t look towards it. He just keeps his eyes trained on you and Ren, waiting for the moment that Ren is completely distracted in order to make his move.

               “You can kill me,” Poe says as confidently as he can, in the hopes of lulling Ren into a false sense of security. “But there will be more of us coming soon, and you can bet that the Resistance has more experienced pilots than you can manage.”

               This isn’t a bluff, and Ren knows it, but he still looks unaffected by the threat all the same. “I suppose you do,” he admits. “Of course, if you shoot us down, you risk killing her and her child in an attempt to get to me.”

               Poe gnaws on his lower lip, trying to assess the situation, trying to figure a way out that involves the three of you getting out alive while still keeping Ren is custody, but at this point it doesn’t seem likely. “Let him go,” he hears you gasp as you struggle against Ren’s grip. “Please, if you just let him go, I’ll go with you, willingly.”

               Poe shakes his head slightly to the side, telling you _no_ , telling you that’s not what he wants, but as you look up to meet his eyes, Poe can feel a steady sense of resolve building in him. You were weak, and Ani was in trouble. He knew where he stood. Months ago, General Organa had given him a mission to find Ani, to find her grandson, and to bring him back to the Resistance base, preferably with his mother, no matter what the cost. He had pledged his life to the Resistance, and he would give it, if that was what it took to complete his mission and ensure that you and Ani could safely walk out of this situation.

               Suddenly two more Storm Troopers burst through the doors. “Sir, we need to go now,” one of them says, and before Ren can respond, Poe senses an opportunity. He locks eyes with you, quickly, expecting the quick jolt of a blaster from his left, maybe his right, as soon as he fired his own blaster towards Kylo Ren. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what emotions you might be able to pick up from him in his weakened state, but for once his own thoughts and witty humourisms that often came to him so naturally in these life or death situations was lost on him. Maybe that was a sign that he was truly at his end, and if it was, at least he could say that he had done as much for the Resistance as he had possibly could.

               Poe’s finger tightens on the trigger, and he can see your eyes go wide with fear. You know what’s coming as much as he does, and he’s only thankful that you seem to realize this, hoping that you can free yourself and rescue Ani in the ensuing commotion that will no doubt be caused if he manages to take out Kylo Ren once and for all.

               “No-” You hold up your hand, and Poe blinks in surprise as the blaster suddenly goes flying out of his hands, scattering uselessly along the floor. Ren himself spins around suddenly, one hand outstretched, and Poe’s head snaps back as he cries out, sinking onto his knees as he felt the nerves in his brain exploding like tiny kernels of dynamite, going off in a series of neat little rows from the right side of his brain to the left. Suddenly it feels like his whole brain had suddenly been drained, like a bag of fluid that had been slit open from the bottom, as he collapses face first, and he can just barely feel the side of his cheek hit flush against the cold, rough floor of the hangar.

               “Leave him. Let’s go.”

Poe can hear Ren’s cool, clipped tone as the Storm Troopers start to move out. He struggles to get up, but his head is swimming and he can’t think straight, can’t get his brain to work as he collapses back down onto the ground again. He hears the sound of footsteps all around him, can hear the exchange of fire in the distance, but as he hears the engines boot up and the telltale sounds of the ship starting to take off, he lets his eyes slip shut as a wave of failure washes over him.

               When she had first assigned him that mission, General Organa had told him to protect Ani at all costs, and he had intended do. He had stayed close, watching Ani, taking care of him, playing with him, reporting on his progress back to her to make sure the child was nothing like Ren, and he wasn’t. You had done a fantastic job raising him to be smart and kind to others, teaching him to thank people just for the sake of civility and politeness. He was surprised, honestly, to see it. You didn’t seem to really like people all that much, didn’t seem to care for them in the grand scheme of things, but yet you still seemed to be kind and compassionate on an individual level, which he still couldn’t wrap his head around. He had expected everything that you had gone through to make you cynical, and bitter, and yet you weren’t. You cared about others, and moreover, you cared about _him_ , and once he had realized that he couldn’t help but return it. Although, a part of him wondered if it was you who had really picked up on his subtle admirations of your character. It had been a mutual flirtation, he eventually decided, both of you seeing the best in each other regardless of your past experiences, and that was why he could feel a sick sense of nausea rise up in his chest as he lay there on the floor of the hangar, although he couldn’t be one hundred percent certain that it wasn’t from whatever Ren had done to him.

               Regardless, it didn’t escape his knowledge that Ren had escaped with both you and Ani on board. He had failed to protect Ani, and thus failed in his mission to General Organa. He had failed to protect you, he had failed you, and in so doing he had failed himself.

               _“Poe, Poe, are you all right?”_

Someone drops down to his side, and as he cracks his eyes open, he thinks it’s Jessika kneeling over him, although he can’t honestly be sure. His vision is doubling so he can see two of everything while the backdrop of the hangar sways back and forth, and for a moment he can’t honestly be sure if he’s seeing anyone at all. Even still, in his weakened state, he realizes that he may not be a total failure after all. It may not be too late. It hurt too much to sit up, but he still had something he could pass along. He still had information, and he, more than anyone, knew just how essential that could be.

               “Ren took them,” Poe breathes out. It feels his brain is exploding again just from speaking those simple words, but he knows he needs to get them out regardless. “He took them, her and Ani. You need to find them, you need to track their shuttle, it’s a Class-” But as he tries to think back to the type of shuttle they had escaped in, it suddenly becomes too much for his brain and he drops away, letting his cheek collapse back against the floor of the hangar.

               He would find you. He didn’t care what it took. The galaxy was a big place, but he would not fail his mission. Ani was counting on him. You were counting on him, and he couldn’t bring himself to disappoint you both, especially as the words Leia had said earlier that night floated into his mind.

               “ _You should go to her.”_

               But he hadn’t, and now he may not have the opportunity to ever, ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost feels funny that I'm releasing this so late, because I wrote this all the way back in April? March? This was originally intended to be the first segue into Glow, but then I was like, "Nah, these people want more of Kylo/Reader" so I just dropped it completely, although I referred to this and next week's chapter constantly when I was writing. Before we hop back into Kylo's perspective in Glow, next week's chapter will feature Ladson heading back to see Sadie and explaining what happened...although whether or not Sadie believes him, of course, is a whole different story. ;) Until then, cheers!!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PART II of last week's chapter

               “Black Leader, come in Black Leader.”

               _Silence._

“Black Leader, repeat, Black Leader, do you copy?”

               _Silence._

“Commander Dameron, are you there? Poe? _Poe?_ ”

It had been weeks since Ren had captured both you and Ani from the Resistance base, weeks that went by without a sighting or any sort of transmission. While he had been recovering, the Resistance had tracked their ship around the Inner Rim, heading into the Unknown Regions of the galaxy, where they quickly realized they were heading into a baited trap and had to turn back. Even still, Poe wasn’t completely convinced that you had been on that ship. It was quite a long journey, and while he suspected that Ren had probably stopped somewhere closer to lay low for a while before navigating back to the Unknown Regions, Poe himself had been out of it and not in any condition to fly over the first few days. Ren had done a number on his head, but as soon as he felt strong enough to stand without throwing up, he had hopped into _Black One_ with BB-8 at his side, sweeping the galaxy to try to find any trace of you and where you may have gone.

               He couldn’t find one, and truthfully, in the weeks that had followed, you could have been anywhere in the galaxy, although that didn’t mean he was going to stop looking. In fact, he went on for days just hopping from planet to planet, trying to find anyone who may have seen you or your child. He had seen you fly, hell, he had _taught_ you how to fly, and he knew that if you could get in a ship, then you could probably get yourself back to D’Qar, or at least to another planet where you could try to contact the Resistance and let them know where you were. You were strong, and you knew how to defend yourself, and he was confident that you were going to find your way back to him one way or another.

               Unless, of course, you had decided to stay with Ren, and as his heart drops, he realizes this is not something he wants to focus on as he decides to finally answer his comlink. “Black Leader here, what is it?”

               “Finally,” Snap breathes through the com. “No one’s seen you for days. We feared the worst.”

               “I’m still looking,” Poe responds simply, and there’s a prolonged period of silence before the comlink snaps to life again.

               “You need to head back to D’Qar,” Snap tells him, and Poe’s eyes quickly shoot down to his fuel tank. He had another two days left to keep looking, at the very least. “Luke, Rey and Finn are back, and the General needs to talk to you. She says it’s urgent.”

               “Urgent?” Poe echoes. “What is it? Have they found her?”

               “I’m told not to give you any specifics,” Snap replies, keeping his voice level. “I think she’s hoping that will give you some incentive to come back to base.” Poe sighs in agitation as he ignores the comlink momentarily, trying to figure out what to do.

               “What do you think, BB-8?” he calls back to him, and BB-8 lets out a series of whistles and beeps.

               _If the General says we must go back, then we must go back. They might know something._

“It’s possible,” Poe admits. “Do you think Rey has a way of tracking her through the Force? Or Luke?”

               _I don’t know any more about the Force than you do,_ is BB-8’s reply, and Poe lets out a snort as he picks up the comlink again.

               “Okay, we’re on our way back,” Poe tells him as he turns _Black One_ around and prepares the jump to hyperspace.

               _We’ll find her_ , BB-8 beeps reassuringly, and Poe just laughs as he flips a few switches on his console.

               “Oh?” Poe asks, raising his eyebrows in mock humor. “I thought you didn’t even like her all that much.”

               _You liked her,_ BB-8 responds. _And I liked her son. Ani. He was fun._

“Yeah, well, we’ll get them both back, you’ll see,” Poe tells him, although he wished he had more confidence in his words. He didn’t know what was waiting for him back on base, but at least he was smart enough not to expect that you had already escaped yourself and were there waiting for him, although he couldn’t deny that the thought had crossed his mind. No, instead as he landed in the hangar, he could see two other familiar figures waiting for him, and he let out a small sigh of relief to know that at least they had made it back safe and sound. As he hops out of his X-Wing, he shoots them a tight-lipped smile, but this time there are no hugs, no words, nothing to really be said.

               “I’m glad you’re back,” Poe manages, and Rey shoots him a tight-lipped smile of her own.

               “Any sign?” Finn asks, but Poe just bows his head as he shakes it from side to side.

               “Not yet,” he adds, trying to remain optimistic, at least for their sake. “But she’s strong. She’ll pull through. She’ll figure out some way to get back.”

               “Of course,” Rey tells him, but there’s a small nugget of doubt buried in her tone. It’s not much, but he can still hear it, and he quickly tries to push it away. They had already briefly discussed your _attraction_ to Ren through the Force after what had occurred on the _Resolute_ , but you hadn’t gone with him by choice, that much was clear. No, you had been taken, captured, and he was going to do everything in his power to free you.

               “The General wanted to see me,” he tells them, not sure if they had already been briefed. “Is this about Snoke? Is he-?”

               “Gone,” Rey confirms, an authentic smile floating to her lips. “At least we know, wherever they are, that Ani has nothing to fear from Snoke any longer. Neither of them do.”

               “That’s good to know,” Poe says, as if trying to confirm this to himself. “But yeah, that’s good. It means that when she gets back-” His expression drops as he looks between Finn and Rey, who are both shuffling uncomfortably. “What is it? What’s happened?”

               “You should probably talk to Leia,” Finn says in a serious, somber tone, the one he only used when something was seriously, seriously wrong. Poe picks up on it immediately and glances back and forth between them for a few more moments before he turns and rushes out of the hangar, heading towards the command center as quickly as he can. Rey and Finn follow behind him at a small distance, clearing trying to provide whatever small support they can offer. As he walks in, he immediately notices a holo playing on the round table in front of him. He looks at Leia questioningly, but she just turns her head away and averts her eyes as he turns his attention to the holo.

               It’s a holo of you and your fight with Rey, the one that the New Republic had recorded. Poe looks on in confusion as he watches the small holo version of you shoot out both droids, spinning your lightsaber in midair using the Force. It’s a quick play by play of the events of that duel, that ends abruptly as your lightsaber clashes against Rey’s, before you sweep her feet out from under her and knock her back, circling your other blade around to stop an inch from her throat as you plant a foot on her chest.

               “What is this?” Poe demands as he tears his eyes away from the holo. “Why are we watching this?”

               “It was sent to us by the Republic,” Leia says at length, and there’s a clear note of regret in her voice. “Do you happen to remember Captain Deso?”

               Poe can feel his heart drop into his stomach as his eyes go wide. “What has he done?”

               “The New Republic has officially listed her as an accomplice in Ren’s escape,” Leia explains. “They’re holding her accountable for treason and calling for her immediate capture. They are sending this holo throughout the galaxy and offering a large reward for her capture, dead or alive.”

               “No,” Poe says immediately, and Leia looks away again, as if she didn’t want to accept this either. “No, she wasn’t an _accomplice._ She was kidnapped, both her and Ani. I saw it. I was _there_.” He turns around to face Rey and Finn, but they just shuffle uncomfortably. They believed him, it was obvious from the look on their faces that they knew exactly what had happened, but unfortunately it wasn’t them he had to convince.

               “The Republic wants us to call off the search so their own team could look into it,” Leia starts to explain, but Poe quickly cut hers off.

“Bounty hunters?” Poe exclaims, spreading his hands at his sides. Surely Leia knew more than anyone just how much of a risk that was, given how many times bounty hunters had given her and Han trouble in the past. “But-”

“And I told them that I would comply,” Leia finishes, seemingly hardening her resolve. Poe opens his mouth to speak, but she holds up a hand to stop him. “Right now, the First Order is scattered and their principal fleets are in disarray. We need to strike them down and take them out now, before they have a chance to regroup.”

               “But what about her?” Poe asks. “And Ani? He’s your grandson, we can’t just stop looking for them.” He lowers his voice as Leia comes around to the other side of the table so that she’s standing directly in front of him.

               “I know this is going to be hard for you to hear,” Leia tells him, keeping her voice steady. “But you need to consider the possibility that she’s decided to stay with him, willingly.” She raises her eyebrows, as if she knows he’s considered this possibility to, but Poe just shakes his head.

               “No,” he insists. “No, she wouldn’t, she-“

               “She would,” Rey speaks up from behind him, and Poe whirls around to face her. “You saw the hold that he has over her. She would stay, if not for herself, then she would stay if he could convince her that she was doing right by Ani.” Rey gives him a defeated look, as if she doesn’t want to accept the truth any more than he does. “She would stay.”

               “Think of it this way,” Leia says quickly, pulling his attention back towards her. “Right now, they’re weak enough that I think we have a real shot of taking out the First Order entirely. If we do, we might be able to find them. General Hux has managed to escape, and where he is, Ren’s probably not far behind.”

               Poe nods his head, appreciating the logic behind her plan. “Okay, where do you want me to go first? What do you want me to do?”

               “Right now I want you to sit tight,” Leia tells him. “I’m going to work with the Republic to get the bounty removed, but Captain Deso has convinced the Senate that Ren has turned her against us, and as you saw from the holo, he makes a very convincing argument.”

               “Let me talk to him,” Poe offers, almost pleadingly. “He’s doing this to spite me, you have to be able to see that.”

               “I do,” Leia confirms. “But it’s gone past the Senate now. Whatever feud you had with him, it doesn’t matter now. What’s done is done, but trust me when I say I’ll do all I can for her.”

               “Thank you,” Poe says, and he quickly turns from the room before he can say any more. A part of him knew that Ren could probably convince you to stay, but another part of him was worried about the cost that would mean for you. You were strong physically, but it was obvious to everyone that you had a soft spot where Kylo Ren was concerned, and Poe knew that all too well.

               Before he has more time to think, however, one of the mechanics from the hangar approaches him just as soon as he steps foot outside the command center. “Sir,” he says, stopping in front of Poe as he offers a quick salute. “You’re needed in the hangar. Something’s happened.”

               Poe stares at him in confusion before he strides past the mechanic, shaking his head as Finn and Rey quickly hurry to keep pace with him. “What is it now?” Poe murmurs under his breath as he enters the hangar, only to see two men clashing against each other as they brawl. One of them clearly has the upper hand, and he immediately recognizes Asher as he gets thrown to the ground.

               “Hey, hey, hey, stand down!” Poe yells, jumping in to intervene, and only when the other man spins around away from Asher that Poe realizes who it is, not that he can say he’s really all that surprised. “Ladson, what are you doing?”

               “I’m going to find her,” Ladson says, his nostrils flaring as he takes deep puffs of air in and out of his chest. “Since _you_ seem to be completely incapable of that.”

               “Commander,” Asher breathes as he struggles to his feet. “I was in here working on the _Reconnaissance_ when he snuck on board and tried to take off.”  

               “For the fourth time, I was just going to borrow it,” Ladson snaps in his direction. “I was going to bring it back, you know that.”

               “For the fourth time, the engines are destabilized and the ship will explode as soon as it makes it out of the atmosphere,” Asher snaps back, and Poe quickly steps forward as it looks like they’re about to go to blows again.

               “I don’t care,” Ladson huffs before he turns back to Poe. “This is all your fault. You let him get away. You were right there, and you didn’t do anything to save her.”

               “Hey, hey,” Finn says, stepping up in front of Poe. “This isn’t his fault, okay? We all know what a scary dude Kylo Ren is. I heard what happened. Poe was completely surrounded before Ren knocked him out. He did what he could.”

               “If you had been there that night-” Ladson starts, but he immediately falters as Asher crosses his arms across his chest and glares. As much as he didn’t want to admit it to himself, Ladson hadn’t been there either. As much as he didn’t want to blame Poe for what had happened, he had to. The alternative was blaming himself, and he couldn’t, he just couldn’t. He had been protecting you and Ani for years, and he had gotten so close to succeeding, so close to thinking that Kylo Ren was no longer a threat that he had allowed himself to get complacent, and that’s when you and Ani had been whisked away, while he had been sound asleep in someone else’s bed.

               He didn’t know how long he could keep blaming Asher for that. He didn’t know how long Asher would keep accepting the blame for that, either, although at least Asher knew he hadn’t done anything really wrong as far as the situation went; heck, he had never even met you, and Ladson couldn’t help but feel guilty about that too, just one more thing to add to the list.

               “It’s not your fault,” Poe says quickly, reading the situation correctly. “If you had been there, you might not still be standing here right now.”

               “See?” Ladson demands glancing back towards Asher, as if Poe had just proved his point. “Both of you just need to just shut up and stop talking shit about things you know _nothing_ about. Because you don’t know anything, so stop pretending you do. Ren took her and Ani because he still wants her, it’s so fucking obvious and everyone knows it, that’s the _only_ reason he let himself get captured and brought here to begin with, so he could take her and his kid and get the hell out. It’s the only thing he cares about. You think he would have a _chance_ to redeem himself with her if he killed me? Or you, for that matter? Face it, the only reason that _you_ are still alive right now is because he’s smart enough to know that if he killed you, she’d already have found a way to escape and be back here already.”

               Poe purses his lips together and says nothing for a long moment. What he’s saying made sense, and in truth, Poe had considered it before, but for some reason he was having a problem picturing Ren caring about anyone enough to make those kinds of decisions. He seemed to be completely governed by impulse and anger, but even he had to admit that this had seemed far too calculated and deliberate. They had all taken Kylo Ren’s temper at face value and underestimated him, and now they were paying the price of that mistake.

               “Where were you going to go?” Poe asks quietly, and Asher lets out an exasperated huff as he shakes his head.

               “Back home,” Ladson tells him, his voice evening out as if he was glad someone was finally taking him seriously. “Back home, where Sadie still is.”

               Poe tilts his head to the side in confusion. “Why would Ren bring her there?”

               “It’s familiar,” Ladson tells him, talking more with his hands than his voice. “He’s going to want her to feel comfortable so he doesn’t scare her off, and she’ll feel like she has a home field advantage being back there, not to mention it’s the place where she waited so long for him to come back. It’s the place where she really wanted him to help her raise Ani, so that’s another reason, plus it’s the place where Ani was born. He’ll remember it, and if Ani wants to stay there, then she’s not going to go anywhere.”

               “I already told you, the Resistance has eyes set up around the school,” Asher reminds him. “If she came onto the planet, we would know about it.”

               “And there are other people there that are allies with the First Order,” Ladson retorts angrily. “If they want to slip in unnoticed, they could do it, easily, especially her.”

               Poe considers this for a moment. “And the planet’s big enough that she’d be able to hide away without being noticed?”

               “Most definitely,” Ladson replies, his eyes burning into Poe’s, urging him on. “She cares about you; I know she does. She’s better off with you than Ren, and I don’t want to even think about what he could be teaching Ani. Help me bring her home.”

               Poe gnaws on his lower lip as he studies him for a moment. “You’re not taking the _Reconnaissance,_ ” he tells him, and Ladson closes his eyes as he sighs. “We’ll take the _Isthmus_.”

               Ladson raises his eyebrow at the name, but simply bows his head in thanks as Poe turns back to Rey and Finn. “What do you say? You guys want to come with?”

               “You know I’m in,” Finn says as he punches his one closed fist into the open palm of his other hand.

               “Of course,” Rey says as she steps forward beside him. “Besides, you need me. If she’s there, I might be able to sense her.”

               “Good thinking,” Poe says as he turns back to Asher. “You want to come with?”

               Asher looks first to Poe, and then back to Ladson, who’s averting his gaze. “I don’t know, am I invited?”

               “If you want,” Ladson replies, but there’s an audible note of resignation in his tone.

               He shakes his head for a moment, as if he was deciding against his better judgement. “Someone has to get you there in one piece.” He claps Ladson on the back as he walks past him, and the group quickly piles into the small shuttle that was the _Isthmus_ , figuring they would attract a lot less attention that way. As Poe quickly climbs into the co-pilot’s chair, Asher hops on the commlink as he quickly explains to the Controller that he was simply doing a test run of the _Isthmus’_ enhanced hyperdrive motivator, with the promise to be back within the hour. Instantly, the Controller granted them clearance through Approach Bravo, and Asher couldn’t help but turn back to Poe.

               “If I knew that was all it would take to be able to sneak out of this base and have free reign of the skies, I would be out here a lot more often,” he notes, but Poe just shakes his head.

               “Don’t even think about it,” he replies firmly. “You-”

               “While my deception for this mission is appreciated and admissible under the circumstances, you need to warn me that if I do it again, I will face repercussions for my actions?” Asher asks as he raises one eyebrow, and Poe just shakes his head. “Like you will if the General finds out that I am navigating this shuttle under your instruction?”

               “Just don’t make a habit of it,” he decides at length, and Asher can’t help but grin as he steers the ship out of D’Qar’s atmosphere, heading towards your old academia.

               “What’s it like there?” Rey asks as soon as Poe makes the jump to hyperspace.

               “It’s not bad,” Ladson says with a small roll of his shoulders. “Small, quiet, boring, lots of green, though, You’d probably like it there.”

               “So what’s the plan?” Poe calls back to him. “You know the planet; I’m putting you in charge of this.”

               “Gee, thanks,” Ladson replies, although the sarcasm in his voice is palpable. The truth was, he had nothing against Poe, he really didn’t, but he couldn’t help but hold him at least partially responsible for what had happened. It was the Resistance’s fault that the First Order had even gotten into D’Qar’s atmosphere in the first place. Poe was the Commander, and although Ladson didn’t know exactly what that entailed, it was up to the General or the Commander to notice when there were foreign ships in their airspace. To put it simply, they hadn’t, and while playing the blame game would hardly help anyone now, he still couldn’t quite let it go.

               “So I’m thinking we should go see Sadie first,” Ladson offers. “If she really did come back to this planet, she definitely would have stopped by to visit Sadie, no doubt about it.”

               “Are you sure?” Poe asks. “Ren would know how risky that would be. If someone saw them stop by, or someone from the Resistance happened to show up at her door, they know she would lead us straight to them.”

               “If she’s on that planet, there’s no way she’s not going to visit Sadie,” Ladson says firmly as he stands his ground. “Plus, Ani will want to visit her too, and Ren wouldn’t risk disappointing both her and Ani. Remember, he’s going to want her to stay with him, and the only way he’s going to be able to do that is by keeping her happy.”

               “You really think he cares?” Finn asks, crossing his arms over his chest, as he glances at Ladson in disbelief.

               “Oh, he does,” Ladson insists. “Remember, you guys weren’t on the Starkiller Base. Ren practically bent over backwards to make her happy there; he even saved Sadie and sent her home in order to prove it. Not to mention that she was getting to be really good friends with Phasma while she was there. The two of them trained together all the time. If she wasn’t training with her, she was training with Ren.”

               “Do you think she’s still with them?” Poe asks, although there’s a nervous edge to his voice. He had never seen Ren be kind, wasn’t quite convinced he had the potential to be, but he couldn’t deny that even Ren was still human. There had to be a reason that you had been so attracted to him, a reason that the Force bond had activated and pulled you closer to him instead of anyone else. If Ren really liked you, and wanted to keep you there, then what Ladson was saying made a lot of sense from a logical perspective. He had never assumed Ren to _be_ all that logical, but he had been wrong before.

               “It’s possible,” Ladson tells him. “I don’t know what the First Order really looks like now or any of the intel that you guys have probably picked up, but Phasma may stay with them for a while, just to make her feel better about the whole thing, maybe to serve as a bodyguard, I’m not quite sure. Ren always made sure there was someone posted outside her door, just in case. He wasn’t worried about her escaping, but after what happened with Hux, he asked Phasma to spare her best in order to make sure she was safe.”

               “Didn’t really need to, though,” Asher chirps up suddenly. “Rumors were that she was just as fierce as Ren, in her own right. Everyone sort of had a feeling that she would eventually become Phasma’s second in command, before she ran away.”

               “She didn’t run away,” Ladson says testily. “I already told you, Ren sent her away to protect her, remember? I was there, I spoke to him, I’m the one that piloted her off the base-”

               “Yeah, yeah,” Asher says with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I remember you saying, but considering how much damage Ren caused to the base and everyone around him, rumors were that she finally had enough of him and ran away for good.”

               Ladson just laughs at this. “No way she would run away,” he tells him, keeping his voice level. “She was practically hysterical as we flew away from the place. No way she would _ever_ -” He pauses as he suddenly realizes Poe is right there, hanging on his every word. “Sorry. That was years ago, though. Things have changed, obviously.”

               “Yeah,” Poe says quietly, to help distract himself from the fact that they maybe hadn’t. It was obvious that you and Ren had a long history together, that things on the Starkiller Base were more complicated than he or anyone once believed them to be, but he wasn’t quite sure what this meant now, if it had to mean anything. From the way Ladson was talking, it seemed you hadn’t really gotten over Ren in the way that Poe had thought you had, and he wasn’t quite sure what that meant now.

               Regardless, it wasn’t too long until Asher landed the shuttle at the academia, and disengaged the boarding ramp so that everyone could file out. It had been a while since Poe had last been on this planet, and being there only reminded him that he had been planning a surprise trip to take you and Ani and Ladson back here to visit Sadie after things with the First Order had cooled down. To be fair, he had never quite mentioned it to you because he wasn’t sure if you even wanted to go back, and he had considered possibly running out and picking up Sadie and taking her back to the Resistance base to surprise you with a quick visit. Obviously, that would never happen now, and he was a bit disappointed in himself for not bringing it up sooner.

               “I’ll stay with the ship,” Asher says as Poe turns to get out. “Just in case anyone radios in, but if anything starts to go south and you need my help, just give me a shout. Otherwise, I’ll be your ears and keep a look out.”

               “Thanks, Asher,” Poe says quickly before he hesitates for a brief moment. “By the way, is everything okay with you and Ladson? I’ve never seen you come to blows before, and-”

               “It’s fine,” Asher says dismissively. “Had to make it authentic for anyone looking on. At least this way I could say I _tried_ to stop him from taking off.” He shakes his head. “Ladson’s a good fighter for someone that’s never done any fighting, but he’s going to get himself killed if there isn’t anyone looking out for him.”

               “I don’t think we’ll run into any trouble here,” Poe offers with a quick shake of his head. “But I’ll look out for him, don’t worry.”

               Asher dips his head forward in silent appreciation as Poe turns and heads off the shuttle, closing the boarding ramp behind him. Ladson glances past him as he watches the boarding ramp seal itself shut before he just shrugs his shoulders and turns to face the rest of the group. It was getting to the point where he was going to need to keep a running tally of all the times he was going to need to apologize to Asher; it didn’t matter how much he said he understood, it still didn’t take away from the fact that he was making him risk more than he should have to take. This was something he had to do, and something that he, in all honesty, felt as though he had to do himself. He had taken care of Ani since he was a baby, and he honestly couldn’t stand the thought of the kid growing up to be exactly like his dad, erasing all the hard work he had put in to ensure the opposite.

               “You’re right, it is beautiful here,” Rey says as she gazes past the landing strip and towards the verdant green hills that lay beyond.

               “Do you sense her?” Poe asks, almost anxiously, and Rey stills for a moment in concentration, her forehead creasing as she closes her eyes.

               “No,” she admits. “But then again, if they are here, they may have closed themselves off from me.” She turns to back to Ladson, forcing a tight-lipped smile to her lips. “But that doesn’t mean they aren’t here. Your friend might still know something.”

               “Yeah,” Ladson says quickly as he gestures for them to follow him. “This way.” As he walks, he starts to explain about what life had been like for them in the years before Poe had showed up, how Sadie’s father had given them a house, which was small, but enough, and how you had convinced the university to let you teach self-defense classes after you decided that you couldn’t work as an interpreter anymore after what had happened with B. Then Ani had been born, and although he had been still young, Ladson happily recalled the tales of all the mischief he had caused until the group finally arrived at Sadie’s house.

               “Uh, how do you want to do this?” Ladson asks, looking at Poe. “After all, she may know something or she may… _not._ Should we just all walk in there and tell her what happened, or-?”

               “Do you think a more sensitive approach is best?” Poe asks, catching his drift, and Ladson nods his head thankfully.

               “Yeah, I do,” he says quickly, turning to Rey and Finn. “Do you guys mind waiting out here for a minute? I haven’t seen her in a while and I don’t want her, you know-”

               “It’s fine,” Rey says quickly, smiling at him in earnest.

               “She’s your friend,” Finn echoes. “You know what you’re doing. Just let us know what you want us to do, and we’ll do it.”

               “Thanks,” Ladson says as he turns back to Poe. “She’s seen you before, though. With me, then?”

               “After you,” Poe replies as he gestures to the front door of the shop. Ladson nods his head quickly as he opens up the door and walks inside, with Poe following at his heels after a quick nod to Rey and Finn.

               Sadie had been inside cleaning the counter, her short hair now down to her shoulders, but still tucked firmly behind both ears. She had been working in the shop a lot more since her father had gotten older, but she didn’t mind it much. She was starting to get a sense of what her father did, both for his shop and with regard to the trades he made for the university, and she was determined to follow in his footsteps and take over the family business. As soon as the door opens, her eyes shoot up and her face splits into a wide grin as she sees Ladson and Poe walk in.

               _“Ladson!”_ She runs over to him and jumps into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist as he spins her around, holding her tightly to him, mostly to make sure that he didn’t drop her. He spins her around twice before he sets her back down, holding her by her shoulders to make sure she didn’t tip over as he smiles back at her.

               “Sadie,” he says, but there’s less warmth in his voice than he would like there to be.

               “And you,” Sadie says, turning to face Poe. “I remember you. No flirting with me this time, okay? I’m involved with someone now and things are going _quite_ well.” She gives a childish grin to Ladson, who returns it, while Poe just scratches the back of his head uncomfortably. He hadn’t quite remembered flirting with her, but then again, he wouldn’t be surprised if he had suffered at least some brain damage after you had knocked him out cold with your staff.

               “How have you been?” Poe asks, in an effort to remain polite.

               “I’m good,” Sadie says with a shrug of her shoulders. “Things around here don’t change too much.” Her eyes go wide with a sudden recollection. “Although Kylo Ren did stop by here-”

               “When?” Poe demands, and Sadie gives him a look of confusion before she turns back to Ladson.

               “A few weeks after you left,” she tells him, although her demeanor shifts as she acts like this was hardly as a concern to her now. “He was, uh, not too happy that she ran off with you guys. He did that mind probing thing again, which, you know, is always fun, but it was quick and then he headed off after that.”

               “And you haven’t seen him since?” Ladson asks, raising his eyebrows, and Sadie just shakes her head.

               “No, why would I?” she asks, before she peeks around Ladson, as if she expects someone else to be standing there. “So where is she, anyway? Where’s Ani? Don’t tell me you stopped by to visit and left her behind.”

               “Uh, here’s the thing-” Ladson says slowly, glancing at Poe for support, but Poe just shakes his head and looks back at him. If anyone was going to tell Sadie what had really happened, it was not going to be him. “Um, we have some friends from the Resistance that we’d like you to meet first, is that okay?”

               “Sure,” Sadie replies slowly, but she seems confused as Poe walks over to the doorway and cracks it open, gesturing for Finn and Rey to come inside. Rey walks in first with Finn following immediately behind her. They both are clearly making an effort to look as friendly as possible, considering the circumstances, but hang back behind Ladson and Poe.

               “Hi there,” Rey says quickly. “I’m Rey, and this is Finn.”

               “It’s good to meet you,” Finn says with a smile of his own, and Sadie nods at both of them, although she still looks perplexed by the whole situation.

               “It’s nice to meet you,” Sadie echoes politely as she turns back to Ladson. “Seriously, though, where’s Ani? Is she planning on sneaking around back and surprising me from behind?” Sadie twirls around suddenly, as if she expects you to do exactly that, while the rest look on awkwardly. “Come on, where is she? What kind of surprise is she planning?”

               “She, uh-” Ladson scratches the back of his head awkwardly. He would give anything not to tell Sadie this, but he didn’t really have a choice. Someone had to tell her, and as much as he didn’t want it to be him-

               “She and Ani were captured and taken from the Resistance base by Kylo Ren,” Rey tells her, picking up on Ladson’s distress, and he shoots her a quick look of thanks while Sadie looks on. She’s silent for a moment, as if taking this in, until she bursts into a fit of laughter that makes everyone more uncomfortable than they already were.

               “Right, okay,” Sadie says quickly. “She and Ani were _kidnapped_ by Kylo Ren?” Ladson nods his head uncomfortably, and Sadie breaks into another fit of giggles as Poe rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh. “Um, did you forget how long, exactly, she was waiting here for him to come back? You can’t exactly kidnap her if she _wants_ to go with him.”

               “She didn’t,” Poe says firmly, and Sadie crosses her arms over her chest as she looks him over with suspicion, looking him up and down.

               “Um, things sort of got complicated after we left,” Ladson explains as he gestures in Poe’s direction. “She kind of got done waiting around for Ren, and uh, well, she and him were kind of, uh, involved.”

               Sadie’s eyebrows shoot up as she turns to Ladson and puts her extended index finger to her lips, thrusting it outwards quickly in the Tortuarune sign for _Really?_

               Ladson just nods his head and mimics her gesture with a much more relaxed expression. _Yes, really._

               “Obviously things have changed since you’ve been gone,” Sadie says quickly, glancing around at them in turn. “Here, take a seat at the table in back. I want to hear this story for myself. You all have some explaining to do.” Her eyes settle on Poe. “ _Especially_ you.”

               Poe tilts his head to the side in consideration and they all shuffle into the back room as Sadie closes up the shop for the today. She sets about to make tea for everyone as they all take their seats, Finn and Rey along the back wall, Ladson and Poe on the other side of the table, while Sadie sits at the head. “So, uh, I got a lot of questions.”

               “Yeah, I figured,” Ladson says quickly. “Do you want us to start from the beginning or would you rather us just answer your questions?”

               “Uh, start from the beginning,” Sadie decides. “I don’t even know where to start.”

               “Okay, well, um, we got to the Resistance,” Ladson says, half-talking and half-signing in Tortuarune. “And she talked to Kylo Ren’s mother, Leia, General Organa, and found out what he did pretty much right away.”

               “So everything Hux told me about him was true?” Sadie asks, and Ladson nods his head. “I knew it, see, I told you, she should have listened to me.”

               “Yeah, well, that’s not all he did,” Ladson says as he points to everyone in turn, starting with Poe. “Mind probe and torture-“ He turns to Rey. “Mind probe and torture and kidnapping-“ He turns to Finn. “I don’t know if almost slicing him in half counts as torture but-“ Sadie gasps as he puts her hands over her mouth, and Ladson nods his head slowly in confirmation. “Oh, and he may have also murdered his dad while we were here.”

               “Holy _shit_ ,” Sadie exclaims. “Is all of that really true?”

               “It is,” Finn replies quietly, and Sadie shakes her head back and forth. “And there’s more, but you probably don’t want to hear it.”

               “Damn,” Sadie murmurs under her breath as she continues to shake her head from side to side. “No wonder he didn’t come back.”

               “Yeah, well,” Ladson shrugs his shoulders. “Turns out he had basically been brainwashed since he was a kid by a guy named Snoke-”

               “Supreme Leader Snoke?” Sadie asks. “The one Hux was always going on about?”

               “Right,” Ladson says with a quick nod of his head. “Leia was worried that Snoke was going to come after Ani next to try to brainwash him and pull him over to the dark side as well, so we figured it was safer for him to stay on the Resistance base. Leia even offered her training to sweeten the deal, I guess, to make sure she could really protect Ani if it ever came down to it.”

               “Training?” Sadie echoes. “You mean, like combat training? I thought she was already pretty good with her staff.”

               “Oh, believe me, she is,” Finn mutters under his breath, and Sadie laughs as she remembers the way you and Ladson used to spar on the grass while Ani looked on.

               “Finn taught her how to use a blaster,” Ladson explains. “Poe taught her how to pilot ships, and Rey taught her how to better control the Force. Even helped her build her own lightsaber and everything.”

               “A lightsaber?” Sadie repeats, blinking rapidly. “You mean, like, like _his_ lightsaber?”

               “No,” Ladson says quickly, his eyes involuntarily dropping down to the scar on Sadie’s neck. “This one’s much different. It’s more or less like her old staff, like, it has the hilt, and then two blades come out each side of it.” He scratches the back of his head uncomfortably. “And hers is, uh, amber, for some reason.”

               “Lightsaber colors vary for many different reasons,” Rey explains. “Amber is a very rare color, but it does show that there is an even balance of light and darkness, an equal potential for both.”

               “I’ve never really been much for that Force stuff,” Sadie says slowly, but Ladson quickly brings her attention back around to him.

               “It’s okay,” he assures her. “Rey’s a Jedi, she’s one of the good guys.”

               “Actually the good guys or the guys that pretend to be the good guys?” Sadie asks suspiciously, and Poe cracks a grin at that.

               “Actually the good guys,” Ladson confirms. “It’s the New Republic that we’ve learned has less than stellar motives. Some guy that has a beef with Poe went out of his way to make sure that the Senate approved a bounty on her head, so there’s a hefty reward for her capture, dead or alive.”

               Sadie turns to Poe pointedly as she narrows her eyes. “Thanks for that.” Poe closes his eyes and lets out a sigh, but Finn is quick to jump to his defense.

               “Not his fault,” Finn insists. “We didn’t know that this would happen, didn’t know that Kylo Ren would try to escape. Given how easy he was to capture, we thought that the First Order might have been on the outs with Ren and he was looking for a way out himself.” He shakes his head. “But they came for him when we weren’t there and he was able to get away. Luke had put a Force lock on the door that Ren should never have been able to get past, but Poe did everything he could to try to keep her and Ani on base.”

               “Sorry,” Sadie says quickly as her eyes skirt over to Poe. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

               “It’s fine,” Poe says quickly, holding up one hand, but Sadie shakes her head as she continues.

               “Sorry,” Sadie repeats. “I just have a hard time picturing her with anyone besides Kylo Ren. I mean, I still remember when she used to sneak into my room at night, crying about him-”

               “When was this?” Ladson asks, raising an eyebrow.

               “Uh, on the Starkiller Base?” Sadie asks with a small laugh.

               “I know that,” Ladson replies dismissively. “But, when, exactly?”

               “Before you two got so close,” Sadie teases. “Before you two got locked in the meeting room together, I’m pretty sure. He came over one night and things got, uh, really physical, really fast, and it sort of freaked her out.”

               “Was that before or after he almost choked her to death?” Ladson asks, his voice surprisingly casual, as if he had simply asked her about the weather outside or the time of day.

               “After,” Sadie says, nodding her head as she tries to recall. “Yeah, I think it was definitely after.”

               Finn shares a look with Poe, who raises his eyebrows in agreement, before he looks back and forth between them. “You do realize you both are talking about this as if it’s _normal_ , right?”

               “I believe she called it unconventional at the time,” Sadie offers.

               “Yeah, she definitely did,” Ladson agrees. “Either way, she didn’t exactly, you know, care about any of that.”

               “I remember,” Sadie continues. “It was wise not to say anything against Kylo Ren when she was around. She didn’t want us to say anything negative about him in front of Ani, and while I understood that-” She pauses as she glances towards Poe and suddenly thinks better of what she was about to say. “Anyway, how exactly did he kidnap her? Did he break into the base somehow? You said he was captured; you make it sound like he was some kind of prisoner there.”

               “He was,” Poe says as he nods his head forward. “She helped bring him in.”

               Sadie narrows her eyes at him. “You’re going to have to explain this one to me. I know she’s strong but, to take on Kylo Ren? She couldn’t do it.”

               “Then I’m glad I brought this along,” Ladson says, pulling something out of his jacket. It’s the recorded holo of the fight, and he glances at Rey across the table as he sets it up. “You don’t mind showing this to her, do you, Rey?”

               “Not at all,” Rey replies with a dismissive shake of her head as the holo begins to play. Sadie watches on as the battle starts, watching you expand the amber blades from out of the hilt of your staff.

               “I see what you mean,” Sadie murmurs under her breath. “That thing is wicked.”

               “Just like her staff, she never lets it out of her sight,” Poe tells her. “Although she did pass on her regular staff to Ani.”

               “Is he any good with it?” Sadie asks, although her eyes are still fixed on the holo.

               “Not as good as she is, but he’s getting there,” Ladson chimes in. “Wait, wait, watch this part.” They all watch as you summon the blaster to your hands and fire it between your spinning blades.

               “I still can’t believe she did that,” Rey says, a quiet touch of pride in her voice.

               “How is she holding the staff up and spinning it like that?” Sadie asks. “Is that really because of the Force?”

               “She’s become a lot more powerful than she was,” Ladson tells her. “She can literally levitate herself now while she’s meditating. It’s, uh, kind of creepy, actually.” He glances to Rey quickly. “No offense.”

               “None taken,” Rey says quickly. “I must admit, I thought it was strange the first time I saw it too.”

               “So if she can do this stuff, what about Ani?” Sadie asks, looking between them. “Does he have this kind of power too?”

               “He does, but it’s dormant,” Rey explains. “He’s currently untrained, although I suspect that Ren will want to commence training immediately, especially in light of certain things.” Her eyes flit back to Ladson, who looks away uncomfortably.

               “Do I even want to know what’s going on?” Sadie asks with a sigh, before she answers her own question. “It’s about Ani, though, so I obviously do. Is he okay? Is he in danger?”

               “Not exactly,” Ladson explains. “He’s been seeing, these uh, ghosts, basically. They’re spirits of people who had died that are still hanging around in the Force, and they’ve been talking to Ani in his dreams for I think a while now, but uh, now he can see them just while he’s up and walking around and he, uh, talks to them.”

               “I take it back, I don’t think I want to know,” Sadie says as she shakes her head from side to side, her hair falling out from behind her ears. “But you still didn’t mention how she captured him.”

               “Well,” Ladson says, shifting uncomfortably in her chair. “He had been contacting her in her dreams, apparently, telling her to take Ani and go to him, so she told the General about it, Leia, and she thought it would be best to send her in to distract him, to make sure he couldn’t escape while they sent in their forces to bring him in.”

               “And when you say distraction, you really mean-“ Sadie moves her two hands across each other in the quick Tortuarune sign for _fucking_ , and Ladson nods his head.

               “Yeah, exactly,” he says quickly, and Sadie turns to Poe.

               “So I’m guessing you two got together after that?” Sadie asks, and Poe drops his gaze. “Before? Really? And you were just okay with her going off with him like that?”

               “It was for the mission,” Poe says with a note of insistence in his voice. “And I don’t know, it was uh, complicated.”

               “Everything with her is complicated,” Sadie says as she rolls her eyes. “So okay, she distracted Kylo Ren and then what happened?”

               “Well, then he tried to kill her,” Ladson explains, and Sadie just huffs, as if she’s more annoyed by the whole thing than anything else. “But she said it wasn’t really his fault, that it was Snoke, he was mind controlling him somehow, and Ren stopped right as he was about to, you know, with his lightsaber.”

               “Have you ever tried to kill her?” Sadie asks, turning to Poe, who can’t help but laugh in spite of himself.

               “Not to my knowledge,” Poe replies good-naturedly.

               “Okay, that puts you in my plus column,” Sadie says as she turns back to Ladson. “Seriously, how many times is he going to _almost_ kill her before he actually does?”

               “No idea,” Ladson replies. “I stayed behind, but uh, do you guys want to pick it up from there?”

               “Uh, when I saw her first, she was with you and you had already been shot,” Finn says, turning to Poe.

               “It happened really fast,” Poe admits.

               “She was unconscious, I think,” Rey says, turning to Sadie. “I was able to find them easily, through the Force, and Ren was carrying her over his shoulder. She was really out of it. He set her down and then I started to duel him…” She turns to Poe to carry on the story.

               “I found her next,” Poe explains. “She said she hit her head pretty bad, but I don’t know if it was from the explosions outside the ship knocking everything around or if it was something that he had done to her.”

               “Or both,” Finn offers.

               “Or both,” Poe adds in consideration. “But we started getting flanked on all sides by Storm Troopers. We managed to take most of them out with a thermal detonator, but then I got shot down.”

               “And I saved you both,” Finn says with a cocky smile as he picks up the story from there. “Handed over her lightsaber, and she rushed over to help Rey take him down. He didn’t look like he expected her to have it, and he was no match for the both of them, and they both did that Force thing to take him down. Then we escaped the base, brought him back with us, and he was locked up after that.”

               Sadie just shakes her head. “You know I really shouldn’t be surprised at this point by anything she does, and yet I still am. What if he had killed her? What would have happened to Ani then?”

               “I would have taken care of him,” Ladson says firmly. “And in any case, he didn’t kill her. I honestly don’t think he can. She means as much to him as he does to her.”

               Sadie makes a face as she glances aside at Poe. “That’s got to hurt,” she murmurs under her breath, and Poe just lets out a breath.

               “She’s been gone a few weeks,” he admits. “But she’s going to try to find her way back to the Resistance as soon as she can.”

               “For you?” Sadie asks, and Poe just shrugs.

               “She has friends on base,” Finn says. “We’re her friends. Her family. She would want to come home.”

               Sadie offers a smile in his direction, but it’s clearly forced. “I hate to break it to you guys,” she starts, then seemingly changes her mind as she speaks. “Okay, I mean, granted I haven’t really spent much time with her over the past few months while she’s been gone, but I can say for a fact that I’ve known her a lot longer than any of you, and if you don’t find her soon, it’s because she wants to stay with him.” She turns to Poe to speak to him specifically. “I know you don’t want to hear that, and it sucks, and I’m sorry, but if Ren tells her that he wants to start being a good father to Ani, she’s going to eat that up.” She pauses suddenly, as if considering something for the first time. “Does she even _know_ that there’s a bounty on her head?”

               “Uh,” Finn says, looking around to everyone at the table.

               “It’s _possible_ ,” Poe offers, but none of them had any real way of knowing for sure.

               “I mean, what if she finds out about that and decides to stay hidden?” Sadie asks. “You know, I mean, what if she thinks that you guys are the ones who put the bounty on her?”

               “She has to know we didn’t,” Poe says forcefully. “I was there. Ren weakened her somehow and carried her off. She didn’t just go with him willingly; I saw that with my own eyes.”

               “Or maybe that’s what they wanted to make it look like,” Sadie offers.

               “Sadie,” Ladson scolds quickly, but Sadie just shrugs her shoulders.

               “Just playing devil’s advocate,” she says quickly. “I just mean, what if she gets it into her head, or Ren gets it into her head, that you all think she’s a traitor? Then she would have no reason to go back to the Resistance.”

               Poe turns to Rey, who nods her head uncertainly. “It’s possible,” she admits. “He does have a strong hold over her through their bond. I don’t know what he would be capable of making her believe. It really depends on her.”

               Poe just shakes his head from side to side as he sighs in frustration. “I’m sorry,” Sadie offers. “I mean, I don’t really know you all that well, but it’s not a stretch to believe that you were nicer to her than Ren probably was.” She pauses for a moment as she thinks things over. “Were you two, uh, close?”

               Poe tilts his head to the side and runs the side of his hand along his bottom lip. “Uh, yeah, uh, we were.”

               “I don’t know anything about your relationship to say anything with any real certainty,” Sadie admits. “But if you two really did get that close, then have faith that she’s going to come back. I mean, ultimately it’ll come down to whether she really wants to be with you or him, right? Either that, or she’ll do what she thinks is best for Ani.” She bites her lip. “And, I mean, hey, this may not make you feel any better, but maybe she really wants to come back to you and Ren has her locked up in a tower and she’s waiting for you to come rescue her.”

               Poe smiles good-naturedly as Ladson lets out a groan. “This isn’t one of your damn books, Sadie.”

               “Okay, fine,” Sadie says as she crosses her arms over her chest. “But if you came here in the hopes that I’ve seen her, you’re out of luck, and I don’t think she’s going to be coming by here any time soon. This planet didn’t have strong ties to the Republic before, but there have been more off-worlders around here as of late, and while I didn’t think anything of it at first, it might have something to do with her.”

               “Interesting,” Ladson murmurs under his breath. “Do they really think she’s a threat?”

               “You saw the holo,” Poe reminds him. “If you saw that and you didn’t know her, and someone told you that she’s working with Kylo Ren, what would you believe?”

               “Fair point,” Ladson concedes. “I-”

               Suddenly the comlink on Poe’s wrist crackles to life, and Poe quickly pushes himself away from the table and stands up, his back to them, as Asher’s voice floats through. “Black Leader, you copy?”

               “Black Leader?” Sadie whispers, leaning over towards Ladson.

               “Most people call him Commander Dameron,” Ladson whispers back. “Commander of the Starfighter Corps. He personally oversees the Red, Blue, and Black squadrons for the Resistance.”

               “Holy crap,” Sadie says as she settles back in her chair. “She really does know how to pick them, doesn’t she?”

               “Yeah, I copy,” Poe says through the comlink. “What’s wrong, Asher?”

               “Uh, did the General happen to request that you stay on base?” Asher asks, and Poe squeezes his eyes shut. He had hoped that they would be able to be back before anyone really noticed, but apparently that was not going to be the case today.

               “She might have mentioned it,” Poe says, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.

               “And he’s a rebel,” Sadie whispers again. “Okay, things are starting to make a bit more sense now.”

               “Well she wants you to come back,” Asher says. “Preferably now, although five minutes ago would have worked better.”

               Poe sighs as he wipes his face with one hand. “What did you tell her?”

               “I told them it was my fault,” Asher says, and Sadie giggles as Ladson sinks his face into both arms. “I told them that I lured you guys on board under the guise of trying to help me with something, and then took off. I’m not sure she’s buying it, but she’s pretty pissed either way. I think you’re going to need Rey to sweet talk her again if I don’t want to be suspended; I think I’m just about out of strikes.”

               “Can do,” Rey replies with a smirk, and Sadie just raises her eyebrows curiously.

               “I was trying to do a new training exercise with a droid named Pete,” Finn ventures nervously as he looks away. “He _may_ have almost self-destructed and blown up the hangar, but Asher took the fall for it.”

               “He has a habit of doing that,” Ladson mutters under his breath, suddenly realizing that an apology wasn’t going to cut it this time. Asher had stuck his neck out to defend him, _again_ , and while there was no doubt that Asher would do that for anyone, he knew he had to stop treating him like the enemy whenever Asher told him that he shouldn’t do something. Just because Asher didn’t mind putting himself on the line didn’t mean he wanted Ladson to do the same, especially considering how he was never an official part of the Resistance and Leia could potentially order him off base at any second if he wasn’t willing to contribute to her cause. Sometimes it was just difficult for him to remember that there were people at the Resistance that he really could trust, even in light of everything that had happened. Asher was on his side, he was someone he could trust and rely on, and maybe it was time that he told him just that.

               Regardless, Poe just sighs as he lowers his wrist. “Sorry to cut this visit short, but I think we got to go.”

               “Come back and visit soon,” Sadie says as she looks over at Ladson. “Seriously, this is the first time I’ve seen you in forever, and you come bearing bad news.”

               “Well, in truth, we came here to look for her,” Ladson admits. “We were hoping she was hiding out here.”

               “Not with the way the Republic’s been here,” Sadie repeats with a brief shake of her head. “I mean, I can see why you think _she’d_ come back here, but Ren probably didn’t like it here much. If you ask me, he’s going to be on the furthest planet at the furthest corner of the galaxy to make sure you can never find her, especially if she doesn’t want to stay with him. I don’t know how much of a pilot she is, but I’m pretty sure she’d be more than a little nervous to just take off somewhere if she has absolutely no idea where she’s going.”

               “Fair point,” Ladson admits as he turns back to Rey. “And you don’t feel anything at all?”

               “Nothing,” Rey says as she glances at Sadie and then back to Ladson. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think they’ve been here.”

               “It was worth a try,” Poe says with an idle shrug of his shoulders. “At least we know it’s one place we can cross off our list.”

               “I’ll let you know if she comes back,” Sadie offers. “If I see her or Ani, I’ll let you know.” She smirks. “Even if she asks me not to. I’m all for respecting her decisions and everything, but I don’t want to see anything happen to her. Or Ani. I don’t have to tell any of you how dangerous he can be, and I’m worried about her, especially knowing that there’s a bounty on her head.”

               “Thanks,” Poe says as he nods his head forward. “We appreciate it.”

               “He’s not going to get away with this,” Ladson says firmly as he walks over to her and gives her a quick hug. “I’ll make sure of it. I’ll travel to every planet in the galaxy if I have to.”

               “Yeah, the General’s not real pleased with you right now,” Poe says as he looks him up and down. “You may want to rethink that. Asher may say it’s his fault, but if you’re here with us, she’s going to know that you put him up to it. She may have you on lockdown for a bit, just until she’s sure that you’re not going to do anything stupid.”

               “Well, she’s not here, so one of us has to,” Ladson says with a grin back towards Sadie, and he gives her another hug before he heads out of the room. Finn and Rey say their goodbyes as they head out after him, but Sadie holds onto Poe’s arm as he’s about to follow them out the door.

               “I’m sorry, I think I was kind of rude before,” Sadie says softly. “Like, I just didn’t expect her to ever move on from Kylo Ren, but it looks like you do really care about her, and I’m sorry.” She forces herself to smile. “All the more reason to find her and bring her home, right? The next time you guys come visit me, you better bring her along so she can explain this herself.”

               “Good luck with that,” Poe says, trying to keep his voice light. “If you’re going to force her to explain herself when she comes, then she’s never going to want to visit.”

               There’s a gleam in Sadie’s eyes as she laughs in earnest at that. “So you really do know her then,” she muses. “Well, good luck, Poe. It looks like there’s a lot of people that really care about her, and I’m glad. Really, I do hope that you’ll be able to find her and bring her and Ani home soon. I’ll never forgive her if I never get to see Ani again.”

               Poe forces a laugh and gives her a final nod before he steps outside to join the others. Sadie manages a quick wave before she shuts the door, and if Poe’s not mistaken, he thinks he can see tears forming in her eyes that she hadn’t let fall while they had been there.

               Sadie was right, there were a lot of people that cared about you, not only at the Resistance, but here too. You had friends, you had a _family_ , you had a life outside of Kylo Ren that Ren himself wasn’t even aware of, and he had been selfish enough to assume that he could provide you with anything and everything that you would ever want. But he was wrong, Poe was certain that; if nothing else, time would prove it so.

Finn walks side by side with Poe while Ladson and Rey walk together in front of them as they head back to the ship. “Don’t worry,” Rey says, placing her hand on Ladson’s arm in a comforting gesture. “We’ll find her eventually. As Poe said, now it’s just one less place we have to look.”

               “Yeah,” Ladson says, twisting his neck around to look back at Poe. “Look, I’m sorry about-”

               “Don’t be,” Poe says quickly, as he forces a smile to his lips. “Besides, you should save your apologies. You’re probably going to have to grovel in front of the General to get her to forgive you.”

               “Yeah,” Ladson murmurs. “Not to mention Asher. I’ve been hell to put up with since she left.”

               “He understands,” Rey says comfortingly. “You’ll work things out and she’ll come home. You’ll see.”

               “We can hope,” Ladson murmurs as he lets out a deep sigh, and Finn turns as he claps a hand on Poe’s shoulder.

               “You doing all right there, buddy?” he asks, searching Poe’s face intently, and Poe reluctantly just nods his head up and down.

               “Yeah, I’m doing okay,” Poe sighs. “Just wish she had actually been here, but since when is it ever that easy, right?”

               “We’ll find her eventually,” Finn says, giving Poe’s shoulder another reassuring squeeze as they begin to march up the boarding ramp back into the ship.

               “Yeah,” Poe echoes, turning for a moment to watch the sun setting on the horizon. He remembered when you had sat safely in his arms while you had watched the sun set together on D’Qar before you had gone off on your mission to help them capture Kylo Ren. They had partially succeeded, but right now a small part of him almost wished that he had been able to talk you out of that mission, that you never would have left. If you hadn’t, they may not have captured Kylo Ren, but at least you and Ani would be safe and sound where you belonged, right there on D’Qar with your family.

               Even still, Poe Dameron was not one to live his life on past regrets. He _would_ find you. It didn’t matter where Ren was keeping you, it didn’t matter how long it would take; he would scour the galaxy and he would find you, and he would bring you home.

               “Eventually.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that wraps up the space between Candle and Glow from Poe's perspective. Next week we're going to be jumping back into things from Kylo's perspective, when we get to watch him interact with his son a bit more....who doesn't love that? ^_^ Until then, cheers!!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Glow in the Dawn  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Parallel, Ani tells Reader about “stones” and Kylo asks him where he heard that.  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader, Ani

               Why did you always have to make everything so _fucking_ complicated?

               All Ren wanted to do was teach his son the ways of the Force, to be as strong as he could ever be, perhaps stronger. He still remembered all the ways that Luke had limited him in his own struggles, telling him to be patient and reminding him in all the ways he was limited simply because he was too young to understand. No, and how could he ever understand without instruction, without anyone telling him the things he truly needed to know? Not that it really mattered. The truths that Luke failed to share had been given to him by Snoke, someone who could actually see his potential and help him realize it for what it was. Power.

               Though, then again, he didn’t want to think about Snoke now. He didn’t want to think about Snoke ever again, and oddly enough, it was his uncle and the scavenger who had made that possible. With Snoke’s presence no longer haunting his waking thoughts, he was free to at least _try_ to pick up the shattered pieces of his family and put them back together again. That was, of course, if you’d let him. He could understand that you would be skeptical of his intentions at first, but now it seemed that you were insistent to do everything in your power to tease him, to draw him closer before pushing him away again.

               He hadn’t been lying when he said he wanted to spend time with his son and while he thought you would have been overjoyed with the idea, for some reason you were more callous and skeptical than ever, as if he was someone who couldn’t be trusted. The notion, of course, was ridiculous considering that _you_ had been the one who came to _him_ under false pretenses, that you could have ultimately been the one that resulted in him losing not only his Force capabilities, but his life, if the Force had been anything less than auspicious towards him. Still, he hadn’t held it against you, had forgiven you, and yet you didn’t seem to care. You just wanted to go back, back to the Resistance, back to his mother, and worse, back to that _fucking_ pilot. It was bad enough that he had captured his mother’s attention, and that was fine, he would probably have made a better son to her anyway, but he could not have you. You were the very last thing in this galaxy that he valued, the only person who could push away his nightmares and stop him from drowning himself alive in his guilt. He needed you more than he ever did right now, and of course, now you refused to be there for him.

               Was this payback? He hadn’t been there for you when you had needed him the most, when his son had needed him the most, but now he was trying to make amends for that. He could do little to erase the past, but it was starting to seem that that was exactly what you wanted him to do. It was starting to look like his sincere attempts to reclaim his future with you were bordering on futile, but he didn’t know how to give you up. You had been on his mind incessantly since he had met you, and now that you were here he had been hoping that he never had to lose you again.

               Maybe somewhere along the line he had already lost you, and had been only too blind to realize that he had.

               But he hadn’t lost his son yet, and he was going to do everything in his power to do right by him. He had been abandoned by his own father, and he was not going to make the same mistake with his own son, leaving him to be raised by people who claimed they had his best interests at heart, when they couldn’t possibly know what he was truly capable of. He could never admit it to you, but simply the thought of the scavenger and his uncle teaching his son to use the Force was disgusting, abhorrent. Instruction in the Force was a delicate personal venture, and he wanted that time to bond with his son now, to make up for all the years that he had been away.

               And while Ani, as he insisted on calling himself, seemed quick to forgive and eager to learn, you were less than enthused about his training, although he wasn’t sure why. He had trained you in the Force, and you had been all too eager to learn from him then. He had taught you nothing of the ways of the dark side, had kept as much concealed as he could, but was at least honest with you when you had dared yourself to ask. Did you really think that he was going to teach his son to embrace the dark side of the Force when he himself was trying so hard to turn against it? He was starting to think that it wasn’t Ani’s Force training at all that had ignited your anger against him. Maybe you just didn’t want to be there anymore, not with him. He couldn’t bring himself to believe that you would really be happier with the pilot, but maybe too much time had passed for you to truly appreciate the bond between you. A part of you still loved him, he could feel it, but with you so insistent that you couldn’t be with him, maybe you were starting to believe it yourself.

               Either way, he wasn’t going to fight you, not anymore. He just felt tired, above all things, worn out in a way he couldn’t describe. He hadn’t been sleeping well for the past several years, but for some reason the nights here seemed to stretch on for hours. Maybe it was because he awoke every hour to see you sleeping there across the room, within his reach and yet unable to be touched. He wasn’t quite sure if he needed you to touch him or if the reverse was true, but sometimes when he awoke from a bad dream, he lulled himself back into an easy rest by trying to remember all the things about you that he loved, like the lopsided way that you smiled. The way your skin crinkled right between your eyes when you tried to focus. The way your fingernails lightly scratched the nape of his neck when he kissed you. The way you’d-

               He was suddenly awakened from his thoughts as he heard you coming down the stairs, and he could feel the force of your anger in full flow. He had decided to wait until you had fallen asleep before coming upstairs so as to not ignite your anger further, fearing of doing literally anything that would cause you to turn away from him once and for all. No, it seemed staying away from you was his best course of action at the moment, although by the steady waves of anger pulsing through the bond, he was beginning to think that merely the fact that he was alive was a source of unfathomable frustration for you, one that he would be unable to fix.

               “Sleeping down here now?” you demand as you appear in the doorway, leaning against it as you cross your arms over your chest. You look angry, and Ren just sighs as he drags himself into a seated position.

               “Well,” he begins, almost a bit crossly. “You made your feelings quite clear last night. I thought you would have an easier time avoiding me for a month if I slept down here.” Considering he woke up to go Force training with Ani before you were awake, even if he did sneak back upstairs to sleep across the room, you would be ignorant of it. He didn’t want to lie to you, but he also didn’t know how to tell you that simply being near you was soothing in a way that he wasn’t sure you wanted him to explain.

               “And that’s fine, if that’s what you really want to do,” you continue. “But none of this keeping secrets with Ani bullshit, because that’s exactly what it is, it’s bullshit. If you’re going to train Ani in the Force, I want to be part of it.”

               “No.” The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them. He wasn’t just training Ani in the Force, and he was beginning to suspect that you knew that, but he couldn’t help himself. He wanted to hear all the stories of what you had been up to while he was away, wanted to hear every detail that he had missed about your life. Ani seemed certain that you still cared for him, that you would come around in time, and while it was true that he had been by your side the past few years, he had to force himself to remember that Ani was still just a child, and thus his opinion was tainted by the optimism that his parents would once again reunite and complete the family that he wanted. Ren himself had no arguments with that, but convincing you of this, it seemed, was going to be much harder than he had initially believed.

               “Why?” you demand, but Ren just sits there and says nothing. There’s not anything he really can say to you, either. Anything he said would be a lie, and he was not about to tell you that a part of him really did think that he might have just been using his son to get you back. He thought his connection to his son was genuine, and he did honestly believe he wanted to train him and make him stronger, but a part of him couldn’t help but wonder if he had selfish, ulterior motives that he could no longer recognize for himself. “Fine,” you say simply. “I’m just going to take Ani and head off then. See you never.”

               “No you won’t.” His voice is quiet, resigned, and he wants to be angry, but finds that he suddenly has very little anger left to give. That was rare for him, but he had done as much as he felt he could; anything else he could think of to do would probably just make the situation worse and push you away from him completely.

               “Oh no?” you ask as you look back at him. “And why not?”

               “Because you’re a better person than I am,” Ren admits, not liking the painful stir in his chest as he said the words out loud. It was true, they had always been true, and yet he had never wanted to bring himself to say it out loud. You didn’t want to be with him anymore, you _couldn’t_ be with him, because you had found out about the awful things he had done, because of the atrocities he had committed, and you cared about the lives he had taken and destroyed, the lives of people you had never even met. You cared because you were selfless, and kind, always looking out for your friends and putting their interests above your own, and while he secretly liked the fact that you could simply overlook his past misdeeds and still choose to be with him, it was starting to seem that he had too much to be forgiven for. He had always known that you were too good for him and while he had tried to be selfless and send you away for your own protection, it seemed that was truly when he had lost you for good. The pilot offered you his own noble sentiments, constantly driven by his noble quest to improve the galaxy in whatever way he could, and of course that was what had probably drawn you to him in the first place, seeing the same virtues reflected in yourself. As much as he hated to admit it, the pilot could offer you more, and that was exactly what you deserved, more than he could ever give you.

               He expects you to deny his statement, because no truly good person could ever admit to being so, but instead you just laugh as you shake your head from side to side. “Sometimes I wonder about that,” you murmur, but your voice is soft as you turn and head upstairs. There was something in your voice, some despondent note of energy that he wasn’t quite sure how to describe, but either way, he didn’t like it. He knew that being bonded through the Force bond meant that you were more susceptible to his flashes of rage and his idle bouts of depression and self-doubt, but that was not something he ever wanted to put you through. And yet, that was exactly what seemed to be happening. You were no longer angry, no, you were as sad and dejected as he was, and again, it was his fault that you were feeling this way, and there was nothing you wanted him to do to help you resolve your bitter sentiments towards him.

               Before he realized it, he was on his feet, heading up to the room. Your dejected energy had quieted down, and as he opened the door quietly, he could see you curled up on the bed, your head against one pillow while you wrapped your arms tightly around the other as you hugged it into your chest. He knew he shouldn’t touch you, shouldn’t disturb you, but he just couldn’t help himself. Slowly, he reached out and hesitated there for a moment, letting his hand linger in empty space before he finally brought it down to stroke your hair out of your face. You didn’t even seem to notice, and he just stood there for a moment as he closed his eyes, wishing more than anything that you would wake up and tell him that you missed him, that you wanted him to crawl into bed beside you and hold you once again. Still, it didn’t matter how much he wished that were true. Even if you did, you would only hate him for it in the morning, and it wasn’t something he truly knew how to deal with.

               Instead, he just used the Force to slowly slide the blankets over you as he gently tucked you in, trying not to wake you. Before he was truly even aware of what he was doing, he had quickly bent down and kissed your forehead, pulling away slightly only to brush a stray hair out of your face again. You murmured in your sleep and seemed to lean into his touch, although perhaps that was only what he wanted to believe. Regardless, he couldn’t help himself. Instead he slowly lowered his face to your ear, so close he could feel his lips brush against your earlobe.

               “I love you,” he whispers as his hands clutch at the blanket beneath him. He whispered it as though it was essential that you heard it, as if you were in a deep sleep and those three words were the only thing he could say to awaken you. He waited for a moment, but his words didn’t change the steady rise and fall of your chest as you slept through his fervent proclamation, and he just shook his head as he pulled away, sinking into the couch on the far side of the room.

               What had happened to him? He was once Kylo Ren, a name that was feared throughout the galaxy for causing destruction and ruin. No one dared to trifle with him or question his power, and yet here he was, trying to gain back the affections of one he had scorned, trying to earn the forgiveness of someone who no longer cared if he had it or not. He didn’t want to give up, and yet it was starting to appear that he had fewer and fewer options concerning what _he_ wanted to do about the matter. He wanted you more than he had ever wanted anything in his life, and the thought of not having you, or worse, the thought of losing you to someone else, was unthinkable.

               No, there had to be something that he could do to win back your affections, he simply needed time to discover what. You had at least given him that much, as brief a period as it was, to train Ani, and he didn’t have a doubt in his mind that he was going to have to use his son to help win back your favor. You were angry that he hadn’t been there for his son growing up, but he could fix that now. If he could prove that his intentions were authentic and honest, maybe you wouldn’t leave. If he could convince Ani to stay, then perhaps you would stay as well. You were becoming friendlier with Phasma again, and although he didn’t dare ask her to speak to you on his behalf, perhaps your friendship with her would give you added incentive to stay as well.

               Eventually the thoughts of how to win back your favor were the final lingering ones that stayed with him until he descended into a dark and uneasy sleep, plagued by shadows and long corridors of the Starkiller Base. He was trying to find you, somewhere in the spinning labyrinth, while the base exploded all around him. He could hear cries of terror, could feel the heat of the planet’s unstable core cracking and exploding as the terrain in front of him ripped and erupted, sending cascading cracks through the tiles beneath his feet. He tries his best to avoid them, to use the Force to jump one from lingering edge to another before he ran out of room to progress completely and was sent spiraling down to the planet’s molten core below.

               Finally, as he turned one blind corner he saw you, standing at the other end of the hallway with your back to him, your head turned over your shoulder slightly as if you were waiting for him. “Wait!” he yelled, although he wasn’t sure if you could hear him over the sound of the planet literally ripping itself in half. Quickly, he tried to make his way over to you as fast as possible as the tiles dropped out beneath his feet, one by one. The path to you was becoming harder and harder to navigate, and just as the ground behind your heels fell away, he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to make it. Desperately, he took a running jump and tried to use the Force to propel him as far as he could, but only managed to grab onto the rocky abyss beneath your feet, holding on as the heat burned at his feet and his heels.

               “Help me!” You were standing directly above him now, within arm’s reach. All you had to do was bend down and pull him to safety. He could see the safe corridor stretching on in front of you, ensuring safe passage out and away from this accursed tomb once and for all. All you needed to do was simply stretch out your hand and help pull him up, and he could walk out of there with you, together…

               Suddenly you turn and start walking down the corridor alone, and he can’t help but feel cold despite the immense heat that was threatening to engulf him. This coldness, this lingering sense of numbness, went much deeper, down to his core, and while he knew he could use the Force to propel him upwards to safety, what would be the point? The First Order was in ruins. You turned your back on him. What more was there left for him? He had spent the last few years caught between extremes, and his inept decision to back the losing side meant that he had lost everything that he could have ever wanted. Maybe it was appropriate, considering how much harm and destruction he had caused in his path, that that should be the only thing awaiting his future as well.

               He closed his eyes and pushed himself back, letting him fall backwards into the abyss, allowing the fire consume him and lick his wounds clean.

               He sat up suddenly, his eyes darting around the room as he took in the fine rays of sunlight from beyond the window. He sucked in a deep gulp of air before reaching up to run his hand through his hair, finding it damp with sweat. The nightmares had to stop, although in truth, there was very little he could do in that regard. He couldn’t simply _make_ the nightmares stop no matter how much he wished it. Some things simply could not be changed, and it was beginning to appear that this was one of them. He had done too much harm in his life to be forgiven, and now his sins were beginning to haunt him even in his nightmares, perhaps hoping that he would finally do the right thing and surrender himself to the flames once again.

               But he couldn’t think about that now, not with you sleeping so close by. If he tried to make you feel guilty for his current state, it would only make you feel indebted to him and that was the last thing that he wanted. He wanted you to be with him again by your own choice, not out of any perceived sense of obligation. If he tried to rush things too quickly, it was only going to result in you resenting him again, and he couldn’t risk that. Your feelings were there, and if he didn’t give up hope, he was almost certain that they would be returned in time. It would require an extraordinary amount of patience on his part, but as he slowly lowered himself back down to at least attempt another chance at sleep, he hoped that a part of you still genuinely cared for him, even if you wouldn’t even admit to yourself that you did.

               That morning, he awoke to see that you weren’t lying in the bed. He got up immediately, his heart pounding with the thought of you sneaking out and taking Ani with you, but was immediately comforted when his eyes settled on your lightsaber, still sitting on the nightstand. You wouldn’t have left without it, which meant that you were somewhere close by. Quietly, he crept out into the hallway to hear muttered voices coming from Ani’s room. The door was open, and he quickly pressed himself outside the doorway as he listened in, trying to get as much of your conversation as he possibly could hear for himself.

               “Do I?” he can hear you ask, and Ani laughs, but he’s not quite sure what it is you’re talking about. He leans a little closer, hoping that you wouldn’t pick up on his presence so close by. “What else did he try to teach you, besides the staff?” Ani doesn’t answer right away, and Ren can feel his heart starting to pound in his chest again at the thought of Ani revealing all of the things he had said about you. It was only natural that Ani wanted to hear what his mother had been like back on the Starkiller Base, back when they had first met, to get his father’s side of the story. It was a story that he had never dared tell anyone else, and he found his lips loosening as he confessed to far more than he would have liked. Granted, this was his _son_ , but he was still embarrassed at how much he knew Ani could pick up on his own turbulent emotions from recalling the incident as to how he, the great Kylo Ren, could possibly fall in love with someone to the point where they had become his whole purpose. Maybe you would return to him faster if he confessed how strong his feelings were, but perhaps they would only serve to frighten you away, and he didn’t want to take that risk.

               “Did he mention the light side, or the dark side, maybe?”

               “The dark side,” Ani replies after a brief pause, and Ren could feel his heart drop in his chest. He had never told Ani anything _about_ the dark side. Of course he had mentioned it when he was referring to his own foils, but he had never attempted, and would never attempt to teach his son anything in the ways of the dark side.

               “Yes, what about it?” you ask quietly. “What did he tell you about the dark side, Ani?”

               “It’s like _stones_ ,” Ani replies, and Ren frowns as he listens intently. “The dark side is like a stone, like if you throw it in water and it sinks, and then you can’t get back up.” Ren hesitated for a moment, staring intently at the spot of floor by his feet. He had never said anything like that to Ani, not once. In truth, it didn’t even sound like something that he would say. You seem to have a hard time believing it too, as it’s silent for a moment before you speak again.

               “What about the light side?” you ask cautiously. “Did he tell you anything about that?”

               “Balance,” Ani says decisively. “You got to keep a balance. No one can be all good, all the time. Except you.”

               “Me?” you echo, the surprise evident in your voice. “You know I’m not _good_ , especially not all the time.”

               “He thinks you are,” Ani responds curtly, and Ren knows he has to intervene quickly before his son says anymore. “He says I should try to be more like you. You’re brave, and strong, and uncomp, uncomp, uncomp-”

               “Uncompromising?” Ren asks as he steps into the doorway, and you spin around so fast that you almost fall over. You dip your eyes as you glance down, clearly embarrassed to be caught asking your son for information instead of going to him directly. He would have told you the truth, if you had even bothered to ask, but he had a feeling that you were so determined to think less of him that the thought hadn’t even crossed your mind.

               “Why don’t you get ready, Ani?” you ask as you quickly stand up, brushing your hair behind your ears as you make your way past him and back towards the bedroom. Ren’s eyes drift over to Ani, but only for a brief moment before he turns and heads into the bedroom after you. He had no idea if his son had said what he did to try to benefit him, but where had he heard that analogy of the dark side? It certainly hadn’t come from him, and astute as it was, he knew that it wasn’t something his son had thought of himself.

               Still, that would have to wait as he headed back into the bedroom and walked over to the balcony, where you were standing, looking out at the vast landscape that lay beyond. He wasn’t sure what you were hoping to hear by talking to Ani, but whatever it was, you weren’t quite sure how to feel about it. Whatever the case, you weren’t angry, or upset, and he took this rare moment to try to use it to his advantage.

               “So am I still in trouble?” he asks, but you just shake your head, as if you’re distracted by something.

               “Maybe,” you reply, and he dares himself to reach out and run his fingertips down the length of your arms. You shudder slightly as you shiver, crossing your arms over your chest as if you were visibly affected by just his touch alone. “I forgot about that,” you say suddenly. “I forgot that you trained me to use the Force. I don’t know, somewhere along the line I felt like it was something I had always been able to do, something I had just taught myself-”

               As hurt as he was that you didn’t remember what he often recalled as his fondest moments with you, Ren tried to look past it. “You did teach yourself,” he insists. “I just helped teach you control, that’s all.”

               You pull away from his touch slightly as you turn around to face him. “And what about the thing I do with my face when I focus?” you ask. “What about that? Why did you tell Ani about that?”

               It takes him a moment before he realizes what you’re talking about, but you’re doing it now, your thin skin between your eyes scrunched up in frustration. “Because he does it too,” he says simply. “Like mother, like son. I see quite a lot of you in him.”

               You look surprised for a moment before you just shake your head and look away. “Well, maybe if you were around more he could have picked up on some of your positive qualities.”

               “Oh?” Ren ventures. “And what might those be?”

               “You’re persistent,” you offer, and Ren can’t help but manage a small laugh as he looks away. To tell the truth, he was almost dumbfounded that you would admit that he had any positive qualities at all. Was he persistent? He wasn’t quite sure if that was what he could even call it. All he knew was that he wanted to wrap his arms around you, to pull you into his chest and feel your heartbeat against his own. He didn’t even need to kiss you, all he wanted to do was feel you, to touch you without fearing that you might pull away.

               But right now, he didn’t think you would. He wouldn’t meet your eyes directly, but he could tell that you were looking at him with an expression that he hadn’t seen you wear since you spent your days with him on the Starkiller Base. You were looking at him as though he was someone who could be admired, but he didn’t see how that was possible now, now that he had this accursed scar across his face and you could no longer claim ignorance of the terrible things he had done. You said you had forgiven him back on D’Qar, but maybe those words had simply been said for his benefit. Maybe you weren’t quite sure yourself. He just wasn’t sure anymore, and he hated how he could feel you so close to him and yet still be so distant from you.

               Suddenly your fingers twitch and he can feel you intertwine your small fingers with his as he takes your hand and holds it, the cool skin of your palms pressing against his. You were cold, and he wanted to do nothing more than wrap his arms around you, but he was not going to make the first move and watch you pull away. He could take this as slow as you wanted to take this, but he was not going to be the one to initiate anything only for you to turn around and blame him for later. You had already made it quite clear when he had brought you to the lake that you weren’t going to forgive him so easily, and it looked like you meant it.

               Suddenly, you turn to him as you tilt your chin up to his, and he can’t help himself. He reaches out and tucks a strand behind your ear as you move your lips up to reach his. For a moment he can’t honestly believe that this was happening, that you were standing there holding his hand in the brisk air of the Naboo morning while you kissed him of your own volition. He kissed you back softly, gently, making sure not to press you into anything that might cause you to pull away. He can feel you squeezing his hand almost uncomfortably now as hot pangs of desire shot through you, but it was more than clear that you were resisting them, resisting him. You wanted him, at least he could find some small sense in relief in that, but it was difficult when he could sense that all of your thoughts were focused on the atrocities that he had committed, as if they impeded the bond that existed between you.

               “You are so determined to think less of me,” he says quietly as he pulls away. He hates that he has to be the first one to do it, but he can’t stand to stand there and kiss you while your mind is running through a tired list of why you shouldn’t.

               “You brought it on yourself,” you practically snap at him as you look away, but there’s something else beyond that, a sense of disappointment that you were unable to shake. You were disappointed in him for having done so much wrong when he simply could have turned back and come back for you and for Ani, but he hadn’t. He had apologized for that countless times, but it seemed it was something that you may seriously be unable to forgive him for, as painful as the notion was.

               As much as he honestly would have wished to, there was absolutely nothing that he could do to change the past. Instead, he would just have to do as much good in the present that he could possibly do and hope that you noticed a change, hope that you cared enough to see how much he was actively trying to make amends. He leans forward and places a soft kiss gently on your forehead before he pulls away completely, heading back inside. “You should get dressed,” he tells you, although his voice is heavy and weary. “If you’re coming with us, you should-”

               “Wait.” He turns as you stride towards him quickly, and he almost doesn’t have time to register the motion as you plant your hands on either side of your face as you kiss him fervently. It felt like it had been so long since you had last kissed him this way, and he can’t help but breathe into you as he savored the connection of your soft lips against his. He kisses you back just as fervently, channeling as much as he could into the kiss to show you that he meant this, that he wanted this more than anything-

               And that’s when your fingers slip up to his temple, and he barely has time to recognize what you’re doing before he can feel the familiar push against him. He’s caught so off guard by the action that at first he doesn’t even try to defend himself. He can see flashes of Ani sitting in the grass in front of him, laughing, and he knows that you can feel what he’s feeling. The relief that maybe he hadn’t screwed this up beyond all comprehension. The muted sense of happiness that at least his son still accepted him as his father, even if you wouldn’t accept him at all. Ani still wanted him, still needed him, and he was determined to do right by his son, if no one else. He at least deserved that much.

               He grabs you by the wrist suddenly as he steps away and lowers your hands, trying not to let you see how embarrassed he was that you had seen that. It had been a private moment between just him and his son, and if he was being honest with himself, he didn’t want you to taint it. His feelings had been authentic, and he didn’t want your determination to hate him to try to adulterate such a pure memory by suggesting that he was only making Ani happy to try to get to you. Maybe a part of that was true, maybe he truly was that selfish, but he couldn’t bear to hear you say it, knowing that those words would haunt him throughout the rest of the day and most assuredly find their way into his nightmares.

               “Have a good time today,” you say quietly as you step away from him, and he can tell that you’re almost a bit reserved now, although he can’t understand why.

               “You’re not coming?” he asks, but you just shake your head from side to side.

               “No, it’s okay,” you reply after a few moments. “You should have some alone time with him. It’s okay.”

               Maybe you understood, then. Maybe you understood how important it was for him to be a good father to Ani, how important it was for him to try to make up for the years and years that he had left you alone. Without even thinking, he steps forward to kiss you, his heart throbbing in his chest as he presses his lips eagerly against yours. Still, you make no move to kiss him back, and he quickly pulls away just as quickly as he had kissed you. “Sorry.”

               “Don’t be.” The response is automatic, and he doesn’t know what to say. Neither do you, apparently, and he can sense your weakness now. He could push, if he really wanted to, he could get you to drop your guard and kiss him back, but such an action would surely only be temporary. You would rebel against him, just as you had at the lake, and blame him for initiating once again. No, you were weakening, but he had to be patient and wait for you to come of your own accord.

               He says nothing as he turns and leaves you to your thoughts, quietly shutting the door behind him before he goes to collect Ani to begin their Force training for the day. Ani is sitting on the floor of his room, fully dressed, spinning his staff around and around in his hands quite like you used to do. His son had forgiven him, and hopefully if you truly were anything alike, you would forgive him swiftly as well.

               “Where’s Mom?” Ani asks as he leans over to glance into the hallway behind his father. “Isn’t she coming with us?”

               “Not today,” Ren says quietly, visibly frowning as he sees the look of disappointment cross his son’s face. “But she will soon.”

               “I think she wants to come,” Ani says softly. “But I think she’s just afraid to get close. I think she’s afraid you want to go away again, so she wants to run before you can hurt us again.”

               “Hey,” Ren says softly as he drops to one knee, running a large hand through his son’s hair. “I am never leaving you again, all right? You’re right. Your mom needs some time to think things through, but she’ll come back to us. She just needs some time.”

               “You promise?” Ani asks miserably, and Ren just chuckles as he shakes his head.

               “You know how your mother feels about those,” he replies. “Now come on, we need to start your training so you can become stronger. She’ll have to come out and join us if she sees that you’ve become more powerful than me.”

               “More powerful than you?” Ani asks childishly as he shakes his head from side to side. “That’s not possible. You can do _anything_.”

               Ren can feel the corner of his lip quirk up in an uneasy smile as he ushered his son along outside. Anything? Right now he felt as though he was barely hanging on, but maybe he was more powerful than he realized. Maybe he truly could do anything, and if that was true, it was only a matter of time before you returned to him again. That would be the true test of his character, and it was one, he knew, that he could not fail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So one my editors asked me about this, and yes, this is a pretty direct throwback to Glow when Anakin tells the Reader that the dark side is like stones. She had thought that Kylo had told that to Ani but had that ever been confirmed directly? ;) 
> 
> On a more pressing note, I think I'm only going to post one or two more chapters before I end it here. I haven't gotten any comments on the last few chapters, and not saying that I live for comments, but it's hard to write a story that no one is reading. But that's okay. It's been over a year now and everyone's looking forward to The Last Jedi, so I think I feel safe ending things soon. Reader will always have a special place in my heart and I'm always going to value her and the work that I've put into bringing her to life, but putting her book on the shelf will give me time to open new ones. I've been working on the Poe Dameron story for a long time now and I'm getting ready to post that soon, so I want to make sure I'm giving that story the attention it deserves, as that Reader is a bit different from this one. But thanks for those who have stuck with me this long, it really does mean the world to me. <3


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Glow in the Dawn  
> Perspective: You  
> Chapter: Early chapters, before Kylo and Reader make up completely  
> Characters: Reader, Kylo Ren, Captain Phasma

               He loved you so much sometimes it felt as though it were almost unthinkable, like he was going to explode from the inside out just from the sheer force of his affection.

               He didn’t know how much more he could take of this, he really didn’t. He loved you so much and while you were starting to come around to him, while you would gently kiss him and trade long, lingering glances with him across the dinner table that would result in immature blushes and silly grins, it wasn’t the same. You were more comfortable with his touches now, but you still slept alone while he watched your breath rise and fall from the far side of the room, wishing more than anything that he could take you in his arms and hold you again. He missed you so much that he fell asleep at night closing his eyes and trying to recall the feeling of you in his arms so vividly that it almost felt as though you were truly there.

               But you were right within his reach and yet he couldn’t touch you, not until you were ready. And who knew how long that was going to be? He should have been happy that you no longer hated him, but he couldn’t take the feeling of being so close to you and yet so distant, all at the same time. He would give absolutely anything to touch you again, to feel you wrap your legs between his at night as you cuddled closer into the crook of his arm, and the fact that he was starting to fantasize about _cuddling_ was embarrassing in a way that he refused to dwell on.

               One day, while you were out for a walk with Ani, he felt particularly frustrated although he couldn’t tell why. Maybe it was just because you weren’t there to soothe him or maybe it was because Ani wasn’t around, forcing him to check his behavior. No, now it was just him alone in the living room as he paced back and forth from there to the kitchen and back again, gritting his teeth as he stormed about restlessly like he had once back on the Starkiller Base. Honestly, he wanted to take his fist and push it through the drywall. He wanted to smash something, anything, just to listen to the sound of it shatter as he watched it crumble into a million tiny shards. He walked over to a small table beside one of the couches as he picked up an ornate lamp, fully intent on hurling it as hard as he could at the opposing wall before he heard someone cough loudly from behind him.

               “You’re not going to break one of my favorite lamps, now are you, Ren?” He can hear the humor in Phasma’s voice, and while he wants to chide her for taking that familiar tone with him, he just says nothing as he turns it in both hands before setting it back down into place. “I haven’t seen you this upset for a while. I thought she was coming around.”

               “She is.” Why was he even discussing this with her? While he knew he could ask for her assistance in helping make sure that you stayed, he didn’t feel comfortable stooping that low, and he was worried that it might have the opposite effect than he intended.

               “I don’t think you need to worry,” Phasma offers, and Ren turns around to see her leaning against the wall with her arms crossed over her chest.

               “Oh no?” he asks dryly. “And why not? Has she informed _you_ of her intentions?”

               Phasma considers this for a moment before she grins. “No,” she admits at length. “But I think if you set a ship in front of her now and told her she could go, she would take her son and get halfway to D’Qar before she turned around and came back to you.”

               “Really?” Ren asks, feigning disinterest mostly to disguise the fact that his heart had shook in his chest with merely the thought of giving you that option. “And why would she come back?”

               “Out of obligation,” Phasma replies simply. “She feels bound to you, she-”

               “She’s strong enough to overcome the pull of the Force bond,” he says dismissively as he shrugs his shoulders. He didn’t want to consider the implications that you were seemingly able to overcome it so easily while he struggled so much, and he quickly tried to push it out of his mind.

               “Not the Force,” Phasma says dismissively. “She sees how you are with the child. I can see it too. You’re a good father, Ren, much better than I would have given you credit for.”

               Now it’s Ren’s turn to be dismissive as he simply snorts and shakes his head. “Perhaps,” he says at length. “But it may not be enough.”

               “It’s enough,” Phasma encourages, but Ren just lets out a small laugh as he looks away again. “It is, Ren. She can see who you are. She can see that you’re a good person.”

               “I’m not,” Ren snaps as he suddenly whirls around to face her. “Do not say that to me. _Never_ say that to me. I am not a good person, I-” He forces his shoulders to stop seething as he stands up straight. “You, more than anyone, have seen the things I’ve done-”

               Phasma laughs, and it’s such a rich laugh that he’s momentarily startled out of his anger. “Because we were at war, Ren,” she tells him, as if this was something he didn’t know. “Everyone has to make tough decisions, and we did the best we could to benefit our side. Our actions in war do not necessarily reflect us, personally.”

               “Don’t they?” Ren asks, considering how he had already headed down a dark path before he had even joined in with the First Order when he had murdered all the students at Luke’s Academy in cold blood.

               “They don’t have to,” Phasma corrects herself. “We are not the same people we become in the midst of battle. Everyone is separated from it, to some extent. Personally I’ve never seen Hux be anything _but_ in high command, but you? You’re separated from it by a wide margin. Despite your vows, you would not die for the First Order, not while you still have a family to protect.”

               “I have conflicting vows,” Ren says after a brief silence had settled between them. “I know my oath to the Order, but I also owe my allegiance to a much greater power.”

               “To the Force,” Phasma responds, in a way that it’s neither a statement nor a question. She pauses for a moment as a troubled look passes over her features. “Do those casualties truly weigh so heavily on your mind?”

               “They do.” The words slipped out without him really being aware of them, and his fingers tremble for a moment as he captures the startled look that crosses Phasma’s face. “It’s because of _her_ , because of the Force bond. She feels their pain, for people she’s never even met, and I feel it as a result.”

               “I can’t imagine how frustrating that must be for you,” Phasma replies in the most sarcastic voice she can muster, and Ren can’t help but roll his eyes in frustration. “If your connection to her is such a burden to you, couldn’t you just-?”

               “No,” Ren says immediately. “No, once activated there is no way to destroy it. If there was, don’t you think I would have done it by now?”

               “No,” Phasma says simply, and Ren can’t help but look away as he mutters something under his breath. “I don’t see why you think it’s such a crime to care for her. She dotes on you, you know she does.”

               “Maybe,” Ren replies, but he’s distracted now. He knew that you still had feelings for him, that you still cared, simply because that was in your nature, but beyond that, could you ever feel for him as strongly as you did back on the Starkiller Base? He didn’t know, and quite honestly, wasn’t sure he wanted to. He didn’t want to live in this state of idle flirtations forever, but would it be better to hear you shut him down completely again? You said you wanted to stay with him now, but he knew that all he had to do was make one mistake and suddenly you might say you wanted to leave again. He wasn’t quite sure he knew how to deal with that.

               “Hey.” He whirls around suddenly to see you standing behind him, and he quickly swallows the lump that had since risen his throat.

               “Are my ears burning?” you ask as you glance between him and Phasma. “Because I could have sworn somebody was just talking about me.”

               “No,” Ren says quickly, much too quickly. He glances down at his son even to see him raise an eyebrow, calling his bluff.

               “Come, Ani,” Phasma sighs as she heads over to the basement. “Let’s try some more target practice, shall we?”

               Ani cheers as he runs along to follow her, and although you make a quick move to try to grab Ani’s arm, you stop yourself as you shake your head, seemingly deciding better of it. “He’s not going to get hurt,” Ren says softly, watching as you slowly bring your eyes up to meet his.

               “Yeah, I know,” you admit. “But I don’t know…” Your voice trails off as you shake your head from side to side. “No, nevermind.”

               “What?” Ren asks firmly as he steps forward. “No, tell me, what is it? What’s wrong?” You hesitate for a moment as you glance away, but Ren isn’t backing down from this. “Please be honest with me. If there’s something I can do, anything, to make this better, I want to do it. I want to try.”

               “I know,” you say quickly, but there’s something else in your voice, some note of reservation. “I know, Kylo, I know, but there’s nothing you can do, not about this. I know Ani _should_ be trained with a blaster, for his own protection, but I don’t know. He’s still just a child. It just seems too young.”

               “I understand you’re concerned,” Ren says as patiently as he can muster. “But as you said, it’s for his own protection.”

               “I just wish we didn’t need it,” you say hotly, and he can tell by the flare of indignation in your chest that he was going to get the truth. “I don’t want Ani to be raised like this, under the tutelage of the First Order. I didn’t want him to be raised at the Resistance feeling like he owed them, that was bad enough, but I don’t want him thinking that he owes the First Order _anything_.”

               “And he doesn’t,” Ren assures you. He wants to step forward and touch you, but right now he can’t risk you pulling away. “All he knows is us and Phasma. He knows nothing of the First Order or what it represents. He’s too young yet. He’ll learn in time, but right now he’s shielded from the politics of the galaxy, and that’s something he doesn’t need to learn for many years to come.”

               “Maybe,” you reply, pursing your lips as you shake your head from side to side, but he gets the impression that you don’t want to talk about this anymore as you turn back to him, quickly changing the topic. “So what was that about, exactly?” you ask as you cross your arms over your chest. “You forget, I can feel you. You were talking about me.”

               “Talking of days past,” Ren responds with an idle shrug of his shoulders. In all fairness, it wasn’t exactly far from the truth. “Just reminiscing about what life was like back on the Starkiller Base, that’s all.”

               “Oh.” You glance away as a guilty expression crosses your features, and he says nothing as you stand in silence for a few moments before you turn and retreat upstairs to the bedroom. He knows he shouldn’t follow you, knows he should give you your space to think things through, but he can’t right now. Barely thinking, his feet moved him through the kitchen and then up the stairs to follow you into the bedroom. You’re out on the balcony again, the wind blowing loose tendrils of hair away from your face, and he leans against the doorway at the edge of the balcony as he watches you, making sure to still give you the space you needed.

               “Do you think you’ll ever feel the same as you did then?” Ren asks quietly. He didn’t want to be so blunt, or maybe he did. Maybe that was the only way he was going to get an honest answer out of you, and if that was the approach that he had to take in order to get it, then so be it.

               You turn back to him, clearly troubled, crossing your arms over your chest as you square your shoulders to face him. “Why do you have to do that? You know this is hard for me.”

               “I know,” Ren says quickly, although his voice is less apologetic than he would have liked. “I know, I just-” He doesn’t have a good way of finishing that sentence, and you seem to sense this.

               “Look,” you say quickly as you take a few steps towards him, and his heart starts to beat just a little bit faster as you approach. “I love you, you know that, and on some level, I’ve come to terms with that. I know you want things to immediately go back to the way things were before and I want that too, but I need more time. Like, for the longest time I just wanted you to be here with me and now, I don’t know, now that you’re here it almost feels wrong.”

               “It’s not wrong,” Ren says quickly, and now he can’t help but reach forward and draw you into his embrace. He’s almost pleased to see you melt into him, wrapping your arms around his waist as you lean your head into his shoulder.

               “I know,” you whisper, so quietly he could almost barely be sure that he heard you. “I know that, and I really appreciate how patient you’re being with me, I do. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this patient before, it’s almost kind of scary, actually.”

               “I don’t mean to scare you,” Ren says quickly as he pulls you away to hold you at arm’s length, hands squared on your shoulders.

               “I know you don’t,” you admit quickly as you shake your head. “Scary is the wrong word. Dumbfounded, maybe? Impressed, I guess? You just seem like such a different person than when we met on the Starkiller Base, so different from when we were together on the _Resolute_ , and I guess I’m just trying to piece that together. Who you were. Who you are now. Who you could be.”

               At first Ren wants to argue that he hasn’t changed, although it’s clear to even him that he has and there’s not much he can say against it. “I’m still angry,” he admits quietly. “There’s times when I still feel reckless and out of control. That hasn’t changed, but I’m trying to control it. I don’t want to scare you, and I don’t want to scare Ani. I have lost _everything_ but you and our son, and I can’t risk losing that too. No matter what I have to do, I’m not going to lose you again.”

               “I know,” you say quietly as a smile quirks up to the corners of your lips. “I can see you trying, Kylo, and sometimes I don’t think I can tell you how much that means to me. I know you know this is hard for me and I appreciate you trying to keep your distance. I’ll be ready soon, I think, but I’m not yet. Can you be patient for just a little longer? Please?”

               Ren dips his head down to kiss you, his hands finding either side of your face as he guides your cheeks up to meet his. You kiss him back without reserve, melting into him as you wrap your arms around his neck, smiling gently as you pull away, bumping your nose with his. “You know, that doesn’t really answer my question,” you point out, but he makes no attempt to answer, and you make no attempt to stop him as he reaches forward to kiss you again.

               Maybe he had changed, but that didn’t matter. You had changed too, and as much as he hated to admit it, you were right. He needed to be patient, and as much as he didn’t want to, he needed to accept the fact that you had changed and that it was possible that you both would no longer fit together as well as you did back on the Starkiller Base.

The Force bond was still there, still pulling you both towards each other, but Ren had to admit that he still needed time to figure out what about you had changed. Your likes, your dislikes, your patterns and habits? How had they changed in the years that he had been away?

               He didn’t know right that second, but he was ready to spend the rest of his life trying to figure out just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I said it before, but I don't mind saying it again that I think the first ten chapters of Glow are probably my favorite of the whole series...the will they/won't they back and forth thing is seriously something I live for in fanfics, and I am only moderately ashamed to admit it. Next week, a bit of a jump back to Candle because there is a scene that someone begged me to write and even though it's totally not my area of expertise, I couldn't bring myself to say no. I guess you'll see next week...until then, cheers!!
> 
> PS: Guess who was writing from Ani's POV this week? ;)


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Candle in the Night  
> Perspective: Ladson  
> Chapter: Before the last chapter of Candle  
> Characters: Reader, Poe Dameron, Ladson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got something out from Ladson's perspective. Can't believe it took me so long to do, but here we go!

               “No, like this.”

               “Like this?”

               “No, that’s what you _were_ doing. You need to do it exactly like this.”

               “I _am_ doing it exactly like that.”

               “No, you’re not.”

               Silence for a moment.

               “See, I am-”

               “No, you’re not.”

               “How am I not?”

               “Well, for one, you’re supposed to step _next_ to my foot, not _on_ it.”

               Poe laughs and offers you a pleasant smile as you let out a sigh of exasperation, pulling away from him as you brush your hair out of your face with both hands. “This is stupid,” you tell him. “Honestly, this is the stupidest thing ever. I can’t believe I’m wasting my time doing this.”

               “If you really don’t want to do this, I can always take someone else,” Poe offers, but you just scowl as you cross your arms over your chest. “See, that’s what I thought.”

               “I’m not jealous,” you snap, even though no one had accused you of anything. Still, Ladson makes some sort of snort from his familiar spot on the living room couch as you whirl around to face him. “What? Is something funny to you?”

               “Just how bad you are at this,” Ladson replies as he waves his hand absent-mindedly into the air in front of him, and you purse your lips shut as you let out a muffled cry of frustration. He can see Poe still glancing at you fondly, but he honestly couldn’t see how. You had started to get irritable again, quickly, much like you had on the Starkiller Base. You had at least been able to control it somewhat then, but now it seemed you were completely susceptible to his violent swings of mood. At least, that’s what he hoped this was. You were always different when you were around Ren, and now that he was on base, it seemed that you were having a much harder time keeping him out than you had before.

               Still, he couldn’t help but consider that maybe guilt had something to do with it. Here you were, living it up with Poe, while Ren was about to go off and die because of what you did. Ani was off visiting with his father while you were off learning how to dance with Poe for some stupid New Republic benefactor reception to celebrate the capture of Kylo Ren and the perceived alliance between the Resistance and the New Republic. Asher had already told him that the whole thing was a farce, just a reason for the New Republic to still seem in charge and to throw their money around, and Ladson couldn’t help but agree with him.

               Although, to tell the complete truth, he didn’t think you fit in here. At all. You were so much more yourself on the Starkiller Base than you ever were here. You weren’t comfortable in social situations and he doubted that that was going to change any time soon. You were desperate to please Poe, to try to make it seem like you belonged with the Resistance, and Ladson wouldn’t have been lying when he said that he almost wanted you to go home to Sadie. A part of him wanted to go back too, back to when life was simpler, and although it would suck to leave Asher behind, taking care of you was his priority. Ren had drilled that in him too much to have it be forgotten now, but more than that, you were his friend. No one else was looking out for you, and as much as you insisted you could take care of yourself, sometimes he didn’t think you realized what the hell you were doing until it was already too late.

               But did you pick that up from Ren or was that simply something you both had in common?

               He didn’t even know himself.

               “We can take a break if you want,” Poe offers in his seemingly infinite amount of patience, but you just shake your head as you try to steady yourself.

               “No, no, I want to do this,” you say quickly as you take his hand again. He puts his other hand on your waist while you secure your hand on his arm, and Ladson watches on in amusement and tries to control his snickering while Poe tries to instruct you how to move your feet. You’re almost standing there like a statue, refusing to let him move you, and while Ladson finds this funny, he can only imagine how Poe must truly be feeling beneath his calm exterior.

               “It’s just to the side, and back, to the side, and front,” Poe instructs, and while you follow his movements as you should, the whole thing just looks awkward and gawky, as if you honestly wished you could be doing anything but. Ladson knew that you liked Poe, heck, he had pretty much pushed you into it as a means of getting over Ren, but he had expected you to fuck him and then go on your way. He didn’t really expect that it would involve into anything more than an idle flirtation. He knew how focused you were on Ren, and he was hoping that once you realized there were other guys in the galaxy, you would drop them both and just move on. Poe wasn’t bad, he didn’t mind Poe, but he wasn’t right for you, and considering how well he knew you, he bet that he was probably the only one who could see it.

               “That’s what I’m doing,” you reply testily, and he can already tell by the slight whine in your voice that you’re close to your breaking point. He had never known you to be impatient until you had met Ren, but whenever he was nearby, it suddenly seemed as though even simple tasks took much too long for your liking. “Ugh, I suck at everything.”

               “You haven’t tried everything,” Ladson points out. “There’s probably some stuff that you might think you’re good at before you, well, fail miserably.”

               “You’re trying,” Poe says encouragingly. “And that’s what counts. This isn’t easy. It takes some getting used to.”

               “Yeah,” you reply with a shrug of your shoulders, but it’s pretty clear, at least to Ladson, that you don’t really care about any of this, not that he really blamed you. If Asher had invited him to go, he doubted that he would have attended this function either, and it wasn’t just because interpreters had been trained to be neutral. There was something that felt distinctly wrong about the New Republic, although while you felt it too, he tried to tell himself that it was just a part of the brainwashing from the First Order, nothing more, nothing less. Of course they would want to disparage the New Republic in any way they could, and he knew it would take a while before he could separate the First Order’s propaganda from his own thoughts again. It was something that would take the rest of his life but-

               “This is stupid.”

               Ladson snaps out of his thoughts to see you pulling away from Poe, and this time, Poe does nothing to conceal his disappointment. “I’m sorry,” you continue as you hold up your hands. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m feet-backwards, or something. I’m uncoordinated and this just…no, sorry, this isn’t going to work.”

               “It’s okay,” Poe says gently, but Ladson can tell his gentle tone is only aggravating you more.

               “Can’t be good at everything,” Ladson chirps up, offering you a grin as you whirl around to face him.

               “Like you’d be any better at this,” you snort as you cross your arms over your chest and glance away, but Poe seems to consider this.

               “He might be,” Poe offers, and you and Ladson both turn to face him with interest. “I just mean, you two have sparred together for years. You’re a lot more in sync with each other’s movements. It might be easier for you to work with him.”

               “No, I don’t think-”

               “Sure.” Ladson gets to his feet, and you just turn to cast him a dirty look. For some reason, Ladson suddenly got the distinct impression that maybe you were being so terrible to Poe intentionally. Maybe you just wanted him gone. If that was the case, was that because _you_ wanted him gone, or was it because Ren was antagonizing you through the Force bond? He knew you wouldn’t say anything about it, wouldn’t talk about it, at least not to him or Poe, but he knew that you had been spending more and more time in the Green Room, as if that was the only place on base where you could easily shut him off, either because of the power of the light side of the Force, or possibly even because you were still drawing power from Rey herself.

               “Do you even know how to dance?” you ask as you turn to face him, and Ladson just shrugs as he and Poe switch positions.

               “It doesn’t look that hard,” he replies. “And I think I might have done it once or twice. Besides, there has to be _something_ that I’m better at than you are.”

               This gets your attention immediately, and honestly, Ladson kind of loved how sometimes you would just allow yourself to be riled up so easily. “Okay fine,” you reply, and he’s pleased to see the corner of your lips pull back into a smirk. “Okay, fine, you’re on then. Let’s do this.”

               “If you say so.” Ladson holds out his hand and you take it quickly, and he can’t help but notice that you were still standing stiffly, as if you were getting ready for a fight, those tense few first seconds waiting for him to make his first move. “Okay, I see what the problem is.”

               “Problem?” you echo. “What problem?”

               “You’re going to need to trust me,” Ladson replies simply. “Do you trust me?”

               “You know I don’t-” you start to reply, but before you can even finish your sentence, Ladson grabs your shoulders in both hands and shoves you to the ground. You stumble backwards for a moment before you land on your butt, and Poe looks quickly between you before he goes over to help you up. Regardless, you just wave him away as you sit back on the floor, glaring up at him. “Was there a point to that?”

               “Actually, I think there was,” Ladson replies as he offers you a hand to help you up, and you stare at him dubiously for a moment before you grab it and let him pull you to your feet. “Let’s see if I’m right.”

               “You’re such an asshole,” you retort as you once again put your hand in his, adjusting your other hand on his bicep.

               “Only a small part of me is an asshole, you know that,” Ladson quips, and he’s honestly a little relieved to see you snort, trying to conceal the laugh that was pulling the corners of your lips upwards. He’s not quite sure if you know that you’re doing it, but he gently nudges you to the side and you slowly and robotically move your feet in time to his as he moves you in a neat little circle. “Hey, I think you’re doing it.”

               “Holy shit,” you whisper, laughing slightly at you look down at your feet. “How did you do that?”

               “Had to make you think you were getting ready to fight,” Ladson replies. “You always lock your muscles right before you’re about to spar. I keep telling you how bad that is.”

               “And Phasma’s told me like a hundred more times than you,” you reply as you roll your eyes. “It’s just something I do. I warm up during, not before.” You roll and drop your shoulders. “And as bad as that may be, I always somehow win, don’t I?”

               “Well at least we know it’s not due to your footwork,” Ladson replies, and you break away to hit his arm slightly before you fall back in rhythm. “How’s this looking, Poe?”

               “A lot smoother,” Poe says appreciatively, but Ladson can detect something else in his voice. A hint of jealousy, perhaps? Nah, Poe didn’t seem like the jealous type, but there was definitely something there. Maybe it was concern? That wouldn’t be surprising in the least, especially with Ren so close by. He could tell that it was affecting you, hell, everyone could tell it was affecting you, but no one wanted to approach you directly. Poe felt that it wasn’t his place, and while Ladson could agree with that, he wasn’t sure Rey’s method of just letting you deal with it on your own was going to be helpful for much longer. They didn’t know you like he did, but then again, this was totally out of his realm of expertise.

               He had been on the outs with Ani since he had told him that the Force ghosts that he had been seeing weren’t real, and he had never understood the Force bond that you had with Ren besides knowing that it controlled you in ways that he honestly wished it hadn’t, not that there was anything that he could really do about it, and it seemed that there wasn’t much that you could really do to control it either, unfortunately. Maybe Rey was right and you just needed time. After all, Ren wasn’t going to be on base for much longer anyway, and then they’d have to wait and see how much longer it took you to get back to normal, if you even could.

               “Hold, hold, hold,” you say suddenly as you pull away, doubling over as you cram your forehead into your open palm.

               “You okay?” Poe asks before Ladson can get the chance, but his voice is cautious, as if he’s seen this before.

               “Yeah, yeah,” you say quickly as you reach out for the edge of the couch, using it to stabilize you. “Yeah, sorry, can we cut this short? I need to ask Leia about something. She said she’d uh-” You just shake your head as you quickly stride past him and out the door, and Ladson hesitates for a moment before he turns back to Poe, waiting for the telltale slam of the door behind him before he begins speaking.

               “So that, uh, so that happens a lot?”

               “More than it should,” Poe sighs as he sits back into the sofa, and Ladson takes a seat in the chair across from him. “I don’t think I need to tell you what causes it.”

               “No,” Ladson says as he shakes his head. “No, but has _she_ told you what causes it?”

               “Of course not,” Poe replies, but he quirks up an eyebrow to show that you didn’t need to.

               “How are you coping with, uh, that?” Ladson asks as he sinks back into the chair, crossing his arms over his chest.

               “It’s, uh,” Poe wipes his lower lip with his thumb as he glances towards the door before he glances back at Ladson. “Things are good, and I know that’s surprising, but she’s really trying, I can see it. She’s making an effort to push past whatever bond she feels towards him, but there’s times when she just seems overwhelmed by it.”

               “Like just now?”

               “Like just now,” Poe confirms. “Though I want to take her and Ani out flying a bit more. He seems to really enjoy it and she seems a lot more like herself when she’s away from the base.”

               “Yeah,” Ladson says as he dips his head forward. “Yeah, it might be good to get her away from things, just for a little bit.”

               “Yeah, I’ve been thinking,” Poe adjusts himself on the chair as he leans forward a bit. “You think she’d want to go home for a little bit? I was thinking of surprising her by taking her and Ani back to visit Sadie for a little while. You’re invited too, if you wanted to come.”

               “I think she could use that,” Ladson admits as he dips his head forward in a small nod. “But I don’t think she’ll go. I don’t think she’ll want to leave Ren behind, not right now. It doesn’t matter what she says, and it doesn’t matter how she feels about him, or you, she’s not over him.”

               “Because of the Force bond,” Poe says as he leans back again. “Luke said that once he siphons off Ren’s powers, that’ll be it, the Force bond won’t exist anymore.”

               “Okay, I don’t know anything about the Force,” Ladson says as he leans forward, talking with his hands as he speaks. “But I do know her, more than anyone here, and there’s going to be major fallout from this.”

               “What do you mean?” Poe shakes his hand like he legitimately doesn’t understand, but at least he looks to be taking this seriously. At least there was some small comfort in that. “She was able to get over him before, even with the Force bond.”

               “Distance and time,” Ladson replies simply. “The worst thing you could have done was send her back there, and that’s probably true for both of them. This is her fault now, you do realize that, don’t you? If the New Republic kills him, and let’s be honest, they’re going to, she’s going to hold herself accountable for that.”

               “But it’s not her fault,” Poe says as he shakes his head from side to side. “I think on some level she knows that.”

               “And on another level, she doesn’t care,” Ladson replies firmly. “We don’t know how she’s going to be without the Force bond, because even she doesn’t know, but she’s not the only one I’m worried about.” He hesitates for a moment before he glances towards the door again. “I’m worried about Ani.”

               “Because of the whole talking at night thing?” Poe asks as he arches an eyebrow. “That getting any better?”

               “Not sure,” Ladson replies, shifting in his seat. “I’ve been spending more time with Asher to just sort of get away from it. Ani’s not really talking to me right now, and what’s worse is sometimes he sneaks out and I have no idea where he goes.”

               “To see Ren?” Poe asks, the alarm palpable on his face. “What if-?”

               “No, I don’t think he’d hurt his own son,” Ladson replies with a dismissive shake of his head. “He’s done some pretty awful things, but as far as she’s told me, he wouldn’t stop asking about Ani when she was there.” Poe makes a small noise in the back of his throat as he looks away, but Ladson isn’t about to let it go. “Okay, as much as I may hate to admit this, he’s not an _entirely_ hateful person, at least not when it comes to her. If he’s telling her that he wants to be a family again with her and Ani, I’d believe it.”

               “I know,” Poe replies as he glances back in Ladson’s direction. “That’s what worries me. She’s staying away from him, she actually asked me to forbid her from seeing him again, but I’m worried about Ani.” He shakes his head again. “He’s just a child and I wouldn’t put it past Ren to manipulate him into getting what he wants.”

               “Well, aside from her and Ani, I can’t think of much else he really wants right now,” Ladson offers as he bows his head in consideration. “Except for maybe, you know, escaping.”

               “Not going to happen,” Poe says as he shakes his head quickly, as if he didn’t even want to entertain the thought. “The Force lock Luke installed on the door is impenetrable, and there’s no way the First Order would be crazy enough to launch a full-frontal assault on D’Qar, it just wouldn’t happen.”

               “Maybe,” Ladson concedes. “But there’s nothing to say that there’s no one who would want to break him out from the _inside_.”

               Poe looks genuinely confused for a moment before he shakes his head quickly to the side. “No. No way. She would never do that.”

               “Hey, you’re the one who saw how crazy she got when we first came back,” Ladson points out, but Poe just shakes his head again.

               “Luke already explained that,” he says dismissively as he gestures vaguely with one hand. “She’s more in control of herself now. It’s not going to happen again.”

               “Well, let’s hope you’re right,” Ladson concludes. In truth, he honestly didn’t know what more there was left to say. When it came to Ren, you were totally and completely unpredictable, and he doubted that even Poe knew how he could help you. He wanted to try though, had to give him credit for that, but in the end he doubted that anything either he or Poe did would change how you felt about Ren. No, that was quite clearly in the realm of the Force, in the realm of something that he had no control over and clearly no knowledge about.

               Then again, he knew you. He was the only one besides Sadie who had been by your side the past few years while you remained devoted to wait for him. He was the only one to see you completely break down when you had to leave the Starkiller Base, as if your life was ending right then and there. You always wanted Ren to come back, and now that he was here, right in front of you? He honestly didn’t think that you would be able to turn him away again.

               He was open to being wrong, of course, but he just didn’t think he was. He didn’t know how you’d help Ren escape, but if he woke up one morning to suddenly learn that you and Ani had escaped with Ren, well, he wouldn’t say that he would find himself all that surprised. But what if he learned that Ren had taken you and Ani by force?

               Well, that was another matter entirely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend begged me to write this and I couldn't say no. Why not Kylo and Reader dancing? Well....I can't really picture that haha Kylo is the son of Han Solo, and I think it's pretty canon that Harrison Ford doesn't dance, so we'll just have to take what we're given. Poe can dance but Kylo can spar and use the Force, so that's a bit better in my book anyway. Next week we're jumping right back into Glow with Kylo and Phasma and Reader again...no spoilers, but it's fluffy. >.>


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Glow in the Dawn  
> Perspective: You  
> Chapter: Just hanging on Naboo  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader, Captain Phasma

               “Your skin is soft,” he whispers as his hands glide across your warm skin. You press your stomach into the bed as he moves his large hands up and down the length of your spine, unable to quell the purr that was forming in your throat.

               “You like this,” he notes as you involuntarily arch your hips into the bed, and you can’t help but grin as you turn your head to the side, resting your cheek against your folded arms.

               “Of course I like this,” you tell him softly. “I always like it when you touch me.” Kylo just lets out a small growl as he leans forward and nips at the soft skin of your shoulder blade, and you can’t help but giggle in response. “You know, you don’t have to do this.”

               “But I want to,” Kylo replies. “I want to make up for the times that I’ve been away, and as I once recall you saying, you like it when I touch you like this.”

               “I always like it when you touch me,” you reply as you settle back into your arms again. “But you being gentle is something that I’m still getting used to, I guess.”

               “Oh?” Kylo asks, although his voice sounds intrigued. “You think I’m incapable of such a thing?”

               “If you asked me years ago, I might have said yes,” you tease. “But now that I see you with Ani? I don’t know. You’re actually being a father to him, and I’m not going to lie, you’re a great father.”

               “I’m not a great father,” Kylo says, his voice soft. “I’m trying, but I’ve been gone for so long-”

               “But you’re trying,” you say quickly. This was a conversation that you had had with him all too often, and it wasn’t one that you were eager to have again. “I see it, Ani sees it, and we both love you. You’re doing all you can to make things right, and we’re not asking for any more from you.”

               “You should, though,” Kylo notes. “As much as I’m doing, it’s not nearly enough.”

               It hurt far too much to hear Kylo talk this way, and you were never going to be able to relax and let him touch you when you knew he was entertaining these doubts. Instead, you get up and turn over in one swift motion, wrapping your legs around his waist as you straddle him and slide into his lap, sitting forward as you wrap your arms around his shoulders. Kylo wraps both arms around your waist as he holds you a little tighter to him, gently brushing his lips along your jawline in a series of gentle kisses.

               “This is everything I missed from you when you were gone,” you tell him, reaching forward to kiss the corner of his mouth as he pulls away. “This is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted from you, and you’re giving it to me now. I can forgive you for that.”

               “But I can’t forgive myself,” Kylo says softly as he shakes his head. “Over time, you became something that I was denying myself, and I took pleasure in that. I thought it was making me stronger not to see you, to push you away, but I was wrong, and it’s you and Ani who had to suffer for my arrogance.”

               “You suffered too, Kylo,” you say gently as you kiss his cheek again, taking advantage of your closeness to nuzzle him with the tip of your nose. “And you’re still suffering now. This pain you feel, the guilt? You don’t need it to fuel you anymore. It won’t make you stronger. It’ll only make you unhappy, and I don’t want you to feel like that, ever, not with me and especially not with Ani.”

               “You could never make me unhappy,” Kylo says as he places a large hand on your face, cradling your cheek. “No matter what you do, there will never be a time that I could ever look at you any less than the way I’m looking at you now.”

               “Maybe,” you offer, leaning into his touch. “But let go of the guilt. Will you do that for me? You have us now, and we’re not going anywhere. You don’t need to feel guilty anymore. You’ve done enough.”

               “I can’t help it,” Kylo insists as he shakes his head. “You’re far too good for me. You’d give up everything for me if I asked you to, and I don’t deserve that kind of loyalty.”

               “You would do the same for me,” you offer as you brush back his hair. “Snoke asked you to kill me, remember? But you didn’t go through with it. You gave up everything that you worked for right then and there, all for me and Ani.”

               “It should never have come down to that,” Kylo says as he shakes his head. “I never should have put you in that position to begin with. I should have sent you away the moment you landed-”

               “But you couldn’t,” you reply softly. “You couldn’t do it because you still cared for me, because you could sense that staying with me was the right thing to do, and you didn’t want to let go of that, and I’m glad you didn’t. You sensed that I was your way out, the way to _this_ , and I know it wasn’t easy for you to make that decision so I won’t pretend it was, but I’m proud of you, Kylo, and I don’t say that nearly enough. You could have stayed blind and claimed that Snoke compelled you to do everything, but you didn’t. You’re taking ownership of your own choices, of your own actions, and attempting to make amends for them. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you.”

               “Only in regards to you and Ani,” Kylo reminds you. “The rest of them? I don’t care. I simply can’t bring myself to.”

               “I know,” you say softly, unable to help the bit of sadness that creeps into your voice. “I know.”

               “I’m never going to be the kind of good enough that you deserve,” Kylo continues. “You’re too good for me, too good for someone who has spent their life causing so much misfortune to others.”

               “Then maybe that’s why I need you,” you tell him, and you don’t take the time to explain what that means as you lean in and kiss him deeply, wrapping your arms around him as you hold him tightly to you. As much as a part of you hated to admit it, you did need him. You didn’t know quite when it had happened, but you didn’t feel right without him there, didn’t feel _whole_ , and that was something that you knew you were not going to be able to feel ever again if he happened to go away again. You had welcomed him back into your life now, and there was no place you’d rather have him.

               Kylo Ren felt the exact same way, and yet, as he drifted off to sleep that night, he awoke no more than a few short hours later, freeing himself from what proved to yet again be another nightmare. He had been having less and less of them as of late, with you there to soothe him, but he couldn’t deny that they always seemed to come back. Maybe they hadn’t gone away at all, and he had simply gotten better at forgetting them. Whatever the case, they were still there, plaguing his thoughts when he wished they wouldn’t.

               He couldn’t remember what this last one had been about, but it must have been a bad one, because he felt wide awake. Still, he felt fortunate that he hadn’t awoken you as well. No, you remained sound asleep beside him, one arm thrown over his chest, and he carefully moved your hand by your pillow as he pulled the blankets further up around you, stroking your hair back with one hand before he bent down to kiss your forehead.

               “I love you,” he whispers softly. “I love you more than anything in the galaxy. You mean everything to me.” He wasn’t quite sure why he had to get the words out, but they were there now, and he shook his head as he threw his legs out of bed and stood up. He pulled on a pair of slacks as he headed out into the hallway, heading down to Ani’s room to check up on him. He wasn’t sure where else he’d be, but he didn’t realize that this was probably a natural, fatherly instinct, to make sure his family was safe, to make sure they hadn’t slipped away while he was caught unaware.

               But no, Ani was still asleep inside his room, and Kylo stood in the middle of the hallway trying to figure out what to do next. He wanted to return to you, but he couldn’t sleep, and so he decided to make his way downstairs and explore the house, listening to the still beat of silence rattle against his eardrums. Still, as he got down to the kitchen, he could see that he wasn’t alone. Phasma was sitting there, an empty mug in one hand, her chin drooped lazily into the palm of her hand as if she had fallen asleep that way.

               “Ren.” Her back was to him, but apparently she was not asleep. “Couldn’t sleep?”

               “Bad dreams,” he admits, although he’s honestly a bit surprised by his own candor.

               “I can only imagine what of,” Phasma says dryly, and he arches an eyebrow as he moves to sit at the bar beside her.

               “What does that mean?” he asks, and Phasma adjusts her position to look at him.

               “Isn’t it obvious?” she asks. “Right now you’re suffering the fate of every man that eventually gets what he wants. Now that you have her here, you’re worried about keeping her here, making sure you don’t lose her.”

               “I’m not going to lose her,” Kylo declares vehemently, but Phasma only shrugs.

               “No, I suppose not,” she admits. “She does seem to like it here now, doesn’t she? I had a feeling that whatever went on with that pilot was just a passing fancy. Glad to see she’s here to stay.”

               “She is,” Ren confirms with a quick nod of his head. “Though I wasn’t expecting you to be as glad as you are about that.”

               “She’s a friend,” Phasma says, as if she’s settled into this way of thinking. “It’d do you well to remember that you weren’t the only one who missed her presence aboard the Starkiller. I became quite fond of having her around. She helped me clear up quite a lot of free time, so I could devote my time to other pursuits.” She shakes her head. “It was quite a relief to have her there, and then you sent her away.”

               “That was a mistake,” Kylo admits, and Phasma looks at him for a moment as if she’s surprised to hear him admit it, before she nods her head.

               “I can’t believe the effect she’s had on you,” she offers after a moment. Ren didn’t know when she had gotten quite so bold, and wasn’t sure if Phasma knew herself. “I’ve seen the way you are with your son. You should be quite proud of him.”

               “I should have been there sooner,” Kylo admits, running a hand through his long, dark hair.

               “Oh, when will you let that go?” Phasma asks as she glances over at him again. “I can’t imagine how many times she’s said she’s forgiven you for it. Let it go.”

               “I can’t,” Kylo says quietly, and to her credit, Phasma gives him a moment to gather his thoughts. “You weren’t there. Snoke ordered me to kill her, and I almost went through with it. I could have. If I did, she wouldn’t be here now. If I did, there’d be nothing left for me.”

               Phasma just nods, as if she had heard something about this, and Kylo waits for her to continue. “I heard,” she admits after a while. “Hux told me that Snoke was furious about what happened, how you turned your back on your training and all that he had done for you. Hux said that Snoke was going to make someone pay for what happened. I think he was afraid that it was going to be him.”

               “Well, he’s gone now,” Kylo says with a sigh. “Hux can rest easy.”

               “That man could never embrace the word,” Phasma counters, and Kylo lets out a snort of agreement. “Still, I don’t think you have any reason to worry. I’ve seen how devoted she is to you.”

               “Her loyalty does not concern me as much as the circumstances,” Kylo ventures a long pause, and Phasma lets his words sink in for a moment before she nods her head in agreement.

               “This is the best life you’re going to have together under the circumstances,” she tells him. “While I agree it’s not the best way to raise a child, others have gone through much worse. You know this.”

               Kylo wants to tell her that he wants to offer you something better, that you deserve better, but he can’t quite let the words come out. “How safe are we here?”

               “Safe as can be, for the moment,” Phasma replies with a cool shrug. “The Resistance has no idea we’re here. So far, no one’s come looking for us. They’re all off scouring the other side of the galaxy. They’ll never find us.” She pauses for a moment. “Unless, of course, she decides to send word to them. Then we’re all doomed.”

               “She would never,” Kylo replies firmly, unable to quell the rough edge to his voice. He knew Phasma was joking, but he couldn’t help himself, not when it came to you and the thought of you leaving him to go back to the Resistance.

               “Oh, relax,” Phasma says as she shakes her head. “Even if you do something to lose her favor, I don’t think she’s so cold as to let them take _my_ life.” Kylo simply lets out a snort of good humor as he shakes his head and asks a question he had scarcely ventured to let himself think.

“Do you think she would have let them take my life?” he asks quietly, his voice echoing in the silence of the kitchen. “If you hadn’t come, and they were ready to commit me to execution, do you think she would have intervened?”

               Phasma pauses for a moment, as if she’s honestly giving the matter some serious thought. “I think it would depend,” she says after a moment, and Kylo tilts his head to the side in consideration.

               “On?”

               “Your last appeal,” Phasma says evenly as she turns back to face him. “I think it would depend on what you said to her, and what Ani said as well.” She lets her shoulders rise and drop. “Maybe that’s not what you want to hear, but if it helps, I think she would have regretted it if she had just let you go.”

               “Comforting,” Kylo replies without any real emotion in his voice. “It’s hard to believe that she’s spent the past few months befriending those so intent on doing us harm.”

               “Agreed,” Phasma says as she dips her head forward. “But I’m sure she didn’t see it that way, and I don’t hold it against her. It was a difficult time for her, and she was doing the best she could under the circumstances, as would we all.”

               “I don’t hold it against her,” Kylo agrees as he shakes his head. “Whatever happened was my own fault for sending her away. I don’t think there will ever come a day when I don’t bear the burden of that decision.”

               “You need to stop dwelling on that,” Phasma tells him. “And not just because I’m telling you to. If you keep talking about it, you _are_ going to push her away. I’m sure she doesn’t want to spend every day for the rest of her life trying to feel less guilty about things that barely affect her. You’re together now, just let the past go and concentrate on what you do have.”

               “I’m trying,” Kylo tells her. “I-”

               _Kylo…_

Suddenly your voice drifts into the back of his mind, and he allows himself to be comforted by it, by being reminded just how close to him you truly were.

               … _I woke up and you aren’t here._

 _Go back to bed_ , he offers gently. _I’ll be there soon._

_But I can’t sleep without you._

A smile quirks at the corner of his lip as he glances upward, and Phasma follows his direction. “Are you talking to her now?” she asks, and Kylo nods his head and is about to say more before he feels something else.

               _Kylo,_ you tease, and just like that, he can feel you rubbing your fingers against your clit, teasing yourself with the sole intention of tormenting him. _Don’t make me start without you._

“I-” Kylo’s suddenly afraid he might actually be blushing. Phasma’s looking at him expectantly, but he just shakes his head, suddenly unsure of how to respond. “I…I should go. Back. Upstairs. She, uh, needs me.” His large frame stumbles getting off of the stool, and he practically races up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

               From her seat, Phasma just sighs as she shakes her head, sinking her chin into the palm of her hand again. If the First Order wasn’t the death of her, she was almost certain that Kylo Ren would be, and not in the way that she had first anticipated when she had first joined their ranks. Still, she couldn’t deny that she did feel a bit happy for him, and for you, and hell, even for his little kid, who was sweeter and more rational than he should be, considering just who his parents were.

               “Bloody hell, I think I’m going soft,” Phasma mutters as she sinks her face into her folded arms, and it’s not long until she drifts off to sleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last chapter that I had written out for quite a while, but I recently wrote a few from Ani's perspective, so you can expect that next week! Until then, cheers!! ^_^ 
> 
> Edit: Actually, scratch that. I HOPE I will post it next week, but given how it's Star Wars Celebration and I'm in Orlando, I don't know how my wifi is going to be and Friday itself is going to be a crazy day for me. I'm camping out at 8 PM Thursday night for the Last Jedi panel at 11 AM on Friday and then I have the Galactic Nights event from 7 PM to midnight, so I'm going to be gone all day. But if I don't post it then, I'll post it when I get back on like, Thursday of the week after, AKA whenever I get back!!


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Glow in the Dawn  
> Perspective: Ani  
> Chapter: 27-28ish  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Ani, Captain Phasma

               “Phasma, what do you think is happening to my mom?”

               “Well, that would be the question of the day, wouldn’t it?” Phasma pauses as she seems to take the time to think this over. They were standing in the middle of the blasting range, just the two of them, as it so often was. His father had been off on one mission or another, and his mother was so frequently gone with General Hux that it was starting to border on more than just peculiar.

               “Do you think dad did something?” Ani asks. He fires a shot that hits slightly off center from the middle of the target. “He says he hasn’t done anything, but I know how they can be sometimes. They have their own connection, and if there was something wrong between them, I’m not completely sure they’d tell me.”

               “You’re not wrong,” Phasma admits. “Although if it helps, I don’t think this is Ren’s doing. He seems just as distressed about this as we are.”

               “I mean, she’s spending all of her time with _Hux_ now.” Ani fires a bolt that misses its target by a wide margin. “Hux. After how he treated us back on Naboo-”

               “I think this is when Ren asked that I remind you to watch your anger.” Phasma tried to feign indifference, but Ani knew that Phasma was secretly nicer than he would ever be able to get her to admit to.

               “I just hate that I feel like I can’t do anything,” Ani admits glumly. “I want to talk to her about it but father warned me not to. He says it might just scare her away and he doesn’t want to take that risk.”

               “Ren won’t take any risks, as far as she’s concerned.” Phasma pauses for a moment. “Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing. When I first met your father, well, let’s just say he’s changed a great deal and your mother had a large role in that.”

               “I know.” Ani can’t keep the bitterness out of his voice. “I’ve heard stories. When I was a kid growing up on D’Qar, there were people that would come up to me and tell me about the terrible things that he had done like it was somehow my fault. I never told mom about them. I didn’t tell Ladson either. He would just tell her and then she would get upset that I didn’t tell her directly.”

               Phasma pauses for a moment, reading between the lines. “So who did you tell?”

               “Poe.” Ani lets out a small laugh as he steadies his blaster and fires off another shot. “I know it’s strange, given their history, but it was helpful to talk to him and BB-8 about stuff. I felt like he listened. He didn’t try to judge me or tell me what not to think. He never even told me what my dad did to him. I didn’t find that out until later.”

               “Well I wouldn’t mention that name in front of Ren if I were you,” Phasma says with a sigh. “I feel Ren’s judgement is still clouded over that whole…incident.”

               “I know.” Ani hesitates as he lowers his blaster. “Still, I want to see them all again. Don’t tell anyone, but it’s just a thought I have sometimes. They all knew me when I was just a little kid and it’s been so long since then. I wonder what they’re like now. I wonder if they’d still be as nice to me now that I’ve grown up or if they would think of me as an enemy now too.”

               “You haven’t done anything,” Phasma says dismissively. “Although for your sake, I would hope that you never see any of them again. If you did, the circumstances surrounding your meeting would probably be less auspicious than you’re hoping for.”

               “Yeah, I know, but I-” Ani stops speaking suddenly as he feels a familiar presence approaching. Phasma arches an eyebrow as she seemingly waits for him to continue, but her expression suddenly changes as she understands what’s happening.

               The door on the other side of the room slides open and Kylo Ren walks through, taking off his helmet as he strides forward. “Father, you’re back.” Ani tries to sound happy, but his words seem to fall flat when he catches a glimpse of his father’s expression.

               “How is she?” It’s the first words off Ren’s lips and Ani can’t help but look down and away, unable to bring himself to answer.

               Instead, it’s Phasma who speaks first. “I don’t think she even realized you were gone.”

               Ren sighs as he glances down and away, the disappointment palpable on his face. He looked as sad and dejected as Ani had ever seen him and he didn’t have to stop and ask why. As long as he had known his father, he had learned that he loved his mother unconditionally and would do anything, absolutely anything, if it meant making sure you stayed by his side. Now there was a chance that he was losing you, and Ani could tell that he feared it was his fault.

               Ani wants to comfort his father. Wants to lie and tell him that you did miss him, that you had asked about him, but knew that his father would see right through it. “It’s not her fault,” Ani protests instead. “Something’s wrong. Something’s happening to her. We just have to figure out what it is and talk to her about it.”

               Ren says nothing and it’s Phasma who speaks instead. “Possibly, but your mother can be as headstrong as your father sometimes. There’s no guarantee that she’ll listen.”

               “We don’t need a guarantee,” Ani argues. “We just need to try.”

               “No.” The words are off Ren’s lips almost before Ani can finish talking, and Ani quiets himself immediately. “No, let her be.”

               “She’s not doing this to spite you, Ren,” Phasma tells him.

               “She’s right,” Ani agrees. “She’s not acting like herself. You can see that. You know her better than anyone.”

               The look that crosses Ren’s face says all he needs to. He doubted her. He doubted himself. Ani wasn’t quite sure how to help with either.

               “Ren.” There’s a tug of urgency in Phasma’s voice. “Maybe it’s time we seriously considered, well, you know.”

               Ren’s eyebrows knot together as he seems to seriously consider this, but still does not speak.

               “You know what?” Ani asks, turning to face her. “What have you discussed? If there’s some way to help her, I want to know. That’s my _mom_. She would die for me and the fact that she seems to have forgotten that I even exist means that something’s seriously wrong. I want to help her.”

               “What did you tell me the last time we spoke?” Ren asks quietly, and Ani hesitates for a moment as he thinks back.

               “I had bad dreams,” he remembers. “There was something dark nearby. Something was reaching out for me, trying to grab me. I felt like I was being swallowed in something big and black but I couldn’t make out what it was exactly.” He pauses for a moment. “You said we’d talk about it later, but then you left. I thought you didn’t say anything because it was just a bad dream. Could it be something more? Like a vision of some kind?”

               “It might be,” Ren says softly. “I don’t sense anything, but I need you to tell me if you have more of these dreams or any more of these thoughts. If you are, it may no longer be safe for you to stay here.”

               “No longer safe?” Ani echoes. “Then what does that mean? Where would we go?”

               “I’m not sure,” Ren admits. “Away from here.” He meets his son’s gaze and holds it. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I won’t lose you too.”

               “You haven’t lost her yet, Ren,” Phasma reminds him. “If you asked, she would go with you.”

               “Wait, we can’t leave her behind.” The desperation in Ani’s voice is exactly what Ren dreaded to hear. “You wouldn’t do that.”

               “She can make her own decisions,” Ren says firmly, although Ani can feel a flicker of doubt and confusion coursing through him through the Force. “When the time comes, _if_ the time comes, we’ll let her make her own choices.”

               Ani pauses for a moment, trying to read him through the Force. “You don’t really think she would tell Hux if we were trying to leave-?”

               “I don’t know.” Ren doesn’t mean to snap at his son, but a part of him couldn’t help it. He hated to have his doubts so transparent that even Phasma could see them. Mostly, he hated that he was doubting you at all. You were always there for him in the past, and now you had become someone whom he barely recognized. This was exactly why he had sent you away from the Starkiller Base. _This_ was the person that he was always terrified that you would become. Snoke had once told him that certain paths were inevitable; he would _always_ cause you ruin no matter what he did.

               He wanted to deny it. He wanted to say that it was only Snoke trying to manipulate him yet again, only this time, he couldn’t deny what was right in front of him. You were changing. No, you _had_ changed. And it was his fault.

               “We’ll get her back, dad,” Ani offers as gently as he can. Ren nods his head in agreement, but deep down, he wasn’t so sure. Deep down, he couldn’t help but think that maybe it would be better if you had stayed at the Resistance. If Ani had stayed with the Resistance. If there truly was something dark lurking in the corners of the _Propitiate_ , maybe it would be better if you both left, especially when he wasn’t sure that he wasn’t the one who was causing it. He didn’t feel as though there was anything wrong, but perhaps he was poisoning everyone around him without even realizing he was doing so.

               “Resume your training.” He quickly slips his helmet back over his head and strides out the door as quickly as he can.

               Once the door has safely closed behind him, Phasma sighs as she turns back to Ani. “Don’t ever tell him I said this,” she warns. “But sometimes I almost feel sorry for him.”

               “Yeah,” Ani agrees as he casts a long, lingering look back towards the door. “Yeah, me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So kind of short but full of ouch, and it sort of sets up Kylo's frame of mind for the later half of the story when they had back to D'Qar and he wants her to stay there for her own safety. Along those lines, one of my favorite, and I think one of everyone's favorite, chapters was when Reader had her "Death-dream" where she had her whole epiphany. We saw hers...but what about Kylo's? Will Han Solo make an appearance? Or Anakin? I guess you'll just have to wait til next week to find out. ;) Until then, cheers!!


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Glow in the Dawn  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: After you die  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader, Anakin Skywalker, Han Solo, Poe Dameron

               There was nothing but darkness around him and your limp body lying just in front of him. He picked up your hand in his, idly rubbing the knuckles of your fingers with his thumb.

               You were cold. You were never cold. You were always full of life, always feeling something. You _felt_ more than anyone he had ever met, more than he had ever thought possible. Maybe that was why the Force was so strong in you.

               Something cuts in front of his field of vision. A flash. A fragment. A memory? A burst of pain.

               That was why the Force had been so strong in you.

               _“It seems that, in your anger, you killed her.”_

_“No-”_

               He’s not sure whose words he’s hearing now, but he can feel a familiar presence step up beside him. “You failed her.”

               Kylo flinches as he takes your hand and presses it between both of his. “I know.”

               He can feel the cool force of Anakin Skywalker’s presence directly behind him, his disapproving glare sinking into his shoulder and stabbing where the lightsaber had burned through his flesh. “You should never have taken her off D’Qar.”

               Kylo can feel his anger course through him, but only for a moment. He wants to whirl around to face him, to challenge him, but he keeps your hand in both of his and forces himself to remain steady. He wasn’t going to take his eyes off of you. He had lost you once, and he wasn’t going to risk you slipping away again.

               “But that’s the whole problem, isn’t it?” Anakin asks. “I warned you, Ren. That moment on D’Qar? That was a shatterpoint. It was up to her to decide to follow you, to free you from the captivity of the New Republic.”

               “I couldn’t let her risk that,” Kylo says softly, but Anakin calls him out on it immediately.

               “You didn’t trust her,” he replies simply. “You didn’t trust the Force or what was laid out in front of you. You set her down this course, Ren. You failed her.”

               “I know.” The words catch in his throat. He wasn’t crying, he wasn’t. He wouldn’t let himself, even if it meant he had to use the Force to quell the tears that were quickly forming in his eyes.

               He knew he had failed you. He knew he should have just left you on D’Qar. If he hadn’t taken you off D’Qar, you wouldn’t have lost your life. Ani wouldn’t have been in so much danger. He would never have lost you to the darkness, and to Snoke. Anakin had warned him that you had to stay on D’Qar, that you needed more training with Luke to find your balance, but he had been selfish and overconfident. He had insisted that there was nothing Luke could teach you that he couldn’t.

               And he had been wrong. He had failed you, and that was something that he wasn’t quite sure he knew how to deal with. He had already thought he had lost you once, and that had been one of the worst moments of his life. Now, though, it was clear that he truly had lost you, and that was a loss he didn’t think he could bear. How was he supposed to go on when-

               He can suddenly feel a hand on his shoulder. It’s familiar, comforting, though it shouldn’t be. “It’s all right, Ben.”

               “She’s gone.” He can feel the tears bleeding through his voice as he crouches down beside you, pressing your fingers into his forehead as he silently begs for you to wake up. “I killed her. I couldn’t let her go and I killed her.”

               There’s a snort of good humor from behind him. “You’re a Solo, kid. Chasing after headstrong women is what we do best.”

               “I don’t know what to do.” Kylo shakes his head from side to side frantically. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose her.”

               “You’re going to have to let her go, Ben.” The response is gentle, gentler than he deserved.

               “I can’t.” He had told his father the last time he saw him alive that he felt as though he was being torn apart. Right now, though, it felt as though his rib cage was literally separating from his chest. Before, he had been in doubt, but he never thought that he would ever be able to experience pain this strong, as if his body was literally pulling itself apart at the seams. “I can’t do this.”

               “Look around. I don’t think you have much of a choice.”

               Kylo pauses for a moment as he slowly lowers your hand back down before he gets to his feet. There was darkness on all sides of him, a darkness that seemed to stretch on forever and ever in either direction. Finally, with great chagrin, he turns to face his father.

               “Where is this?”

               “That was some hit you took.” Han again snorts with good humor. “Right in the shoulder?”

               “Am I dead?” The words burst out of him, too loud for even his own ears.

               Han Solo seems to contemplate this for a moment, teasing his lower lip with his thumb as he looks his son up and down. “No, no kid, you’re not dead,” he admits at last before raking in a sigh. “You’re going to wish you were, though.”

               “She’s gone though, isn’t she?”

               “But your son’s alive.” Han turns back to him, his eyes as bright and lively as ever. “Your son is alive.”

               “And Snoke?”

               “Gone.” There’s an undercurrent of happiness that threads through the syllables like a fine thread. “She destroyed him. With your weapon.”

               Kylo hesitates, not really sure how to feel. Proud, yes? But the anger, the hatred, at himself and at you and at Snoke, was almost too much to bear. Why had you not just left when he had asked you to? If you had, he would be dead and you would be back at the Resistance, back on D’Qar, back where you belonged.

               “If I had left her,” Kylo begins quietly. “If I had left her on D’Qar, do you think that she would have come for me?”

               “No way to know now.”

               It was a classic Han Solo response, and Kylo can’t help but grit his teeth in frustration. He didn’t want to sit in abeyance feeling guilty. He could feel the muscles quaking in his arms and knew he had to do _something_ , if he could only figure out _what_.

               “How long am I going to have to stay here for?”

               “Oh?” Han turns to him, mock humor written across his features. “You want to leave?”

               “I can help her.” Kylo clenches his fist in steadfast resolve. “I can. I know I can. I can bring her back.”

               “You can’t control everything, kid.”

               “I can,” Kylo screams at him. “I can. I can fix this. I can-”

               The look that Han gives him is pure sympathy, and it immediately silences the rage burning inside of him. “Look at all those years spent training with Luke. You’re telling me you didn’t learn anything from him? Not one thing?”

               “The Force is your ally, but you can’t bend it to your will.” Kylo shakes his head. “But I tried. I tried to manipulate everything. To take control. And I lost her. I lost everything.”

               “Not everything,” Han Solo looks up at him suddenly, as if a new revelation had suddenly taken root in his thoughts. “If you could go back, what would you change? What would you do differently?”

               “I wouldn’t force her,” Kylo shakes his head. “I’d let her stay on D’Qar, where she belongs. She’d be safe there. Luke would watch over her. He would teach her control, and balance. She would be safe there. Ani would be safe there.”

               “And what about you?” Han asks. “Is that what you want?”

               “No.” Kylo is crying earnestly now, the tears streaming down his cheeks in slick, wet rivulets. “No, I need her with me.”

               “If you let her go, do you think she’ll come back for you?”

               Kylo hesitates as he shakes his head. “I have no way of knowing.”

               Han’s face relaxes into a gentle smile. “There we go.”

               Something clicks in Kylo’s brain, and his vision goes black for a moment as new sensation overcomes him. It feels almost as though he’s trying to suck air into his lungs before he feels pain bursting through his shoulder as it radiates throughout his chest. He tries to fight through it, overcome it, as if it was a beast that he could force to submit to him.

               That’s when he opens his eyes.

               The Resistance base. He could sense it more than he could feel it. His mind felt almost separated from his body, but he supposed that might have been at least in part due to the residual effects of the bacta. He rolls onto his back and tries to sit upright when a voice from the other side of the room stops him in mid-motion.

               “I wouldn’t try to sit up.”

               He cranes his neck over to see the pilot sitting in a chair a few feet from the bed, his arms crossed over his chest as he leans back, trying to seem aloof although his eyes betray him. He was watching Ren as one would watch a wounded animal, and Ren couldn’t blame him in the slightest.

               “How is she?”

               Poe’s expression softens almost imperceptibly as he uncrosses his arms and leans forward. “A bit like you. Somewhere in between.”

               Ren lets out a sigh of relief. If you were still alive, Luke would be able to heal you. As long as they hadn’t lost you yet, they could bring you back. _He_ could bring you back, although he wasn’t sure how much he trusted himself to do so. He needed time to think about his conversation with his father, and he wasn’t going to be able to do that with the pilot in the room.

               “Why are you here? And unguarded? I could kill you.”

               “But you won’t.” Poe’s face looks troubled now. “Why do it? You could have killed me, or Ladson, taken the easy way out. But you didn’t.”

               “Don’t mistake the illusion of choice for actually being one,” Ren snaps. “Snoke needed me dead to get to her. You were just there to make things harder than they had to be.”

               “Because you took us prisoner,” Poe points out. “If you had left us on Tatooine, that never would have happened.”

               Ren pauses for a moment as he thinks back, letting his memories come back to him one at a time. You had been with the pilot. You thought he didn’t know. Thought you had been shielding yourself from him better. He knew you had been captured. He could have come and rescued you at any time. But he had waited to see if you would give in to the pilot, and you had. Was it his fault for not intervening sooner? He couldn’t fault you for it when he himself had left you in his custody, curious to see if you would succumb to your own doubts. You had, that hadn’t surprised him. The only thing that surprised him was that he hadn’t tried to stop you himself.

               Instead, he had entertained the notion of sending you and Ani back to D’Qar with them right then and there. You were clearly not yourself, and he doubted he would be able to help steer you back on course. You needed Luke, as much as you hated to admit it. You needed Luke, not him, but he couldn’t bring himself to send you away. He kept promising himself one more day, and then he would dismount the ship when you were sleeping and leave Ani strict instructions not to stop the ship until he got back to D’Qar.

               But he had been selfish. He couldn’t let you go. Especially not after you broke down in front of him and begged for him, begged to stay with him. Back when he had first brought you to Naboo, he would have traded his right hand to hear you pledge such loyalty to him. He kept his own pain from you as much as he could, but you were an open book. If he left, it would destroy you…

               …or maybe that’s only what he wanted to believe. He could no longer be sure.

               But Poe was waiting for an answer and Ren sees no reason now not to give him an honest one, especially if it was something that might help you later on. “I did it for her. I was planning on sending her and Ani back to D’Qar.”

               Poe’s face screws up in confusion. This was something he clearly had not expected to hear. “Why?”

               “You saw what was happening to her.” Ren shakes his head. “She wasn’t herself. She needed Luke, not me.”

               Poe looks stunned, as if he didn’t know what to say. He crosses one leg over the other before he uncrosses it and switches positions. “You know, Ren, for the longest time, I hated you. I believed you were holding her against her will, abusing her, manipulating her through Ani-” He shakes his head. “But that was never true, was it?”

               “I would never hurt her.” Ren’s voice is low. “I know what happened on the Starkiller Base but that was many years ago.”

               Poe scoffs openly. “And when you tried to take her life on your flagship?”

               “That was _Snoke_ ,” Ren counters, and Poe holds up his hands as if he doesn’t want to argue.

               “She loves _you_ ,” he says with some finality. “She does. Which means when she wakes up-” He shakes his head. “Leia is doing everything to make sure that you’re guaranteed a fair trial with the New Republic. She’s trying to prevent an execution, and we-”

               “It doesn’t matter,” Ren shakes his head from side to side as Poe watches his cautiously. “Whatever happened was in the past. You need to take care of them now.”

               Poe’s jaw drops, as if he doesn’t understand what he’s hearing. “She chose you, Ren, she-”

               “She’s better off with you.” It was hard enough to admit to himself, let alone the pilot, but he didn’t have a choice. He had to get this out, now, while it was fresh in his mind. “I was selfish, taking her away from D’Qar. That was my mistake. That was what led to her downfall to the dark side. If I hadn’t taken her away, she and Ani would be safe now. No matter what happens to me, you need to make sure she’s safe. That they’re both _safe_. Do you understand?”

               “I don’t believe you.” The words slip out of Poe as he gets to his feet and paces the length of the room. “I know how much she means to you. You were willing to die for us if it meant protecting her. No. What game are you playing?”

               “No games,” Kylo says firmly. “You saw what happened. She almost died because of me.”

               “Because of _Snoke-_ ”

               “She belongs _here_ ,” Kylo manages through gritted teeth. “With people who can protect her. _I_ failed her. I failed Anakin. I need to know that you’ll protect them.”

               “I-” Poe looks momentarily stunned as he wipes at his face with one hand. “I’d protect them with my life, Ren, but-”

               “Good.” Ren looks away as if that’s all he wants to say on the matter, but Poe isn’t finished yet.

               “Where is this coming from?” he asks suspiciously. “You would die for her. You did die for her. How are you willing to give up on her so easily?”

               “I know what this means,” Ren says quietly. “I was able to leave before because we had the element of surprise. The First Order is in shambles now. The war is over. Hux is dead, Phasma is gone, and I’m in your custody. The Resistance and the New Republic both are going to look for a swift conclusion to this war, and my execution is the surest one they can get.”

               “We don’t know that,” Poe says quietly. “But what about her? Do you really think that she’s going to just let _you_ go so easily?”

               Ren closes his eyes for a moment as he tries to think. No, honestly, he didn’t think that. But this is what was best for you. Maybe you would understand that. Maybe Anakin would give you your own vision and help you to truly understand that this was where you were safest now. He would have thought that you would have been utterly destroyed in the thought bomb he had started to channel, but the fact that you were still barely hanging on meant that you would need years and years of rehabilitation to get you back to your own self.

               And as much as he hated to admit it, he couldn’t help with that. He didn’t know how. Luke would, though. Plus, there was no guarantee that he would be able to survive this trial. The more distance he put between you now, the softer the blow would be if he truly did have to face his execution.

               Part of him wanted to push you away, knowing it would mean that much more to him if you were to return, but another part of himself chided him against it. He was older now, and the time for foolish games had passed. He loved you, more than anything in this world and in the After, and he was determined to do right by you. He had been selfish, keeping you locked away and raising Ani in private, never truly allowing you both to explore the galaxy on your own terms. With the galaxy at peace, you could do that. You can be and do anything you wanted.

               And it seemed the only price to pay for that freedom was his execution.

               Ren once thought murdering his father was the hardest thing he had ever done in his entire life. But this? There was nothing that could compare to this. He would have to be more selfless than he had ever been, or even knew how to be. But you were worth it, though.

               For you and his son, he would do absolutely anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I kind of love this chapter and wish I had included it in the actual story because I feel like it really sets up Kylo's frame of mind for the rest of Glow. We start off at Chapter 1 back on Naboo with Kylo doing absolutely anything to "keep" you and then it sort of progresses to now, where he sort of realizes he has to let you go and let you make your own decisions, that if you want to be with him, you have to choose him and he can't kidnap you and limit your options so that you don't really have a choice but to choose him. Now he's sort of at the stage where he wants to push you away, knowing how much it would mean if you still want to be with him, so he's kind of caught in the crossfire of knowing what would probably be best for you and actively hoping for the opposite. But I could spend forever writing a meta about this...next week, we get two characters that haven't really interacted directly throughout the whole story despite how much interaction they got in TFA...yup, I'm talking about Rey and Ren. How is that going to go down? I guess you'll just have to tune in next week to find out. Until then, cheers!!


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Glow in the Dawn  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: Pre-trial  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Rey, Poe Dameron

               Why did things never seem to work out in his favor?

               Kylo Ren heard the door opening from behind him, but ignored it. It was probably just his mother, again, and he didn’t feel like discussing the trial and his inevitable death just now. You dwelled on it constantly, and it ashamed him to admit that he would rather you spend time with the pilot than him. It seemed to be the only way to get your mind off of his trial, and if that meant that he had to stay away from you until you had time to come to terms with everything, then so be it. Your anxiety made _him_ anxious, and that was something he could not permit himself to be. Not here.

               Not when-

               “Ren. I know you’re awake.”

               That wasn’t his mother’s voice.

               He rolls over to see the scavenger standing in the middle of his room, her arms crossed over her chest as she stares down at him.

               “You.” He can’t help the flare of indignation that rises in his chest. “Get out.”

               “I’m training your son now.” A self-satisfied smirk settles over her lips, and Ren can feel a myriad of emotions flash through him. Betrayal, anger, and above all, confusion. “I knew that would get your attention.”

               Ren lets out a huff as he shakes his head in disgust. “Why are you here?”

               “I needed to see for myself,” Rey says simply. “Luke wants me to help both her and Ani. To do that, I need to-”

               “You don’t need to do anything.” A part of him knew that she had trained you. A part of him knew that she had befriended his son before he did. The scavenger seemed to foil him at every turn, and this was no exception. “You need to stay away from my family.”

               She narrows her eyes as she considers him for a moment. “Why do you hate me so much? Is it because I’m stronger than you? Is it because of what happened back on-?”

               “You are _not_ stronger than me,” Kylo snaps. He forces himself to quell his rage, if only for your sake. That, and any anger seemed to twist into the hole in his chest like a knife. For the sake of his own healing, he had to stay calm. Or at least try to be.

               “I understand,” Rey says patiently. “Or at least, I can pretend to. I know that you’re frustrated by the way things turned out, but-”

               “By the way things turned out?” He forces himself to keep calm, but his voice is scathing. “Luke trusts you. My mother dotes on you. Even my son-” Ren bites back his words as he shakes his head. “You have what you want. You’re satisfied to see me like this, being led off to die. Don’t pretend otherwise.”

               Rey hesitates for a moment before she lets out a sigh. But when she speaks, her voice is strong. “You’re right. I do want to see you dead. I’ve always wanted to see you dead. You kidnapped me. You almost killed Finn. It doesn’t matter how much training I have, I will _never_ – listen to me, I will _never_ forgive you for that.”

               “And you shouldn’t.” Ren lets his shoulders rise and drop, as if it didn’t really make a difference to him.

               “You’re different than when we first met,” Rey notes, but her voice is cold. “You care about her. You love her.”

               There was no point in denying the obvious. “I do.”

               “She was like a sister to me.” Something falls away and Ren glances up at her. She was shaking with rage. Her hands were clasped into fists at her sides and her face was screwed up in anger. “They were like family to me, her and Ani both. Then you just took them away. Leia was devastated. You destroyed her family and you almost destroyed mine.”

               Ren didn’t have to ask her what she meant. He could feel it through the Force. “You can’t blame me for that. I didn’t sense Snoke. You didn’t either. And if you had actually destroyed him when you thought you did-”

               “I did more than you ever could.” The words were quiet, deadly, and Ren has the decency to look away. “I was in her head, Ren. I saw what you did to her on the Starkiller Base. I know what happened on the _Resolute_. Snoke played you for a fool, and you almost killed her…how many times now? How long will it be until you actually do kill her? The only reason she’s alive now is because Ani and I managed to heal her – heal you _both –_ on the way back here. If Poe hadn’t found her in time, it may have been too late.”

               “I know.” There’s a sliver of emotion in Ren’s voice, but he chokes it back. “I know. You don’t need to tell me what I already know. She could have died. My son could have died. That is not lost on me. It’s why I’m encouraging her to stay here. With the pilot. With you.”

               “You don’t mean it.” Rey shakes her head from side to side. “You may have Poe fooled, but not me, Ren. This is one of your tricks. You’re planning to escape, just like last time.”

               “And if I’m not?” Ren arches an eyebrow. “What if I’ve resigned myself to my fate? What if I know there’s no point in trying to escape, because both you and Luke will never let that happen? What if I’m prepared to die?”

               “And leave her behind?”

               “If that’s what it takes.” He settles back against the wall, radiating sincerity. He can tell she’s unnerved, trying to figure out why she couldn’t tell he was lying to her.

               “I’m warning you not to,” Rey says at last. “I don’t want to kill you in front of her or your son, but I will. If that’s what it takes, I will. And Luke’s prepared to do the same. If you try to escape, he’ll siphon the Force from your body.”

               “No,” Ren says loudly, too loud for his own ears. He knew what that meant. If he lost his connection to the Force, there would be no way to reach out to you or his son after he died. He didn’t know for sure if he’d be able to now, but at least with the bond reasserting itself, he at least had a chance. If Luke took that from him, he might as well take his soul as well. “You don’t have to worry about me doing anything. I know how precarious the situation is. I know how much danger they’re both in. You don’t like me. I don’t care. You like them, and I know that you know you have to do everything that you can to keep them safe. Snoke is going to be targeting them-”

               “And not me?”

               “Whether you live or die is inconsequential,” Ren says with a shrug of his shoulders, and Rey lets out a laugh.

               “Well, that’s heartwarming,” she says, and her voice sounds almost pleasant. “I’ve been inside her mind. I watched her fall in love with you. I don’t understand it, I don’t want to understand it, but you have a family that dotes on you. You’re…incredibly lucky, considering what you’ve done.”

               Ren looks away. “I don’t deserve it.”

               “We’re in agreement there,” Rey says without missing a beat. “And I don’t trust you, Ren, not for a second. I don’t believe that you’re honestly going to go off and die for them.”

               “Why not? He’s done it before.” Poe smirks as he enters the room, and Ren can’t help but let out a sigh as he rolls his eyes.

               “Will my mother be joining us too?” Ren asks. “Perhaps Luke as well?”

               “If you’d like me to call them down,” Poe says good-naturedly before he glances over at Rey. “A little surprised to be seeing you in here, though. He causing you any trouble?”

               Rey pauses for a moment, as if coming to a decision about something. “No,” she says at last. “No, I think we have an understanding.”

               “We will never have an understanding,” Ren assures her, and Rey can’t help but look pleased as she turns back to Poe.

               “He’s all yours.”

               As soon as she’s gone, Ren wastes no time in looking at Poe. “How is she?”

               There’s a tone of urgency in his voice that he’s grateful Poe doesn’t comment on. “She’s not giving up on you, Ren.” Poe allows him a moment to consider this. “You know, you’re really lucky that you found her.”

               “Found her _first_ ,” Ren amends, but Poe just shakes his head.

               “I’ll do as you asked,” he assures him. “I’ll take care of her. You’ve seen inside my head. You don’t have to question how much I care about her and Ani both, but if she had to make a choice, she’d choose you every time.”

               “I don’t deserve it.”

               “No, you don’t,” Poe agrees. “But I guess B knew what he was doing when he selected her. I can’t imagine anyone else looking past everything you’ve done and staying by your side regardless. As I said, you’re lucky.”

               “She shouldn’t have gotten involved.” Ren shakes his head. This was one of the few things that he didn’t have to feel guilty for, and yet he felt it all the same. “She shouldn’t have gotten involved in this. She was safe on her home planet. If she had stayed, I never would have met her. She would be a lot better off.”

               “To be fair, if you hadn’t met her, I probably wouldn’t have either,” Poe concedes. “But she doesn’t regret any of it. If you want to feel guilty about something, Ren, I can give you a long list of things that you should feel guilty for, but she’s not one of them.”

               The corner of Ren’s lip quirks into the semblance of a smile. For all his faults, Ren was starting to come to terms with the fact that he didn’t actually detest the pilot. In fact, he almost felt as though he could understand him. Then again, how much was because of his own opinion, and how much was it because he was influenced through you and the Force bond?

               _That_ was something he refused to dwell on. “Since I know you’re here for more information, do you want to know what happened to the New Republic convoy that mysteriously disappeared just outside of Mygaar?”

               Poe lets out a sigh as he nods his head forward. “Let’s get to it.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready to jump back towards Flare again? So I had this idea for a one-shot that I was writing on my phone at 4 AM while I was lying on the concrete and couldn't sleep at SWCO so I started typing it out on my phone, but I was tired and so it slowly took the shape of Reader and Kylo back on Starkiller Base. It's the first NSFWish thing that I've written in a long time, but hey, what's life without a little smut, right? ;) Until then, cheers!!


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Flare in the Dark  
> Perspective: You  
> Chapter: 30ish?  
> Characters: Reader, Kylo Ren

               You leaned against the wall by the window, your chin resting in your arms that balanced precariously on the sill’s narrow edge as you stared out at the dreary white snow beyond. Kylo had been gone for days and days, and quite frankly, you were bored. Ladson was busy, Phasma was gone too, and you were sure that you weren’t quite bored enough to seek out Hux’s company.

               Although, you couldn’t help but consider, maybe you weren’t bored at all. Maybe you were just cooped up. You always liked being outside on your old academia; when you weren’t in class, you were always going for long walks or just sitting in the grass practicing your craft. Now, though, you survived off of artificial light and ventilated air. Maybe that was why everyone in the First Order was considered as evil as they were. Maybe people from the outer worlds just saw morality as something that could evaporate through an air vent.

               You, of course, knew differently. You hadn’t been with the First Order all that long, but you could already see that there was nothing evil about them. They were misguided, clearly, and a bit fanatical, at least those in the upper echelons were. Most of the Stormtroopers weren’t even there by choice, and the officers that you had met had all been raised into this kind of life. Their fathers had known nothing but the Empire, and they would never know anything but the First Order. In a way, you thought it must be comforting to be so assured of your place in the world. You knew where you had come from. You knew where you would go.

               There was a certain sense of comfort in the routine, in the familiar. Then again, knowing that you were going to be spending the rest of your life on a military installation wasn’t exactly as exciting as it could have sounded, especially when there was nothing to actually do on base. There wasn’t anything _fun._ Everything was just dull and cold and mechanical and drab and grey and-

               “Why so melancholy?”

               You had been so lost in your thoughts that you hadn’t even heard Kylo come in behind you. Without thinking, you turn around and rush towards him, jumping into his arms as you wrap your legs around his waist. He catches you easily, and you’re so excited to see him, you don’t even wait for him to remove his helmet as you press your lips directly over his mouthpiece. Your eyes stare through the slit in the mask, your fingertips brushing over the cool steel plate as you imagine him starring lovingly back at you from within.

               “I missed you.”

               “I know.” Kylo lets you hop down before he draws back his hood and removes his helmet. “I could feel you. What’s wrong?”

               “I missed you,” you repeat, but Kylo looks like he’s waiting for more of an explanation. “I don’t know, it’s nothing. I’m just bored, I guess. It’ll pass.”

               Kylo’s eyes glance past you towards the window. “You want to go out there.”

               “Maybe.” You let your shoulders rise and drop. “But I don’t want to freeze to death.”

               “You won’t.” Kylo shakes his head as he puts his helmet back on over his head. “Come.”

               He heads for the door without another glance back, and your feet stumble stupidly for a moment before you hurry to catch up to him. You want to ask where you were headed, but you don’t dare with other Stormtroopers patrolling the halls. Instead, you just keep your head level as you walk along beside him.

               _Mind telling me where we’re going?_

_You’ll see._

While a part of you is curious to see where you’re headed, a part of you is almost afraid that you already know _exactly_ where you’re headed, and your fears are confirmed as Kylo leads you down into the lower section of the base.

               You emerge into something similar to what looked like a locker room, and Ren opens up a long closet in the back of the room. “Through there. Gloves. Boots. Coat. Everything you’ll need to stay warm.”

               “Good to know,” you reply as you shuffle through the material, trying to figure out what fit. “But what about you? What are you going to wear?”

               Kylo doesn’t answer, and you cast a look over your shoulder as you begin to lace up your boots. “I know that thing’s about five layers thick, but is it really enough to keep you warm?”

               Kylo pauses for a moment before he responds. “It’s enough.”

               For a moment you wonder if Kylo liked the cold, as if the chill gave him some sort of a rush that he couldn’t experience otherwise. You had experienced cold back on your academia and back in the depths of space, but you had never experienced an icy tundra like this before.

               Kylo waits until you’re dressed at his side before he opens the doors to the outside and steps through. The cold hits you immediately, sealing off your airway as you stretch the warm fabric cozy over your lips and nose.

               Kylo turns to look back at you, hovering nervously in the entrance. You can feel the sting of the cold wind against your eyes, and you immediately wonder how Kylo is staying warm. The helmet was heavy, yes, but it wasn’t well-insulated against the cold. “I’m not so sure about this,” you say nervously. “Maybe we should-”

               Without warning, you’re suddenly dragged outside, the snow crunching underneath your feet as you’re pulled towards him. “Okay, Kylo, stop, I can walk.” But he doesn’t stop, not until you’re about an arm’s length away from him. Kylo just stares down at you, as if he’s waiting for something, and you shuffle awkwardly underneath his gaze. “So, where do you want to go, exactly?”

               Kylo nods, as if he had been waiting for you to ask that question. “Follow me.”

               He heads towards a tree-line in the distance, and you struggle to keep pace with him. The boots were slightly too large for your feet, and you can feel your feet slipping back and forth against the soles with every step. If Kylo noticed, he made no comment on it.

               “You seem quieter than usual,” you notice as you glance up at him. “Did everything go okay while you were gone?” Kylo says nothing, and you venture into a new line of questioning. “So how do you know where we’re going? Do you come out here often?”

               “Sometimes.”

               You had meant it as a joke, but the answer surprises you. Kylo glances down at you as he senses your confusion flicker through the Force bond, but decides against elaborating. You decide not to ask, either. If this was some place Kylo went when he needed to unleash his rage, or when he felt he needed his space, then that was fine by you.

               “Not from you.”

               You glance up at him in confusion for a moment before a small smile settles over your features. He was inside your head now, gleaning all of your thoughts. When you had first met him, you would have been disturbed by just the notion, but now you were almost comforted by the fact that he understood what you wanted to say without you having to say anything at all. Your own skills hadn’t gotten that advanced, at least, not yet. You were able to pick up impressions from him, shifts in mood, and sometimes that was all you needed to be able to understand him.

               Suddenly, Kylo spins you around as he pushes you roughly back against a thick tree trunk. You gasp for a moment, caught completely off guard, sucking an icy gust of air into your lungs. In one fluid motion, Kylo has his helmet off as he tosses it into the snow beside him. His lips are on yours in an instant, his gloved hands at your face, and you let out a shuddering breath as you kiss him back just as fervently.

               You can feel his need through the Force, building stronger as he struggles to feel you underneath your thick jacket. _I can feel you wanting me_ , you tease him. _You must have really missed me._

_I did._

_Then say it._ You’re not quite sure why you wanted to hear it from Kylo directly when you could feel it for yourself, but he complies regardless.

               “I missed you,” he pants into your open mouth, and you can feel yourself building even faster than he is. Desperate to feel his hands against your body, you start to undo the fixtures on the jacket, only to have Kylo stop you.

               “No, it’s too cold. You’ll get burned.”

               “Burned?”

               “From the cold.”

               You shift uncomfortably as Kylo pulls away from you, restless and needy. “But-”

               Kylo suddenly pushes you backwards into the snow, and you pull him down on top of you, his large frame directly over yours. “We can make this fast,” you tell him, and Kylo just nods as he shifts the fabric in his tunic to allow him to pull down his pants and let his erection come free. He pulls down your pants quickly, putting his hands underneath your butt cheeks to hoist you out of the snow as he grabs your hips and pushes into you without warning.

               You let out a small whimper, both from the over-full feeling of him pushing inside of you combining with the ice cold snow beneath your bare bottom. Kylo was right, it _did_ burn, but you were not about to ask him to stop. “Keep going,” you urge as you move your hips up and down against his, desperate for more sensation. You let your eyes roll back and stare up at the treetops lining your vision, breaking in places to allow a glimpse at the monotonous grey sky overhead.

               _Look at me._

Kylo’s voice in your head snaps your attention back to him immediately, and he quickly works your legs around his head and shoulders, even with your feet still shackled by the fabric of your pants. He pulls you into his lap, holding you tightly to him as he begins to move at a more frantic pace.

               As pleasurable as it feels, you can feel Kylo gritting his teeth in frustration as he works himself as hard as he can. “Shh,” you soothe gently as you adjust your position so that you can wrap your arms around his middle, resting your cheek against the stiff fabric of his scarf as you kiss the tender area of available skin just about his neck seal. “It’s okay. Whatever’s wrong, it’s okay.”

               “I missed you,” Kylo grunts as he continues to push himself deep inside of you, although his pace slows somewhat with the assertion.

               “I missed you too,” you reassure him, still not quite sure what was wrong.

               “I missed you.” Kylo’s gloves fingers fist in your hair beneath your lined hood. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I needed you, I-”

               You open your mouth to speak, but no words come out. You had needed Kylo to, you missed him, but you were okay with that. Getting used to you, and the bond, was something that Kylo was still apparently coming to terms with. He wanted to embrace it, wanted to accept it, but a part of him was still concerned that something could go wrong, that you could be taken from him and he would have no way to get you back. It was easy enough to assuage these fears when he was elsewhere on the base and he could at least feel you nearby, but when he was elsewhere in the galaxy? When he couldn’t feel your presence?

               “You don’t need to worry about me,” you tell him gently. “I’m not going anywhere. You know that. I love you more than anything, and I’m safe here. Hux knows he has you and Phasma to answer to if he ever tries anything again, and I’ve got Ladson looking out for me too. You don’t need to worry.”

               Kylo just nods as if he didn’t want to dwell on it further as he picks up his rapid pace again, and you take his face in your hands as you kiss him, pushing yourself down against him again and again, savoring the conflicting sensations of the warmth of his body and the cold of the snow beneath you. Eventually you allow these sensations to overwhelm you as you find your release, biting into the thick fabric over his shoulder as you shudder, either from your release or from the chill of the cold sweat that was collecting underneath the tight sleeves of your jacket.

               Kylo finds his own release quietly as he stills inside of you, wrapping his arms protectively around you as he pulls you into him. “I can’t do this without you.”

               “And you never have to,” you reassure him, kissing his temple as you smooth his hair back. “I’ll be here for you, always.” He offers you a small smile, but it’s clearly forced. “Talk to me, Kylo, what’s wrong?”

               “Would you ever want to go back?” he asks, glancing down and away from you. “I felt you, earlier, when I first arrived. You miss the seasons. You miss the sun-”

               “I do,” you confess. “I do miss those things. That was a home to me for so long, and it was the first place I ever felt like it _was_ a home to me, back before I realized that home is a person and not a place. We’re bonded now, Kylo, and it doesn’t matter if I miss the sun, because even if I went back, I wouldn’t be happy there because it wouldn’t feel right without you. We’re here and we’re together. That’s all that matters to me. Would I prefer to go somewhere warmer if you ever offered? Yes, but I’m not leaving you. I won’t leave you. Not ever.”

               You’re about to tell him that you love him when he takes his hands around the back of your neck, pulling you into him as he kisses you deeply. You didn’t know what it would take to assure Kylo that you were his, that you would always be his, but you weren’t going to leave him, not for anything. No, if it took you the rest of your life to convince Kylo that you loved him, then you would spend each and every day doing just that.  

               It didn’t matter where in the galaxy you went now. Kylo was home. And Kylo would always be home.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why, but I really just like to think about Kylo's mental state when he realizes how emotionally dependent on Reader he is, and how he doesn't want to be, but at the same time, he can't deny he likes it. But next week we're going to jump into a little something different. Still staying with Flare, we're going to jump into a secret conversation about what's going on from Hux's perspective while he chats with Phasma about Ren's unusual behavior. Until next week, cheers!!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Flare in the Dark   
> Perspective: General Hux  
> Chapter: Parallel to Chapter 5-6  
> Characters: General Hux, Captain Phasma

               “Late again? Where is Ren now?”

               General Hux merely raises an eyebrow as he glances back at Phasma, as if that was the question of the day. He had no idea why the Supreme Leader put so much trust in someone who embodied the mere essence of recklessness. He was powerful enough in the Force, as Vader himself had been, although from what he had heard, Vader was at least much more composed. He couldn’t imagine Lord Vader devastating one of the communications consoles when he became enraged. Eliminating weak, incompetent officers was one thing. Destroying machinery and equipment that was already hard to come by was another.

               “Where do you think?” he asks, his tone practically dripping with sarcasm.

               Phasma pauses for a moment as she considers him. “With the girl? I thought they were all supposed to be off doing the-”

               Hux doesn’t even give her time to finish. “Ren wants to do hers _personally_.”

               “He senses something in her,” Phasma says to no one in particular. “Has he spoken to you about her?”

               Hux shoots her the same dry look. “He hasn’t even spoken to the Supreme Leader about her. He’s hiding something.”

               “Do you know what Ren’s been doing as of late?” Phasma asks, and Hux shakes his head as though he almost didn’t even want to know. “My officers have observed him patrolling the corridors around the base near where she’s staying.”

               Hux runs his thumb along his lower lip as he considers this. “Does he frequent that area often?”

               “Not to my knowledge.” Phasma has more she wants to say, but she doesn’t dare voice it. Not until she’s asked.

               “Have you been following my instructions?” Hux asks. “Have you befriended the girl and the rest of her lot?”

               “I have,” Phasma says evenly. “She seems normal, as far as I could gather. If she’s like Ren, she doesn’t show it. She may not even be aware of it.”

               “No one’s like Ren,” Hux says briskly as he gets to his feet. “I only have time to monitor one Force-sensitive at a time. You will watch her, and if you suspect anything-”

               “You’ll be the first to hear of it.” Phasma dips her head forward. “And what of Ren?”

               “Let him watch her,” Hux pauses for a moment in consideration. “Yes, let him watch her. Don’t interrupt him. He seems taken with her. If that’s the case, let him work out this fascination on his own. I have enough trouble getting him to follow orders as it is. If we try to dissuade him, there’s no telling what he’ll do.” A scowl tugs at the corners of his lips as he hears Phasma snort beneath her helmet. “Do I amuse you?”

               “Do you really think he’s taken with her?” Phasma asks. “He senses something about her, but you can’t mean to suggest his fascination borders on affection.”

               “I’m not sure of anything right now,” Hux says firmly, choosing to ignore the fact that Phasma snickers again. “As I said, if anything happens, I want to be the first to hear of it.”

               “Sir.” Phasma dips her head forward in a respectful nod as she bows out of the room, leaving Hux alone with his thoughts. Like Phasma, he too deemed the thought of Ren to be captivated by someone to be utterly laughable. Like himself, Ren was only interested in power and the ideals of the First Order that Snoke had instilled in him. Anything that distracted him from that focus had to be eliminated. Ren himself was like a rabid dog, destroying everything around him, and Hux had gone to considerable efforts to tame him, fueling Ren’s rash anger and proclivity for violence in a manner that was beneficial to the Order. He had only ever seen Ren focused on himself and his own needs, and he couldn’t even picture Ren trying to care for another living thing.

               The door opened suddenly as Kylo Ren strode into the command center. He never walked; his cape and long robes almost always gave the appearance that he was sweeping into whatever room he entered. “Ah, Ren. You’re late. As always.”

               “I was busy.” He can tell by the way that Ren looks down and away that he wished not to discuss it. Which meant, of course, that he had no choice but to draw it out of him.

               “With the girl?” Hux knew that the only way to get a straight answer was to watch Ren lie to his face. It was a tired game, but by now he was accustomed to playing it quite well.

               “I felt she might have information that could be beneficial to us.” The first time Ren had seen you, he had told Hux that you merely looked familiar, like a face from his past. That had been a lie, considering that Hux had run not one but several searches of your profile, and none of the results revealed anything. You were not a citizen of the New Republic, and the chances that Ren had actually recognized you from somewhere was slim at best. No, he knew when Ren was lying to him, and this was definitely one of those times. Ren lied to him at seemingly every opportunity, but usually it was to save himself the trouble. Now, it seemed, he was lying with the possible intention of protecting someone else?

               It was interesting, at the very least.

               “And what did you discover?” Hux pushes.

               “Nothing of note.” Ren pauses for a moment, as if thinking something over. “I had perhaps considered that she contained some element of the Force. I was wrong. There is nothing exceptional about her.”

               This draws Hux’s attention immediately. Ren was not only willingly volunteering information, but openly admitting that he was wrong?

               “What aren’t you telling me?”

               “Shouldn’t you be glad that I’m volunteering this information?” Ren asks. “Usually you’re so adamant that I’m keeping things from you.”

               “And yet now you’ve decided to be helpful?” Hux muses aloud. “Are you going to volunteer this information to Supreme Leader Snoke as well?”

               Hux can’t see Ren’s expression beneath his helmet, and yet he visibly falters. “I have no interest in wasting the Supreme Leader’s time when there is nothing need be done concerning the girl.”

               Hux hesitates for a moment. He wants to push Ren further, to try see what he was hiding, but there were other ways to do that. “All right.” He adjusts his collar. “If you say that there is nothing need be done, then we will continue to focus our efforts on the Tortutaru.”

               Ren dips his head forward in agreement as he turns on his heel and storms away, as Ren so often did. Still, Hux couldn’t help but notice that his usual intensity was lessened somewhat. He was in one of his thoughtful, introspective moods again, the kind that Hux didn’t know how to deal with. He could match Ren’s anger with his own, but he had no idea how to control Ren’s brooding, or channel it into something that even took the semblance of productivity.

               Still, Hux had much more important matters to attend to than Ren and found himself quickly getting distracted by the ever pressing needs of the First Order. But that night, when most of his staff had retired for the night, Hux found himself glancing at the monitors as he idly watched the slow march of stormtroopers patrolling the base.

               He wasn’t all that surprised to see Ren circling the guest quarters. As he watched his various movements through his monitors, he _was_ surprised to see that Ren continued walking for the better part of an hour, like a vicious animal stalking his prey.

               Finally, he seemed to get frustrated with this game, as he turned on his heel and marched back the way he came before knocking on one of the doors. A minute passed before the door finally opened and Ren slipped inside. Due to the nature of the camera down the opposing hall, Hux couldn’t tell who was behind the door or whose room it was, although that didn’t concern him in the slightest. He knew whose room it was, although he was beginning to think that Ren’s obsession with you didn’t just have to do with the Force. No, he was starting to think that his interest with you truly did border on infatuation.

               He almost expected Ren to spend the entire night there. He had planned on ordering one of his officers to watch the door and alert him to the precise time when Ren left, but he was surprised to see Ren emerging from your room about ten minutes later. That dreaded mask gave away no hint of what might have transpired within.

               He watched as Ren stalked about for a few minutes, strolling up and down the corridors, before he again stopped outside your room. He hesitated there for a moment as though he was about to enter it again before he seemingly stops himself and slumps back against the wall. Hux watches him through the grainy security footage as Ren seems to lean against the wall opposite your door, crossing his arms over his chest as he stands and waits. Hux doesn’t have a clue what he’s waiting for, and it seems neither does Ren, as it’s not long before he soon gives up and heads back to his room.

               Something was definitely up. Ren didn’t want to say, but Hux was sure that the Supreme Leader would indeed be curious about his mysterious behavior.

               For a moment, Hux felt a pang of sympathy wash over him. What if there was nothing mysterious about this girl? What if Ren simply had a crush and there were no ulterior factors at play? He didn’t think Ren capable of such a thing, and yet shouldn’t he at least entertain the possibility before getting the Supreme Leader involved?

               No. He had his orders. Anything that interfered with Kylo Ren’s mission and his duty to the First Order needed to be reported on in order to be checked immediately. The Supreme Leader had asked this of him, and he was never one to stand in the way of a direct order.

               For that, he was almost sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun bit that I wanted to play with: Hux thinks that Kylo said that you _looked_ familiar...anyone want to wager good money that Kylo really said that you _felt_ familiar, like through the Force, and Hux totally misunderstood what he meant? Because if I were you, I'd totally make that bet. ;) So I'm a little unsure of what I should post next week. I had this whole big thing written out after the ending where Poe finds Phasma cooking in their kitchen and at first I thought it would be like, light and sit-commy, but then like the reality of that sort of situation sunk in and I was like..oh...oh shit...this is bad...and I kinda don't want to get into anything heavy and depressing so I may just scrap the plan...unless you guys really want to read it! Let me know!


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Candle in the Night/A Glow in the Dawn  
> Perspective: Kylo Ren  
> Chapter: After you go to D’Qar  
> Characters: Kylo Ren, Reader

               Kylo Ren lay in his bed as he stared up at the cold mechanical ceiling above him. It felt lonely without you there, although he wasn’t quite sure how. You had never been in this room. You had never even set foot on his personal flagship, and yet he could almost feel you curled up into his chest as you slept with your head against his shoulder. Thinking about you there felt right, and good, and comforting.

               But it made no sense.

               You had abandoned him. You had defied his instructions, took his son, and fled to the Outer Rim with that accursed Resistance pilot. Worse, you left to hide under the protection of his _mother_. He couldn’t understand why you would do it, but maybe a part of him didn’t want to understand. If he tried, he would have to put himself in your position. He would have to realize that he walked off one day and never came back, never sent word…

               He was trying to protect you. He was trying to keep you safe. It made sense. It made cold, hard, logical sense, but he knew at once you would reject it. You didn’t want to be safe. You wanted to be with him, and you would have fought the Supreme Leader himself for that chance.

               That was why he had to keep you away. He had to keep you alive, and safe, even if it meant that he may never see you again.

               Something foul twisted in his stomach as he turned over onto his side, hugging the pillow to him fiercely. He felt like a child who was being sent to bed without supper; he wanted you, he craved you, and yet he had to deny himself your light in order to preserve it.

               Part of him wanted to launch an offensive into the Outer Rim. They would never expect it. He could infiltrate the base, take you and his son and flee. But where would he go? What would he do? He wasn’t sure. Supreme Leader Snoke would punish him if he knew he was having these thoughts, and yet Ren couldn’t help but let strategy after strategy float through his mind until they dragged him over the narrow threshold of sleep.

               He had been trying to figure out just how long it would take until he was able to breach D’Qar’s outer defenses when he suddenly realized that he wasn’t in his bed anymore. He was standing in the middle of a large, grassy plane, while the blue, cloudless sky seemed to stretch on and on forever in either direction.

               “What?” Confusion slipped straight into anger, as it so often did. “Where is this?”

               “I’m not sure. You’ve seen it before though, haven’t you? In another dream?”

               He spins around to see you sitting on the grass, chin tilted up to observe the endless blue sky above him. Confusion prickled at his skin, and something else, some emotion he wasn’t quite sure he could name. “You’re not her.”

               “No?” You finally bring yourself to look at him. “A manifestation of the Force, perhaps. Or maybe just two minds reaching out in the darkness.”

               Kylo hesitated, trying to figure out if this was a vision or something else entirely. Were you missing him too? Maybe a part of you was reaching out to him with your mind, meeting him just on the border of where this world ended and the realm of the Force began.

               “I’m always missing you.” You plop down on the grass entirely, rolling onto your back as you spread your hands by your sides.

               “Where am I?” Kylo asks as he looks around. “You said I’ve seen this before in another dream. How do you know that? You weren’t here to see it.”

               “I’ve seen it too.” When Kylo turns around again, you’re no longer lying on the grass. Instead, you’re standing almost directly behind him. “There’s something familiar about this place. I don’t know where it is, but I want to be here. I want you to be here with me.”

               Kylo hesitates for a moment. “Did you bring me here?”

               “Or is it the other way around?” you finish for him. “But this isn’t a planet I recognize.”

               “No,” Kylo agrees as he shakes his head. “I don’t think I’ve ever been here.”

               “We’ll meet here.” You nod your chin towards something in the distance. “Maybe on another day, perhaps.”

               “Why did you do it?” Kylo lowers his voice as he brushes a strand of hair back away from your face. He didn’t even mean to do it; a part of him couldn’t help himself. “Why did you leave?”

               “You were gone.” You shrug, letting your shoulders rise and drop. “Would you even be thinking about me now if I hadn’t left?”

               “So this was what? Some way to draw my attention?” Kylo can feel his anger growing again, though he does his best to stifle it for your sake. “I can’t get to you now. I can’t see you now.”

               “You never tried to see me before.” Your voice didn’t resonate with your usual emotion. Your voice was calm, even, never wavering.

               “What do you want me to do?” Kylo demands. “Do you want me to chase you down? To find you on D’Qar? Is that what you want?”

               You look almost troubled as you glance around your surroundings, as if seeing something he wasn’t. “I want you to bring me here,” you decide at last before turning back to face him, as if suddenly everything had all become clear. “And it’s okay. Because you will. It’s not going to be easy, but you will.”

               His forehead furrows as he observes you. “And how do you know that?”

               “Because I love you?” you offer. “Or because you love me and you’re not going to stop until you find me again.”

               Kylo glances away, guilt creeping into his heart. “And how can you be so certain?”

               “Because I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone else, and more than anyone ever will.” You sounded so matter of fact when you said it, so sure, that Kylo almost believed you himself. “We’re bonded, Kylo. The Force wants us to be together. I can feel it.”

               “I’ve done too much,” Kylo shakes his head. “I’ve done too much and you’re so far away. What if you can’t forgive me for all that I’ve done?”

               The corner of your lip twitches into the ghost of a smile. “I can. Maybe I just need you to convince me.”

               Kylo’s eyes open immediately as he sits up. He expects himself to be back in bed on the _Resolute_ , but instead found himself asleep on the couch opposing your bed. Naboo. He was on Naboo. He quickly sat up and strode over to the balcony, placing both hands on the railing as he stared out at the verdant green trees dancing lightly in the cool breeze of dawn.

               He had forgotten that dream, if that had been a dream at all. Sometimes his visions were so hazy and unclear when he awoke that he couldn’t be certain, but this had been something real. This had been what you wanted. You had asked him for this. You had asked him to be here.

               So why were you opposing him now?

_Maybe I just need you to convince me._

               He let your words come back to him as he comes around to your bedside. You said you wanted to leave. You said you wanted to go back to D’Qar. But you still murmured his name in your sleep. You still loved him. Would he be able to convince you to stay?

               He can’t help but run a hand through your hair, and his upper lip quirks into a soft smile as he watches you cuddle closer into the small point of contact. “You told me you love me more than anyone ever has loved another, or ever will.”

               “I do.”

               He stills suddenly as he takes in your sleepy reply. Were you awake? He waits breathlessly for a few moments as deafening silence pulses in his ears, but no, you were still asleep. Your regular breathing and the steady rise and fall of your chest confirmed that much.

               You loved him. You still wanted to be with him. Despite all that had happened, you still cared for him. He knew it would take possibly more convincing than he was perhaps capable of, but he would do whatever it took to make you see that this was genuine. He wanted to raise his son on Naboo, and he wanted you to be right there beside him. He had abandoned you for so long, that much was true, but he had never given up hope that maybe one day he could past the past behind him and start a new life with you. Right now, he was ready to begin his new life with you, but you weren’t. You loved him, that much was true, but you weren’t ready to forgive him. Not yet.

               Maybe on another day, perhaps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I scrapped the Phasma idea on account that it was too depressing and I didn't want you guys to suffer through that. I don't kill her, just have Poe take her away, but the main point of it was that Poe says someone needs to take the fall for this and while Reader is afraid that Kylo will fall on the sword for them again, he won't, because he understands how much that sacrifice would hurt her, well, hurt them both, really, and so it's a nice callback to that "together" mantra.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story: A Glow in the Dawn  
> Perspective: You  
> Chapter: While Kylo is gone  
> Characters: You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: Sorry this chapter is a day late getting out! I had my first 501st troop today (me as Mara Jade, husband as Kylo Ren) and it was a ton of fun!! ^_^

               I miss you Kylo. I miss you every day.

               It’s hard to write a letter to you expressing how I feel when you’re always inside my head. You always know what I’m about to say before I even finish a sentence. You get me. You understand me. And now all of that is ripped away from me and I’m standing on a base surrounded by thousands of people, most of whom wish you were dead.

               They’d never say it to my face but they don’t need to. I’m glad they don’t treat Ani any differently because of it, but I don’t pretend to be ignorant of the things they say about me when I’m not around. I just don’t acknowledge it. It’s happened ever since we were together and I expected it then. It didn’t bother me then. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time adjusting now.

               But I hate it. I hate that you’re not here for me to actually talk to about this. I feel a coldness creeping under my skin and lingering there. There is plenty of things for me to do on the new base on Naboo, and yet sometimes I just sit down and sit and wait. For you to return? That could be years. I don’t know when you’ll return and as much as I hate to say it, if you’ll return. It’s active combat. The people there don’t like you. Any number of things could happen.

               But I don’t want to think about that. I want to pretend that you’re safe and sound in the other room. I want to pretend that you’re downstairs with Ani, out Force training somewhere, and I’m just waiting for you to come back inside. That was what happy felt like. Sometimes I forget what it felt like. Sometimes I forget just how much you went through, how much we both went through, to make this work. You were there for me when no one else was, when no one else could be, and I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you for that.

               It all happened so fast. I remember C bleeding on the floor in front of me. I remember the anger, the hurt, the pain. Knowing that I was used and disregarded by someone that I thought I could trust. That’s never a good feeling, but I didn’t want to deal with it. You made me. You saved me in more ways than one. You took me out of that cell and then you forced me to come to terms with everything that happened with B, even though I didn’t want to.

               Maybe it was because you were selfish. Maybe it was because you didn’t want my own negative energy to influence yours. Maybe you just thought I was more fun to be around if I was in a better mood, and you wanted to do anything in your power to make our time together as enjoyable as possible. I don’t care what your reasons were. I don’t care if you think they were selfish. To me, the only time you’ve ever been selfish is when you took away from the Resistance base, and that’s one decision I can’t fault you for.

               My life would have been a lot worse right now if you had never made that decision, I want you to know that. There’s no happy ending for me if you’re not in it. And I know that sounds really lame and melodramatic, but it’s also true. You’ve become such an integral part of my life that I don’t know how else to say it. I’ve never thought of you as my best friend but that is truly what you are. You’ve taught me so much, not just about the galaxy and the Force, but about myself. You’ve challenged me to look outside myself, to come to terms with my own flaws and faults and fix them so that I could truly understand what it meant to be strong.

               Sometimes I don’t know who I am when you’re not around. Maybe that’s why I feel this way right now. I try to think back to the girl I was before we met and it almost seems like she never existed. I guess that’s just what time does to you, but maybe it’s more than that. Maybe in the same way that Ben Solo died and became Kylo Ren, I also changed. Maybe I died and became someone else. I don’t associate that part of myself with who I am anymore, much like you and Ben Solo are two separate entities.

               I’m doing the best I can here, Kylo. I don’t know if I’m doing it for you or for me or the both of us, but I just want you to come home. That’s all I want. Sometimes I close my eyes and wish really hard, but I know it doesn’t do anything and it almost makes me wish I hadn’t done it at all. It makes me feel like a child, and that’s the last thing I want to be treated like.

               I know you said I need someone to take care of me. You’re right and you’re wrong. I have nightmares. Every night. The med lab used the term _chronic_ but I don’t like that word because it implies it can only be treated and never fixed. It will be fixed, one day. When you come home for good, the nightmares will stop. They won’t erase the past, but maybe just having less of a burden on my future will help them go away once and for all.

               But you’re right. They only come when I’m alone, and so I do need someone there if I don’t want to feel like I’m being burned alive a thousand times in the space of a single dream. I wish I could be stronger. I wish I could take control of it. I wish I could explain to someone exactly what that’s like to make them understand how horrible that is, but words will only get me so far. You’ve seen the rush of pure panic that surges through me when I wake up. You’re always there to comfort me.

               And now you’re not.

               Now you’re off somewhere and I don’t even know where you are except that you’re far away and you won’t be able to contact me for a while. How long is a while? You don’t know. No one knows. Maybe it’s not the distance that eats away at me but the questions. How long will it be until I hear from you again? When will you come home for good? Will you get hurt along the way? Will you make it home to me at all?

               And then there’s the worst question, so terrible that I barely want to consider it. What if we change? I know change is inevitable. What if I become something different in your absence? What if it’s something that you no longer like? What if one single attribute ticks the scale from green to red, from compatible to a glaring flaw that you can no longer put up with? I don’t know how to deal with that, Kylo. I really don’t.

               I’m worried about how you will change as well. You’ve served in active combat before. You know what it’s like, but this is different. This time you’re on an opposing side. This time you’re fighting for a cause that you don’t even believe is right. You have already done so much for them, and they keep asking you for more. I don’t want them to have any more of you than they’ve already taken from me, but I don’t have a choice. I don’t have a say. I don’t have a voice. No one cares about my opinion. No one cares about what I think and no one will make them because I have nothing they want.

               Sometimes I wonder why they haven’t actually already come to me and asked me to assist them. I’m guessing Poe probably had something to do with that. Maybe they feel I’ve already done enough. Part of me thinks that they’re afraid of me. I’m harder to control than you are, for some reason. Maybe they know it’s because if something’s wrong, you’ll lash out. Me? I’ll internalize it and do everything I can to poison the system from within.

               I’d cut off my nose to spite my face.

               It’s not like I can smell, anyway.

               I don’t know if I’ve always been that way, or if years of repressed anger have suddenly made me callous towards the consequences. Sometimes I feel like I’ve already been through so much bad, I almost don’t care about what happens next. You’re not here and you may never be again. Poe could show up at my door and tell me any day that _something_ happened and you’re gone. You’re stardust floating in the empty vacuum of space.

               And I don’t know how to deal with that.

               Maybe that’s why I feel numb all the time. Maybe I’m just trying to prepare myself for the worst-case scenario, so if Poe does show up at my door with bad news, it won’t affect me as strongly. Maybe I’m secretly trying to do everything I can to protect myself against it. I want to say that it isn’t true, but at the same time, I can’t deny that it is. I’m trying to protect myself the only way I know how.

               I think I’m going to delete this, Kylo. I know Luke said that I should try to write down my thoughts and then show them to you when you get back, or when I see you next, so we can address my concerns and be open about it, but something tells me you’re not writing down your thoughts either. At least you have the excuse that you’re busy. I have that excuse too, but we both know it’s not true. Not really. We both know that I’ve just spent the past hour sitting on my bed, staring out the window, just waiting for something to come and make all of this make sense.

               Our lives are so short, Kylo. We had a few good years together, but why should that have to be the end of it? Why can’t we have a few more yet? Life is so short and yet we have to spend so much time apart. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that we love each other and we want to be together but circumstances are keeping us apart. There are some people who will go through their whole lives without having _someone._ But I found you. Is it worse to have someone that loves you that you’re unable to be with because of circumstance, or is it worse to have no one at all? Which is more lonely? Which is more unsatisfying?

               I never want to find out.

               I don’t wish this on anyone. I may put the interests of you and me and our family above everything else in the galaxy, but I don’t want people to suffer. I don’t want people to be hurt by this war. If we could do something to end it, then I wouldn’t mind contributing, but I want us to contribute together. Why can’t we do both? Why can’t we do this like we’ve done everything else? Together?

               Maybe there’ll come a day when we can be. Right now, though, I just want you home. I shouldn’t sit here and stare at the floor and wait. I shouldn’t keep typing out every thought that runs through my head. Right now, though, I can’t help it. But I should try, I know I should, and so I’m going to go down to the hangar to see what Ani or Ladson is up to. Right now I just need to feel like I’m not alone, and it’ll serve that purpose.

               At least for a little while. Until the ache comes back and I realize I’m missing you so badly I feel like I can’t breathe and the insides of my cheeks feel sore even though I haven’t cried and every muscle in my body feels as if I’ve been holding it tense for a decade. I almost want to say that I’d do anything to make that ache go away, but I can’t. I don’t want it to. I don’t want to give up something that makes me feel closer to you. Even if it’s pain, I don’t want to surrender feeling close to you if it’s the only way I can.

               I’m starting to know how you feel, Kylo. Every day on the Starkiller Base, well…

               …that’s behind us now. I’m here now. Ready and waiting for you to come find me again. And I am, ready. And waiting.

               Please come home. I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was partly a letter I wrote for my husband when he was away, and I sort of adapted it for this story because it really fits well with how much Reader and Kylo love each other, even though they can't be together all the time due to work and their other commitments. 
> 
> That being said, I'm pausing with this story for a while. I plan to have the Poe story that I've been working on out in July, so keep an eye out for that! If you have any questions, comments, or just want to chat, I'm always available at streetsolo.tumblr.com. Until then, cheers!!


End file.
